Am I being unfair about a friends excitement over my pregnancy

[JustAGirlxo]

I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant with my first baby. A friend of mine is also pregnant shes two months behind me but this is her second child.

We’ve been friends for around 10 years, but we haven’t actually been particularly close for quite a while. We haven’t hung out in around 2 years and I hadn’t seen her in about a year before my pregnancy. We stayed in touch but it wasn’t a very involved friendship.

Since finding out I’m pregnant, she’s become very invested. She talks about “doing motherhood together”, has spoken about coming round when my partner is at work, talks about our babies growing up together, and seemed very invested in my baby shower. She was originally only asked to help host some games but was messaging my cousin separately about shower plans and seemed to want a bigger role than I’d actually asked her to have.

She’s also approached another friend of mine (who she only knows through me) asking if she was coming to my baby shower.

A couple of people around me have said they think she’s just excited, but they’ve also admitted the level of excitement seems quite intense.

Part of my discomfort is that this same friend has asked me for favours, childcare and money on and off over the years. The last time she asked me for money was during my pregnancy, which I found quite uncomfortable.

I don’t dislike her and I’m not saying we can’t be friends. What I’m struggling with is that I feel like she’s built up an idea of what our friendship and motherhood journey will look like, and it doesn’t match what I want.

I’m excited to become a mum, but my focus is very much on my partner, our baby and our families. I don’t really want a daily-contact, shared-childcare, “we’re doing motherhood together” type friendship.

Because this is my first baby and I only have a few weeks left, I sometimes feel like I’ve spent a lot of my pregnancy managing someone else’s expectations and excitement rather than just enjoying it myself.

Am I being unreasonable, or would others find this level of involvement a bit much?

and if she asks for money again, just say no, it really is not that difficult.

She has asked to borrow money. That is crossing a line and unacceptable - she isnt just offering support

Aside from the money borrowing thing (say no if this ever comes up again) - as a mum of 2, maternity leave isn’t all roses. It can be extremely isolating and lonely and you will be glad to have a real mum friend when that happens - everyone goes back to work after all!

If you have drifted in the past couple of years that sounds like it’s happened since she’s had a child so maybe you should have been a better friend there. If you were unhappy with babysitting then you should have said no also.

I’d keep her at arms length if it’s really bothering you that much but honestly I would have loved a friend like that on maternity leave!

She is coming on a bit strong! It’s only natural to feel uncomfortable if you don’t want to be close again. You can’t force friendships and she will get the message if you decide to distance yourself, but I wouldn’t rush into doing that just yet.

Is there any reason why you have drifted? Maybe because she had her first, while you were not in that phase of life yet? I’ve had some friends who don’t have kids and they’ve not even seen me or asked how I am, so I not expecting to really want to be friends with them going forwards. Do you know if she had a good first maternity leave?

As I come to the end of my maternity leave, i have personally found it very isolating and lonely at times, and that’s not without trying. I have a nice NCT group and we chat most weeks, but I’ve only met them 3 times this year (I guess we just haven’t clicked). I’ve done all the baby classes and tried to make mum friends but nothing came of them... Yes, it’s an amazing year for you to get to know your baby but it is a hard year and a big stress on relationships/marriage and if you’re currently working and out the house regularly it can be a shock from seeing people everyday to suddenly being with a baby you also have to get to know.

I think having this friend where you don’t have to make a huge effort with could possibly be a blessing.

How did she know you were pregnant a year ago? You must have told her way before the 12-week mark which would have been less than 6 months ago?

I understand that she's being overbearing, but when you have your baby you'll be able to decide if you want to engage, or not. I personally only wanted to spend time with my DH and DD - I don't have many close friends in the area anyway but wasn't interested in seeking out other mums as I was exhausted and not up to socialising. The idea of taking my daughter out to a coffee shop etc. didn't appeal at all as she didn't sleep well and struggled with reflux.

However, there are plenty of mums who need connection during mat leave and would like someone to text during 3am feeds, or to take the baby to the park with.

If you don't want to engage with her, it's really easy to be able to say 'sorry, X didn't sleep well so we're not up to doing a play date today', or keep contact to a coffee date once per fortnight. Babies are a brilliant excuse!

If she doesn't accept that or continues to overstep then just phase out the friendship. In the end, you don't really owe anyone anything?

What do you say when she asks for money? Saying no may be the way to make her distance herself from you.

Regarding the excitement, it's pretty clear that she wants something from you, possibly because she's not getting it from her partner. Maybe a combination of money, emotional support, being a babysitter or an additional parent figure. Either way, if it doesn't suit you then stop going along with things. Best to tell her that you're busy and don't have time to chat etc.

You need to keep her at arms length. You don't need to reply to her messages, it is ok to ignore her. Tell her straight that you will not be able to ever lend her any money again. You can tell her firmly that you aren't making any plans at this stage and will want some space when the baby is born. If she comes round anyway then don't let her in.

You are going to have to be firm, some people find it hard to do that and then let others walk all over them.

Oh my god, she's "voluntold" you as her new best friend, semi-co-parent, on call childminder, baby clothing swap/donator, money lender, you name it.

I’m excited to become a mum, but my focus is very much on my partner, our baby and our families. I don’t really want a daily-contact, shared-childcare, “we’re doing motherhood together” type friendship.

Perfectly reasonable.

Edit to add: Beware unilateral decision makers. You've had no say in any of her plans at all.

I think this just comes down to the fact that some women need female company more than others or maybe you are just more introverted than her.
There is nothing wrong with just wanting to spend time with your family but for some women especially during pregnancy this is not enough.
I would just tell her straight that its too much for you and maybe you could meet occasionally instead if you genuinely do like her?