Am I being unfair about a friends excitement over my pregnancy

[JustAGirlxo]

I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant with my first baby. A friend of mine is also pregnant shes two months behind me but this is her second child.

We’ve been friends for around 10 years, but we haven’t actually been particularly close for quite a while. We haven’t hung out in around 2 years and I hadn’t seen her in about a year before my pregnancy. We stayed in touch but it wasn’t a very involved friendship.

Since finding out I’m pregnant, she’s become very invested. She talks about “doing motherhood together”, has spoken about coming round when my partner is at work, talks about our babies growing up together, and seemed very invested in my baby shower. She was originally only asked to help host some games but was messaging my cousin separately about shower plans and seemed to want a bigger role than I’d actually asked her to have.

She’s also approached another friend of mine (who she only knows through me) asking if she was coming to my baby shower.

A couple of people around me have said they think she’s just excited, but they’ve also admitted the level of excitement seems quite intense.

Part of my discomfort is that this same friend has asked me for favours, childcare and money on and off over the years. The last time she asked me for money was during my pregnancy, which I found quite uncomfortable.

I don’t dislike her and I’m not saying we can’t be friends. What I’m struggling with is that I feel like she’s built up an idea of what our friendship and motherhood journey will look like, and it doesn’t match what I want.

I’m excited to become a mum, but my focus is very much on my partner, our baby and our families. I don’t really want a daily-contact, shared-childcare, “we’re doing motherhood together” type friendship.

Because this is my first baby and I only have a few weeks left, I sometimes feel like I’ve spent a lot of my pregnancy managing someone else’s expectations and excitement rather than just enjoying it myself.

Am I being unreasonable, or would others find this level of involvement a bit much?

YABU, she’s probably just excited after doing it alone last time. I’d be asking if everything is okay and why she’s so desperate for companionship this time

I feel sorry for her, you sound miserable and mean. I hope she finds some other mum friends.

this - you asked her to help in your baby shower but then unhappy she was trying too hard to help? I think you are over thinking this - whatever she says about the future is not guarented to how she will feel or want when the future becomes the present.
but I am confused about your friendship - you do childcare and lend her money but not good friends?

It sounds like she’s trying to make herself seem like a rock for you during your pregnancy and the early weeks of motherhood so she can start asking for favours and money to “pay her back” when her time comes. I would just stop replying to her frequent messages and definitely don’t meet up. Just reply very vaguely occasionally without giving any info over she can latch onto.

The op or friend?

Just wait and see how you feel after youve had the baby. It might be nice to have her company. No reason to be suspicous or offended with her friendliness.

She's excited

Just ignore her mainly, and keep her as a more distant friend.

Does she have any other mum friends? If she’s asking you for childcare even thought you’re not close then it sounds like she doesn’t have much support. Why hadn’t you met up for two years? Maybe she’s wanted to be a closer friend than you did and she thinks the pregnancy will bring you together. It sounds like you need to manage her expectations now before the baby is born

You sound like a terrible friend. Do you even like her?

I would start distancing myself NOW. She is gearing up to leach on you. By that I mean, planning to bring her two to all baby plans you make and just expecting you to pitch in. She will be comparing your babies, expecting you to pass down clothing or stuff as soon as your baby outgrows.
If she’s asked you for money, then be certain she is going to poke , prod and compare what you buy.
I would create the line of distance pretty soon.

I also knew someone like this who had 3 when I had my one. Her brood would come over and wreck my place or my baby’s toys while she thought that I should be grateful that my baby now had ‘friends’.
Also days out were chaotic with her 3 when I just wanted a chilled day with kids my babies own age.
I dropped that friendship pretty quick.

EXACTLY!
These people who have a sudden change of heart always come with Sly intentions

I’m hearing your friend is very enthusiastic and it’s coming off as overbearing.

I’m guessing she might have struggled with feelings of loneliness or isolation with her first baby and doesn’t want that for you. She thinks she’s being kind.

Reality will hit like a freight train when you both have newborns (and she has to juggle two children!). She won’t have time for a lot of the plans she is enthusiastically making right now!

@JustAGirlxo

The 'doing motherhood together' thing made me chuckle. My BFF and I had boys a year apart (her first, my second) and we 'did motherhood together' and it rolled along fine for a few years. But as time progressed both of our sons said 'No' to suggested outings or trips to each other's houses. Turned out, they just didn't like each other. They were both good kids, they simply didn't 'gel'. So there went 'motherhood together' lol.

