to tell teacher friends to stop with the negativity over our decision to home educate?

[teaandaflorentineplease]

We’ve made the decision to home educate our child. Fulltime school isn’t right for our family, and I genuinely believe that play based, informal learning suits early childhood far better than sitting at desks from age five. I’d have been open to flexi-schooling if our local school allowed it, but they don’t so we’ve chosen home education.

What’s surprised me is the strength of the negative reaction from our teacher friends. These are people who regularly describe the state of education as dire. Dreadful behaviour, no funding, days spent on crowd control rather than actual teaching, children falling through the cracks, classrooms falling apart, pressure to hit their academies’ targets rather than do what’s best for the kids, they can’t even afford gluesticks. This insight into education from a teacher’s perspective has also informed my decision to home ed.

However when I said I was going to home educate, suddenly schools are wonderful and I’m making a terrible mistake. It started a few weeks ago when a teacher friend mentioned our children will be in the same class and since then the comments about how awful home ed is have kept coming. I’ve been shrugging it off to avoid an argument, but I’m getting increasingly frustrated. I’ve spent years validating how broken the system is, for both teachers and children, and yet the moment I choose to opt out of it, it becomes the only way to educate a child.

For context, my husband and I are both well-educated and take our child’s learning seriously. I feel comfortable teaching the early foundations like reading, writing and maths, and we plan to build projects around history, geography, science and whatever else our child shows an interest in. Beyond that, we haven’t planned anything because our child is still one. As we go through it, we’ll learn about what works for our family, and we’ll have seen how other home ed families approach things as children get older. We haven’t ruled out school further down the line either; it might turn out to be the right fit at some stage.

I’m not looking to convince anyone or get into a debate about home ed vs school. We’ve made our decision and we’re comfortable with it. I just find the contradiction so confusing and a bit hurtful. These are people who in some cases we’ve know for years, know how seriously we take our child’s wellbeing, and have spent years telling us the system is broken. I want to say firmly we’ve made a decision and we don’t want to hear anything else about it, but I also don’t want to lose long standing friends over it.

We thought we’d cracked it then I said “dd2, so what’s the time on the clock now?” She replied “errr…. Ten past…. 84!” wtf?! I went and poured a gin.

It made many of us realise the value of school and the wider benefits/skills school life teaches. How is homeschooling nothing like homeschooling? The only difference was it wasn’t our choice.

I think there are huge differences between HE in lockdown following a sudden shutdown and choosing to HE now. Children were forced into isolation in a scary situation with a sudden and massive change to their lives. Parents who never wanted to HE and weren’t prepared for it and were probably trying to fit in a full time job alongside were forced into it with no time to prepare themselves for the task of teaching their children. That’s a huge difference from someone who wants to home educate, has taken the time to research what that means for them, find resources that work for them, have a plethora of socialisation opportunities and activities for the children without Tim over the road counting that’s the second time they’ve left the house that day, and isn’t struggling to balance a full time job alongside this sudden need to home educate.

Firstly it not being a choice makes a massive difference. Secondly, during the pandemic no one could take their kids on educational trips, or group meet ups and activities, or get tutors for subjects they weren't sure about. Can you really not see the difference here?

“We’ve made the decision to home educate our child. Fulltime school isn’t right for our family, and I genuinely believe that play based, informal learning suits early childhood far better than sitting at desks from age five. I’d have been open to flexi-schooling if our local school allowed it, but they don’t so we’ve chosen home education.”

“What’s surprised me is the strength of the negative reaction from our teacher friends. These are people who regularly describe the state of education as dire. Dreadful behaviour, no funding, days spent on crowd control rather than actual teaching, children falling through the cracks, classrooms falling apart, pressure to hit their academies’ targets rather than do what’s best for the kids, they can’t even afford gluesticks. This insight into education from a teacher’s perspective has also informed my decision to home ed.”

Your AIBU relates to negative comments about HE. You write you have decided to HE already. You don’t say you’re considering it alongside other options. It’s not rocket science to understand their negative reactions to your stance. If you want to deal with their negative reactions, listen to what they have to say and tell them you’re keeping your options open.

