AIBU to feel gaslit by my manager in my very early days at a new job?

[LoyalViper]

Started a new job recently. In our very first meeting, my manager told me that while there are set core hours, it's fine to adjust them as long as you let your team know in some way (she specifically said online status update is fine).

This morning I started early and posted a message in our team chat explaining I'd be leaving early accordingly, which was more than she'd said was necessary.

She then messaged me to say I should give her a heads up if I'm going to shift my hours during probation, and linked me to the policy page.
I replied saying I thought we'd discussed that adjusting my hours was fine as long as I let the team know, and asked if I'd misunderstood.
She immediately replied saying no, I'd understood correctly, it was her mistake for not being clearer.
For context, I've since checked the policy page she linked and it doesn't mention probation at all. It just says hours are flexible as long as you make up the time.

I felt a bit gaslit. And it's made me think back to something a colleague said to me in our very first catch up, completely unprompted: to make sure I always keep communication channels open with my manager. I didn't think much of it at the time, but now I'm not sure what to make of it.

AIBU to feel unsettled by this, especially as someone who is neurodivergent and finds inconsistent information from people in authority genuinely stressful? Or am I reading too much into it?

You werent gaslit tho. Gaslit would have been the manager denying ever saying you could flex start and finish times. Or that you did misunderstand in some way.

As the manager did neither of these things, no gaslighting took place.

What you mean is "I cant cope when people make mistakes".

I don’t think it is unreasonable to let your manager know, especially if new to the role. I let my manager know even though she always says it’s fine.

I understand, but I am in a niche industry and most people aren't. So finding a job is very easy for me and I get constantly approached. Anyway, not the point.

I'm only calling people old and Karens because they are behaving like boomers (oops she said it!! 🤭). I understand they don't like it, but they also have a choice in how they respond to a totally inoffensive post asking a genuine question. The responses were unbelievably rude, dismissive and patronising, and then everyone reacts at me being rude back at them? That's just laughable.

I've always worked in very flexible companies where people are treated like adults and don't need to ask permission for everything, so for me this is the norm. I understand this is not the norm for everyone and not possible depending on your job, but I think people telling me "good manners" (Rachel Reeves image coming to me again 😂) and the rest of it as if I just didn't know how to behave in the workplace is just very rich. I have been working for 25 years, I'm actually very hard working and unlike what everyone seems to assume have very strong work ethics (I don't need you all to believe it by the way, I know where I stand).

Anyway my point wasn't about whether I should have asked or not. My point was about "is the fact that she told me one thing (i.e. please do as you need, no need to ask, just update your status) and as soon as I did it told me I should give her a heads up first, reasonable from her, because that made me feel really bad and I now don't feel like I'm in a safe space with her". I understand everyone has personal preferences, but my question is about a specific situation, not everyone's preferences. Anyway, as someone said, women can be real b**es with other women in the workplace (and clearly on forums too)!

Even that would not have been gaslighting, just a straightforward lie.

you are on a roll op

Cool, first part makes sense 👍🏻 Thanks for actually explaining.

Last part, I disagree. My issue is not just her making a mistake. It's her making a mistake that suggests that I've done something bad.

let it go op
try not to be over sensitive

To be fair, I would have given heads up too. i guess depending how early you start/finish. If it was like 30 min that’s ok but if it was 1-2h early start/finish then def

"Gaslighting is when someone manipulates you into questioning your own perception, memory, or sanity."

If she pretended she hadn't say it, she would manipulate me into questioning my own perception, memory or sanity.

She didnt though. She said she should have been clearer so hadn't indicated it was your fault at all. This is all in your head.

You are not being gaslight! They are setting boundaries and expectations. This will help you, as a neurodiverse employee, to understand what is expected and accepted so you are able to meet, or exceed, those expectations.

Relax, stop looking for issues and enjoy your job.

Using the word Karen as an insult is just another way of shutting women up. Like centuries of men before.

Please do better and don’t join in with them.

She sounds like she just wanted to know what you were doing. Which as a manager is perfectly reasonable. Your new, once she trusts you and knows you I’m sure she will be more flexible.

This is not the point of my post.

Gaslighting is a persistent, long-term form of emotional abuse, intended to harm the victim's mental health and make them dependent on their abuser. A manager saying one thing and then denying it or saying something different does not qualify.

To be fair, we only have OPs version of what that policy says. Manners cost nothing and are not in any policy I have ever read, and ive read a few!

A heads up the day before, if possible, or waiting until the manager logged on to explain would have been far more polite and professional

Ok I really disagree. Karens are patriarchy representatives. Look at how many women are like "stay in your lane, play by the rules".

Not if that was the start of a pattern of behaviour which led to the OP thinking she was going mad. Is this a manager with poor communication skills? Only time will tell.

You think that's what this manager is trying to achieve? A complete mental breakdown of one of their employees? That hardly seems likely.

Lolll this is the most hilarious comment. Like we're now questioning the policy. Gosh I wish people could read a post. I'm actually starting to have fun here 😂

Yeah we've never ever seen that happening🤦🏻‍♀️Is this a forum for toxic managers or....?

No you aren't, you're absolutely seething with rage at anyone who dares to disagree with you.

You are pretending to find it funny as a defence mechanism.

Even keeping referring to "manners", "good manners" etc... these are the real mysoginist comments.

Also, funnily I never had any issues with male managers 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have managed a lot of people, some with neurodiverse conditions. You are fixating on this and ill tell you what happens next.

You become so honed in on your manager being out to get you, that you will make errors, or be unprofessional, maybe even some misconduct and youll scream from the rooftops that its your managers fault.

Here's the solution. Speak with your manager. Ask for a probation review meeting (YOU have the right to) and discuss your feelings. Explain (if you havent already) that you are neurodiverse and how this impacts you. Ask for support / reasonable adjustments around communicating.

Who knows, this could solve it all, because im pretty certain, discussing it with strangers, whilst therapeutic, won't solve the issue for you

No I am actually finding it funny. Stop telling me what I should be saying, thinking or feeling, thank you very much.