Should 50/50 custody be the default?

[RatsRatsRatss]

What would you say were the reasons a parent doesn’t see much of their child after separation and divorce? Why do you think this happens?

Would you judge a parent who doesn’t see much of their kid?

Do you believe (abuse/neglect/deadbeat parents) aside that the default after divorce should be 50/50 custody? Should a child have a right to a relationship with both parents after separation?

interested to hear what everyone’s opinions are

I mean absolutely equal sharing the load entirely. Both can be SAHP while the other works their shift and visa versa...no one then needs to pay for childcare. Dads absolutely can get another job during the run up to the child being born.

Yep both can share parental leave and it must be shared parental leave not shared leave while one has a jolly. Means both pay for childcare on day 1 not just mum....both share the costs for leave too not just one losing a pension and gaining more interest on student debts...it is shared...

Sharing the chores, sharing the organising...both doing baking for the fair at school, both sorting out costumes for the nativity taking it in turns year on year, both arranging time off for appointments, both being involved in their education....it would save a lot of relationships if it was 50/50 from birth not just from separation.

Totally depends if it’s feasible, do the parents live near each other, are both parents capable of not bad mouthing each other, do they have jobs that allow them to do so.

@Samysungy Do you realise the self employed don’t get parental leave? Parents must earn as they are running 2 homes. Very few don’t work at all and there are loads of self employed parents. As a result children fit in to working patterns and this might not be equal for very good reasons.

Absolutely they can have parental leave. I am self employed. They only run one home when in a relationship...never known any parents live separately when in a relationship but absolutely if that is how you live then who am I to judge!

Well if it is not equal then they cannot say they want 50/50 then can they? They must then provide their own way to manage things so if they need childcare as they are at work then they should source that....surely the self employed can source childcare for a newborn.

The default should be whatever is best for the children.

that will vary

I would 100% say that my DH and I are pretty equal parents. There is no default on who does bathtime, or who brings the kids to extra curriculars, or who takes off work if the kids are sick, or who cooks dinner or goes to medical appointments etc. Sometimes I buy clothes, sometimes he buys clothes.

He also has a son from a previous relationship, who has equal time at both his parents homes. Although the parent don't get along, they both do everything for their son. If he needs a haircut, if he needs new shoes, school shopping, extra curriculars, medical appointments.... whatever he needs he gets from either of his parents. If one can't do it, the other picks up the slack because they co-parent. For bigger things both parents attend, sometimes both step-parents attend.

I know plenty of parent groups who do similar. And I also know plenty of parent groups who have a default. For example, my mum was the default parent. My dad worked hard, my mum worked part time. Dad brought us to activities when not working but mum done all the appointments, all the homework, all daily tasks. And I agree that if my parents had seperated I would have been better placed primarily with my Mum.

As I've said a few times, the access arrangements need to be child-centred.

Different point of view here... My daughter's. She's 17 and has been 50/50 for 12 years along with her younger brother. She's sat with me now so I asked her, although I know her view because we have discussed it many times!

She says 50/50 is good when both parent have the same approach to parenting. Her dad and I have always been on the same page in that respect so we've been lucky I guess. She has 2 of pretty much everything and she loves having two lots of holidays 😅 When she was younger she loved having two lots of Christmas and birthday presents and celebrations although that doesn't bother her these days because she does her own thing. I know she likes to be able to escape to a different house when she wants - this morning she was here at 8am from her dad's, while her brother likes to be at his dad's a bit more because it's nearer town and his mates.

During COVID she considered herself really lucky to have two houses so she wasn't bored of staying in one place 🤣 My kids often say they like the change of scenery, so to speak.

The arrangement was always so that our kids have a relationship with both parents and they have an amazing dad, so that was never going to stop because we'd split up. They have dedicated time with him and with me. The days they're with me, I keep free and ensure all my jobs are done etc so I've got time with them and am not dragging them to the supermarket for example. Their dad does the same.

There are some small challenges with school books and PE kits of on occasion and I've nipped round with bits of uniform more times than I care to remember, but I've tried really hard to accommodate those things myself so it doesn't impact the kids.

I know my situation is probably unusual because we have always 100% co-parented and continue to do so. But yes, 50/50 can work well, if you want it to.

Also to say, I have actual experience of this.

I spent my childhood between my mum, my Nana and my mum's partner, before they moved in together [mum and partner, not nana and mum's partner🙈😅]. I didn't love it (although I quite liked being with my Nana), I didn't hate it. It was just how things were. I certainly didn't have possessions in each place. My possessions were at home at my mum's house and if I wanted to take toys or a book, I had to pack a bag to take with me then take it away again when I left. Every time. And they lived in different towns. I never felt shunted. I didn't even have my own room at my Nana's house; I stayed in my uncles room unless he was home, which was every couple of months or so, then I slept on a fold out bed in my Nana's bedroom. I didn't really know any different. I think the stressful bit for kids is the disagreements between the parents and the different approaches to parenting in different homes, not the actual staying in different houses.

