Am I being unfair about a friends excitement over my pregnancy

[JustAGirlxo]

I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant with my first baby. A friend of mine is also pregnant shes two months behind me but this is her second child.

We’ve been friends for around 10 years, but we haven’t actually been particularly close for quite a while. We haven’t hung out in around 2 years and I hadn’t seen her in about a year before my pregnancy. We stayed in touch but it wasn’t a very involved friendship.

Since finding out I’m pregnant, she’s become very invested. She talks about “doing motherhood together”, has spoken about coming round when my partner is at work, talks about our babies growing up together, and seemed very invested in my baby shower. She was originally only asked to help host some games but was messaging my cousin separately about shower plans and seemed to want a bigger role than I’d actually asked her to have.

She’s also approached another friend of mine (who she only knows through me) asking if she was coming to my baby shower.

A couple of people around me have said they think she’s just excited, but they’ve also admitted the level of excitement seems quite intense.

Part of my discomfort is that this same friend has asked me for favours, childcare and money on and off over the years. The last time she asked me for money was during my pregnancy, which I found quite uncomfortable.

I don’t dislike her and I’m not saying we can’t be friends. What I’m struggling with is that I feel like she’s built up an idea of what our friendship and motherhood journey will look like, and it doesn’t match what I want.

I’m excited to become a mum, but my focus is very much on my partner, our baby and our families. I don’t really want a daily-contact, shared-childcare, “we’re doing motherhood together” type friendship.

Because this is my first baby and I only have a few weeks left, I sometimes feel like I’ve spent a lot of my pregnancy managing someone else’s expectations and excitement rather than just enjoying it myself.

Am I being unreasonable, or would others find this level of involvement a bit much?

But you've previously lent her money, so of course she asked again. Stop lending someone money if it's not OK as far as you are concerned. And isn't it obvious that if you'd rather maintain a relatively distant relationship with someone, you don't invite them to your baby shower, far less give them a role they clearly think is indicative of a closeness to them!

You're giving her mixed messages, OP, and then getting cross when she sees it as indicating positivity towards her.

I'm in a very similar situation, currently pregnant with my first and have a friend expecting her second around the same time. We were very close in the past but drifted apart.

Since learning we are due around the same time this friend has made a big effort to reconnect and has talked about spending time together during mat leave. Being a second pregnancy she has been worried about not knowing anyone else on mat leave at the same time, as the first time around she had a great support network from her antenatal classes etc all going through motherhood together whereas this time she doesn't know anyone.

I feel similarly wary about rekindling the relationship due to the reasons we drifted apart in the first place, but on the flip side I've appreciated having someone to ask random questions to at 3am who's been through it all before. The friendship doesn't have to be as one-sided as it sounds in your case and I think it's doable to maintain a casual level of friendship that works for both sides. Although the 'honeymoon period' may be a wonderful time with just close family around you, you may be glad of the company as the year rolls on and your partner is back at work etc so best not to burn any bridges!

This is my assumption on reading all this. Maternity leave can be incredibly lonely and it sounds like she sees your impending motherhood as the opportunity to have a positive experience this time around by having a friend having the same experience of a new baby. If you're worried about her being overbearing when your baby is here, I wouldn't worry too much as she's going to have her hands full once her second arrives. In the meantime, appreciate any help she provides while you're in the newborn trenches. A lot of people don't get any excitement or support from others.

I understand what you mean OP. There’s definitely some people that I became wise to when I got pregnant that were trying to reset our relationship. They had gradually drifted before my pregnancy and when I had tried to maintain a relationship with them had not been interested at all (assuming that I wouldn’t have kids)…announced I was pregnant and all of a sudden they back on the scene. I then feel like I’m managing their expectations rather than just cracking on and doing what I want.

Oh wow. This would give me the creeps. I think she’s lining you up as additional support / childcare resource. Is her other half unsupportive?

Trust your gut if you’re uncomfortable or regret it. I had a friend go weirdly intense and behave oddly when she was trying to conceive(I didn’t realise) & then when she was pregnant. Her boyfriend was really unsupportive from the get go (why you would actively try to have a baby with a man like that beats me). I had been having conception difficulties which she knew about and always asked me about it. She had told me she was waiting for an engagement ring before trying to conceive, which made me feel like it was an open dialogue. It turns out she had actively started trying to conceive the same time I had started IVF. She kept saying like “we will be mummies together I just know it” and talking about doing motherhood together, so weird and that was before she even announced she was pregnant. I had a miscarriage, she knew this and I had told her when I was initially pregnant. She just kept saying “I know the next transfer will work and we will be mummies together.” She then announced she was 4 months pregnant as a big “reveal” - literally recording my reaction, camera in my face. But she gripped my and my friend’s hands being like “I’m going to need my girls SO much, I’m going to be a mummy. A MUM-MY. Are you with me my girls?”. It was creepy but I got the feeling a lot of it was driven by deep down knowing she’s not going to have any support. “Will you be there to support me girls I’m going to need it”. I can’t help but feel she started trying to conceive at the same time (she said they decided to do it - despite only being together 9 months with weekly terrible fights) as I was doing IVF for this exact reason… it was so strange. She was asking so many questions about it which now really give me the ick. Edited to add: she still isn’t engaged so it was so weird she kept telling me her plans were to wait to get engaged before conceiving… when she was actively conceiving and then pregnant and asking so many questions about my situation. Just ew

I now think she’s a bit of a mentalist and tbh I wish I had trusted my gut earlier. So trust your gut OP!

