to tell teacher friends to stop with the negativity over our decision to home educate?

[teaandaflorentineplease]

We’ve made the decision to home educate our child. Fulltime school isn’t right for our family, and I genuinely believe that play based, informal learning suits early childhood far better than sitting at desks from age five. I’d have been open to flexi-schooling if our local school allowed it, but they don’t so we’ve chosen home education.

What’s surprised me is the strength of the negative reaction from our teacher friends. These are people who regularly describe the state of education as dire. Dreadful behaviour, no funding, days spent on crowd control rather than actual teaching, children falling through the cracks, classrooms falling apart, pressure to hit their academies’ targets rather than do what’s best for the kids, they can’t even afford gluesticks. This insight into education from a teacher’s perspective has also informed my decision to home ed.

However when I said I was going to home educate, suddenly schools are wonderful and I’m making a terrible mistake. It started a few weeks ago when a teacher friend mentioned our children will be in the same class and since then the comments about how awful home ed is have kept coming. I’ve been shrugging it off to avoid an argument, but I’m getting increasingly frustrated. I’ve spent years validating how broken the system is, for both teachers and children, and yet the moment I choose to opt out of it, it becomes the only way to educate a child.

For context, my husband and I are both well-educated and take our child’s learning seriously. I feel comfortable teaching the early foundations like reading, writing and maths, and we plan to build projects around history, geography, science and whatever else our child shows an interest in. Beyond that, we haven’t planned anything because our child is still one. As we go through it, we’ll learn about what works for our family, and we’ll have seen how other home ed families approach things as children get older. We haven’t ruled out school further down the line either; it might turn out to be the right fit at some stage.

I’m not looking to convince anyone or get into a debate about home ed vs school. We’ve made our decision and we’re comfortable with it. I just find the contradiction so confusing and a bit hurtful. These are people who in some cases we’ve know for years, know how seriously we take our child’s wellbeing, and have spent years telling us the system is broken. I want to say firmly we’ve made a decision and we don’t want to hear anything else about it, but I also don’t want to lose long standing friends over it.

kids in reception don't sit at desks.

I think it is a bit like saying to a doctor friend who grumbles about the NHS, that you have decided to rely 100% on home remedies. They are bound to think you are being a bit extreme.

Most primary schools finish at about 3pm. Children also get weekends and long holidays. Just because they go to school doesn't mean they don't have any time for other activities/outdoor play.

Homeschooling can suit some children with SEND but I think most children would feel like they were missing out if they didn't go to school.

I was homeschooled during my primary school years by a professional teacher. My academic education was fine and I did loads of other activities. It would have been better for me to go to school though.

The opportunities for home education have increased and there are a lot more groups accessible to meet like-minded parents.
The one thing I would consider further is whether you do see them going to school in the future. While you don't want to map out their education long term, having worked in secondary there were a few children over the years who had been home educated and they struggled the most when in a school setting (presumably due to the enforced rules/lack of freedom/following a set timetable).
What do you forsee when it comes to exams? Although that is a long way off it might be worth considering when you would transition to school.

The OP doesn't want opinions on whether to home ed or not, experiences of home ed, or whether she's making a decision too early etc, etc she wants advice about how to deal with negative comments coming from friends who she feels are not supportive, being slightly hypocritical and also quite frankly she has not asked for their opinion.
The fact it surrounds home ed not relevant.

The friends offering an opinion have not been asked for that opinion, they are expressing the views that according to OP contradict their previously expressed views and although they may work within the sector, so have more insight than most, they are not experts in that area as they are teachers and not experts on education and the many different methods of education. Just because you work in the sector does not make you an expert in all of it.
The OP is looking for advice on how to deal with this situation.

I also suspect that as they are friends she's speaking to them as a friend, not as a professional and is feeling hurt they're not responding as such. Assuming OP is an adult, there's no safeguarding concerns, has sufficient capacity to make an informed decision and has parental responsibility it is up to her (and other parent if appropriate) to make decisions for their child. These decisions should be respected, don't need to be agreed with but respected and be there if and when she asks for advice or she needs support.

Are you the op with name change?

Honestly, OP?

as a lot of other posters have previously mentioned I have no idea why this is such a big deal for you that you are here fighting strangers on the internet. Your child is one. Make your plans, save your money and keep respectful about the schools that the majority of your friends either send their children to or
work in in the same manner that you (presumably) don’t start political debates with those of opposing beliefs if you want to keep your friendships.

