AIBU for not giving my half siblings the same financial help?

[EveryoneIsAsleep]

I have 2 siblings and 2 half siblings who are my dads.

I’m in a good financial situation, so 5 years ago, I gave one of my full siblings some money to help her buy a house and also for fertility treatment. I told my other full sibling that I would help her with money if and when she needed it. A few months ago she found a house she wanted to buy so I gave her the money.

My dad knows I’ve done this as my siblings told him, and since giving the latest gift, he and my half siblings are asking if I’m going to gift my half siblings the same, as they both rent and one is also wanting fertility treatment.

I get on ok with my half siblings but I don’t have the same relationship as I do with my other siblings. One of them has now stopped speaking to me and the other is piling on the pressure for me to gift them the same. They’re also trying to make me feel extra guilty for not at least paying for fertility treatment one of them who is struggling to conceive.

My dad has said it’ll ‘change the family’ if I don’t treat my half siblings the same. He ignored my text asking him what he meant by that. He has now ignored my birthday.

AIBU for not giving my half siblings the same as my full siblings?

What would you do? I feel like I should be able to spend my money however I want to. I’m mostly annoyed at my dad as my relationship with him shouldn’t depend on what I give to his other children.

Also, it appears the father may have been the one who created rough waters here. He was told by the sibling the op helped out. If it was he who then made an issue of it by telling the half siblings, he deliberately stirred up the feelings of entitlement, and subsequently making them feel they had been wronged in some way by the op.

Sounds to me like he might have a fair idea of the damage he did, but instead of feeling remorse he feels resentment because it exists.

Honestly he comes off as an arsehole. Unfortunately, it isn't uncommon for an adult to have two sets of children and think because their relationship to them all is the same, they're entitled to expect everyone around them to also fall into step.

This , Don’t be bullied

I think the main problem here is your dad who is being a complete brat demanding you provide for his second family when he didn’t provide for you. Not much “guilt” about him in practice is there?

He isn’t being accountable if he is making jokes about your mum being “perfect”.

I’m like of course he went to ground & then turned up with another family! Men!!

It's your money to do as you see fit. I give money to my DS and DSD but not to her brother. He's refused to see me, never speaks to me so we don't have a relationship.

As for your DF how dare he!

I have older half siblings, and my mum tore me a new one about saying my brother was more like a fun, young uncle.

But he left home when I was four! I hardly see him. And it wasn't any of the kids idea to have kids aged 0, 3, 12 and 14 at the same time.

A lack of a bond wasn't inevitable, but it's also understandable. I think parents are entitled to their feelings, but they should also absolutely respect the fact that their children don't have to respect those feelings and choices.

Adult siblings , half or not are in no way obliged to take care of each other financially. If you choose to gift a sibling that doesn't mean you have to gift all . And these transactions were years apart anyway . Money makes people so greedy and I am embarrassed for them .
.

Once there is any pressure or emotional blackmail like “forgetting” your birthday it is beyond reasonable.

Quite reasonable to feel sorrow if your parents can’t help you with fertility treatment, but not reasonable to blame them for it.

Not reasonable to expect anything money wise from siblings, imo. They didn’t choose to bring you into the world.

Very kind of you to help out your sibs - and agree with PP, very unfortunate that sibs revealed this to father and he told his other children. You are not a piggy bank.

Your dad is an arsehole.

YANBU at all.

We don't know how the half siblings see the family bond and relationship - all we know is the gold diggers want her money - they have NO right to demand it, even if they were full siblings.
I would be happy to be cut off by them - who wants a relationship with people who see you as an ATM

The more I think of it, the more of an absolute tool the dad sounds.
Piss off for several years, hide money from his ex to get out of fairly contributing to his children’s upbringing. Then waltz back in expecting the OP to fund his second family when he appears to have the means to do it himself, expecting that a token ‘sorry’ is going to make up for behaving so abominably, Then petulantly punishes her for having the audacity to say no when access to her bank account is denied
What a tosser!

Just be honest OP. You love your full siblings and have that connection with them. You don't love your half siblings, it's nobody's fault you just don't.

You've done nothing wrong at all.

So they just want to use you as a cash cow. I would be telling them to fuckoff.

