AIBU for not giving my half siblings the same financial help?

[EveryoneIsAsleep]

I have 2 siblings and 2 half siblings who are my dads.

I’m in a good financial situation, so 5 years ago, I gave one of my full siblings some money to help her buy a house and also for fertility treatment. I told my other full sibling that I would help her with money if and when she needed it. A few months ago she found a house she wanted to buy so I gave her the money.

My dad knows I’ve done this as my siblings told him, and since giving the latest gift, he and my half siblings are asking if I’m going to gift my half siblings the same, as they both rent and one is also wanting fertility treatment.

I get on ok with my half siblings but I don’t have the same relationship as I do with my other siblings. One of them has now stopped speaking to me and the other is piling on the pressure for me to gift them the same. They’re also trying to make me feel extra guilty for not at least paying for fertility treatment one of them who is struggling to conceive.

My dad has said it’ll ‘change the family’ if I don’t treat my half siblings the same. He ignored my text asking him what he meant by that. He has now ignored my birthday.

AIBU for not giving my half siblings the same as my full siblings?

What would you do? I feel like I should be able to spend my money however I want to. I’m mostly annoyed at my dad as my relationship with him shouldn’t depend on what I give to his other children.

Good point.

Sadly your dad was a selfish shit when you were growing up and he hasn’t changed. He’s seen an opportunity to save his own money by getting you to fund his 2nd family and has shown you that his ‘love’ is entirely dependant on you letting him do whatever he wants.

I’d maintain the no contact in your position and certainly wouldn’t give any money to half siblings. Possibly with some choice words about family relationships and finances over the years..

OP what a shitty situation. Your dad has betrayed your siblings' trust and yours by using your generosity towards your full siblings to encourage his younger children to pester you for money. If anyone here is spoiling family relationships, it's him.

You're not a cash cow for children he chose to have, presumably having replaced your mum with theirs. If they have specific money needs, he can find money for them.

I voted YABU because I have one full sibling and four halves and wouldn't dream of giving financial gifts to one and not the rest.

YANBU

I don't have siblings, but I do have first and second cousins in another country.

I'm actually closer to the second cousins and would be more likely to help them out financially.

This is a horrible situation. The younger half siblings are just jealous. Wouldn't everyone love if an older sibling had money to gift us but we don't and can't just expect it.

You have been extremely generous with your full siblings because you wanted to. You do not have to give any money to your other siblings full or half. Yes they can be disappointed and jealous but it's your money.

Your father has an absolute nerve and I'd imagine the younger siblings will definitely seek for a balancing up in the inheritance but your money is not part of the pot.

Unless your father had gifted you a huge sum and you are paying it forward to all his children then it has nothing to do with him. I would have a difficult time not to remember this the next time he or the younger siblings needed a hand with something. Nothing like money to bring out people's true colours.

Then the father can give five way gifts

If you give financial gifts they must never be spoken about, and your siblings should not have mentioned your part in their buying a house. You should never discuss finances, people especially family always which they are due a share and it causes jealousy.
I'm really sorry you're ond gesture has caused so much unhappiness. I don't think you've done anything wrong, I'm guessing that you didn't really have the same relationship growing up so don't feel the need to support them financially.
I think your dad is deflecting that fact that he's not helping them financially by giving you a hard time so you're the bad guy and not him.
Your money your choice as other posters have said.

I wonder how much of this is coming from your half siblings and how much is actually coming from your DF. He's lied to himself that he was as good a parent as your DM and that you and your half siblings were all one big happy family, now you've shown him quite clearly that he was wrong, that you didn't feel the same about them and your real family is your DM and your direct siblings.
If your father was a better man he'd admit that he treated you badly and tell his later DC that he neglected you and if they are second best that's his fault, but I wouldn't hold your breath Op

Op I'm sure it's been mentioned but why on earth wasn't all this kept discreet ? Why on earth did these siblings tell your dad and why would he tell the half siblings ?
What's the point or gain of that ?

It should have all been done with the utmost discretion

“ Being able to buy a house is a big thing and worth giving, I certainly wouldn't pay for someone's fertility treatment, that's not essential. If they can afford a baby, they can afford to pay for their own treatment”

That’s a little mean spirited and in any case between OP and her DS

Of course Yanbu. Your DF thinks you are a cash cow. No one is entitled to your money.

I agree @HmmWhatNameToHave, it's not a good idea to share that you've received a financial gift as it can lead to exactly what the OP is experiencing. It's so unfair, she did something nice and look what it's led to.

I did give money to a first cousin abroad at one point when she was in dire financial straits through no fault of her own.

I was somewhat dismayed when I realised that she'd split the money with a sibling. Later, her daughter caught me on my own and told me quite firmly not given anyone any more money.

I don't know quite what has happened, but the last time I visited I realised that one branch of the family is no longer speaking to the other. Based on my dealings with those relatives, I'm fairly certain that it's to do with inheritance. I'm aware that the cousin's sibling had already acquired everything that originally had belonged to their parents.

In my experience, certain relatives are simply far too naive, whilst others are experts in prising - or attempting to prise - money out of others.

I don’t think whether to donate funds to what appear to be fairly distant half siblings is a means tested issue

sounds like a ‘token gesture’ wouldn’t be appreciated - gimme more, gimme more, gimme more

I wouldn’t have thought a shitstorm inevitable with normal people! Hell, when my grandparents gave large sums of money to my cousins (their grandchildren) - whom they brought up as their own after their mother died - I didn’t think anything of it. Well, I did - but as in a ‘oh that’s nice’ way

Just ditch them altogether with your dad. Anyway if the second wife is alive, their mother, she is going to inherit your father and give them all and leave you out of anything.

you are doing amazing...keep doing it

Your sperm donor really doesn't feel guilt about how he dumped you while he was out starting a new family. That's a front. He's a greedy, opportunistic, deadbeat asshole and always remember that when you deal with him. He expects you to fund his second family and thinks treating you poorly (the silent treatment is an abuse tactic) will make you feel so bad you cough up money so he doesn't have to. If I were you, I'd drop the rope completely with him and your half sibs.

Your mom, on the other hand, I take my hat off to her. She did an amazing job.

This. I don’t think half and full siblings need to be treated the same but I would especially not want to give them anything if they behaved like this. In my experience parents have a vested interest in pretending you’re all one big happy family (so in their minds they didn’t put their own relationship happiness over their kids happiness). Evidence that shows this not to be the case really pisses them off as it shatters the illusion. My dad’s like this with my step sisters.

Why? She doesn’t owe them any explanation

Do not give them a token amount or a penny less than you gave your siblings as these grabby fuckers still won't be happy so they and your dad will still give you the 'its not fair' bullshit, so you might as well burn your money.
Also, even if you did give them the same and say paid for one round of IVF(or however many you paid for your full sibling) what do you think would happen if that round failed, yeah you've got it, the emotional blackmail would be piled on again.
Give them nothing, maybe say you can't afford it to close them down, or as a pp said, take a leaf out your dad's book and say it's all tied up.

Why would it be ‘fair’ to treat some people her father had with another woman the same as her much loved siblings she is close with?

and she doesn’t owe her dad anything either so no need to hide from them how badly he acted to some of his children.

He's not ordering anything, just literally describing her actions and having a personal opinion.

It's not up to her to order people to be OK with her decisions either on the same topic though.