not to help BIL with the kids while DSis goes away for a few days?

[saynooo]

DSis and BIL have four lovely children under 8. They’re good kids but obviously four children are hard work at times. DSis wants to go away with friends for a few days and has asked me to come and stay/help because BIL says he’ll find it too much on his own.

The thing is, BIL regularly goes away on cycling holidays for a week at a time and DSis manages the children perfectly well without extra help.

When he goes away, it’s just accepted that she copes, but when she wants a few days away herself, suddenly she needs support put in place for him.

I do help out with the kids generally and love spending time with them, so this isn’t about disliking them. I just feel a bit irritated by the double standard and I’m tempted to say no this time.

Your sister should be embarrassed to be married to such an incompetent wet blanket of a man and he should embarrassed of himself for having to ask for a woman’s help to parent his own children.

Hell no, they should both be embarrassed. Unless they children have additional needs or disabilities. He isn't going to get any better at coping alone if you're babysitting him. He can get organised before she goes, get a food shop done and freeze some dinners, practise looking after his own bloody children whilst she's there. They're both being pathetic.

Hopefully the grandparents in all this have already said not a chance in hell and he can parent his own kids and clean his own house.

@mindutopia Your DH …doesn’t call up the nearest woman and offload the parenting to her.

OPs DH hasn’t even done that, he’s even offloaded that to his bloody wife 🤣

DSis wants to go away with friends for a few days and has asked me to come and stay/help because BIL says he’ll find it too much on his own

There are two options here. 1/ BIL is utterly incompetent; and 2/ BIL is competent but just wants to skive off or laze around and have someone else do it.

Either option, I would go. I would do nothing but ‘direct’ if and as needed. So essentially, my time would be spent on the lounge, with a book, giving BIL pointers/helpful advice/instruction whenever he asked for help. That would be my help. It would send a strong message. If he asks ‘what’s the point of you being here’, just respond ‘you said you can’t do it, I’m here to tell you how to do it, so that you can do it, it won’t help you with your problem if I do it for you’.

If he dares to indicate he is going out to the pub/football/gym, say ‘no, that won’t work, I mean when you go away SIL doesn’t go out because that just doesn’t work, how do you think it works in this situation, I’m here to help point stuff like this out as you have said you need that assistance’.

I would have it sorted for SIL return. One man, either now competent, or understanding he can’t be a lazy shirker.

I’d say yes so that she feels ok about going away, then once she is safely away there would be an urgent matter that I’d have to attend to and I’d tell BIL that I’d be back later. Then leave him to it and go back in time to make sure he’d cleared up before she got back.

Why have children and then bugger off on a cycling holiday or holiday with friends? Do they not realise the children will leave at 18 and they only have this wonderful very limited time to spend with them? Baffling.

Eh? Why would any woman have to? Does his dick get in the way of him asking for help? He’s the one who can’t adult.

Exactly. His penis gets in the way of childcare. We should pity him.

It also prevents him doing housework.

18???? They are around for a lifetime.

And assume BiL will be telling all and sundry that he is having to babysit the kids while his wife is away enjoying herself.

Reminds me of an occasion many years ago when I told my neighbour I was going away for a few days without my husband, “Ooh don’t worry love I’ll make sure he’s eating, I’ll take him a hot dinner round every night”!! Where was my hot dinner when he went away?! He was a perfectly capable cook but she was old school 😂

I once knew an incredible woman through work. She was the director of a huge company, very young and disciplined. I always assumed put her career before kids and was the best example of what you can achieve if you decide to stay childless. However at one event, I was gobsmacked to realise she had 4 kids, all young and school aged. Her husband manages all of them perfectly fine by himself!

There's a Man who has it all post in this thread. Sarah asked her sister's husband to come and help her with the kids when her own husband has gone away because she couldn't cope alone without the house ending up a tip.

Wouldn't happen of course.

She needs to go and leave him to it. If the house is 'a horrific tip' when she returns, she should walk right out again and not come back until he's sorted it.

Say no but be available for genuine emergencies. We can't keep enabling men to be this lazy/useless.

I’ve heard men saying they’re ‘babysitting’ because their partner is out doing xyz.
When does a woman EVER describe caring for her own children as ‘babysitting’?
However, posting all these principles and beliefs are not much help to the OP.
I think the middle ground is probably best.

BIL needs to see exactly how much work is involved in managing work, children and the home for several days, so that he understands the impact of his jaunts.

Absolutely no reason for you to be a skivvy for a lazy man.

I’d make an offer to your sister that you’ll help her take the kids out for the day when she returns, so that BIL has time to tidy up the house.

I think that is the point @arethereanyleftatall was making.

It's tough for your sister perhaps but why is she/you/he accepting BiL is incapable? It's time he learned to be better.

Don’t go. The number of times I’ve seen this happen is crazy. I went away for a weekend break some months ago and everyone else took their kids to their grandma and their other female friends. Like can’t the men look after their kids for 2 nights? For someone, the ‘kids’ were 10 and 12.
Maybe because DH and I have no family in this country and when any one of us goes for solo things, the default is the other parent so that’s normal for us but what. Please don’t agree to this otherwise you won’t be able to stop this nonsense. You’ll be the default help now

If he can't look after 4 children on his own, he shouldn't have made 4 children.
Ask him how do you think she copes when he goes away? Nobody comes to her rescue why should they come to his.

Not everyone enjoys parenting or wants to fully sacrifice decades of their life to being a martyr.

Because when you have children you don’t have to lose your identity as an individual person.

Parents are more than just being a mum or dad, they are a friend, sister, wife and an individual.

You do not have to give up your whole life just because you’ve had a child and you have such an unhealthy way of thinking because one day those children will leave and you will be sat in silence staring at the four walls around you not knowing who you are or what you enjoy because you’ve given up your whole identity for your children.

If you don’t take the time to nurture other relationships in your life your marriage will crumble and friends will move on.
Every parent deserves the time to be an individual and enjoy hobbies and time alone or with people other than their children.

You know you're not being unreasonable and you know Mumsnet will agree OP.

Has anyone in your real life said you might be?

"Not everyone enjoys parenting" - and proceeds to have 4 children?
"Sacrifice decades" - very strange idea of sacrifice - sacrifice is the utmost act of self-negation - for a parent to spend time with the children being the utmost act of self-negation? Love MN!!!!!

If this is a disaster waiting to happen then you need to let it unfold in its own way. If your sister comes home to hungry or dirty children, a messy house or whatever, she needs to face this and face up to the fact he needs to shape up or ship out (I think that’s the phrase). Why delay the inevitable?

Maybe he fucks it up and it breaks their marriage? Better now than after ten more years of frustration.

Maybe he copes really well because he has no other choice.

Maybe it’s such a hell hole to arrive back to that she turns round and comes to stay with you for a few days.

What would he do if she dropped dead? This happens, to real people. So what would he do? Women learn this stuff as they go along, he can also learn as he goes along.

If you’re feeling particularly generous, be responsive to him phoning. If not, that’s also fine.

And he goes away for week long cycling holidays? She needs to let him do this way more often. Even if she spends the week in a Wolverhampton B&B (Wolverhampton has many attractions, plus you’ve got Birmingham IKEA close by).