Really? Because my daughter is 26 never bothered about her father and I have a 17 nearly 18 year old and a 13 year old who arnt bothered by their dad either in both cases its because dad never bothered about them even when they were unemployed and I was working i paid for child care because he just couldn't be bothered

I think part of the issue with EOW onlyarrangements can arise when the EOW parent (often the dad) re-partners and has step children and/or additional children with the new partner who live full time (or mainly in the case of steps) with the dad as a new family. The visiting children can then feel, well like visitors and outside the new family.

I agree. It's actually flipped in our case where my DH is definitely the stricter parent in terms of rules but funnily enough from a very young age he cried to stay with Dad more. Eventually they had 50/50 from about age 8. He's 14 now and whilst the status quo is still 50/50 he probably stays with us a bit more in summer or holidays etc.

Sometimes even kids recognise that structure is better placed!

Quite a few of my high school friends moved from their mum's to their dad's in late high school. Some were because the mum's current partner were dodgy perverts, but sometimes it was just for the extra freedom at the dads. Because living with an unbothered dad was handy if you were a bit on the wild side as a teenager.

In an ideal world both parents would work together for the benefit of the children, unfortunately they cannot be forced into being a decent parent or even forced to see their children once a year, if it suits them. They can even ignore paying for their child.
The burden should be kept at a minimum for the child. 50/50 children can feel like floaters.
In a simple world it might work but reality is far from simple.

Of course the child should have a relationship with both parents.

Im not sure 50/50 is best in many cases, people who have been through this often felt they didnt have a proper "home".

Also, sad to say, a lot of parents dont do anywhere near 50% BEFORE the split so certainly wont after. You cant make a parent, wrll actually parent.

That can happen with 50/50 too.

My sons best friend never felt like he was fully part of either family doing 50/50.

and your point is?

YOUR children not having any contact with their dad has nothing to do with my point.

It doesn't mean that many kids don't move with their dads, sometimes only because their mum refusing to move on and still holding on anger and bitterness against an ex she split up with years ago is getting tiring.

what's unusual is your attitude, and saying they have an amazing dad. I am sure he says the same about you, that they have an amazing mum.

You both put the kids first, and it's fantastic. Sadly many people don't want to do that.

How will your kids learn things like how to budget and shopping etc if they are not included in such things or experience responsibilities? How will they learn about things like comparing items and making decisions on better value products or learn things like managing money etc if they are not getting the chance to...taking kids shopping is not about just because they have to go, it is for their learning and education for adult life. Kids should be involved in things like chores as they are life skills....

🤣🤣 that's a lot of conclusions you've jumped to there! It was an example 😘 my kids are fully equipped for life, don't worry x

I think my kids have benefitted from having one stable home, although we have SEND so extra important for one of them. Not that we had a choice - one of the first things my ex decided when we separated was that he would have them every other weekend. Absolutely no interest in 50/50 or seeing them more as his career more important.

Clearly not if they cannot do the basics because mummy and daddy avoided teaching them basic life skills . Parenting is not just the fun bits!

Really?! What a weird take

@feedyourheed And that’s the norm. To earn money someone has to work. That’s why 50:50 should never be the assumed split. Many people aren’t in the charmed position to do it.

We lived 25 miles apart for the first year we were separated, I took ds to breakfast club at school as he stayed at his original school on my way to work Mon - Wed, on a Tuesday his dad collected him from school & I picked him up at 6.00pm, every other Thursday the same, on his week to have ds I dropped him at school as usual in the morning then dropped his bag at exh who collected him from school & had him until 6.00pm on a Sunday. School holidays we shared. Exh was in hospital for 10 months a year after we split so I had ds 7 days a week & just took him to spend Saturday with his dad once he was on rehabilitation ward & could go out & around the hospital site. Once ds was an adult he admitted he hated all the swapping & changing, sleeping in a different bed & would have preferred to have one permanent home.

I think children should absolutely spend time with both parents every week, but should by and large sleep in the same bed each night. Most kids find it very unsettling to be moving regularly between two homes; having one stable home is fundamental to our sense of security as a child, and - while obviously some will cope with it better than others - enough children have described how negative they found it that I don’t think it should be the default arrangement for any child.

So plenty of daytime hours with the non-resident parent, school pick-ups and teas and activities, but not the constant moving between homes with an overnight bag. Of course this is only practical if the parent who leaves the family home lives somewhere very close by, which will be sacrifice in many cases, but important enough that I think they should do it if at all possible.