All of these things happen in home-ed, too.

It does require a lot more effort on the parents' part.

Home-ed parents just group together to hire a hall and put on those events there instead. It's really straightforward to organise an author talk or a reptile visit, for example. It's also possible to do group bookings for workshops (at theatres, museums, Houses of Parliament, Royal Institute, etc) - those are also really common in home-ed groups.

My neighbour pulled her children out to home educate them. The boy just now wanders around the garden looking bored and she posts what’s app messages asking if anyone has any jobs for him. I want to believe it’s a positive thing and I’m sure for a minority of children it may be but for some it’s really not. Perhaps your friends have similar experiences.

You're not unreasonable to put a boundary in place with friends being negative about your choices if you're willing to maintain it - though with the friend making a remark about them being in the same class, I'd likely have just responded with "Maybe," and changed the topic. Even if it's not true in reception, it may be true later on.

The mindset that "Fulltime school isn’t right for our family" is not one I'd recommend at this point. It's one thing where families who've had a child just not get on well with full-time school education, but I've met some home educating families who start from that point, and it made it more difficult when their child needed more academic support to develop later on, often around secondary age. After years of telling themselves that school isn't right for them, it became difficult to make that change for both parents and child. Even when the kids were college age, I've met a few where it's just ingrained in them that school isn't right for them and it cost them dearly in opportunities.

To be honest most home school parents seem to be religious extremists or 'dont want my kids to learn about there them gays' type people so don't blame them for being judgemental

In the US, that is true in many areas, and they produce a lot of online content about starting home education from the start and doing it throughout in a vey structured way with religion involved.

In the UK, it tends to be the opposite - British home education has a lot of unschoolers. Most home educated kids in the UK are withdrawn from school rather than starting that way, so it's from having many issues with schools in an area. Even those who do start, it tends to come from issues finding suitable local schools (particularly for children with additional needs) or parents like the OP who have an issue with schools in a similar way of viewing schools as too restrictive, and they tend to be very open about sexuality and other things as part of that.

I’m not smug about it, but as a pp says, teaching reading, writing a maths skills to a single child with unlimited time and resource is a task I feel prepared for,

There will not be unlimited time and resources. It may feel like it before starting, but there will be a lot that eats into that time, resources, and most importantly - energy. It will not do you or your child any favours to go into it thinking these will be unlimited.

We’re saving as much of my salary as possible to put into a SIPP for me to mitigate this hoping that a large amount compounding will help mitigate years of non-payments.

Why would you have non-payments rather than budgeting for additional, even if lower payments?

OP what will you do if your 4 year old sees their peers going to school, and says they want to go too? Cries as he/she sees the local kids walking past the window on the way to school?

I've four kids, lived on the walking route between two primary schools, regularly walked past one of the primary school while it was in session, and never had this issue.

We’re planning on getting the Lovevery Reading and Maths sets which start at age 3 and builds up to age 7.

That's pricey kit and a lot of parts for something your child might not get on with.

I would recommend considering free and lower cost options before jumping into the all singing all dancing unified packages that has great marketing, but if your kid doesn't get on with it, it's money down the drain and clutter in the house.

There’s a strong HE network so we’ll meet up with other families, go to clubs and team sports, and others as their interests develop.

Have back-up socialisation options. From someone who had kids badly bullied in home education groups - yes it happens - and even as a parent I got repeatedly mocked as a structured home educator in with mostly unschoolers, have back-up socialising options as well as proactively expose your kids to potential interests, including things that don't interest you or your spouse.

It's interesting, reading stuff like this and comparing it to posts that say school parents are defensive or envious for not making the choice to home ed. As you say, it all sounds extremely difficult. And unenviable.

I think that it is a very different ask, to try and contact and book an author or scientist to come speak to a bunch of children organised into a group by a loose coalition of sahms. I would imagine many requests might get ignored. Schools have all the economies of scale, contacts, experience of doing this.