What you are describing is, in my experience, a nice, normal, common dynamic in families where Dad goes on to have a second set of children after divorcing. Where the children of the second family are still regarded and valued as family, but he relationship is more like that with cousins than siblings because of not having grown up in the same home.

It is very sad that they are distancing themselves from you because you won't give them money.

OP, you are absolutely right that you should be able to spend or gift your money as you see fit. You were under no obligation to gift any money to your full siblings but you chose to help them. Similarly, you are under no obligation to gift any money to your half siblings and you can choose not to. Your money - your choice.

To your father you are probably all equal - all of you are his children. For you it's not quite the same, as you have described. Your father is in the wrong here, by changing his attitude towards you following your decision. Expect this may change the way your father makes decisions on inheritance.

This!! If he thinks his second family need help, he can call his bank & liquidate his “investments”, or sell a property or whatever.

What he cannot do is to try to blackmail his child from his first family whom he effectively abandoned for two years and then deprived her of money & of the presence of her mother who was forced to work two jobs.

Spend your birthday with your mother & sisters. Your mother is the parent who deserves it.

He showed you all he was a cad years ago & he doesn’t appear to have changed.

You can still feel a nice warm connection with someone without feeling obligated to give them huge sums of money! Sounds like you already give them lots by buying expensive presents and looking after their pets, hardly the actions of someone mean.

Unfortunately money brings out the worst in people, I think you will have to accept this wedge has been driven by your dad and these half-siblings are more than a little grasping driven by him. Sad, but it is what it is.

This.

If they are grabby that's on them not you. If you are generous, you don't have to be generous to everyone.

Summed up perfectly. This needs to be pinned at the top of each page of this thread.

Billy Big Balls wanted to swing his dick around having basically abandoned his first family. Shiny new babies arrived. So much more appealing to this pathetic man than the three children from his first wife. And when he did get in touch later on it was sporadic and he had no intention of encouraging a relationship between his two families. He abandoned his responsibilities to the OP , her full siblings and their mother prefering to lavish time and money on the new family. These younger half siblings are were happy to keep the OP and her full siblings at arms length until they want something. Clearly take after the feckless two faced git of a sperm donor. Time for daddy dearest to suck up the consequences of his actions.

You are not being unreasonable. I also don’t see my half siblings the same as my full siblings. Why would I?

My dc have half siblings.

they have barely met them.

me and my ExH got divorced when they were at uni and then he started a second family,

ExH barely sees them and certainly is much more interested in his new family.

their half sibs are now 1 and 2 respectively and I think my dc have seen them three times?

half sib can be very close or almost non existent.

sounds like in your case it’s almost non existent (also your dad sounds like a fool)

Hi Op, you made your decision and shouldn’t feel obligated to change it due to pressure from dad and half siblings.
you know why you have made that decision and don’t have to justify it to them.
You have explained that you and your other siblings have made more of an effort to be closer to half siblings throughout the years.
Your dad made the decision to have children in different households and made very little effort to help create a genuine bond between all of you. This is on him.
Also , the fact that dad and half siblings are being demanding only confirms that you are making the right decision.
they feel entitled to your money.
Just as an example, my dad got quite a bit of money and gave none to me or my 2 siblings and my daughter who is his only grandchild. We don’t talk about nor do we feel entitled to it. It’s his money and he can spend it how he wants if anything the fact that he was a shitty father is what we often lament when we occasionally talk about him.
he is my dad and I love him despite him being a not very good father.
Your dad “forgetting” your bday and half siblings behaving as they are is just more evidence to substantiate your decision to distance yourself from them.
Be strong and don’t be persuaded . 💪

This!

Sounds like classic misdirected anger from your father. It wouldn’t surprise me if he implied to your step siblings that there would be a windfall coming from you to them. Absolves him of having to fund them himself (even though technically of course, no one needs to fund anything.
Your step siblings maybe have accounted from this money from you, your father had to peddle back and it’s easier to blame you than himself, isn’t it. I wouldn’t be giving them anything. Whatever you do, it sounds like it won’t be enough.

Your father really sounds like dad of the year, from where I’m sitting!
But on the flip side, your mum sounds like she more than made up for his shortcomings during your life.