not to help BIL with the kids while DSis goes away for a few days?

[saynooo]

DSis and BIL have four lovely children under 8. They’re good kids but obviously four children are hard work at times. DSis wants to go away with friends for a few days and has asked me to come and stay/help because BIL says he’ll find it too much on his own.

The thing is, BIL regularly goes away on cycling holidays for a week at a time and DSis manages the children perfectly well without extra help.

When he goes away, it’s just accepted that she copes, but when she wants a few days away herself, suddenly she needs support put in place for him.

I do help out with the kids generally and love spending time with them, so this isn’t about disliking them. I just feel a bit irritated by the double standard and I’m tempted to say no this time.

Absolutely - why is she able to cope with four children whilst he goes away but when she does it, he needs a live in helper?

Has he asked you or is your sister asking? She needs to allow him to do this himself rather than enabling his feebleness.

He is never going to be able to cope if he is never given the chance of coping. Also, it might make him realise what he is asking of his wife every time he goes away.

I'd say no and tell her why.

I don't blame you. As you said, your sister manages when he goes away so he should be able to parent his children by himself. Guaranteed if you said yes you'd basically be doing everything. Leave him to it, he needs to learn to parent fast

Say no but I’ll also say he needs to learn to cope!

I would have greeted this request with hysterical laughter and cries of ‘You’re a hoot, Angela! You nearly had me there for a minute!’

The double standard is so rediculous. I think it's fine to say no so long as it doesn't stop her going, it's unfair to her if he gets to do things himself but he can't facilitate that for her. A friend and I were talking about this very thing.. her husband goes away for long periods all the time and she manages fine, but when she went away for a week (and took a child with her) offers of help to care for the other child and prepare meals flood in for the husband. Useless.

If you say no does that mean Dsis won’t go? I think you should call out the double standard to DSis in a chat between you two and see what she says.

I would be inclined to find a middle ground and say you will go over every afternoon till x time or a few hours in the morning then he can do the rest; just like she does everytime he’s away!! No staying over - otherwise you would end up doing everything!!!

Finding a middle ground is just so your dsis has a relaxing break.

I think it’s more about supporting your sister than him. If you go she will be able to relax and enjoy her time away more. Agree that he should be able to do it alone, but that’s clearly not the case here if she is asking for your support.

Depends - do they work the same hours? If so then yes of course he should be able to cope with his own children.

Huh? Even if she works part time he should still be able to look after them on his own when necessary.

Agree with @acquiescencemaybe it's just so your sister can feel more relaxed. I would offer to help depending on your availability

This would infuriate me. But it does also make me wonder who is asking and why? Because if your sister knows the only way she will get this break is if you help, I would be raising this with her as a bigger issue and a big red flag. Id also be inclined to offer only some help, certainly not moving in to take over. I guarantee that if you do that, you will he in charge with him "helping" occasionally. I wouldnt even be surprised if he went out a few times leaving you with the dc.

If you not going stops her going I'd agree.

then get a vomiting bug after she takes off

lazy twat

agree with posts that point out this could be your sister asking and he's quite happy to manage in which case o take the lazy twat comment back cheerfully 😂

Is your sister asking because otherwise she won’t be able to go?

I'd only help if not helping stopped her going.

But then, I'd fake an illness once she was gone!

Don't have four children if you can't cope.
They can pay for help.
I wouldn't do it.

She will feel better about going if she knows I am there to help with the DC and keep the house from being in a horrific tip for when she returns.

But that’s her decision, and a ridiculous one.

I’d tell her that you’ll be on hand if there’s an emergency but apart from that dh should be able to cope.

OP, you might very well be creating a rod for your own back by agreeing. I feel for Sis but goodness me.

Could you, possibly, just go the day before she returns @saynooo?

He would still look after his children and you'd be able to restore some order to an erstwhile trashed house 😉

When he goes away does she manage to cope alone without the house being 'a horrific tip'? Why can't he just do what she does, sounds like he needs more practice at being a functioning adult.

Seriously?

You're suggesting that the OP goes and tidies their house so he doesn't have to?

it is utterly pathetic that a father needs help to look after his own children given the mother manages it all the time without a word.

does she realise this?

can you support her with what she wants to do given she’s unfortunately had 4 children with a pathetic bloke?

Maybe she’d feel better not being married to a useless fucker?

Or had considered the implications of having 4 children with one?

I’d not be enabling either of them frankly. He needs to be a bloody parent and show her some respect by keeping the house in a reasonable state.

She needs to raise her expectations rather than outsourcing her choices to her sister.

ETA: helping in an emergency is a different matter, but that is not the case here.