not to help BIL with the kids while DSis goes away for a few days?

[saynooo]

DSis and BIL have four lovely children under 8. They’re good kids but obviously four children are hard work at times. DSis wants to go away with friends for a few days and has asked me to come and stay/help because BIL says he’ll find it too much on his own.

The thing is, BIL regularly goes away on cycling holidays for a week at a time and DSis manages the children perfectly well without extra help.

When he goes away, it’s just accepted that she copes, but when she wants a few days away herself, suddenly she needs support put in place for him.

I do help out with the kids generally and love spending time with them, so this isn’t about disliking them. I just feel a bit irritated by the double standard and I’m tempted to say no this time.

Ridiculous.

Unless it's a year long holiday, there's no harm at all in going on holiday with friends.

How rude of your sister to assume youve for nothing going on in your life where youve got several days to give up. Id tell her no. Let het husband be a dad.

So, by your own argument, why can’t the father do it?

Say no but be prepared to be blamed for her not being able to go…

Why on earth have that many kids with someone who cant cope with that many kids?

And why on earth agree to having thst many if you cant cope

This is a difficult one because you want to help your sister and ensure she has a nice break, but also your sister is being a mug. I suppose ultimately that's between them. Id agree but whilst there do the bear minimum.

He should totally be able to manage the kids on his own, I agree with you, however if your sister has asked and it will give her peace of mind so she can enjoy her trip I’d probably help.

@saynooo

Say yes so your sister goes and gets a break.
Make a vague itinerary for DBIL (d for dickhead)
Cinema on day....
Soft play / splash park another etc.

On day one of the event itself you unfortunately have terrible D&V so you cant come round as a. You are sick and b. Youll infect them.

He needs to learn by doing.

Does your sister not trust her hubby alone with the children? Because I can't see a genuine reason why he cannot cope. His kids, he has to! I would say no.

Absolutely a NO!
Facilitating useless men
Nope

Not my argument - my argument is enjoy your time with the kids, both mum and dad!

Agree with other responses, don't facilitate the double standards. Although I strongly endorse the taking the kids out for the afternoon before your DSis returns for him to do a tidy and clean up, should mean he can't wriggle out of that one. AND MAKE SURE YOU TELL HIM THAT'S WHY YOU ARE TAKING THEM, preferably in a joint message to both of them.

Not possible for me; I’m a totally lone parent. I’m just trying to point out your very rigid thinking.

i think that was the point of the question.

I'd probably say yeah but then spend the whole week making it so clear how shit of a dad he is. I'd just tell him everything that needs doing. When he's complaining how hard it is Remind him that his wife keeps the house clean while alone with 4 kids so he surely can. "She's better at it than me" "she's a better parent than you? Wow I hope she knows how much you appreciate everything she does!"

I also like @Ophy83 idea of having the kids for a few hours so he can clean up before she gets home.

Quite frankly. He's clearly pathetic. But she did choose to have 4 kids with him. You didn't. But then you could have a fun few days showing him how useless he is and how lucky he is to have her.

Well, either he needs to look after the children and house in exactly the same way that she does when he's away or he needs to stop going away, doesn't he? I can appreciate that single handedly looking after four under-eights for several days is a lot of hard work, which is one of the reasons I didn't have four under eights! He can't expect her to do it if he's not prepared to, what's good for the goose and all that...

Could not agree more!

I marvel at scenarios like this. There was a thread a while ago about “hero men” who go on a brave cycling tour or similar (sometimes collecting sponsorships for in my view, is more about a jolly wi their mates), for weeks, whilst the wife is the real heroine holding the fort at home, working, keeping house AND looking after the kids. Kiddult men.

But, OP, as much as you love your sister, her problem and his problem, must not become your problem.

I would literally tell her “no, it’s time he learned what she has to manage when he goes off on a cycling jolly. And if the house is a mess, he better pay for a cleaner to help him before she gets home - but it’s about time he learned to pull his weight”.

Sounds like your sister carries him quite a bit - not your job to do it though.

Do you really think he'll care? Of course he won't.

It^ doesn’t sound good. He needs to learn to manage and she needs to lower her expectations a bit this time.
I used to pop in to my sister’s if she was working late etc but BIL was not a good reliable dad, they divorced when DN was about 9.
If your BIL is not used to have them all on his own I will cut him some slack this time. Could you offer to take out one of them somewhere as one to one special time with you? Just to make numbers smaller 🙂 But only if it’s fitting with your plans and I would book something for a certain time so you are not bribed etc to stay the whole day to do washing/ cooking. I also wouldn’t move to them for the weekend as a childcare.

I remember being in hospital after having our youngest (of 4) and my mum having had the older 3 whilst I gave birth said to my hubby she could keep them whilst I was in hospital as he might not be able to cope being a man on his own with 3 kids. He laughed gathered up the kids and took them home. He told me afterwards he was actually a bit offended that someone thought just because he is a man he couldn’t look after his own kids.

I would contact BiL and tell him to Dad up and be a proper parent. He should be able to look after his own kids.

I think this is a bit harsh towards the OP's sister. I completely agree with everyone who's said this situation is completely unacceptable and the BIL is a useless cockwomble, as another poster put it. But...it's really hard being married to one of those - you can't force a grown man to actually act like an adult and sometimes you are completely broken and need a break, but also need your child(ren) to be safe. So you ask someone responsible to step in. I've no idea why the sister is still with this guy; perhaps he has other qualities or she's simply biding her time until the children are older. Ex was (and remains) similarly useless, so I do empathise with the SIL a lot.

OP, whilst my first instinct was to suggest you decline because BIL needs to learn to actually be a parent; I think I would help if your sister really needs a break and wouldn't actually get it if she was worried about the kids the whole time.

Oh ffs, why are men allowed to be so fkn useless! His kids, his responsibility.

Fucks sake, I hate men like this.

My dh doesn’t bat an eye lid at me going away because he’s a functioning adult and a parent.

He wouldn’t be doing anything different if I was away than when I’m at home, he still cooks, cleans, spends time with his own children when I am here. It’s no different if I’m not. I never have to leave instructions or worry about coming home to a tip, he’s a grown up.

My SILs husband is a useless tosser. Everytime she’s away, the kids go to his mums - and the stupid bastard goes there for his meals too, as he can’t be expected to feed himself as a 40 year old man.

My MIL refuses to look after them as quite rightly, she doesn’t understand why he can’t look after his own children (and himself!) for a few days.

I have an adult son and I’d laugh in his face to be honest, but thankfully, I’m pretty sure I’ve not brought him up to be a dickhead.

Is that what you want for your children if they have kids? Spending 18 years doing nothing for themselves, having no hobbies, and no friends?