Should 50/50 custody be the default?

[RatsRatsRatss]

What would you say were the reasons a parent doesn’t see much of their child after separation and divorce? Why do you think this happens?

Would you judge a parent who doesn’t see much of their kid?

Do you believe (abuse/neglect/deadbeat parents) aside that the default after divorce should be 50/50 custody? Should a child have a right to a relationship with both parents after separation?

interested to hear what everyone’s opinions are

Why is it a horrible solution for the children? Surely it prioritises them staying in same home, the home they have shared with their parents originally, but now they share it with just one of them at a time.

We moved home when my oldest was 5, and for a year she asked us 'when we were going back home' despite our new home being much nicer. The old house was 'home' and the new one was 'new house, not my home'. I think we can underestimate how much children are attached to their homes.

If the parents don't have another partner, more children etc, then I can't see the issue.

Well possibly, if Dad was the primary parent to start. That's not usual for under 10's. I think the aim should be to try and keep the children's routine as much the same as possible. Having 50/50 and then the Dad having a childminder/ nanny pick them up when the mother could is obviously not best for the children.

assuming people even have the finance for 3 properties, when most already struggle with 2
(the family home, mums new home and dads new home.. how realistic would that be)

it's a horrible solution because parents come as babysitters and don't bring the child to their new and real life.

Look, mummy's new place! Where's my bedroom? You haven't got one. You stay in the family home and when it's my shift I come to stay with you.

It's horrific. And that's even before mum or dad get remarried and their new family have a space in their new home.

It’s not generally accepted that 50:50
is better at all. Many child care arrangements are 5/9 out of 14 days. This endures dc have stability in one house and they csn access Clubs and friends. It reduces friction between parents and one parent having every weekend. The resident parent will be obvious and they, reasonably, have more time. Dc don’t like shuttling around between parents if they aren’t handy for school and it’s disruptive to a settled childhood. Dc are not cakes to be divided up equally!

to add: people split up to get their freedom back.

being stuck in a shared home with their ex would be horrible for the adults, and the kids would feel that.

Yes, I can’t imagine why teenagers would choose to spend more time with the parent who has only ever concerned himself with the fun stuff, rather than their meanie mother who makes them do homework and pick their pants up off the floor 🙄

I think it really depends on the family dynamics and co-parenting relationship.

Previous neighbours of mine did this. The kids were permanently in the house, mum and dad swapped in and out and went to live in an apartment they also co-owned when not with the kids.

The kids genuinely went off the rails for awhile until they eventually stopped the situation. Apparently the kids found it incredibly hard to regulate and switch from one parents rules to the other, there was parental arguments over housework and groceries, basically all the shit show of the failed relationship still happened but they just lived seperately.

Both kids ended up moving in with grandparents in teen years.

you seem to confuse your bad experience with a general rule?

If all men were that useless, why would we even bother getting married and have kids with them in the first place. It's patronising and insulting to pretend we are all that desperate.

I know it infuriates many posters on here, but in real life, many dads are just as good parents are mums.

I’m not divorced or separated.

I’ll never agree to 50/50. I wouldn’t want to shuttle between two houses every few days so why should a child be expected to do that. I was the main parent since birth and divorce isn’t about to stop that.

dads are (generally on here) accused of being simultaneously too strict AND Disney dads.

No one denies that there are shit parents everywhere, unfortunately, but the bad dad/ good mum narrative is getting a bit old.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/clyp15g9nk4o

Came across this article a few days back, blew my mind.

Having said that, I'm not sure 50:50 is always in a child's best interests - and the child's best interests should always be the deciding factor.

No saying that the mother wouldn’t also be using a nanny or childminder

I’ll never agree to 50/50.
And that's why a judge gets to decide what's best for the kids

I was the main parent since birth and divorce isn’t about to stop that.
And that's one of the many scenarios that people here are ssuggesting as a reason 50/50 isn't in the beat interests of a child. But that is just YOUR situation. Many others have pretty equal parenting setups from day 1.

