To be shocked by swearing in front of kids and wife

[shockedwifeanim]

I’m from a different culture to my husband, and I genuinely don’t know if this is just a British cultural difference or whether other people would also find it inappropriate.

Where I grew up, men simply did not swear in front of women or children. Men might swear privately with male friends, but if a child or woman entered the room, the language would immediately stop. Even teenage boys would correct each other if younger siblings were around.

My husband is British, and over time he’s become much more casual with swearing at home. Things like:
“I had a shit day”
“My fucking belt broke”
etc.

He also occasionally says things like “you little shit” or “piss off” to our pre-school daughter in a joking/annoyed way.

What shocks me isn’t even the words themselves, adults swear where I’m from too, it’s the fact it’s done so casually around children and family. I’ve also never heard my parents raise their voices at each other, whereas he can at our daughter (if she’s done something wrong, won’t get ready fast enough, broke something) or me (in an argument) so the whole atmosphere feels very harsh to me when he is in argument mode.

Before anyone asks why I married him: when we were dating/engaged he genuinely did not speak like this around me. I think once we got married and he became comfortable, his normal way of speaking came out more.

He thinks I’m overly sensitive and that this is just normal British behaviour. I find it coarse and honestly quite shocking every time I hear it. It’s never abusive and he’ll apologise the next day but it just seems so bizzare and striking to me whenever I hear it.

Am I being unreasonable?

Not to me tbh

I dont call dd a little shit, to be clear but it doesnt bother me that other parents call their kids that

Its more cultural - some working class communities use the phrase

I swear though myself 🤷‍♀️

lol. Exactly my response: what?
but tbh I think the explanation would probably be very cringeworthy!

I don’t like swearing at all, but I’m
old!
Im very uncomfortable in a social setting when I can hear people (men) using a swear word in virtually every sentence “yeah I fuckin told him
and then he fuckin did this….”
adds nothing at all. I particularly don’t like it when children are around and if I have my grandchildren with me will call them out and they are usually apologetic and stop it.
Swearing AT your little daughter is dreadful and he needs to stop that.
Do his family swear like this?
Does he swear in front of his mum/dad/grandparents?
Apart from being totally vile you will find her using the same language and this won’t be acceptable at preschool and school.
Im sure you don’t want your children to swear around you either!

I think you're asking the wrong question. It doesn't matter whether it's culturally acceptable to swear, what matters is what you want and need from a relationship. It sounds like your DH has become nasty and aggressive and you're struggling with that. That would be a problem even if he never swore.

It honestly wouldn't bother me.

My parents would tell me to piss off, but it was always on a jokey and affectionate way, not in anger or frustration. It's a cultural thing, doesn't upset me in the slightest.

This

From (one) British woman's perspective:

Swearing between adults of any gender - fine depending on relationship. I swear like a trooper with DP and friends, but I am still shocked if someone uses a swear word at work even though we're all adults!

Swearing around a child - it happens, and it prompts a conversation with the child around swearing and acceptability

Swearing AT a child - never OK in my book

I'm a woman, and I swear. I even swore around my children once they were teenagers and around other women. But I've never sworn AT my children in a harsh manner. Now they are adults I do occasionally call them a cockwomble or dipshit, or tell them to piss off but only ever in a very affectionate way and usually whilst hugging them or ruffling their hair.

Swear words are just words. They are part of language and can massively enhance it. Far more important than specific words is the tone that someone uses

It's very normal here, women swear as much as men. Swearing in front of children is quite common but children are not usually allowed to swear and most people do not swear AT children.

If you are living in Britain, I think you need to adapt to the culture you are living in rather than expect them to adapt for you.

There’s a difference between general swearing (“I’ve had a shit day”) and swearing AT someone (“piss off”). The former is obviously not suitable in professional situations but generally fine in front of adults, whether they’re men or women. That type of swearing isn’t the end of the world if it slips out in front of a child but obviously isn’t ideal and people try to avoid it, mainly because small children have an uncanny knack of picking up exactly the words you don’t want them to repeat.

Swearing AT someone is aggressive and horrible, and absolutely not acceptable to do to a child.

Exactly what I was thinking - don’t be suprised if you get an 11 year old telling you to fuck off etc and others judging this

Swearing in front of kids or people that you know are not comfortable with it is obnoxious and skanky. I swear but I chose to do it when I know it’s ok. My lovely neices are in their 20s and casually swear all the times. Fucking this and fucking that even in front of my parents who never swear. Neither me not my parents really care but I feel sorry for them as I feel they must be a bit thick not to know how they come across. They are lovely girls otherwise.