The whole thing smacks of that new parent ‘my child will never ever …’ based on a total
lack of real experience before their child has reached that particular milsestone. Feel how you want but maybe keep your judgement to yourself for now. There’s many years, temper tantrums and unexpected curveballs to go yet.

My children are homeschooled not through choice but through the challenges of remote living (we are in Aus) and it’s hard, hard going. I am very aware that there are critical things my children miss out on because of our circumstances, though we gain in other areas. I am also aware that I myself miss out on a lot because of this and the mental load is next level.

plan as you will. Try to keep the judgement down as you hope people will do you and you will find less antagonism i am sure. Good luck to you- the toddler years are a delight.

Not me, but that poster is totally right. I wasn’t looking for views on HE. It’s clear from the title that it’s about the frustration I have with friends’, not an issue with my decision to HE.

One thing I would say without knowing your temperament, patience levels, visible passion for learning as much as education is that you don’t know your child’s personality yet. One of mine is very very sociable and once I had got to know her in the first few years I would know that I couldnt have home schooled her. I see really good homeschoolers who do socialising for their kids but this wouldn’t come close to the environment my child is in in school

Just a thought to wait and see how your child progresses.

Why get into something unpleasant … almost certainly hurting their feelings
Why is me making a single comment that we’ve decided to home ed unpleasant and upsetting. I only said that my child wouldn’t be attending school. I’ve not expanded on the subject beyond ‘we think HE is right for our family’ and ‘we’re not sure yet later on, for secondary quite possibly child will be in school’. I haven’t insulted teachers in general, them as teachers or their decision to send their children to school. If that’s so upsetting to them, then that’s on them to figure out why my education choices are so triggering. They also don’t seem upset or hurt. They just seem to think HE is a bad decision altogether.

This isn’t just to you, but all the people who’ve made a similar comment, and that’s why I should just brush off the comment and be non committal. We’ve decided to HE. Some people might think it’s too early, but we clearly disagree having made the decision already. It will definitely be apparent at some point that my child won’t be at school and it’s not a dirty secret we have. I didn’t bring it up, but responded honestly with our plans. And yes they might change, but the most likely situation is that they won’t. A friend with a child the same age as mine is planning to take her family to Australia for three months shortly before their child starts school so they can have a long period time with extended family, that hopefully the child will be able to remember. That’s also far in the future and may not happen for a variety of reasons but most people plan for the best and prepare for the worst. Talking about future plans with friends is surely a basic thing in friendship.

I just can't fathom how much time you've spent on this thread about something years down the line.

I suspect your friends would give a rather different account of this.

But surely you could have anticipated that reaction?

I mean these friends are probably a bit staggered at your naiveté both in terms of you not realising you were insulting their profession and also in terms of thinking you can know now what will suit your child in 4 years time

My sister was very high and mighty about how she was going to home educate her children, making negative comments as my son and I excitedly got him ready to start school. He's absolutely loved school., he skipped in every day to infant school as he was so happy to go. He was so upset at losing school when COVID hit that we paid for him to do online school

Anyway, my high and mighty sister ended up sending all three of her children to nursery and to school even though she is a SAHM.

So my main advice to you is just don't be definitive about your plans, at this stage just keep an open mind.

Only as you get to know your child will you be able to figure out what's best for them, and even then it also has to be what is best for you and your relationship with your child too

I'm not against home schooling if done really well and thoughtfully. But I also think school has enriched my children's lives in so many ways, and introduced them to new passions and ways of looking at the world

OP, I think people are just trying to offer you advice. I have older children than a baby and I still don't have many of the answers, and your opinions do shift over time. It's very early to make a decision to HE, you don't know their personality yet. Think about the longer term too. You are getting caught up on more formal learning starting a year or two earlier than you would like, it is only a small time frame and they will have to do that learning anyway to catch up with their peers. I wouldn't upend our life for the sake of a year or two. When they are babies, time moves slowly (the days are long but the time is short), as they get older it speeds up.

I believe generally that most people don't have the skills needed to properly teach their child what they need to know and lots of home children who are home educated end up socially isolated and anxious as they get older. However my friend has home educated all of her four children and they have turned into absolutely free thinking curious and fabulous kids, because they are part of a home ed network.and mix with other children outside their family doing all sorts of things. The oldest decided to study literature and is now at uni and the youngest is high school age. It can go either way.

Personally would be my worst parenting nightmare having to homeschool. In lockdown dd2 did lots of English literature and history but maths and science I struggled as I just was not interested myself. I guess if you are a passionate wannabe teacher it might be ok but most of us are definitely not.

