Should 50/50 custody be the default?

[RatsRatsRatss]

What would you say were the reasons a parent doesn’t see much of their child after separation and divorce? Why do you think this happens?

Would you judge a parent who doesn’t see much of their kid?

Do you believe (abuse/neglect/deadbeat parents) aside that the default after divorce should be 50/50 custody? Should a child have a right to a relationship with both parents after separation?

interested to hear what everyone’s opinions are

Lots of men move away! There’s often a compromise to be had regarding a property for both parents and if there’s another woman, that’s a factor too. So many people cannot remain just around the corner from each other. Children should not be shuttled around and often high earning parents, men in particular, hire help. They don’t see dc much, they just pay for childcare.

I have never once seen equal parenting. Ever.

There is always a default - usually for organising.

I’ve been a single parent for 5 years now just to give some context.

The ideal situation is two loving parents who are still together so when that no longer becomes possible it’s about finding the least shit option. My ex has our kids 4 nights a fortnight which is not a lot really, nor does he pay maintenance so it’s not an even split in any way. A lot of people suggesting 50/50 is the way to go actually assume that that’s what the parents want and actually it isn’t always. My ex still thinks he deserves a medal for having the kids 4 nights a fortnight and there’s no way he would be interested in 50/50. I also don’t believe it’s in their best interests to go to his more often for a number of reasons. Most importantly the kids wouldn’t want it after a number of years of me being the primary parent - and it’s only in the last 3 years he’s agreed to “as much” as it is now. In the first 2 years of our split he’d have them two nights a month. As it is having extra time with their dad over half term this week then going away to visit relatives then back home this weekend and back to school next Monday is a bit too much for them. It’s difficult to get it right and often it feels like they live out of a suitcase as it is now.

I taught 2 kids whose parents got divorced (mam found out dad had had an affair many yrs ago which unknown to him at the time resulted in a child.)
They did 50/50. Both did live local. Children were brought to school on a wed by 1 parent and taken home by the other for one week, and repeat. It worked well for their family but mum did say there was no way he was getting out of parenting equally. Anything that happened on 'your time' you had to deal with, clubs, parties appointments etc.

@Mama2many73 Yes dc used to punish the ex! That’s the awful part. It’s not about dc, it’s forcing a parent to meet a requirement the mum has laid down. Dc should not be used like this - to make a point! How is that loving?

What was dad's cakes like?

I live in a country where 50/50 is pretty much the norm. I would say that there are more mothers as primary caregiver but 50/50 is common and expected. Kids do just fine. You have to love your kids more than you hate your ex

Completely agree. 50/50 parenting would mean both parents sharing absolutely equal responsibility for both direct care AND earning money to provide food/shelter/clothing etc.No SAHP. Either both part-time (if equal earners) or nobody part-time. Full-time work for both parents immediately post shared parental leave.

That’s what you meant, right?

LOL if your real life is the one away from your children, you’re a twat.

You’re a bloke aren’t you?

The first, second, and last thing should be what is best for the child(ren).

I know someone who does this. The kids need a diary as they are constantly moving house. The parents have to negotiate any changes to the schedule meaning they regularly miss out on mothers day, birthdays, Christmas etc

they need two of everything. Both parents have very different parenting styles . All very confusing

in the case I know, the father is controlling. That’s why he fought for this set up

How are you deciding its the best for children? It was horrendous for me and my sibling as children. From what I can see its only recommended as a short term transitional arrangement, not as an ongoing arrangement.

Again, what are you basing this on. I can find very little actual research on the impact of nesting on children. Just a small number of people deciding it's better, but luckily most acknowledging its both confusing and unsettling. I know it was a lot easier once my parents had two houses and we shifted between them than them moving in and out of the house we stayed out. We didn't really care about having to pack things and move between houses, we quite liked having the two different houses. But there was something deeply unsettling and unnatural about the house being 'ours' (the childrens) and not either of the parents that I'd probably need hours of therapy to unpack.

If I ever separated from my kids dad, I couldn’t do 50/50. I’ve always been the main carer but he is very involved and close to them. I’d rather have them and have him see them whenever they all wanted to. I would also worry that being split between two homes, the children wouldn’t feel they truly belonged anywhere. I have friends who have done one week on, one week off and in each situation it has eventually changed to living with one parent full time.

Definitely. I noticed the same.

50/50 IS the default. The court will take circumstances to account if this the right agreement.

Yes, have a completely inflexible, stipulated ratio! Its not like children parents and circumstances are all completely different 🙄

The two aren't mutually exclusive..

For example, taking the kids out for lunch then absolutely losing his shit when the 6 year old, who he bought 2 large milkshakes, threw up soon after.

Or taking them out to lunch (there's a theme here) and yelling at them because he'd finished his, and they were still eating when he wanted to go.

In fact, I'd say that Disney Dadding is entirely compatible with only bestowing favour when things are fun, and being utterly useless at best, or abusive at worst, the moment reality strays from the perfect picture in his head (as it often will with children - especially ones that you never actually spent time getting to know/looking after)

50/50 can work for some families but I think it tends to me much more for the parents' benefit instead of the child.

It's important that children have good active relationships with both parents where possible but I think the share of care needs to be child centred.

My children live with me and stay with their Dad eow. 50/50 just wouldn't have worked well for the children, plus Dad and I love a bit too far apart for it to work well for school and their activities etc.

Fucking hell... I'll say it again louder for those at the back

"PRETTY EQUAL PARENTING"

You can't just pick half a sentence 🙄

I never understand how eow is good for kids. 2 weeks is a long time to go without seeing a parent, especially as a child, then it’s all the fun of parenting rather than any real parenting 😕mums (usually) left to run around all week whilst dad gets to plan fun weekends

I’ve know a few children over the years who have hated 50/50.

Ds best friend had that arrangement from 6 years old until he put his foot down at 14 and refused it any longer. He hated having two places to live but nowhere that was really home, shuttling about between two houses. He’s 24 now and still talks about how awful it was.

My ds saw his father EOW, but we lived 120 miles apart so we couldn’t have anyway (I couldn’t afford to stay where we were living and hated it there anyway, so did ex h but the woman he left me for had children in school there so he decided to stay.

ex h worked abroad during the week all of ds life though, so he was used to not seeing him in the week.

Ds said he would have hated having two homes.

ETA - we had no court involvement at all, for divorce or ds living arrangements.

This is why I wouldn’t do it. Parenting isn’t just, or even mainly about quality time. It’s about dentist appointments, home work, hockey tournaments, learning how a household runs, buying the weekly bus ticket ordering the new music book. You can’t have one parent doing that and the other getting weekend time

You're using 50/50 and shared custody interchangeably. 20/80 would still be shared custody and would still mean a relationship with both parents. I don't know why 50/50 should be the default - it won't work for many people just as it doesn't work for many parents who are still together due to work patterns (not to mention incompetence etc!). Do what is least disruptive for the kids.

It is never equal parenting or even 'pretty' equal parenting....(49.5/50.5)

One person is usually doing the default.

What is meant is equal time which does not mean equal parenting.

A mum and dad both having a child 50/50 is not equal parenting. It is equal time.