AIBU to think DH regrets opening our marriage now I enjoy it?

[RosePoett]

AIBU to think DH wants to close our open relationship because I turned out to enjoy it too?

DH (44) and I (43) have been together 16 years and we have 2 boys (secondary school age). Like a lot of couples at this stage of life, we’d fallen into more of a “co-parenting/house admin” relationship for a while and sex had become fairly routine not spontaneous.

About a year ago DH brought up the idea of opening the relationship. It wasn’t out of nowhere exactly we’d talked over the years about attraction not magically disappearing because you’re married/in a long-term relationship etc but I was still pretty shocked when he suggested actually doing something about it.

To be fair to him, he didn’t pressure me and we spent time talking about boundaries, honesty, safe sex, not bringing people back to the family home, not introducing anyone to the children etc. Eventually I agreed because part of me thought maybe it would either reignite things between us or at least make us both feel less stuck in middle age.

For context, DH is objectively attractive. charming, very sociable, looks younger than he is. Women have always liked him and he’s never lacked confidence in that department. He has been seeing other people and has had plenty of interest, so this is NOT a case of him sitting at home unable to “pull”.

What neither of us expected (including me) was that I’d also get attention. Quite a lot actually. I’m not talking about dozen of men throwing themselves at me, but enough that it genuinely surprised me after years of school runs, work,feeling invisible etc.

I’ve gone on dates, had fun, felt attractive again for the first time in years and honestly it’s massively boosted my confidence. And weirdly, it improved things between DH and me for a while too because we were communicating more and making more effort with each other.

But over the last few months his attitude has changed. He asks more questions, gets funny if I’m messaging someone, makes comments about me “always being on my phone”, and now has announced that he wants to close the relationship completely because he thinks it’s “damaging our marriage”. He says he’d like for us to keep our marriage.

I do understand people are allowed to change their minds. If one person is deeply unhappy then obviously that matters. But I can’t shake the feeling that the reality has bruised his ego a bit.

When he imagined himself sleeping with other women while I maybe dabbled occasionally, the whole thing felt exciting and ‘progressive’Now I’m enjoying myself too and realising I’m apparently still attractive to other men at 43, suddenly it’s become a problem.

I haven’t broken any boundaries, lied, hidden things or prioritised anyone over family life.

AIBU to think this is less about “protecting the marriage” and more about DH struggling with the fact his wife is desired by other men too?

He asks more questions, gets funny if I’m messaging someone, makes comments about me “always being on my phone”

It's all well and good having an open marriage, but I think what you have to remember is you are still married, and from your original post you seem to not separate the two.

Surely when you're in your DH's company you should be present and shouldn't be on your phone messaging other men.

Why would OP want to limit her options like that? She has much more pulling power than her H.

OP you sound very passive. You have mentioned that he is very good looking, charming etc… do you feel he is too good for you?

The bit that stands out to me is the fact that he ( and you ) thought that no men would be interested in you. Basically he thinks that you are not attractive/desirable to any other man….. which shows how he really feels about you!

Based on the above- he asked you if you would open the marriage with the intention that he could fuck whoever he wanted with no strings while expecting you to not meet any men - so effectively cheating with permission….

It’s now backfired on him because you are also having sex with men and he’s jealous- the comments about you ‘messaging all the time ‘ is classic gaslighting.

I didn’t come here for judgement. I’m not sure why there’s so much judgment.

Even before this I never thought to discuss my sex life (with their father) with my children. I just didn’t think that was something that mattered. Maybe I’m parenting wrong.

I’d like to stay married I love my husband I didn’t come here for judgment I just came here for a bit of perspective. Open marriages aren’t for everyone I’m not advocating for it

This is quite often the way these things go - I've seen in written about in polyam specific places online for years - usually the man wants an open relationship and is then surprised by his feelings when his partner finds other lovers more quickly and enjoys being in the open relationship.

Mumsnet isn't the best place for advice on this topic as most posters here are (hard wired) monogamous.

It's absolutely not as simple as just closing the relationship - you have connections with real live other people who shouldn't be thrown away because your husband is finding it hard. People aren't disposable. Agreeing to not start relationships with any more new people for a while is reasonable. Arranging 'date nights' with your husband and ensuring he gets some of your attention whilst you're full of New Relationship Energy is reasonable.

You could try:

• Finding yourselves a therapist who is culturally competent in ethical non-monogamy. Pink Therapy is a good place to start looking.

• Encouraging your husband to use some of the tools for working through jealousy - good authors to look at include: Dossier Easton / Janet Hardy / Eve Rickert - if you look for those names you'll find your way to other authors. There are other resources in non book form like podcasts if you get on better with listening.

• More reading and thinking about what shape of relationship works best for you - there are so many variations in ways people do polyamory.

• Find polyamory communities - Facebook has some links / Meetup has others and there's a new UK polyamory association that might have national lists but Google your local area and polyamory to see what's around. Talking to other polyamorous people in person / online may help you both.

• Divorce - this is often the result when one person wants to close a previously open relationship. Sometimes the initial request to open the relationship isn't really made in the expectation of it being accepted but as a way of not asking to divorce. Do you two fit together better as co-parents/friends/housemates than as lovers?

He massively overestimated the interest he would get and massively underestimated yours.

I grew up in a house like this. I guarantee you your children know more them you think.

I agree with both of you. What were the two of you thinking?

Both of you lifted the lid on Pandora's box and only you two know if it can be successfully closed again. I think it will be difficult, perhaps mainly for you, as you will always know that 'opening' the marriage was his bright idea and he only now wants to revert to the status quo because he isn't having the good time he imagined.