I think the difference is how these things can be incorporated into the school week not just one off events. So for example my child did a castle visit recently. Before they went they researched castles in groups. Afterwards they used the visit as inspiration for individual writing but also collaborative art and engineering projects. In the same week they had

The castle visit could be booked. But it is unlikely that a home schooling group would have the time to do all the pre/post group work. On top of all the other group based activities that a school would do weekly too.

To get the same level of social interaction you'd have to spend most of the week at home Ed classes. Which in effect just becomes school again.

Well, it's all a bit confusing because your title, to tell teacher friends to stop with the negativity over our decision to home educate?, seems to imply this is more than one person and an ongoing conversation. Whereas this, why I should just brush off the comment and be non committal, seems to imply it's one friend and one comment. Which is it?

And the point isn't that it's a dirty little secret, it's that adults make decisions and live their lives. They don't announce something 3 or 4 years in advance. It's coming across as childish foot stomping. I will stay up til midnight and only eat cake when I'm a grownup!

You think HE is a good decision, they think it's a bad one. So what? Just do what you want. My mother's a doctor. If I announced that in future, should my child have a strep throat, I'm going to treat it with homeopathy instead of antibiotics because I don't think traditional medicine is right for our family, she wouldn't be 'triggered', she'd think I was making a really foolish decision and tell me so.

Look at it this way, you are insulting their profession (passive-aggressively, but still insulting). In return, they - possibly singular - are criticising your choice and you're starting a long thread about it. The triggering seems to be equal on your part. If you don't want to alienate your friend(s), do what you want, but stop talking about it.

I'm editing to add. Do you not see the inherent insult in: nursery is brilliant for my one year old, but that place you've trained endlessly for and where you spend your days, isn't good enough?

And now it's Sunday morning, go play with your baby.

@teaandaflorentineplease

We decided to take our son out of Year 6 and home educate him and to be honest it was the best decision we made. If I could go back in time I would have home educated him from the start. So stick to you guns and have confidence in your decision.

We focused on Maths, English, Science and History delivered via an online learning platform so he kept pace with the national curriculum. We also did projects that combined subjects (like computer history) and he made presentations to teach the subjects back to us. So it combined history, maths, science and English all in one.

We also did outdoor activities (cycling, swimming, climbing, orienteering). He went from being an under confident anxious child to absolutely blossoming. It was wonderful to see his shoulders relax and his smile return. He's now in private secondary school and is top of his Year for Maths. He's completely focused on going to university to do a STEM degree. If we hadn't done the intervention when we did I was afraid he would be put off learning for life. It's quite the opposite now and we're over the moon.

Our daughter is in the same school he was in initially and is finding it very underwhelming, so we're looking to take her out to home school as well. She is very bright academically (Greater Depth across the board) and there just isn't the opportunity to challenge her in the current school. The teacher and TA have to focus on the disruptive kids or kids that are struggling, so can't devote a lot of time to the brighter ones. At parents evening, this is pretty much what the teacher said to me and that we should offer additional learning at home (which we do already).

And yes they do spend most of their day in one classroom sitting at desks, which can get oppressive in the winter when you throw in badly behaved children. It's not anyone's fault, the teachers are working with what they've got but the system is very clearly broken and it's a definitely a place you survive not thrive.

So we have a decision to make, move her to our son's independent school early or homeschool her and then start her in Year 7. We may end up doing a combination of both so she gets the same experience her brother did.

It sounds like you've got a plan and there are so many opportunities for HS kids to socialise, they won't miss out at all. When our son was at home, climbing and orienteering were his social outlets and it was great because the kids were on the same wavelength and better behaved/calmer. When we started HS I was really amazed at how much support and opportunities there were out there. I would recommend to contact your local council's HS support team, they can point you in the right direction and suggest opportunities in your area.

We did get some eyebrows raised when we started on this path but as we went on more parents started asking questions. So I would just keep your plan under your hat for the moment and change the subject. It's probably a sensitive subject that should just be parked for the moment with your friends.

Also, when my son started independent school there were quite a lot of children who had been home schooled and we're fitting in nicely to the secondary setting. Even my son's group tutor did it with her son for exactly the same reasons as us. I'm happy to say the kids are now thriving!

Suggest you go on to the HE board, you'll find a lot of support there.

The shape of a home ed week is very different to a school week.

We did something outside the house several times a week (mix of sports, group sessions, social stuff), so we probably only only had one or two days per week where we were in all day, which is not unusual for home ed.

