Seriously? I mean, seriously?

[SunshineOnIslington]

Help, I’m in hell. I’m in London to watch the Arsenal game later (have tickets to watch at a fan zone) and the parade tomorrow. Staying in a twin Travelodge room with no air con and which currently feels like the ninth circle of hell but even that cost £256 for two nights!

I’m here with a male friend who’s more like a brother, we’ve known each other forever. A few years ago he developed a secret cocaine habit and ended up spending the last three years in a psychiatric hospital. He’s out now and in supported accommodation but other than reminding him about his meds I thought he seemed ok and pretty self sufficient.

Well he’s pissed me off from the start. Telling a guy on the train how he does literally nothing for himself, nothing all day (not sure that’s a boast although since I worked 70 hours last week I’m pretty jealous tbh). Then showed me £7k of benefits he’s saved up!

He then drank far too much even though he’s not supposed to, wouldn’t come back to the hotel with me, and ended up eating a bucket of fried chicken in the early hours. I’ve tried to sleep given he snores like a walrus but given up, I’m getting up and out and he can do his own thing.

He was in the bathroom a lot last night, and I’ve come in to have a shower and THERE IS LITERAL SHIT ON THE WALL. I am disgusted and tbh I don’t think I can be friends with someone who behaves like this. However I need to get through the next 24 hours! Do I book a hotel of my own somewhere else? I really can’t afford to but I feel sick staying here! Most places are also fully booked around where we need to be…

When you put it like that…😀🫣😱

I have worked in supported accommodation. for many years. People live in these places for many reason, addiction, homelessness, physical disability, learning disability, poor mental health etc. The vast majority of these people have full capacity and the staff there have no power to prevent them from going on a weekend away. They can advise against things that seem unwise but they cannot stop them from making decisions or leaving the premises. Just as if you or eye were to make a bad decision, no one could physically stop us.

I understand that the people in these situations have capacity and are responsible for their own actions, but the OP did say earlier that someone associated with the supported accommodation had said it should be fine providing he takes his meds. I don't know who that person was or on what authority they said it but there was clearly someone who was providing advice in some capacity.

Anyway obviously they can't prevent someone who wants to go on a bender from doing so if they want to.

Honestly I think the onus is really more on the OP. Knowing this person for a long time, knowing he had a substance abuse problem and had been in a psychiatric hospital until recently it seems madness that they would be considered a suitable person to go on a heavy drinking weekend a long way from home with.

Even leaving aside the safeguarding issue for the vulnerable guy, I can't think of anything worse than watching football on a hot day with someone who was utterly shitfaced and incapable of restraining himself or having control over his bodily functions.

I'd be worried about the mess the accommodation bathroom will be in later (again!) if he continues to drink alcohol with no food intake.

Sorry you're having a crap time @SunshineOnIslington It is on him to manage himself for the trip.

@Thepeopleversuswork Most supported accommodations that I have worked in have required residents to inform them if they intend to go away. So they don’t start calling hospitals and making missing persons reports when a vulnerable person doesn’t come home. But there is little more the staff can do then tell them it’s a terrible idea and point out the pitfalls. I suspect this is what happened in OP’s friend’s case rather than it being ‘signed off on’. I also wonder if OP’s friend was entirely honest with the staff about what the weekend would involve. A weekend city break with a friend he had known for years, who is (presumably) not a heavy drinker or drug user themselves, doesn’t sound terrible on the face of it.

I agree that OP probably should have better considered what a weekend away with man freshly from a long stay in psychiatric hospital with a history of addiction was likely to be like. But not everyone is aware of the level of chaos that severe mental health problems and addiction is likely to bring. He might seem alright for a short periods of time in a more controlled environment. Lesson. learned anyway OP.

You have to understand that peope tend to talk colloquially or short hand. A chat with a key worker perhaps clarifying he wasnt going to be in his room over the weekend and them saying 'ok, remember to take your meds with you and I'll mark you as out for the weekend' = green light

Its not permission, he doesnt need it

But there are rules about staying in placement, you cant be provided with supported accommodation as a package and then not be there for days and days on end so there does have to be some discussion about 'staying out'.