Additionally, a lot of home ed proponents talk about being "led by the child's interests" and that seems to put a lot of power, far too much, onto a young child. Many young children wouldn't express a wish to meet an author, if they could just go swimming instead (say). I think one could easily fall into the trap of being very permissive, and that doesn't sound easy for the parent at all. Children (and their parents) don't know they'll enjoy something until forced to try it. Like Florence Nightingale and the Crimean War, who'd have ever thought that could be interesting??

But, yet again, you needed nursery to show you how to provide your child with outdoor play opportunities. You said very clearly that it never would have occured to you to let her do the activities she loves if it hadn't been for nursery. So how do you think you're in a position to give her a play-based education?

It’s clear that you have thought extensively OP and your decision may well be the right one for your child, but it’s your child at the age he or she is now, not the person they may become in three or four years time.

With jobs declining and prices increasing so much, I would have concerns about slotting back into the workplace after several years out of it, not to mention the impact on pensions etc. Often on MN, women are encouraged to continue their career, despite the cost of childcare, because not to do so has a long term negative impact.

When I had my children, a thousand years ago, there was nothing in the way of childcare, unless you had relatives willing to take up the slack. It meant several years of little or no income and I could never afford to pay for those years when I did rejoin the workforce.

OP, I’m sure you mean well, but you continue to ignore the many people on the thread who are telling you that a year old child needs either their mum or their dad.

Not strangers.

But you have put your baby in childcare, so that in four years time you can take time off work to teach them to read and add up.

You could be doing that now. There are so many nursery rhymes, songs and games which teach them both. I Spy, the Christmas Alphabet, 10 green bottles, three wee wives etc. I could go on all day.

Before my oldest started school one of our favourite songs (from an ELC tape) was “5 hungry pterosaurs”.

What makes it worse is that in four years time your baby will be used to be being in a setting with other children and, essentially, you’re going to take them out of that and they will miss their wee friends.

Plus, who will they moan to? Mine came home from school with tall tales about “unfair” teachers. 99% of the time it was their own fault. SFA do to with the teacher.

Essentially, I don’t get why you think that a one year old is ok with nursery but in four years time won’t be ok with what they’re used to.

Also worth considering that a significant majority of home educated children are special needs. That’s why they are HE.

An ex colleague of mine tried to HE (we’re in London) and found it really really hard to find socialisation opportunities that weren’t with SEN children - or else with fairly extreme ‘unschooled’ hippy types who had little interest in any formal learning. For her it was a nightmare of organisation and trying to make the right opportunites for her son. She gave up in the end and realised that that is literally what schools are built for!!

I never said it took nursery to let my child play outside. I said that I’m naturally very fair weather and not outdoorsy. I happily played with my child outside in mild and sunny weather. But the nursery showed me how much my child loves the outdoors even in what I see as hideous conditions. Based on how in those types of conditions our nearest park is just us and a few spaniels, and in sunny weather it’s rammed with pushchairs, I’m not the only parent who defaults to indoor in poor weather. And risky play is also tough for a lot of parents because we feel strongly protective and don’t want them to hurt themselves. Again, my child is one of the youngest climbing up big structures at soft play. You’re making it sound like I never left the house or do anything independently before nursery. I’m not a perfect parent and if or when we do HE, I’ll still be looking around for things I can do better.

Your child is 1.

Have you suffered from pnd? You seem to have been very easily spooked by teachers letting off steam and have become very overprotective of your child's wellbeing.

If you chat with members of any other profession they'll also share their horror stories, but you'll notice they still turn up for work the next day. There's a lot going on in healthcare, finance, law, architecture, the civil service, academia, and on and on and on. Every profession has its strains. Life is not ideal.

Your child needs a social education every bit as much as knowledge of geography, mathematics, and how to construct paragraphs.

Accept that your teacher friends are concerned about your level of fear here, the black and white thinking, and perhaps examine the over protective impulse that has caused you to consider keeping him or her away from standard formal schooling. You should also examine alternatives such as Montessori.

Agree 100%.

Nursery is the least ideal situation you could have chosen for your baby.

Babies need one on one attention and interaction with a consistent caregiver, and the solid attachment that comes from that sets them up for life. Ideally this caregiver is the parent.

