not to help BIL with the kids while DSis goes away for a few days?

[saynooo]

DSis and BIL have four lovely children under 8. They’re good kids but obviously four children are hard work at times. DSis wants to go away with friends for a few days and has asked me to come and stay/help because BIL says he’ll find it too much on his own.

The thing is, BIL regularly goes away on cycling holidays for a week at a time and DSis manages the children perfectly well without extra help.

When he goes away, it’s just accepted that she copes, but when she wants a few days away herself, suddenly she needs support put in place for him.

I do help out with the kids generally and love spending time with them, so this isn’t about disliking them. I just feel a bit irritated by the double standard and I’m tempted to say no this time.

Then she is enabling her DH being a lazy arse and not parenting the 4 kids he and she chose to gave. I’d decline.

My DD has got 4 kids and her DH probably does more than she does in terms of childcare and housework as she's doing a degree. I bet he barely lifts a finger to help her if she's that worried.

Perfect!

I wouldn't enable him to be a shitty partner and parent by being her backup nanny and maid. If she doesn't like how her husband doesn't carry his weight as a parent and in the household, that's for her to do something about, not use your time and work to prop him. Fuck that.

How are supposed to do this, take a break from your life to serve her husband for the time she's gone? She wants to use you as a servant.

Her request is way out of line and really weird.

I’d reply, ‘LOL, no, don’t be daft. He’s a grown man. You manage perfectly well when he goes away. What on earth makes you think he can’t?’

I think it’s insulting to men to treat them like they’re inept idiots. Most of them manage to hold down reasonably responsible jobs. Looking after their own children should not pose any difficulty beyond their mother’s sole parenting experiences.

Say you will be available in an emergency n he can call you..then you tell him if he does well she manages thats not an emergency, unless it is one

He needs to learn by PLANNING. Don’t make him a list. If he can’t even manage to come up with a list of things to do, he’s absolutely useless.

He needs to learn how to look after his four children on his own. It'll be a good learning and bonding experience for him.

If he can't cope then he needs to be the one seeking help. Maybe ask his Dad or brother?

What she’s asking is, ‘Come and live in my house for a week while I’m not there to cook and clean for five people including a grown adult man’. No chance in hell would I facilitate that nonsense.

Wow!

I have four children under age six. My husband doesn’t work away but does work long hours so I am largely on my own with them. I’m confident if he needed to go away I would be able to handle things on my own.

If I did need to go away and leave my husband in charge I would be feeling anxious. He’s a very hands on dad and I’m confident he would cope so I would try hard to let go of my anxiety. I would try to put some effort into making sure he knew what he needed to do so he didn’t drop critical balls that are normally my responsibility. Same as I would hand over properly to a colleague at work who was covering for me.

As to whether you should offer to help I think that depends on:

-Is he taking time off work while your sister is away?
-How involved is he usually? If he is pretty hands on then he will probably be able to muddle through. If he’s never changed a nappy then it’s a very different situation.
-Are any of the children at school/nursery? Or are they all going to be home 24/7?
-If so is it possible for him to handle the logistics solo? I assume so if your sister manages but if he can’t drive or something then offering to help would be invaluable.
-How much do you normally see your nieces/nephews? Especially when your sister is on her own with them?
-How long is she going for? If it’s two nights that’s quite different from two weeks.

If you were going to offer to help at all I would probably suggest offering to take some of them to the park or similar on the day your sister is coming back so that he can make sure house is clean for her arrival and he can have a short mental break from being “on” all the time before she comes home. The kids will have had a chance to burn off some energy and be able to welcome your sister home to a clean tidy house with children who aren’t bouncing off the walls!

Do you know what I would straight up ask him why it was okay for him to go away on cycling trips and your sister has no help, but when she goes away he needs a housemaid and a baby sitter?

Why can’t he look after the children and clean the house like she does?

It won’t make you popular (MIL asked SILs husband the same thing, and now she is the devil), but it might embarrass him enough to realise that he’s being a massive twat.

Is it the first time she's been away since having the fourth DC? If so, I can imagine she's a bit worried - hopefully needlessly so.

Unless there is genuine need to help, eg childcare DSis usually does that DBil can't cover, I would be inclined to say no, or maybe limit it to eg taking the kids out for one activity or similar. Don't get involved in coming over and helping for unspecified periods - you really shouldn't have to pitch in with stuff like housework.

If the main worry is a messy house on return, that's really not the end of the world, and I think that's for the couple to work out between them.

I wouldn't lift a finger.

He needs to pull his weight ... and that includes taking care of his own children and home when his wife is doing what he does regularly: taking time for himself with friends. And if she comes home to find the house a tip, she should tell him firmly she has never done that to him, and she won't be cleaning it.

Oh and after going and staying, doing diddly squat but playing and having fun with the children (to appease sis) not lifting a finger, id then say to the husband on the last day

Well you better tidy up as your wife will be furious with you if the house is a mess, it never is when you get back from cycle camp. You don't want her thinking you're totally incompetent and a loser

No one loves "coping" but everyone does. He can, he just needs to be left to it.

You’ve ended this paragraph by saying he needs to learn by doing it but started the paragraph saying how the OP should write out a detailed plan of his use of time for him which is completely contradicting the statement of saying he needs to learn by doing it himself.

Im sure this man child has a job at which he has to think independently and take responsibility for something or someone and I’m also sure this man child copes perfectly fine when it comes to planning one of his many cycling trips.

It’s funny how he only becomes a useless human being when it comes to caring for his own offspring and home. It’s called weaponised incompetence. He doesn’t want to be responsible for looking after his kids or home so if he does a lazy and bad job of it he knows he won’t be asked in future. It doesn’t meant he isn’t capable.

Weaponised incompetence. He can be left to cope just fine, but he doesn't want to so he'll make a crap job of it and your sister will be left to deal with the fall out.

Not your problem. He needs to be house / life / adult trained.

This. All. Of. This.

Agree entirely. He doesn’t mind going off on his own (whereas his wife clearly does have concerns), so I suspect it would wash over him.

What, no time away from your kids at all until they are adults?? 🤣🤣 hilarious. Both parents present at all times to hang out with the kids? Is that really what you do? How old are your DC out of interest?

Why doesn't she hire a nanny for the time she's gone and a cleaner for right before she gets back?

She seems awfully entitled to your hard work on top of your own life.

well no because he would guilt her back

I just said do him a list. 'pick up all the stuff on the floor and put it away. Look at the floor, if there is something on it that's not furniture pick it up and put it away. If there is something on the kitchen bench put it away. Wipe the bench. Wipe the sink. Vacuum the carpet in these rooms. Clean the toilet.'
I wouldn't do it for him either.