I’m going to go against the grain here - perhaps she is genuinely excited and wants to make it really special and wants you to feel supported.
my mum friends have been an absolute lifeline I have to say x

I think she is genuinely excited, but also a bit intense in the process.

It’s your first baby. Don’t know what your set-up’s gonna be after your baby is born but you might find it a bit isolating in the early days. If I was you I’d be happy to have a friend with a similar aged baby to hang out with. Does sound a bit intense with the babies growing up together stuff, but I’d just ignore that, she’s probably just excited. If I didn’t actively find her annoying day to day I’d just be happy to have a friend in a similar situation and ignore the intense statements she makes

Agree 100%
op is being quite precious - your main focus can be your partner and families, but ruling out friends is going to make life harder in the long run

Did you get your money back?!! She’s a user and a I would not trust her!! She wants something and whether it’s more money - a lot more - or childcare or whatever I’d back right off and STOP giving her money and time and anything else!!!

Yes I think so too. She’s lining you up either for money, childcare swaps or to expect you pass things on to her as hers will be younger. You seem to have the measure of her so just go with that. You already have your SIL child to bond over with so no need to have potential problems in your life.

It’s obvious you haven’t had a child before. Most of the mums realise how lonely and isolating it is, especially during mat leave and they crave adult companionship. Soon you ll realise why she is so happy you are pregnant at the same time.

If you weren’t particularly close friends then why the hell is she involved in running your baby shower, even if it’s just the games as intended?!

Or even why was she invited to it?!

You may find you actually do need and appreciate “the village” when you actually have the baby.
I’ve basically co-parented my youngest with my friends and their kids, something I didn’t have with my older two and I’ve found I’ve enjoyed it.

I was going to say you were being unreasonable as she just sounded excited until you mentioned the money part. No one should be asking for cash regularly and because you've given it to her in the past like a good friend would I fear she sees you as a regular cash donor. Like others have said, distance yourself and enjoy your baby with your family and those friends who don't see you as a cash cow ! Frankly I find it dispicable behaviour. Congratulations and enjoy, it goes so fast x

I was thinking the same

You just sound like very different people. Maybe she doesn't have the same support and family that you do around her? It's always nice to know other mums especially when kids are the same age, it's nice to have someone to go for coffee and a play with. It does maybe sound like she has little support given she's asked you for childcare in the past. The money thing is definitely too much. I'd just keep it at the level of contact you want and I'm sure she will get the message. Maybe a monthly meet up with the babies.

Yes this.

Just find your voice, say no thank you to things and create the distance you want without being unpleasant. Perfectly do-able.

Never a lender or a borrower be.

I would gradually disengage from her simply because it is unacceptable to ask a friend to lend you money. I feel trouble ahead

You don’t want to be in a situation where you are having to manage her friendship expectations when you should be enjoying your first child.

I would set her straight before baby comes.

you will resent her down the line if you allow this to continue.

I think that resentment has already started.

Younhave allowed this to happen.
She sees younas useful, for a variety of things.

You are very silly to allow this, but clearly your boundaries are poor.

You will pay dearly with stress if you don't step back firmly from her.
Good luck.

Leave at least two to three days before replying to every message she sends. Or longer. You are busy living your own life. She will pick up on that vibe without you having to do anything else.
Set boundaries for no visits except for the people you want (usually only family and close friends) for the first few weeks or months by casually mentioning it to her. Just so she doesn’t turn up at your house when baby is here. Lots of people ask visits to be arranged through other halves.
Then you’ll have your baby in a few weeks. She will have hers in a few months and you might be glad of a pram walk together in a few months after that. Life is about to get busy. Focus on rest just now. You won’t get rest and free time the same way for a very long time.

I was thinking this! Op, is a first time mum, perhaps she hasn’t heard the old saying it takes a village!

words of advice don’t turn anyone’s help down you just never know how things work out! This is what my mum told me when I had my first. My husband elderly aunt who I didn’t know walked in and picked up my newborn from his crib. Don’t know what it irked me - but it did and I moaned to my mum. Aunt lives a few minutes drive away whereas my family is hours away! During my first year the amount of times that aunty as been a life saver to me! She is atleast 45 years older than I but during the hard times as shown up here to hold the baby whilst I shower, have a cup of tea, change my sheets! I had a baby who never napped! I also got really unwell when baby was about 4 months and hubby was out of the country and I had no one else to call! She came, cooked and tidied up and looked after the baby and dog whilst I slept! Don’t burn bridges yet. People are just generally over excited about newborns! They lose interest once they become toddlers!

This. If you wish to continue with the friendship, you need to put very clear boundaries in place otherwise this will snowball once her baby arrives.