AIBU to feel gaslit by my manager in my very early days at a new job?

[LoyalViper]

Started a new job recently. In our very first meeting, my manager told me that while there are set core hours, it's fine to adjust them as long as you let your team know in some way (she specifically said online status update is fine).

This morning I started early and posted a message in our team chat explaining I'd be leaving early accordingly, which was more than she'd said was necessary.

She then messaged me to say I should give her a heads up if I'm going to shift my hours during probation, and linked me to the policy page.
I replied saying I thought we'd discussed that adjusting my hours was fine as long as I let the team know, and asked if I'd misunderstood.
She immediately replied saying no, I'd understood correctly, it was her mistake for not being clearer.
For context, I've since checked the policy page she linked and it doesn't mention probation at all. It just says hours are flexible as long as you make up the time.

I felt a bit gaslit. And it's made me think back to something a colleague said to me in our very first catch up, completely unprompted: to make sure I always keep communication channels open with my manager. I didn't think much of it at the time, but now I'm not sure what to make of it.

AIBU to feel unsettled by this, especially as someone who is neurodivergent and finds inconsistent information from people in authority genuinely stressful? Or am I reading too much into it?

Thank you for proving my point.

How early were you wanting to finish? I think it would’ve been better to message your manager first and ask given that you are so new (despite what she said).

I think it also depends upon the norms within the team which you likely won’t fully know yet, eg. Leaving half an hour early might be fine but eyebrows might be raised if you were leaving several hours early.

It just sounds like miscommunication rather than gaslighting though.

I think you're absolutely right, and over fixating is part of AuDHD characteristics. I think I will wait and see if that kind of things happen again though before calling in a meeting. I accept that this could be a genuine mistake/ misunderstanding. Thanks for your message

It may seem unlikely but who knows? I would give her the benefit of the doubt, get to know her professional quirks more and then proceed accordingly. Sometimes it's easier just to nod and say OK, sometimes your gut instincts tells you how something is going to go.

I started 1h early and wanted to finish 1h early. Also it was a Friday... I don't disagree with asking first and I would have done it if she hadn't told me how flexible things were here and to just update my status. But because she was really playing it like it's very flexible... I don't know, I still don't really understand if I'm honest

That's the best course of action. Good luck in your new role 😊

100%. To me, this is a bit of a red flag. That's my problem with it. It doesn't feel safe

You're welcome, I hope it makes you feel good about yourself and that you can now carry on with your day.

Hey, thanks but I'm not in my 1st year at work 😂

@LoyalViper you're in AIBU. You asked.

The answer was yes, YABU.

Don't want to hear an alternative perspective? Don't ask the question.

with 25 years employment experience you should be able to raise your eyebrows at your new manager secretly and put it down to everyone finding their feet.

I think adjusting your schedule for things such as a doctor's appointment, a meeting at your child's school, an emergency home event (IE necessiting a call out from a plumber, electrician etc) is understood and fine. Deciding to finish an hour early on Friday, without prior notice to your manager isn't.
The business still needs cover in working hours and if everyone decided to do the same thing, guess who would be in trouble? The manager for not handling the team.
Flexible working is great, but you still have to work within the needs of the business.

I'm so glad you are not in my employ/colleague. You sound difficult 😂

It sounds like she meant in general it’s fine as long as you let the team know, but during probation ask her first.
She just didn’t make it clear - and to be fair she probably didn’t expect you to decide to adjust your hours in your first week.
Gaslit is a bit of on overreaction, just see how things go and get to know her management style a bit more