Why is it your responsibility if he uses suncream or not? He’s not your child.
I echo what everyone else says & I hope you enjoy the match & parade (and that the fan zone livens up).

Very good post.

Has anyone suggested Al-Anon? If you're finding it hard to let go of someone, this is a great organisation, very supportive.

It's good that you have plenty of other friends. I am wondering what they think of this situation?

You are being unreasonable because you should hsve had more sense thsn to go in first place in such circumstances. End or!

@OriginalUsername2
Yes you are right 16,000

@likelysuspect @Captnip500 thanks for explaining. It seems shocking how little oversight there is of vulnerable adults but I suppose given what a parlous state mental health and social services are in maybe unsurprising.

I thought drug addicts couldn't drink? Is this not some kind of relapse?

Just get yourself into a hotel of your own and leave him to it ffs, if his medical team let him do this it's on him and them.

Why would you even waste another second of your life with this person. Seriously? You deserve better OP.

Well with respect what oversight do you think there should be?

Unless someone is detained and held by legal section OR restricted via a DOLs order, they have the right to do what they like. People have the right to make unwise and unsafe choices for themselves.

They are not supposed to, no. Although as PPs have outlined there is precious little that can be done to stop them.

This guy had a cocaine problem and is an addict. It’s very common for addicts to transfer the habit from one substance to another if access to the original substance is taken away.

OP says this guy doesn’t have a drink problem but it sounds to me like he does. Drinking to oblivion on one night and then drinking at least two pints of beer by 1.30pm the following day is definitely problematic drinking in my book.

He shouldn’t be going anywhere near alcohol.

OP, sometimes we have to accept we’re going to be the enemy in someone else’s story.

You can’t get through life keeping everyone’s good opinion…

This guy is doing NOTHING for your life’s happiness or fulfilment, quite the opposite!

You deserve to spend your precious free time with people who match your positive energy with their own.

Let this one go

A coke addict with MH issues and you chose to stay in a room with him??

As he has clearly proven to you he is far from any sort of recovery. You were mad to do this in the very first place.

What did you actually think would happen? I mean really he was in a psychiatric hospital for 3 years. That is extreme. He is obviously unstable and shouldn't be around drink or drugs. You sound quite immature for a menopausal woman. If nobody else you know supports the team you would just go yourself not use that as an excuse to go with a complete car crash of a human being. If youre menopausal your mum must be what, late 60s at least? Why would you drag her into this complate carnage? None of this is normal behavior, not from him and certainly not your response to it.

Put him on a train home , get someone to meet him and off he fucks . See you mother , go to the parade and he owes you any cleaning charges .

Exactly, some people really dont deserve sympathy for the situation they place themselves in when they have full knowledge of a situation

After £6k it starts to affect, HB/CT and Universal Credit. Normally in supported living Staff will advise making sure the person's funeral is said for, extra insurance, upgrade tech etc, to keep savings down. In supported living, he'd need a assessment every time he goes above £6k.

I feel for you OP.
My husband and sons are massive Arsenal fans, my husband is also a recovering alcoholic.
He's at a fanzone in Shoreditch.
My boys are at the Emirates.
It's very difficult; you cannot control what a grown man chooses to drink or do.
I'm watching it in peace and quiet on my own and ordering pizzas for later.
But definitely speak to reception about how hot the room is. Today has been sweltering.
Good news for the parade tomorrow will be down to 23c.
Try to enjoy the match and the celebrations!
Take your focus off your friend, he makes his own choices.
Up the Gunners!

@likelysuspect thank you - that's what I thought

I do know someone who was in one, but that was years ago - he had a lot of issues after being treated for heroin addiction but he recovered and actually he is doing really well in his career.

having had someone confirm that information, it seems harsh to judge this chap as if he's meant to be 100% fit and well. Because he wouldn't be in a supported living facility if he was completely fit and well and able to function in a situation like this.

Have u shagged him yet OP? Go on you know you want to..friends with benefits...