the behaviour of most men

[notevensurprised]

I’m in my 50s.

Almost all important and non important men in my life, have disappointed me in catastrophic ways. Some directly treating me badly. Some indirectly by treating people I love badly.

I’m at the stage where the scales have fallen from my eyes. Not just fallen, but disappeared into a black hole. I know this happens for many women in perimenopause. I know we suddenly look up and around at this age and we are absolutely done with tolerating bad behaviour.

Some of my own personal stories relating to bad behaviour from men relate to verbal and physical abuse, financial and economic abuse, infidelity and cheating, inequality within the home in terms of chores and life admin, inequality in the workplace and in salaries.

I am just so done.

I’ve been devastated by the actions of my own DF, my own DH, ex BFs, uncles, cousins, friends.

There was one remaining man who I held in high esteem my entire life. BIL of decades. The brother I never had. I learnt recently he has cheated for years. When my DSIS told me, it was just like the last remaining shred of… I can’t even think of the word…. died within me.

It could not be more shocking in terms of who he appears to be from the outside. And yet I am numb.

The world seems to be run and controlled by lunatic men at the moment and this is just the icing on the cake.

This final revelation means I have zero belief in the goodness of any man any longer. I was holding on to it by a shred anyway.

AIBU to feel that the majority of men are cheating, abusive, lazy, weak willed, insecure, selfish, overpaid, mediocre, disrespectful fools?

I'm not saying you're wrong, but if your experiences had led you to form an opinion of people of a particular colour, rather than sex, would your view be equally valid?

I’d like to add that my experience goes across all income brackets, all religions, all cultures, all socio-economic demographs. From the rich, wealthy privately educated posh toffs, to the working class rugged blue collar workers, to the academics, to the nerdy, to the family man, to the eternal bachelor types, to the healthy to the chronically ill, to the ones with secure childhoods, to the ones born into chaos, to the creative torture souls, to the steady reliable partners, and across all political persuasions. They all have disappointed me.

There’s not much room for debate with stats like men commit approximately 75-90% of all violent crimes worldwide, for example. I just feel so utterly broken by the latest disappointment. It’s really shifted the earth beneath my feet. Another huge loss. I just lost someone. He doesn’t exist and never did. It’s unbearable.

Sorry you have had such a bad experience but you are being a bit unreasonable

Most men is a bit much, do you know more than 50 % of men? Some men are horrible and so are some women.

I know if I was to write a list of all the men I’ve known in my life who fall into the friendship or family capacity over decades, the vast majority, say 80%, are guilty of at least one of the aforementioned cruel behaviours.

Now add in the power dynamic and see if you think the same.

Yes, they've all let me down one way of the other. I try to keep friendships but they make it so difficult - took longest standing male friend out for his birthday and he too advantage of my generosity, barely a thanks as he got out the car - and that's the thin end of it. Best relationship was exBF who ended relationship without explanation, when I asked if he had met someoen else he replied "I wasn't looking for anyone". Saw him buying homewares in TKMaxx with a womand 2 weeks later. I'm deliberately giving the examples of the better end men I've know!

You are basing your opinions on your own experiences, so I will give you my opinion based on the men I know. My dad, my late husband, my sons and many friends are good, decent men. None of them have let me down.
You are making wild generalisations- I am sorry for your experiences, but they do not mirror mine.

I’m sorry that’s been your experience, and it’s understandable why you think as you do, I also assume it’s a comfort to think it’s most men, rather than just you’ve had something very unfortunate and not the norm.

ive onky been treated badly by one man, my father, but on the instruction of his second wife. Mainly as a child the women were worse. Much worse, cheating, lying abusing.

but I don’t feel it’s representative of the gender.

and I’m happily long term married, I work in a male dominated environment, and I like men, other than my father never been treated badly and in my wide social circle only one divorce snd she was the one cheating. Again though I don’t assume it’s all women. And I like women,

good decent people, irrelevant of tn4 gender make up the majority. There are a minority who are not. Both genders.

