Should 50/50 custody be the default?

[RatsRatsRatss]

What would you say were the reasons a parent doesn’t see much of their child after separation and divorce? Why do you think this happens?

Would you judge a parent who doesn’t see much of their kid?

Do you believe (abuse/neglect/deadbeat parents) aside that the default after divorce should be 50/50 custody? Should a child have a right to a relationship with both parents after separation?

interested to hear what everyone’s opinions are

Rubbish for the children, who need a home

I mean that not everybody does a 9 to 5.

and when the parents are responsible and intelligent adults, they can work arrangements in the best possible way instead of stupidly ticking off boxes.

It has nothing to do with refusing to parent, it's about the best interest of the child. Expecting your ex to use childcare because you need your "me" time is terrible parenting.

Of course, it would help if the parents were not at war trying to score points, and are trying to make sensible arrangements. Too often one is very miffed about the divorce and use that resentment to make everybody's life hell.

What would you say were the reasons a parent doesn’t see much of their child after separation and divorce? Why do you think this happens?
Absolutely loads of different reasons... e.g. Living conditions (it isn't always financially feasible to have 2 full homes), default parent (where one parent has been a SAHP or has more flexibility to do all the school runs, extra curriculars etc or just has been generally more active in the kids everyday life), parental alienation amongst many others.

Would you judge a parent who doesn’t see much of their kid?
Yep. I think every parent should bend over backwards to want to spend as much time with their kids as possible. Obviously it isn't always in the best interests of the kids but if that's the case... I'd question why is that the case!

Do you believe (abuse/neglect/deadbeat parents) aside that the default after divorce should be 50/50 custody? should a child have a right to a relationship with both parents after separation?
Absolutely yes every chuld should have the right to a relationship with their parent (aside obviously abuse etc) but that doesnt necessarily mean that 50/50 is the best situation. Things like shift work, extracurriculars, location, other siblings, extended family, basic care needs, kids routine etc all feed into it. For example sometimes kids are better off staying in one home during school term as the to-ing and fro-ing and swapping houses sometimes disregulates them too much. Or sometimes one parent might work shift work and can't offer regular steady access to extra curriculars which impacts the child etc.

What is best for children never happens. Stay in their home. Parents swap off. And the care is split however it was before. 50:50 often follows divorce where men did nothing during marriage now they want to avoid CS.

It’s nothing to do with me time.

its everything to do with lazy men who can’t be arsed to obtain the flexible working and use the childcare women do routinely because they’re too special or their jobs are just too special.

My ex always wanted children he lied to get me to keep my pregnancy claimed he had a low sperm count had been told his chances for fatherhood was almost impossible anyway I had the conversation if I continue with this pregnancy I dont want you ditching the child if we split up

we got married had a second we split up he was arrested i tried to be fair allowed him contact in line with social services reccomended guidelines things progressed I offered him more time he cut it short every time I extended it he cut it he stopped it completely several times refused overnights had "migraines" on his days i was still fair dropped the children off provided food didnt ask for child support when he was unemployed then I found out he was telling people I was stopping him from seeing them I was ringing screaming demanding the children back early people found it funny when I showed them a message from him saying he was unwell because he was at their house earlier telling them I cancelled contact it wasn't funny it was fucking tragic for the children involved in this mess he has since remarried and recently asked me why he cant see his kids i told him he stopped seeing them YEARS AGO nothing to do with me he called me a liar blamed me totally not taking a bit of responsibility for his own actions and then after all that he still didn't ask to see them he hasnt contacted them since January he doesn't WANT them he just wants people to think he does

People like my ex are not unusual they are not uncommon they are not even rare 50/50 wont work with people like him this man refused to help potty train his own son he kept putting him in nappies because it was easier in the three hours he had him not to have him use the potty he gave him milk when he was intolerant he is an absolute ass

I really wish it was, my ex has never had our kids overnight and it’s been 10 years, yet other mums tell me im lucky, yeah lucky me 🙄

Why would it be they see the Dad every other weekend.
Perhaps they live with Dad and see Mum every other weekend

They have a right to a relationship but that means a decent amount of regualr quality time, it doenst mean they should be chopped in half or have to be back and forth like the suitcase kid on school nights.

50/50 is shite for the children

I think 50:50 is dreadful. Constantly moving from one house to another and having to move stuff with you or do without it unless parents are both well off enough that you have sufficient means to have 2 of lots of things.

If the parents are very good at co parenting and putting the kids first then maybe. But I think it’s open to a lot of crap (generally fathers) parents getting away with not paying maintenance and not really parenting 50% of the time and the other parent having to pick up the rest or their child goes without.

Your obvious bitterness towards men (or maybe just ONE man I am guessing?) doesn't help at all 😂

It cannot be one rule fits all. Lucky you if you obtained "flexible working", not everyone can, man OR women.

Statistically - no, they don’t. Around 12% of children in the UK are in the primary custody of a father, and that includes men who are the only living parent.

that's a horrible solution on all levels 😂

no we have 50:50. We live 200m away from each other. We share a childminder. It’s not hard. We’re grown ups.

50:50 only works if divorced parents live extremely close to one another and children can easily access school and activities from both homes. The hardest thing about 50:50 is not so much having two homes (there are in my opinion some upsides to this sometimes) but the logistics of trekking between them.

Hopefully in the future more fathers will have the chance to be the primary caregiver in divorce cases. No reason why it should seem to default to the mother.

Agree with pp that children ideally need regular time and a strong relationship with both parents, but that fundamentally 50:50 doesn't work unless the parents live within walking distance (or very close), have a decent co-parenting relationship, the flexibility in their work schedules to allow for extra curriculars and school pick ups to be consistent and the means to double up on absolutely everything.

In general kids are much better off having a home where they spend the majority of their time, and plenty of time with the non resident parent.

Not for the kids

You can’t force someone to spend time with their kid. Which is a good thing really, because do you really want a vulnerable child , unsupervised with someone that doesn’t want them there?

Often job related and the father is usually the higher earner with the mother being the default parent.
Most men would struggle to reduce hours and a lot of women would prefer to receive CMS and have the children more.
This is a generalised statement before anyone jumps down my throat....

and you cannot comprehend why other people, mum or dad, might want to move, relocate for various reasons and why it's not possible for everybody to live 200mn away from each other?

It can't be that difficult to imagine can it?

of course for the kids.

If you imagine that knowing their parents have their real life, and possibly new family, in their new home, where you are not welcome, where you don't even have a room is a positive? you might want to leave the feel good novels and go back to real life.

If the norm was that kids only spent every other weekend with their mums, you’d bet your arse most people on here would say 50/50 was best. Research shows that it generally works well and it’s the norm in many countries that have far fewer social problems than we do.
Kids will have to move house anyway unless you don’t think dads should have any overnights at all.
It’s tragic that so many dads end up losing contact with their children following separation.

it's telling than in many many cases, when children are old enough to have a say, they spend a lot more time with their dad that when their mum made the rules.