Seriously? I mean, seriously?

[SunshineOnIslington]

Help, I’m in hell. I’m in London to watch the Arsenal game later (have tickets to watch at a fan zone) and the parade tomorrow. Staying in a twin Travelodge room with no air con and which currently feels like the ninth circle of hell but even that cost £256 for two nights!

I’m here with a male friend who’s more like a brother, we’ve known each other forever. A few years ago he developed a secret cocaine habit and ended up spending the last three years in a psychiatric hospital. He’s out now and in supported accommodation but other than reminding him about his meds I thought he seemed ok and pretty self sufficient.

Well he’s pissed me off from the start. Telling a guy on the train how he does literally nothing for himself, nothing all day (not sure that’s a boast although since I worked 70 hours last week I’m pretty jealous tbh). Then showed me £7k of benefits he’s saved up!

He then drank far too much even though he’s not supposed to, wouldn’t come back to the hotel with me, and ended up eating a bucket of fried chicken in the early hours. I’ve tried to sleep given he snores like a walrus but given up, I’m getting up and out and he can do his own thing.

He was in the bathroom a lot last night, and I’ve come in to have a shower and THERE IS LITERAL SHIT ON THE WALL. I am disgusted and tbh I don’t think I can be friends with someone who behaves like this. However I need to get through the next 24 hours! Do I book a hotel of my own somewhere else? I really can’t afford to but I feel sick staying here! Most places are also fully booked around where we need to be…

I've got no idea why you would let someone so unpredictable accompany you to what should be a really fun occasion. So what if he supports Arsenal? I'd literally rather have gone alone. And I have done, many times. I loved football long before it was trendy, and often took myself off alone to matches.

I hope he doesn't totally destroy your day.

This is bonkers. I admit I'm not a football fan but I can't think of any equivalent event that I would want to be at so much that I would put up with this fucking nonsense.

How was last night OP? Hope you’re ok

Benefits stop at 16k, they're reduced from 6k onwards

Thank you everyone for your support on this thread. Last night was better in that although he started hammering the drink he could see how pissed off I was and stopped - tbf I wasn’t drinking either in the afternoon and just had a couple last night.

I asked him if I could have some time alone when we were round the stadium after the game - partly so I could go and have a moment outside Highbury where my dads ashes are. He wouldn’t leave me alone because he would get lost and his battery was low. He could barely walk by the end of the night because he’s so lazy and unfit.

didn’t stop him snoring like a walrus again, his towels remain unused and there’s no sign of a toothbrush. I’m going to speak to the staff at his accommodation about his evident self neglect. Meeting my mum soon and she knows him well enough to give him a rocket up his arse.

oh and although he took his meds last night I then saw two sachets unopened in the room which he is also meant to take, but hadn’t. I saw over his shoulder a message to his support worker saying he had taken them! I don’t understand why he can’t just set a phone alarm… I do it to take my meds!

Yes I know, but knowing how funding works for fully supported accommodation, staff will advise to spend, rather than reassess every month.

Preferring to be dependent. Many people ‘prefer’ to be ill. It works for them. They keep other people (like you) roped in and keeping an eye on them. Self sufficiency isn’t an attractive option for them.

@PrizedPickledPopcorn that’s exactly what it is. The thing is I know people will blame his actions on his illness… however he has psychosis, not depression. So he’s either been psychotic or well, and the things he’s doing aren’t psychosis symptoms…

So you know he’ll continue finding ways to depend on you. There’s only one way out of this- a frank conversation that you don’t need anyone else depending on you, so unless he steps up you won’t be staying in touch.

❤️

This is so true. For some people creating a dependency is a way to guarantee people will be around for them. This guy obviously treats OP and others like this.

Glad things were somewhat better last night OP and you got to enjoy the football.

I do think you should use this opportunity to rethink boundaries and friendships though.

You seem not to understand the long lasting after effects of psychosis and the medication side effects. To add, losing self confidence is very common so not unusual to act like a pain in the neck, be vulnerable and depend on others.