Just give it time and keep your boundaries. Things may take care of themselves!

Far too much.
Turn off notifications so she cannot see when you are online.
Text her you need space and are nesting so will not be in touch.
Tell her you will only be seeing family and close friends for the near future and you will be in touch after the baby is born.

Her behaviour is batshit, not normal at all.
Nip it firmly in the bud or you will regret it.

In which case ,why involve her in your shower.. surely you would keep her at arms length,with your strength of feelings against her .
I think your giving her mixed messages

Not really sure how to word this is a delicate way…but first time mum’s can sometimes obsess over really little things which when you look back on, really weren’t worth the bother. I know I did!

This sounds like one of those things.

Just chill out and let her be excited. So what if she messages? If she sends one text a day, it doesn’t really impact you? After the excitement of baby arriving you’ll probably feel a bit bored and lonely when the hoards of people disappear. You’ll find you like having a friend to do motherhood with.

Just go with the flow. Things will work out. Stop replying so fast etc.

Until she expects OP to be involved just as much with HER shower. Bet this woman is lining up plans here. I can’t imagine someone who is pregnant themselves with other children being THIS excited over someone else’s baby- you know the someone who she has barely seen in TWO years.

You really need to start making yourself unavailable and un-contactable for the rest of your pregnancy I think.
She sounds like she thinks she’s the only woman to have ever had a baby to be honest……..trust me, they do exist 😂😂.
First baby in particular is a journey to be enjoyed with your DP and immediate family of your choosing.
Hope all goes smoothly with your impending birth!

It does seem a bit much and I think if your gut is trying to tell you something, then you should listen.

It may be as simple as wanting your baby’s things after you’re done with them.

However, I think unless you have other friends or family with a baby a similar age, I wouldn’t cut her off completely.

I think having someone in a similar situation is such an advantage.
You’ll both be on maternity leave together and just having that support and someone to chat to can be amazing.

Some people all of a sudden want to stay with their little family and I’ve read time and time again how before the baby’s even born they put strict restrictions on MILs involvement etc but the reality is usually the more support you have around you the better.

She has done this before and so it’s likely that she is doing it for that reason.
I know when my friend got pregnant I told her to join as many mum-to-be groups as possible.

I would just be honest about feeling a bit overwhelmed by having a big baby shower etc and that you just want a affair but that you’re excited about sharing this journey with her.
I’d just make sure my replies to her are quite slow so she doesn’t expect too much.

You live your life. If she's being a bit oversteppy, draw boundaries and stop it.

Are you too scared to potentially upset her? Because if so, you need to grow a backbone because being a Mum means being a tigress when necessary to ensure your child is safe and supported

I agree with PPs. This is a big game she's playing so she can basically use you. Don't fall for it.

Except there is literally no evidence that this is true.

Is she maybe lonely as a mum or found her first maternity leave lonely and is excited to have mum friends this time around? I wouldn’t shun mum friends as you may find you need them and your non-mum friends aren’t as bothered anymore.

I feel like some of the comments are a bit harsh throughout the 10 years I’ve been a good friend helped with money and childcare on multiple occasions when I didn’t have too. I have not seen this friend in almost a year the last time I did was when I was baby sitting her daughter she found out I was pregnant and was happy for me 2 months later she tells me she’s also expecting and that’s where the increase in contact started. The first time around for her she had loads of friends her daughter has roughly 10 godparents but over the years they have faded or they have fallen out. This time around she admitted her own dad said she already struggles with one never mind two kids. Like I said I’m happy to be her friend but the level of involvement she all of a sudden wants doesn’t match what I’m looking for at nearly 30. My baby shower she was only asks to help with the games she was aware I had other help with decor food ect so for her too assume a role she wasn’t assigned and knew it was assigned elsewhere again is entitled

@WeatherOrNothing I thought the same thing. The level of excitement she has for my baby is way too much. Not even my family and other friends are that full on. She asked me for money twice during my pregnancy at 20 weeks which I thought was so inconsiderate considering I’m a first time mom and she’s done this once already. I fear she sees me as someone who can help with her kids like childcare swaps. My partner has a sister who’s just had a baby so our kids will be cousins I don’t mind developing a relationship with her as it’s non transactional