He can't truly have thought it's difficult for women to get laid. I think it's more he thought you wouldn't be interested, or he just didn't think of that side of it at all.

Why does his reason for wanting to end the open marriage experiment matter? It doesn’t work for him.

The only question you need to ask yourself is if you want to stay married.

You seem to have no real complaints beyond the normal middle age slump that comes with the exhaustion of aging mixed with parenting. Your children will be launching and you will have time to focus on yourselves in a few years.

I didn’t come on here to be judged. I do understand it’s not the norm I was just looking for some perspectives. I did not tell my children about my sex life before with this dad not sure why I would now ?
I have not abandoned my children or my hobbies or friends. I haven’t missed any of my children’s milestones, activities or plans to go ‘shag’ someone.

DH is getting attention I don’t think it’s all an attention thing, maybe he didn’t realise how he’d feel it’s one of those where maybe we’ve made a mistake. I was open minded.

totally agree.

There’s no such thing as an “open marriage” IMO. It’s just agreeing to sleep in the same house while shagging around with impunity. Totally cheap. It’s the children I feel sorry for. Don’t think they don’t know.

Once people start agreeing to shag around the relationship is over IMO, he’s just another fuckbuddy like the rest.

I also don’t believe that this was a shock, if you weren’t sure or were agreeing to keep him you wouldn’t have been so quick to run out and find dates. Someone only does that if they were up for it in the first place.

It’s not necessarily about telling your children, but people talk.

It only takes for the parents of one of the kids’ friends to see you out and about with someone else and then word starts to get around.

More than likely people will be thinking the both of you are having affairs rather than that you have an “open marriage,” you only have to look at MN and the amount of posters who see their friends or their friends’ husbands out with another man/woman and to put two and two together and start discussing with the friendship group.

And then someone mentions in front of the kids, because people do. I certainly went to school with kids whose parents were seen out and about with someone other than their partner, and for one of the DC to say to the other “my mum said she saw your dad out with another lady,” kids have no filter and if they overhear something they’ll repeat it without hesitation.

wtf, if you’re sitting telling your kids about your sex life you’re parenting wrong.

Do you think he'd give that attention up if you closed the marriage? Do you trust him not to cheat?

We know how he reacts to your encounters, how does he react to his own?

Unfortunately your DH has not taken into account how much a 43-year-old married woman in an open marriage is desired by men on the apps. It says you're sexually confident and are not looking for a relationship,

I would imagine you have already had several much younger men wanting a date, depending on your settings. He really has overestimated his stock value and won't be the last. I think there is definitely a way back if you can give up the benefits you are getting from the arrangements. I would imagine you will have a husband who has a greater appreciation for you and maybe will not take what he has already for granted.

I believe there are many ways to get out of a long-term relationship sex rut, and I think that you chose one of the hardest ways, as you've both found.

Best of luck

Just another example of a husband being a dick. He wanted it open now he wants it closed. Everything is always the woman's fault. Maybe if he actively engaged in his marriage did his fair share of the grunts work he wouldnt have do much time on his hands.

I’d like to stay married I love my husband I didn’t come here for judgment I just came here for a bit of perspective. Open marriages aren’t for everyone I’m not advocating for it

If this is true then you have to stop sleeping with other people and recommit to a monogamous relationship with one another.

A lot of posts in this thread seem to be coming from the position that this is some sort of gotcha for your husband- that, having suggested the idea, he now has to live with it and that that's amusing in some way. If you value your marriage, I would try very hard not to see it in those terms. You both agreed to this and you both need to remain in agreement to make it work- that means you need to be free to change your minds. He thought he could handle it but he couldn't, so you stop and work on finding a way back to one another. No shame in not being able to handle it- not many of us could- but he was a fool not to have thought all this through before making the suggestion.

It's sad that you think he had a low opinion of you but presumably he has some good qualities if you want to stay married to him.

I think men are used to their wives tbh and often stop seeing them as desired and desirable. I know DH would be really surprised if someone fancied me, tbf I’d be surprised too. I know someone who is gorgeous, just a real beauty, she’s also funny and intelligent, her husband barely notices her, I find it extraordinary.

I think he’s just realised that you are still desirable and that he runs the risk of you wandering off.

If you don’t want to close it just point out that this was what he wanted and actually you think it’s worked quite well and the marriage is fine.

I never suspected him of cheating ? I don’t see why I would accuse him of that when he hasn’t. I do trust him I’ve always trusted him.

There seems to be lots of assumptions here. I understand the open marriages aren’t the norm but everyone is different. We tried it I guess it didn’t work out I don’t expect things to just go back to normal but I don’t need to be penalised or made to feel like crap for trying something.

If you’re in a marriage where you’re happy to see your spouse shagging someone else c you should really end it.

Have you actually spoken to him about it and said the things you've said here?

In my experience, if couples who open up their marriage or have affairs, put as much effort into their primary relationship that they do in participating in the 'open' bit, then they wouldn't actually want to do it in the first place.
OP, Is it possible for you to bring all the positive things you experienced when open back into a re-closed marriage and not pine for what you have experienced, but agree now not to have or do? And trust him not to do a unilateral opening (an affair) or trust yourself, for that matter. And never have any comparison conversations or feelings.
I would say that's extraordinaryly difficult to do, even if you wanted to. But if you want to, you can only try and see how it works out.

Have you asked him what 'damage' has occured? Perhaps he could be a bit more specific?