That isn’t the issue. If he’d lost self confidence he’d be behaving better.
He’s choosing not to take his meds, choosing to lie about having taken them. Choosing to make OP- who has needs of her own- more responsible for his welfare than he is himself.

Recovery from psychosis is complex.

He is making all of those choices, yes he has capacity. But to say there is a linear diagnosis when one is talking about MH is not correct. MH conditions often overlap, to say that if someone didnt have confidence they would behave better is totally incorrect. The reason people behave 'badly' is because they dont have great confidence or self respect. (quite often)

I’m not going to answer for the OP or make diagnoses.
I’m just pointing out behaviours.

Some behaviours are rooted in health conditions, others are just behaviours, choices.

Whichever it is in this case, an event OP was really looking forward to - once in a lifetime- has been totally ruined in ways she had no control over. She’s allowed to be pissed off, and allowed to prioritise herself in future.

OP your friend is clearly vulnerable. Perhaps his supported accommodation was OK with him spending the week away with an old friend who worked in mental health because they trusted you would be able to cope and provide the support they normally provide. Kind of like family would for a weekend visit for somebody who had spent years in a psychiatric hospital who was now in supported living. Very low expectations. But you weren’t doing this for his benefit and expected there to be no issues. Your expectations of him were far too high and you may have set back his recovery. You should have left him where he was getting support.

@PocketSand I really don’t think it’s fair for you to blame me and claim I am setting him back. I didn’t make him come to London with me, in fact I would have absolutely preferred to come on my own which is what I always do normally. Especially since i couldn’t even get to go and visit my dad’s final resting place.

It was his decision to come and his support worker agreed he would be ok. As long as he takes his medication and doesn’t drink too much. He has the capacity to decide whether he wants to do that or not, and I can’t influence that.

OP isn't his support worker, she's his friend. The fact that she works in mental health is neither here nor there in this situation. She went away for a weekend to enjoy herself, not babysit a fully grown man.

Hes a grown man with a serious MH condition and history of addiction and hospitalisation who isnt capable of living alone. So I find it surprising and extremely niave (especially if OP actually does work in MH) that she believed this person would be capable of behaving like a well, functioning member of society.

OP can actually read you know. Yes I work in MH and although not clinical I have a psychology background. I was led to believe that the level of support he receives is literally people popping in to remind him to take his meds, I now know that not to be true. I also now know that his accommodation tried to discourage him from going for these very reasons. He has lied to me repeatedly about his ability to cope. I don't spend enough time with him to know otherwise. So for the last fucking time, STOP BLAMING ME

Please try to ignore the posters who are blaming you.

You've been very clear about what you were told, what you understood the situation to be, and what you've since discovered. It's easy for people reading a few paragraphs on a forum to convince themselves they would have known better, but real life is rarely that straightforward.

From everything you've posted, it sounds as though you acted in good faith based on the information you had at the time. Learning afterwards that you weren't given the full picture doesn't make you responsible for someone else's decisions or behaviour.

Most people reading this thread can see that you're trying to process a difficult situation, not cause it. Be kind to yourself.

Im not blaming you but for goodness sake, hes an addict in supported accommodation (ie he isnt capable of living alone as he wouldnt function), he was hospitalised (which is very very very difficult) but you trusted him that he was all grand and recovered and suddenly capable?
You aren't responsible for his behaviour but its ridiculously niave that you took his word that he's fine when literally everything is screaming at you that he isnt. Addicts are addicts for life, MH that causes you to be hospitalised will be there forever. Anyone with any understanding of his conditions would never think hes fine or take his word for it (addicts and some MH conditions are notorious for lying). You say you work in MH but didnt know this basic stuff?
You could've just said you didnt want him to go?

@Bababear987 clearly another one who didn’t read the full thread. As I have said REPEATEDLY I was led to believe that the only support he was receiving was prompts to take his medication. He has lied to me repeatedly. Yes I work in MH but I am not clinical, he doesn’t have an active episode of psychosis nor an active addiction.

@SunshineOnIslington who lied to you? Him?
I can't imagine his supported accommodation workers told you because you aren't a relative.
Dump the "friendship" and move on with your life.
You never have to contact/see/speak/ hear from him ever again.