Years ago men would get called out for swearing in front of a woman but I haven't heard anyone do that for years, which pleases me as I used to find it very sexist and unnecessary.
I am a massive potty mouth and love using fuck but I do not do it in front of children. It annoys me the most when parents swear in front of their children and then tell them they can't swear.
I don't find swearing offensive unless someone is being abusive to someone else.

I would never swear at my child and I still don't swear casually in front of him (he's 12) although he probably hears it all day at school. I think it's important to be able to speak appropriately when required (professionally or around children) so it's not good to make swearing an unthinking habit.
However, the one thing I think is very different in the UK from your culture is swearing around women. Most women here would rather be spoken to like the men than like children. It can sometimes be infantilising to treat 'women and children' as one category.

It can put some women's backs up when men apologise for the language (especially if it's actually quite mild) as it's one of those fine lines between being respectful but not treating women like they are weak or fragile.

It's not a British thing. I lived in a country where parents regularly called their children the equivalent of cunt. It was shocking to me.

Some people swear regardless of who they're with, but just as many don't.

He thinks I’m overly sensitive and that this is just normal British behaviour. I find it coarse and honestly quite shocking every time I hear it. It’s never abusive and he’ll apologise the next day but it just seems so bizzare and striking to me whenever I hear it

Growing up in a Northern mining town in an area due for slum clearance in the 60s/70s, i.e., rough as old boots, you would never have heard an adult man swearing, (unless they were unaware of your presence occasionally and would apologise profusely). Anybody using foul language in front of women or children (and possibly other men, depending on the situation) would have been challenged by their peers to watch their mouths.

Now fuck is every other word amongst groups of kids and adults in pubs and on the streets and nobody dares challenge in case they have a knife.
It's a lack of vocabulary as much as manners.
I realise the irony in my username, but I sometimes do use profanities myself depending how hard I've stubbed my toe. I think everybody says fuck when they stub their toe. Even miners in the 70s

Parents are the first models of behaviour for children. When children hear swearing at home, when it is part of casual conversation, they pick up on this and talk like that at school. This is what we see and hear in primary school with some children using these words from a very young age (5). When children get annoyed or angry at school they will use swear words and sometimes aim it at other children or adults (we have children who do this on a weekly basis).

Language does matter. Your choice in how you express yourself matters.

As staff, we do not swear around children at all. I don’t feel any parent would find that acceptable in a classroom, even if said in jest or out of frustration and not aimed at anyone.

It's not a cultural thing. It's getting so boring having constant negative generalisations of the British culture, is it really necessary to have these daily threads? It could possibly be argued that it's a generational thing. But there are plenty of British people of a range of ages, gender and background who don't swear at all, and also those who do swear but in a way that isn't personally offensive to anyone.

I've heard parents screaming at their kids - with every other word a swear word - demanding to know why they (the kids) think it's acceptable to use that language when speaking to them (the parents) or others.

It would be comically absurd if it weren't so abusive.

Absolutely not to swear at pre school or any child. It’s abusive and then when she/ he swears at nursery teacher you will get called in. Sadly men often swear as though it’s macho. Also football crowds often swear. No need to swear.

I swear in front of my children, I’ve sworn in front of work colleagues , in front of my boss and occasionally in front of my mum (I’ve even heard my mum occasionally say the word shit.

as in I’ll say of for fuck sake, or that’s shit, I wouldn’t say fuck you or fuck off to someone as that’s rude but other than that They are just words.

Tell my husband. When I was pregnant he told a bloke off for swearing in front of me!

I’d have felt so embarrassed

Also, people should know that, if you instinctively use swearing as punctuation and as a random unnecesary adjective every other word... and especially as a pause whilst you collect your thoughts in place of 'errrm' or similar, or even just a moment's silence - regardless of the situation or whom you are speaking to, be it friend at the pub or job interviewer, you will automatically mark yourself out as supremely thick to anybody in earshot - unless you maybe suffer from Tourette's and have the opportunity to inform people who hear you of that.

TBH, I say something to DH if he uses the F word in front of me. I expect my DC (adults) also use it, but not in front of me, as they know I hate it.