What do you mean, what power dynamic, in most marriages I know it’s equal or the woman wearing the trousers.

Can I introduce you to the concept of sexism @Notsosweetcaroline

Some men behave badly, yes, and you have been unlucky to meet a lot of them. Some are weak, lazy, opportunistic or actively toxic - so are some women. I've met examples of all these. I don't think it's most people of either sex.

I’m in my 50’s and I’ve met about 3 or 4 decent men in my entire life and hundreds of good women

Men are mostly awful

Wow! You've had a lot of bad luck, OP. Most of the men in my life are lovely. As for work colleagues, I generally find it easier to work with men than with women. I have lots of women friends so it's not that I've got an issue with women. I just really like nearly, if not all, the men in my life. Sorry you've had to deal with some rubbish examples.

YANBU. Here is my round up of male disappointment.

Dad - alcoholic who was very aggressive and unpleasant with us growing up and prioritised his wives (he’s on 3rd marriage) at every turn.
Boyfriend 1 - started off ok, ended up being very abusive - wouldn’t let me keep my own money, or speak to certain friends. Got heavily into drugs.
Boyfriend 2 - nicer but dim, lazy and dependent on me. A series of disasters which I had to mitigate, pay for or resolve. Final straw was trying to move (rent free) a 2nd friend into MY flat which I was paying for, and having a go at me for using the first friend’s coffee (who was of course also living rent free in my flat).

I have 6 uncles. 2 are fine, the others are cheats, drug users and domestic abusers.

Out of my 3 male cousins, 1 is a NEET, 1 is a cokehead with anger problems and the third is fine.

I have 3 best friends. The first’s husband is cold and emotionally awful to her - she was diagnosed with a severe disability last year and he has been treating her as an annoyance ever since. The second is single after being with a man who beat her up and left cocaine lying around near their toddler son. The third is back with her ex who left her for another woman, but came crawling back when it didn’t work out.

So yes my opinion of men is very, very low. Of course the women in my life aren’t angels, but their behaviour isn’t violent, illegal or deeply immoral.

I have a DS who I adore but it’s very hard not to feel only anger and resentment toward men as a group a lot of the time.

Yes this is also my experience.

They can SEEM nice when their social status benefits from it, or there is an incentive like sex.

But I believe they’re very very selfish most of the time and simply don’t care for others in the way we do.

All the men I know right now are lovely. YABU. This will turn into yet another man hating thread though but it’s Mumsnet so expected.

Agree with you entirely. And what is happening in the world at the hands of men is horrific beyond belief.

Have you been flawlessly kind and perfect with everyone you ever encountered? Most people don't reach the custodial criminal level but most of us have been mean and horrid to someone.
I think holding up men to be heros from childhood bedtime stories raised expectations of men's behaviours as the less emotional, the strong, the protector, the wise, the sacrificing.resquer.... Sometimes unrealistic expectations come from religion if it's one heavily advantageous for men putting them on a pedestal.
I don't think we should glorify anyone, many women have been horrid to me it hurt more because we they were women who should've known better but the abused can turn abusive and so the cycle continues.

Ffs there’s not being ‘flawlessly kind and perfect’ then there’s committing 90% of violent and sex crimes!

Sure, but if you think thays the only kind of crimes there are that hurt people then maybe you’re lucky.

and it’s not 90 percent of men doing it, it’s a small percentage. Tiny.

A third of men have a criminal record by age 50.

I've had some awful experiences at the hands of men throughout my life and I mean truly awful but I wouldn't prescribe to the "all men" mantra. I feel as a feminist that by doing that I take power away from myself. Considering what happened to me as a girl it would be easy to point the finger but I would be lacing the oppressive boot of "men" and the Patriarchy so they could stand on me.

I try to go through life treating people nicely in the hope they will do so in return it's not perfect and certainly doesn't always work but I won't give in and let men have the power by playing victim even though I have literally been one.

Ok and? Not every single men is going to have a serious criminal record.
Most crimes by men fine
But not most men are criminals.