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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to tell teacher friends to stop with the negativity over our decision to home educate?

630 replies

teaandaflorentineplease · 29/05/2026 13:49

We’ve made the decision to home educate our child. Fulltime school isn’t right for our family, and I genuinely believe that play based, informal learning suits early childhood far better than sitting at desks from age five. I’d have been open to flexi-schooling if our local school allowed it, but they don’t so we’ve chosen home education.

What’s surprised me is the strength of the negative reaction from our teacher friends. These are people who regularly describe the state of education as dire. Dreadful behaviour, no funding, days spent on crowd control rather than actual teaching, children falling through the cracks, classrooms falling apart, pressure to hit their academies’ targets rather than do what’s best for the kids, they can’t even afford gluesticks. This insight into education from a teacher’s perspective has also informed my decision to home ed.

However when I said I was going to home educate, suddenly schools are wonderful and I’m making a terrible mistake. It started a few weeks ago when a teacher friend mentioned our children will be in the same class and since then the comments about how awful home ed is have kept coming. I’ve been shrugging it off to avoid an argument, but I’m getting increasingly frustrated. I’ve spent years validating how broken the system is, for both teachers and children, and yet the moment I choose to opt out of it, it becomes the only way to educate a child.

For context, my husband and I are both well-educated and take our child’s learning seriously. I feel comfortable teaching the early foundations like reading, writing and maths, and we plan to build projects around history, geography, science and whatever else our child shows an interest in. Beyond that, we haven’t planned anything because our child is still one. As we go through it, we’ll learn about what works for our family, and we’ll have seen how other home ed families approach things as children get older. We haven’t ruled out school further down the line either; it might turn out to be the right fit at some stage.

I’m not looking to convince anyone or get into a debate about home ed vs school. We’ve made our decision and we’re comfortable with it. I just find the contradiction so confusing and a bit hurtful. These are people who in some cases we’ve know for years, know how seriously we take our child’s wellbeing, and have spent years telling us the system is broken. I want to say firmly we’ve made a decision and we don’t want to hear anything else about it, but I also don’t want to lose long standing friends over it.

OP posts:
Sausagedog101 · 30/05/2026 09:14

Come back to this thread in a few years OP, when your baby is now a toddler and a pre-schooler. When you see their demands and needs, you may feel very differently as to what is right for them.

Sausagedog101 · 30/05/2026 09:14

StrictlyCoffee · 29/05/2026 22:49

Wtf?

Your child is ONE YEAR OLD. How on earth can you have made this decision so early on?

I don’t blame your friends tbh. Besides the fact this is ridiculous to be thinking about at this stage with a 1 year old, it’s frankly insulting to assume you’ll be as good as them at a job they studied and trained for years for.

This!

JuliettaCaeser · 30/05/2026 09:14

My friend is heartbroken her teen can’t cope at school. She now lives a lonely life of home Ed and tutors at home with her parents while her peers live full lives with their friends. Blows my mind anyone would actively choose that for their child. Poor kid.

Owlsintheforest · 30/05/2026 09:23

teaandaflorentineplease · 29/05/2026 19:32

I don’t understand (and this isn’t solely aimed at you) why so many think it’s outrageous that I feel that HE is a good fit for our family because my child is still a toddler but people who don’t know me, my child, or or local provision feel insistent that school is where my child should go at the age of four. I don’t see anything wrong with making a positive choice to HE, rather than it being a response to a negative school experience. I obviously wouldn’t continue HE if it weren’t in my child’s best interests and I’m not opposed to schools and I don’t think they’re bad places. I simply have reservations about the current school system and think HE is the right choice. My concern isn’t EYFS which is play based, but the shift to Year 1 and the years beyond. I think that given I know the issues I have with that at this point, and how I know the local academy trust has an academic Y1 from friends who’ve worked in the school, it seems more disruptive to put my child in school for a year only, than to HE from the start.

People are saying I’m not taking things on board and I’m being too rigid but I’ve said several times that we’re open to schools later down the line, and that my first choice would have been flexi schooling. I’ve said that at school application age I will tour schools. There’s not much more I can say at this age other than HE is my first choice. I didn’t come on here to discuss whether HE should be my first choice. Nobody has said that my friend who said that she would be sending her one year old to the local school when the time comes is being rigid in thinking and closed minded and should keep their options open.

Sadly when you do things differently, people take it personally as if you're criticising their own choices.. The teacher who posted has proven this point. Some people simply cannot comprehend that mainstream schooling isn't a first choice.

I have mentioned that my baby isn't even born yet and we're already discussing HE. We're open minded but we're discussing it early at this stage to get us financially prepared... My DHs friend is an experienced teacher and has said he would never put his kids through the school system - we also have friends that HE and they do a fantastic job, we also have friends who's kids thrive in school but also family who's kids are failing in school.. Ironically, I don't know of any HE kids that are 'behind' or 'struggling socially'...

