AIBU for not giving my half siblings the same financial help?

[EveryoneIsAsleep]

I have 2 siblings and 2 half siblings who are my dads.

I’m in a good financial situation, so 5 years ago, I gave one of my full siblings some money to help her buy a house and also for fertility treatment. I told my other full sibling that I would help her with money if and when she needed it. A few months ago she found a house she wanted to buy so I gave her the money.

My dad knows I’ve done this as my siblings told him, and since giving the latest gift, he and my half siblings are asking if I’m going to gift my half siblings the same, as they both rent and one is also wanting fertility treatment.

I get on ok with my half siblings but I don’t have the same relationship as I do with my other siblings. One of them has now stopped speaking to me and the other is piling on the pressure for me to gift them the same. They’re also trying to make me feel extra guilty for not at least paying for fertility treatment one of them who is struggling to conceive.

My dad has said it’ll ‘change the family’ if I don’t treat my half siblings the same. He ignored my text asking him what he meant by that. He has now ignored my birthday.

AIBU for not giving my half siblings the same as my full siblings?

What would you do? I feel like I should be able to spend my money however I want to. I’m mostly annoyed at my dad as my relationship with him shouldn’t depend on what I give to his other children.

Your dad sounds more appalling with every post. I’m not sure I’d be giving him the time of day now he’s reshown his true colours

^ This. Let him sulk, enjoy the peace and spend your time and energy on your mum and two close siblings.

OP, you sound wonderful as does your mother.

Your father is scum and his apology means fxxk all after what he did.

Typical of a mean man to balk at doing the right thing.

In your place I absolutely wouldn't give them anything and I would completely step back from your loser father.

Invest in your mother and full siblings.
Congratulations on making such a success of your life despite having a complete loser as a father.

Tell your siblings what he has said and ask them to never share family business with him again.

Considering the mean lying loser he is, tgey really should have know better than to say anything.

He really is a spectacular CF to think he can lecture anyone about anything having abandoned his wife and children.

Find your anger.

Urgh, and after abandoning you and your mother, your dad NOW expects you to provide for his younger children? what a twat

I would tell your DF that THIS is what "changed the family" and not the fact you gifted money to your full siblings.

No you helped out your siblings out of love, unless you have unlimited resources then you don't owe your half siblings anything. They sound really entitled to me I would be embarrassed to ask for money and in any case and always want to pay my own way. If they refuse to speak to you because of the situation it doesn't show them in the best light.

Well, colour me totally unsurprised when it turned out that this was the backstory. Your dad abandoned his wife and 3 kids, hid all the money, disappeared for 2 years, came back when he’d got (I am assuming) the affair partner pregnant, and then spent the hidden money on his new golden children and himself.

I bet all his apologies for being an arsehole didn’t include making it up to you financially. Funny, that. What does that say about his relationship with you, given that he clearly equates love and family relationships with doling out money? You might want to ask.

He doesn’t remotely sound like he’s changed. Everything still revolves around the new family, who you must somehow care for as much as he does, and he’s still too tight to put his hand in his pocket (even for them, now). And he still thinks ignoring his kids is ok. Forget him, he’s not worth your care.

This is very difficult for you but given what you have said, your Dad has double standards.

Did your Dad ever take you on holiday with your half siblings after your parents split? I'm betting not. From what you have said, he left your mum in a financial hardship whilst his 2nd family may have got the benefit of his income.

In my head, and this is not tactful or nice to say to him, but I am thinking, hang on, where was he when you three were growing up and needed financial help and support, why were you the one that provided and not him? He was concentrating on his second family that was where he was. And whilst that is not your half siblings fault, he showed his priorities.

So why does he now have the entitlement to think that having dodged emotionally and financially supporting his first family (for which he has apologised) now he is blanking you for not stepping up and supporting his 2nd family? When did that ever become your responsibility? Has he no sense of shame!

If you were close with your half siblings and holidayed together etc, perhaps having partially grown up in the same how, maybe I could understand their stance.

Can I ask, did they just assume you would give them something or did they ask if you would help in the long run, or was this your Dad, is he the one that has set the cat amongst the pigeons? Tell him to dip his hands in his pockets and consider himself lucky that you bailed him out of being pressured into providing for his 1st family.

Or maybe I am projecting my own thoughts above my own similar family situation.

Based on your posts, it sounds like it was quite a long time between helping the first and the second sibling. I'll be honest, I'd just lie to them now. Tell them it took you ten years or however long it was to save enough to help the second sibling. Let them know you will start saving again now for the next one, but it will be at least 10 years. Add in cost-of-living comments, saving for your own retirement etc.