No not really- would you move away from your children?

if you were the "main parent" because the other parent had to work to give you the luxury of staying home with the child, then things will obviously have to change anyway when you split up and have to work just as much as your ex, because you now have bills to pay.
You were not the MAIn parent, you were the SAH parent, totally different.

If you were the main parent because your ex is not interested, then it's likely your ex won't be fighting you over the children

50/50 is not child centered. How many of us would genuinely like to have two homes with different books/PE kit that needs to be carted between them, book you're reading at one house and then have to wait and read a different book, different toiletries etc. it's not about not having a relationship with both parents-totally agreed, or tea or after school time but the having two homes is something we come at from a parent-centred perspective

“Too strict” and “Disney dad” are two cheeks of the same arse. They’re both indicative of a man who doesn’t have the will or the interest to do the hard yards of parenting - the repetitive, wearing, often unrewarding work of consistently and patiently disciplining children. They either lose their shit and resort to “I’m bigger than you” bullying, or abdicate altogether and channel Santa Claus every other weekend.

It’s “getting old” because it is old. As old as time. Because it’s true 🤷🏻‍♀️

50/50 never would have worked with me and my ex due to his work shifts. There was serious DV in our relationship so co-parenting in that way wasn’t an option anyway. I imagine the former is a consideration with many families, along with housing costs making 50/50 not really an option. My ex saw our kids other weekend for a while until he got bored of seeing them that often, then it was the odd week in school holidays and now it’s nothing. His poor decisions led to that. His loss.

Tbh, while I don’t know many families with a 50/50 set up, the ones I do know, I don’t see the children benefitting from it as much as their parents seem to. You can divide the children’s time as “fairly” as you want but that doesn’t mean the children are going to feel secure and not stuck in the middle. I guess it really depends on the adults involved (parents, stepparents, extended family) as to how well it works out.

Absolutely. I have friends who do it and it works really well, as they have a great collaborative co parenting relationship and try to keep the same rules and boundaries, discuss things with each other if doubt etc.

I guess the different rules would have been an issue whether they were in shared house or children shifting houses

Lots of rich people have two or more homes and move between them all the time and it’s not seen as terrible.

The nesting solution sounds shit for everyone involved and I’d hate it as a kid. Yes you get the permanence of the house but that is literally it. There is no adult who permanently lives there, just you. Your parents probably feel like guests in the home as it’s neither of their home. I think people who are suggesting that as the ideal are prioritising the physicality of the home over relationships and belonging. Homes are more than bricks and mortar.

In Scandinavia 50/50 is the norm and it’s been shown to work well. The people who say it’s bad are usually mums who are intent on sidelining dads and say how awful it is for the kids. They often place little to no value on their kids having a good relationship with their dad and it’s all about having to leave the book you’re reading behind or some such nonsense.

As a teacher, I don’t think 50:50 is good for children, unless the children stay in the same house and it’s the adults who swap (although I’ve never met anyone with this setup). Most children I’ve taught see dad one night during the week and EOW. The children I’ve taught who are constantly moving between houses are generally quite unhappy about it. They come to school with things like games consoles and other valuable possessions that they want to have with them. If they realise they’ve forgotten something they stress about it all day and often the parent they’ve left it with can’t bring it to school for them which causes distress and lost learning time. They are much more likely to not have what they need for school too as it’s in the wrong house. They never feel settled and I’ve had to write a few welfare forms as I’ve been so concerned about their mood. 50:50 should only be considered if it’s genuinely in the child’s best interest.

I think it's just weird mum and dad having other houses and lives the kids aren't apart of. Rather have my own house that feels like ours and do what I like with it, I'm pretty sure both my exes are glad we don't have to share.

So you feel confident to say that a system you’ve never actually come across is the best solution?

on here it's true

In real life, dads are generally just as good as mums.

And many men genuinely care for kids in general, which is why they can be great doctors, brilliant coaches and fantastic teachers, and care for their own children even more.

It's true that some men are shit dads, and some women are shit mums, it's as old as time.

But generalising is silly. You might as well pretend that we are all damaging our kids mental health because all women are anxious and can't give independence and accept that their children are no longer babies but growing up. Would you say that about all of us women? Of course not. Same thing.