Ignore the nay-sayers on here - when you look at the comments they're from people who simply have zero experience of HE. Like your friend in this case.

Owlsintheforest · 30/05/2026 09:25

Sausagedog101 · 30/05/2026 09:14

This!

To get financially prepared? To prepare for the type of education they'd like to provide for their child? To look into what's available locally? Lots of reasons to look into this ahead of time - it would be stupid to go into HE unprepared.

Owlsintheforest · 30/05/2026 09:27

JuliettaCaeser · 30/05/2026 09:14

My friend is heartbroken her teen can’t cope at school. She now lives a lonely life of home Ed and tutors at home with her parents while her peers live full lives with their friends. Blows my mind anyone would actively choose that for their child. Poor kid.

Your friend has failed her child then - there's no reason why her child can't join different clubs and integrate with HE communities to build a social network. This is a failure on your friends part, not HE itself. Also, many kids go to school are socially inept.

IdBeLionIfISaid · 30/05/2026 09:28

Owlsintheforest · 30/05/2026 09:23

Sadly when you do things differently, people take it personally as if you're criticising their own choices.. The teacher who posted has proven this point. Some people simply cannot comprehend that mainstream schooling isn't a first choice.

I have mentioned that my baby isn't even born yet and we're already discussing HE. We're open minded but we're discussing it early at this stage to get us financially prepared... My DHs friend is an experienced teacher and has said he would never put his kids through the school system - we also have friends that HE and they do a fantastic job, we also have friends who's kids thrive in school but also family who's kids are failing in school.. Ironically, I don't know of any HE kids that are 'behind' or 'struggling socially'...

Ignore the nay-sayers on here - when you look at the comments they're from people who simply have zero experience of HE. Like your friend in this case.

This is just so painfully condescending I don't even know where to start.

IdBeLionIfISaid · 30/05/2026 09:33

Owlsintheforest · 30/05/2026 09:27

Your friend has failed her child then - there's no reason why her child can't join different clubs and integrate with HE communities to build a social network. This is a failure on your friends part, not HE itself. Also, many kids go to school are socially inept.

Who on earth do you think you are to make that pronouncement about people you know nothing about?

Owlsintheforest · 30/05/2026 09:35

IdBeLionIfISaid · 30/05/2026 09:28

This is just so painfully condescending I don't even know where to start.

I haven't said anything that's untrue though. OP herself has said her teacher friend has zero experience of HE and why would she, she's a teacher in a school not part of the HE community.

People need to accept that schooling isn't a 'one size fits all' and they also need to read OPs post where she clearly stated that she is open minded about this decision.

Topjoe19 · 30/05/2026 09:39

You lost me when you said your baby is in nursery 4/5 days but you are determined to HE. That's nuts to me.

I don't think you've been to many schools, Y1 and Y2 are still very much play based.

But good luck whatever you decide.

Owlsintheforest · 30/05/2026 09:44

IdBeLionIfISaid · 30/05/2026 09:33

Who on earth do you think you are to make that pronouncement about people you know nothing about?

please do point me to the posts from people who have experienced HE their own children?

IdBeLionIfISaid · 30/05/2026 09:46

You've proclaimed that a woman you've never met has failed her child that you've also never met from one sentence.

'people need to accept' - can you hear yourself?

followtheswallow · 30/05/2026 09:51

Kingdomofsleep · 30/05/2026 08:56

About "play based" being better from year 1 - when your child is only 1yo, it's really hard to imagine them being 5. My dd is 5... Her teacher described her as "a knowledge sponge" because she's so keen at carpet time. She actually loves sitting down listening and watching and gets really excited when she comes home to tell me about some scientific explosion she got shown, or a fact she got told, etc. Kids grow up a lot from reception to year 1 and no longer want to zoom around between mud kitchen and climbing frame all day. They still get to do that at playtimes of course. But they also enjoy sitting and writing in their exercise book, or carpet time and listening, etc. A lot of children really benefit from calm, seated, structured learning rather than what you call play based.

You can't imagine this yet as your child is only 1.

There’s nothing to say that something can’t be play based and factual / scientific though. My ds has learned a lot just from me talking to him which is nice.

Home education isn’t wrong and neither is sending your child to school. Both parties sometimes get defensive and no one is criticising their choices.

StrictlyCoffee · 30/05/2026 09:56

Owlsintheforest · 30/05/2026 09:25

To get financially prepared? To prepare for the type of education they'd like to provide for their child? To look into what's available locally? Lots of reasons to look into this ahead of time - it would be stupid to go into HE unprepared.

At one year old you have no idea the child you’ll have at 4. They may be hugely sociable/extrovert and it would be a huge disservice to have them away from their peer group for education. There’s more to education than being able to master the academics.

