Should 50/50 custody be the default?

[RatsRatsRatss]

What would you say were the reasons a parent doesn’t see much of their child after separation and divorce? Why do you think this happens?

Would you judge a parent who doesn’t see much of their kid?

Do you believe (abuse/neglect/deadbeat parents) aside that the default after divorce should be 50/50 custody? Should a child have a right to a relationship with both parents after separation?

interested to hear what everyone’s opinions are

50/50 isn’t the thing in Scotland

I think 50/50 is a good idea. It doesn't have to be week about. It could be one month / two months / one term with one parent, the non resident seeing them EOW. That's less disruptive for the children and both patents are parenting and doing all the incidental, child related stuff. Term about could actually work well with holidays being the swap over period. Have a week or two settling in then back to school.

Being wealthy and moving between luxury homes of your choosing that each serve a purpose is very different to a child being shunted between parents every week. It’s not just about possessions. It impacts friendships, routines, clubs and places the child in quite a high stress situation where they are constantly having to adapt more than they would if they had a permanent base.

It’s not as black and white.

My friend has two daughters - older one doesn’t like 50/50 so does EOW and one evening, younger daughter does 50/50.

It can work but only if the parents can communicate well, live close and willing to adapt and listen to the children as they get older and needs change.

I think the best thing for DC is nesting, so they are always at home and parents alternate in. Unsurprisingly most adults wouldn’t be happy with moving all the time, so this seems very rare.

No, I don’t think that’s the best solution. I meant to include the word perhaps. I think children having a main ‘base’ home is the better solution.

I would’ve nested but I couldn’t afford both the family home and a second “nesting flat” which I imagine is very common.

i had a friend who did it for the first year or 2, and it worked well, but it was £2k a month on a flat on top of paying for the family home.

As long as friendships can be maintained too, I agree this could be a less disruptive model for children. It all comes down to individual situations though.

I guess that would avoid problems that can arise with blending families as they wouldn't need to. Expensive to fund the family home plus another property for each parent though

It’s not usually fMH + a property each, the parents move between the family home and a second shared home- usually just somewhere to sleep- rather than having 2 other “proper”
homes in addition

(eta that’s expensive enough obv)

I think it would be a lot less about "moving" than having to move into your ex's home! or shared home.

Splitting your time between 2 properties is completely different when they are yours. Having to go back to the home belonging to the person you don't want to be married with anymore? How could that be appealing to anyone.

Your child will have their own bedroom in each home, it's completely different.

people argue enough on here about different standards of cleaning when they are a couple, can't imagine how that would work when they only have to tolerate each other for the sake of their kids.

Thats another reason I didn’t do it.

Equal parenting - there is always a default.

I say anyone who wants 50/50 parenting must also try moving between 2 houses 50/50 before telling their kids to do the same. Try it out first.

Oh ok. Good point

No. Not the default. I can’t imagine a scenario where a child is ever better off being dragged from one house to another for half the week / month. I’d hate it myself now, as an adult. Most people like being in their home with their stuff around them. The only way 50/50 might work is if the children stayed in the house and the parents swapped on and out.

But how could I compare whether that is better or worse than only seeing my dad 8 days a month? I’m not 10, I don’t need my dad

You could see your dad daily if you coparented. Do you think you can only see your dad when you sleep? Can you not see your dad at one house and elsewhere?

Imagine thinking parents cannot ever see their kids unless they are in a bed.

Sounds like you do not like the idea of not having one base and being a nomad and being forced to pack up every few days.

I mean it is fine for the next 18 years if you reckon so....I mean adults who travel for work get sick of it after a while and change jobs because they miss out on so much. kids miss out on so much.

I don’t know. As I said we live 200m apart and our children don’t move anything between houses, they have everything they need in both. So it’s hard to relate to that point

Nope. Children should stay with the parent that can provide all of or most of their needs.

I specifically said pretty equal parenting... it will never be exact.

I actually gave an example earlier where my former neighbours had 2 kids who stayed put and the parents moved around and it was horrendous for them.

My own personal experience is with my stepson. His parents split when he was 2, mum didnt work so he stayed with her and my now DH had him one overnight every week and 3 days. But over the years overnight contact with Dad increased and by 8 they had 50/50. All of the increased access was at the request of my stepson. He's 14 now and still maintain 50/50 at his request. We do allow him to come and go as he pleases but he prefers it this way - he knows exactly what days he is going where. The only thing that goes between homes is his schoolbag and his mobile phone.... he doesn't feel the need to move anything else. But both parents are actively involved in schooling, medical, personal care, extra curriculars etc.... I don't think it'd work if one parent was severely lacking in parenting duties.

Another neighbour of mine has one child, they had a large home and seperated and split the home in two so that the daughter could go over and back freely. But eventually my neighbour had to move out as the parents were still arguing living next to eachother. They have now been seperated over 3 years and teh daughter hasn't spent one overnight at her Dad's because she cries to come everytime she goes there.

There's really no hard and fast rule about what works. It just needs to be child centric!

I think 50/50 is very rarely the best option for the child. They need the stability of a home base, the need their things to largely be in one place etc. It’s much harder for 50/50 setups to maintain the same boundaries and expectations between both parents. I’ve seen kids who spend 1 week with one parent and then the next with the other have to lug a weeks worth of stuff into school with them on a Monday, how could that possibly be in their interest?

I’ve heard parents (only dads IME) say that the only reason they do 50/50 is so they don’t have to contribute financially. And often a lot of the care falls to their partner or grandparents in reality.

It is still possible for the parent who gets less of the time to have a strong relationship with their child and contribute to their lives, but they have to be prepared to do the leg work. For example that could be choosing to spend time with their child/ doing an activity with them on a weeknight, but then dropping the child back off at the their main residence in time for bed as that’s what sets them up best for school the next day. Ideally the other parent would allow the non resident parent into the family home to help with homework or bedtime on certain nights, but appreciate most co parent relationships don’t stretch this far, and it becomes much more complicated once new partners/ siblings are brought into the mix.

I would like to see research on this, and as nesting is relatively new there probably aren't that many children who grew up with it to see. However my parents did it for about a year when my sister and I were around 7 and 10, and we hated it. Massively unsettling. We were much happier and settled when we shifted to a mums house and dads house arrangement, and us moving in between. Maybe its OK for much younger kids, or older teens.

I actually gave an example earlier where my former neighbours had 2 kids who stayed put and the parents moved around and it was horrendous for them.

Yep, horrendous is the word I'd use for when my parents did it. I just did a bit of googling about research and looks like the general idea is that nesting is not a good arrangment for anyone involved apart from during a relatively short transition period. I think people that say 'nesting is best for the children' are just thinking they wouldn't like to have to change houses every few days themselves without thinking at all about the broader implications.

I worked with a woman who had a 50/50 arrangement with her ex. One afternoon her kids’ school phoned because her 9 year old wasn’t well and they couldn’t get hold of dad. She wouldn’t go. She screeched all afternoon about how “it’s HIS TIME, I have PLANS” etc etc. Dad was stuck at work and his new girlfriend picked the child up in the end.

I’m quite sure dad was a common-or-garden shit who didn’t do his fair share but imagine not going to pick up your poorly 9 year old and letting a stranger do it instead. I will never, ever understand that. From either of them.