AIBU to feel gaslit by my manager in my very early days at a new job?

[LoyalViper]

Started a new job recently. In our very first meeting, my manager told me that while there are set core hours, it's fine to adjust them as long as you let your team know in some way (she specifically said online status update is fine).

This morning I started early and posted a message in our team chat explaining I'd be leaving early accordingly, which was more than she'd said was necessary.

She then messaged me to say I should give her a heads up if I'm going to shift my hours during probation, and linked me to the policy page.
I replied saying I thought we'd discussed that adjusting my hours was fine as long as I let the team know, and asked if I'd misunderstood.
She immediately replied saying no, I'd understood correctly, it was her mistake for not being clearer.
For context, I've since checked the policy page she linked and it doesn't mention probation at all. It just says hours are flexible as long as you make up the time.

I felt a bit gaslit. And it's made me think back to something a colleague said to me in our very first catch up, completely unprompted: to make sure I always keep communication channels open with my manager. I didn't think much of it at the time, but now I'm not sure what to make of it.

AIBU to feel unsettled by this, especially as someone who is neurodivergent and finds inconsistent information from people in authority genuinely stressful? Or am I reading too much into it?

Your manager has terrible communication! At least they’ve admitted they should’ve been clearer.

I’d reply to the email and say please can they confirm going forwards if any processes are different during probation so you can be aware to follow what’s required.

This. Particularly when you're on probation.

No she didnt gaslight you as she apologised for not being clear. And the colleague say to keep communication open with your manager is just saying your manager likes a heads up.
Don't dwell on this and moving forward run things past your manager first and all will be ok.

That’s irrelevant, OP followed what her manager asked of her, only to be given contradictory information and an irrelevant policy.

If this all happened before 7am, you either work in a different country, or you're flexing your hours in a quite extreme way.

My work has specific rules about flexing within 7am-9pm, and even if they don't have rules, it would be one of those unspoken awkward rules for ND people that you don't just, say, do 10-3 core and then the other 3h whenever you choose.

It's possible that if you had just started half an hour ahead of the normal time then left early too, it wouldn't have batted an eyelid.

This isn't gaslighting though. Why would they go to the hassle of recruiting a new hire only to immediately start messing with them? You've just had a miscommunication about conventions, possibly with some fault on both sides. I hate it when that term is misused.

How do you know it’s extreme when you don’t know OPs working hours? What a strange accusation.

It's not intended as an accusation. Only as an observation when the OP, as someone ND, might be struggling with unwritten rules IF those hours are the case at her work.

Best to assume good intentions, or at least try to have good intentions in replying yourself.

She’s your line manager so you need to let her know your intentions.
She will most likely be fine with it but if it’s busy etc it may not work.
An early start and finish I would have expected to be discussed and agreed the day before.

@LoyalViper absolutely not gaslighting but you seem to be working for someone who likes to micromanage and control everything!

Be very wary of this manager.

My previous boss was like this. I'd follow the policy and yet she'd still go off on one of she wasnt told every tiny thing first. She even had a go at me when I got my team lead to write my reference for a job I'd applied to (he did my appraisal so made sense as he knew me well) and not her.

This, am also thinking of petitioning mnhq to have a pinned definition of “gaslighting” to every thread and page! It’s probably the most incorrectly used word on here!! 🙄

Thanks for the response! Just to clarify though, my manager explicitly told me in our first meeting that a message to the team was sufficient, no need to notify her directly. And the policy page she linked actually says "you don't need to ask, just make up the time". So the expectation you're describing might be yours, but this isn't what I was told, and isn't what the policy says either.

I don’t think it’s gaslighting as she apologised for not being clearer. She took ownership of her mistake.

However, as a new starter I wouldn’t just decide I could adjust my hours without so much as mentioning it to my boss on the first occasion of doing so. A quick “I started early so just checking it’s fine to finish earlier today” or whatever would have been more appropriate than just doing it.

If the manager had told you one thing and then doubled down on it or denied ever saying it when you challenged her, that would have been gaslighting. Your OP suggests more if a miscommunication, which the manager owned up to and apologised for, therefore not gaslighting.

When you start somewhere new, you have to get the lay of the land and find out how things run there. Sounds like you did what you thought was the right thing, manager clarified. Now you move on and will know for next time. That's all part of the normal learning curve in a new job.

Yeah alright Rachel Reeves 😂

🤣

Why oh why are women still using this ridiculous slur?

Honestly, any point you may have had is null and void once you start calling people names. This one in particular is offensive, misogynistic and ignorant.

So, this happens at my work. Hours are 8.30am - 4.30pm. Although according to the policy we can work any hours between 7am and 7pm as long as it’s 7.5 hours.

We were all told this and yet, when a lady tried to flex it as per the policy, one of the managers got the hump. (Make it make sense - it doesn’t). So here is my advice.

While you are new - make it as simple on yourself as possible. Just do the core hours. Then over time, when you all know each other better, your work speaks for yourself - then you can start earlier, finish earlier etc.

That is what I do now and it suits me so well but, observing the culture, I couldn’t have just done it. It doesn’t make sense, it’s not fair according to the policy, but these are the unspoken rules. Playing a slightly longer game can reap benefits.

DH has a similar set up, they're all on "flexitime" (it's in their contract) but it's still normal practice to ask his line manager first. I don't think he's ever said no to anyone, it's just as a curtesy, plus there's always the off chance of a random meeting being planned etc

Karens and gaslit? Christ. Just tell your manager when you're finishing early and move on with your day.

you do need to toe the line
you cannot just come and go as you please
whatever you may think

Good manners aren’t irrelevant

Keyboard warriors.

You can guarantee so many people on her would never say to someone's face what they type.

The key is to ignoring them as they're just wanting to get quoted and get attention.

Bye bye then!