Owlsintheforest · 30/05/2026 10:00

StrictlyCoffee · 30/05/2026 09:56

At one year old you have no idea the child you’ll have at 4. They may be hugely sociable/extrovert and it would be a huge disservice to have them away from their peer group for education. There’s more to education than being able to master the academics.

Hence why the OP has said they're 'open minded'.. they can prepare but also be open minded that it may not work out that way!

CoverLikelyZebra · 30/05/2026 10:05

You have every right to make the decision you've made @teaandaflorentineplease but I don't blame amy teacher for feeling it shows that you don't appreciate the skills a good teacher has. They should keep their opinions to themselves but they will feel as dismayed as a barrister friend would on hearing you plan to self-represent in court, a hairdresser friend would about you deciding to do your own haircut or a dentist would on hearing you plan to do your kids regular dental checkups. You do not know the extent of what you don't know about any professional skill, including teaching.. But as your child is only age one now you have plenty of time to get some good training and qualifications in place so that you can build up the skills you'll need before your child needs you to have them. You are currently at the first peak of a Dunning-Kruger effect graph but you have time to go down the next valley and up the subsequent slope to genuine competence before your child reaches their years of best learning potential.

followtheswallow · 30/05/2026 10:12

don't blame amy teacher for feeling it shows that you don't appreciate the skills a good teacher has Honestly, any teacher who takes it personally that a parent decides home education is a better fit for their child is so sensitive I wonder how they manage in the classroom.

Not everything is about us!

Selena94 · 30/05/2026 10:18

followtheswallow · 30/05/2026 10:12

don't blame amy teacher for feeling it shows that you don't appreciate the skills a good teacher has Honestly, any teacher who takes it personally that a parent decides home education is a better fit for their child is so sensitive I wonder how they manage in the classroom.

Not everything is about us!

Exactly. Teaching your own child and teaching a class (or multiple classes in secondary) of 30 children is completely different anyway.

sittingonabeach · 30/05/2026 10:24

But OP doesn’t know that HE will be a better fit for her child. Her child is 1. Her child is currently in nursery and enjoying it. OP is considering upping her working hours whilst child is at said nursery and then pulling her out of the education system when she reaches reception age.

LogicVoid · 30/05/2026 10:33

It's simply because your choice is seen as 'challenging' their choices for their children. You don't need to engage with debate with them - if necessary, just say that this is a topic that's best avoided between you. If they persist, you could always say you find it quite interesting how many ex-teachers have decided to HE their own children, their experiences of school-based learning having influenced that choice (I'm presuming that you are now actively networking and building relationships with your local HE communities and groups )!

followtheswallow · 30/05/2026 10:35

You could argue that about anything though. I don’t know living in the country is a good fit for my child, or the rural primary school I chose rather than a bigger one or independent. We all do things based on what we think is best, and that may change but OP is saying this is the current plan.

teaandaflorentineplease · 30/05/2026 10:38

CoverLikelyZebra · 30/05/2026 10:05

You have every right to make the decision you've made @teaandaflorentineplease but I don't blame amy teacher for feeling it shows that you don't appreciate the skills a good teacher has. They should keep their opinions to themselves but they will feel as dismayed as a barrister friend would on hearing you plan to self-represent in court, a hairdresser friend would about you deciding to do your own haircut or a dentist would on hearing you plan to do your kids regular dental checkups. You do not know the extent of what you don't know about any professional skill, including teaching.. But as your child is only age one now you have plenty of time to get some good training and qualifications in place so that you can build up the skills you'll need before your child needs you to have them. You are currently at the first peak of a Dunning-Kruger effect graph but you have time to go down the next valley and up the subsequent slope to genuine competence before your child reaches their years of best learning potential.

And people have said that my posts are patronising! Surprisingly I’m not making educational choices for my child to extol my friends’ skills.

OP posts:
Onmytod24 · 30/05/2026 10:41

You’re creating a problem that doesn’t exist
You found a solution for a problem that doesn’t exist
If you’re bringing up your tiny one-year-old in the way you speak she will absolutely thrive at school. She will love the hustle and bustle and all the different people now and to be stuck at home all day. Oh my I cannot imagine anything more boring for certain children with certain difficulties maybe, maybe sometimes it’s the best thing.

Pixiedust49 · 30/05/2026 10:41

I toyed with the idea of HE for my child. However I did end up sending her to school. I will always remember a day I’d gone into the school to volunteer with an event and walked through a cloakroom area where my DD was getting ready to outside. She had no idea I was there and she was laughing and laughing over something with her friends. She looked so happy. I remember thinking I can’t ever give her that. There are things as parents that we just can’t provide and come from relationships with different people. If that makes sense. It’s not just the education aspect it’s so much more.

Mischance · 30/05/2026 10:44

Home educating is great for extremely introverted children ...

A joke I assume....