We did a "big" outing roughly once a week (ie what schools would do once a term or once a year, depending on the school). We did not do pre/post visit projects because they were often on a theme we were covering anyway Eg, if we were doing modern world history, we would visit over a term or two: Blenheim Palace, Churchill Rooms, D Day beaches, Bletchley Park, National Computing Museum, RAF museum, IWM (Duxford and London), Brands museum, Tate Modern, Holocaust Museum.
But sometimes we just went to places for fun or the opportunity arose like the Royal Albert Hall.

"Academics" takes much, much, less time in home ed, even spanning 3 "key stages" and doing 10 GCSEs.

"To get the same level of social interaction you'd have to spend most of the week at home Ed classes. Which in effect just becomes school again."
Home ed "classes", even when relatively formal, are not like school classes.
Social interaction in home ed is very different. Home ed children spend time with a much greater number than 29 similarly aged children and generally not in a classroom setting.
We regularly saw families from various different countries, religions and backgrounds - far more than if they had just gone to the local, primarily white middle class school.

All this to say that home ed is fundamentally different and few home educators are trying to recreate a school/classroom setting or method of teaching.

Well, you speak up about what type of schooling you want and why. Other people have the same rights you know. They're simply allowed to speak their minds just like you. If you only want to discuss education with those agreeing with you then don't start a conversation with regular teachers. Do as you want but don't try and convince those around you about how right you are.

Why did you put your daughter in the same school? Seems odd.

I would say that you have to accept that the majority of teachers will not agree with your decision. If they did then we would have many more teachers taking sabbaticals to homeschool their children. I know of one.

As I said in a previous post - go for it if you are motivated.

But your post is not about that decision, it is about your relationship with other adults.

I would say that HE has to sit alongside many other polarizing topics. Brexit, Is the world flat, fox hunting, global warming, vaccines - I could go on. It is not worth trying to change minds, however much energy you expend, you will still be in the same position.

So my advice is to smile sweetly and change the subject. It’s not worth it.

I haven’t announced my life plans. I didn’t host a party and deliver a speech to declare to all our gathered friends and family our plans for our child’s education. Do you think my friend who made the initial comment out how her child would be going to local school has made a similar childish foot-stomping proclamation?

It’s a wide friendship group which happens to have a significant number of teachers in it. I assume gossip got around and I’ve had people message me after the original comment. I haven’t brought it up since the initial mention, only responded vaguely. Hope that’s clear.

The difference with HE and homeopathy is that repeated studies have shown no benefit of homeopathy over a placebo. There are children who are educated fully or in part at home and have a positive successful education. It’s difficult to study because HE covers those who strictly follow the national curriculum at home to those who radically unschool and don’t have any concern for qualifications because they disagree with standardised testing. Many HE children are forced into it because of school trauma so they need time to recover from that or SEN which schools can’t cater for. Some children are HE for a short time with a goal of rejoining a school one day, some HE parents never want their children educated in a school. It’s such diverse group that studying HE children is significantly harder than studying homeopathic remedies vs a placebo. There can also be no randomised controlled trials of HE because most parents don’t want to randomise their child’s education. But there is evidence that it can be successful. I don’t think the doctor vs teacher is a particularly useful comparison.

And no need to patronisingly tell me to play with my baby. I have a pretty strict no phones around my child rule, and I was MNing while doing my hair earlier. I’m not playing now because my child is swimming with their dad.

Parent’s do a lot of homeschooling already: reading to children, listening to children read, drilling times tables, etc.

School is as much about socialisation as learning, especially primary school. Some of it is painful: other kids make fun of you, teacher doesn’t seem to like you, etc. It is important to learn to navigate peer relationships and authority other than mum and dad. Starting earlier is probably easier than waiting till later.

It's not odd at all. They both started in the same school in different years when we moved here.

My son's class was awful in terms of behaviour and even the teachers admitted they struggling to control them. SLT are weak and ineffective. My daughter's class is better in terms of behaviour, so she hasn't faced the same issues just isn't being challenged academically and is basically bored.

This is amusing considering that you're coming across as one of the most patronising people on the site.

I don't care about HE or traditional schooling. I've been very happy with my DCs traditional schooling (although it was independent schools as we've moved countries a couple of times). People make the choice that suits them, their children and what they can afford, and I'm always for whatever is best for the child.

But your initial question, which you largely seem to have moved on from, was about how to handle relationships with your friend(s). If you can't understand why basically telling them that the job they do isn't good enough for your 1 or under, who's currently in nursery, is offensive to them, I think you might need more help around social relationships than I, anyway, can offer.

Good luck with whatever you decide.