My own DCs were home with me until age 4. They all took to school like ducks to water. They all have different personalities and learning styles but all got more or less what they needed in terms of academic grounding and the feeling of being appreciated and valued as individuals from the schools they attended, primary through to secondary. They also made lifelong friends.

Perhaps they can see something about you, that we can’t, that has informed their opinion?

I don't know if you're ignoring the point because you can't address it, or if you don't see the point. It's that your daughter never would have been exposed to something she loves without nursery. You gave this as an example of why nursery has been so good for her. The fact you can't apply ths situation to her future schooling is strange.

Be vague with friends for a while. So much could change between now and when your child might start school, so you can postpone the discussion for some time. You don't owe them truth and in fairness I can imagine circs where you would have to consider full time school even though it isn't what you want.

So i am a parent of 2 children 11 and 12 both in state schools. Primary school went without issue mostly, my now diagnosed autistic daughter (12 year old) coped just fine, had a friendship group, attendance remained high and she achieved the standard grades which I think is good considering she is July born.......

Nothing prepared me for secondary school, I am now seriously considering deregistering both of my children. It seems that it is literally survival, my oldest has EBSA attendance 70% for the year..... 39.6% over the last 4 weeks and declining. This has been snowballing for some time. So school is now not offering academic help as she is struggling to access education. She doesnt get any social enrichment as the whole environment just feels hostile for her.

I am losing my child to complete anxiety and emotional meltdowns as she cant cope. The SENCo at her school are great, but limited. There are a couple of teachers who understand her, but the vast majority have no idea how to deal with a child like mine. She does not misbehave at school in the slightest, she is just so so scared and withdraws while there. Then has complete meltdowns before and after school.

Homeschooling would give more control over the peers she is around of varying ages, not just placed with peers of juat the same age. I could take care of both of my children's emotional needs and I know the signs of dysregulation quickly.

It is a massive decision though and I am still on the fence. As I am a single parent, I cannot drive due to health. So would involve a massive amount of sacrifice so we as a family would need to weigh that up.

Don't get me wrong there are amazing teachers out there, and it is definitely not a profession I would even consider in this day and age.

We are currently going through the EHC needs assessment process, so I am going to see how that goes and if we can find a more suitable placement. If not I think I have no choice but to home school my children

Can I ask why?

But surely that’s just life. A child can’t be exposed to everything and will miss out on things which they might have loved if they were home educated and they will miss out on things they might have loved if they were educated in a school. They might miss out on some things regardless. There are things my child would probably love that they won’t come across regardless of education because it’s not on anyone’s radar. That’s just how it is. If I’d chosen to stay at home we would have found different things my child loves. I accept it’s likely that there are things unique to a school environment that my child would have liked and won’t get to experience. It’s also likely there are parts of HE that my child will love and wouldn’t get to experience in school. Nobody can live every permutation of life.

Home education is able to provide a social education as well. There’s a poster upthread whose child was removed from school for a couple of years and she describes those periods as the most social of her child’s life.

My decision to HE isn’t solely based off teacher friends’ complaints about work (though there’s one specific school I’d avoid totally as a result), but I was surprised that friends who have complained for years about a broken system seem shocked that somebody might want to avoid that. I don’t have a fear of schools and I’m open to schools later on. We just feel like HE is the best decision for us as a family in the early primary years.

You’re making a decision waaaay ahead of time. I cannot fathom making such a decision at such a young age, maybe school would work for your child.
maybe they’re presenting their feelings when you’ve decided to declare yours ?
I also think, schools are and will always be a benefit or else they wouldn’t be there . I work in one, so I know all the negatives (deal with it daily!) but honestly….. you have no idea where you’ll be / child will be in a few years time and school could be hugely beneficial.

@teaandaflorentineplease Your dc is one. I think it’s absolute madness to give up your job to home educate after the child has been in nursery for years.

Do you know how much it’ll cost to enter your dc for GCSEs?

Do you realise that some children actually enjoy formal learning? Dd1 was bored out of her mind in reception.