Chances are, you won't be able to save enough to help in the same way. Any holidays you have in the next 10 years, won through a promotion or part of a work junket. Keep your finances to yourself so he doesn't know what you have.

If you had bucketloads of money, sure, it would be nice to help the half siblings too, but with the way they've behaved now, that would put me off wanting to help at all.

Your father should be helping them out!

Just echoing what everyone else is saying, but there is no need for you to give your siblings equal amounts of money.

Your Dad is very odd.

The fact that you have helped out some of your siblings means that there has been less pressure on him to provide, but instead of being grateful, he just seems to want you to give more.

They are his children, not yours.

Are your half siblings thick?

They were the replacement kids and expect the deserted kid to support them.

They are either spoilt or thick, because I just can’t understand how they have no awareness of what you guys went through. Do they not give a shit?

Tbat is very clear then. I’d tell him those home truths loudly and clearly. ‘My full siblings need more support because our family had very little growing up because of your behaviour. Don’t you dare try to guilt me into taking from what I can give to A & B by also giving to X, Y and Z. ‘ End of discussion.

This is completely normal and if it bothers your dad he should have had one family with one woman, not two families with two women.
You do as you please with your own money. Your dad is overstepping the mark and your half sibling is unconscionably greedy. It would have been good if everyone had kept the gifts quiet though xx

It's entirely up to you but it was a mistake for anyone to know that you have given money to your siblings. Why could it not have been kept between you and the recipients? I get that it is good to help if you can but should be done discreetly. Being able to buy a house is a big thing and worth giving, I certainly wouldn't pay for someone's fertility treatment, that's not essential. If they can afford a baby, they can afford to pay for their own treatment.

Your half siblings probably feel left out, they think of themselves as 'family', not part family, but they'll get over it. It's up to you what you do with your cash but from now on, keep it private.

I think this is a good suggestion. If he won’t take your calls then I would write him a good old fashioned letter. Harder to ignore.

its not the OP souring the relationship, it’s grasping half siblings, Truly no good deed goes unpunished

“your half-siblings consider you a proper family, so want the same respect“

do they though or do they just want the generous OP’s money?

Different bonds. That’s fine. Your money. Your choice.

I would keep all this up your sleeve if and when your Dad raises it all again. Just a little quip like ‘Don’t forget your other kids have had you their whole life Dad, course I’m going to help my full sisters, we went through a lot in our teenage years, it wasn’t easy.’

The half siblings wouldn’t even have known about it if the dick of a father hadn’t blabbed. And it’s very possible that the grasping shit has told them to expect funds and tried to engineer an awkward situation so that the OP pays up
I know who I think is the biggest greedy chancer here, and it’s not the half siblings!

No. It’s your money and half siblings aren’t full siblings. Down to your parents that you have half siblings - let one of them pay.

It’s a shame they told your dad but actually that isn’t the point really!
Had they not told him it may have put them in a position of lying or being evasive and this often leads to even more problems if it comes out.
Maybe your dad asked how they managed to raise the funds (if he has any awareness of their finances) which would force them to tell him or to lie!
Hold firm op, it’s entirely up to you, you’ve obviously weighed up all the info and presumably your half siblings have a mum and other family as well as your dad who can help. And if they can’t then 🤷‍♀️

The family relationship shouldn’t be the same again. Your dad has got away with being a scumbag for years. Maybe he should now face up to the results of abandoning his first family, denigrating his first wife, depriving them of family life and financial stability, doing next to nothing to foster good relations with his second family and being too tight to support his own children from either family when they are in need. He sounds like an absolute narcissist, and OP shouldn’t pander to him and his sulk and DARVO over “breaking the family”, let alone give handouts to his grasping second family. Oh and where is their mother in all of this? What’s she going to support her needy offspring?

Are you much richer than your father? Even if you are, it seems strange that he's coveting your money for his other children.

Given how he financially abandoned his first family, I can see how you would see yourself as a unit with your two full siblings. I think it's ridiculously grabby of the other two to expect you to donate money to them, even if you have millions. They seem to take after your father.

I think it depends on how close they are, the history eg are step siblings as a result of dad cheating and going with the other woman etc. that all factors into how strong or not the relationship is especially because they probably stayed with their mother so the relationship between their mother and father after divorce all plays into it and how close they will be with the step siblings.

And looking at OPs update there doesn't seem to be a strong bind between them so she doesn't own them anything.