AIBU to think DH regrets opening our marriage now I enjoy it?

[RosePoett]

AIBU to think DH wants to close our open relationship because I turned out to enjoy it too?

DH (44) and I (43) have been together 16 years and we have 2 boys (secondary school age). Like a lot of couples at this stage of life, we’d fallen into more of a “co-parenting/house admin” relationship for a while and sex had become fairly routine not spontaneous.

About a year ago DH brought up the idea of opening the relationship. It wasn’t out of nowhere exactly we’d talked over the years about attraction not magically disappearing because you’re married/in a long-term relationship etc but I was still pretty shocked when he suggested actually doing something about it.

To be fair to him, he didn’t pressure me and we spent time talking about boundaries, honesty, safe sex, not bringing people back to the family home, not introducing anyone to the children etc. Eventually I agreed because part of me thought maybe it would either reignite things between us or at least make us both feel less stuck in middle age.

For context, DH is objectively attractive. charming, very sociable, looks younger than he is. Women have always liked him and he’s never lacked confidence in that department. He has been seeing other people and has had plenty of interest, so this is NOT a case of him sitting at home unable to “pull”.

What neither of us expected (including me) was that I’d also get attention. Quite a lot actually. I’m not talking about dozen of men throwing themselves at me, but enough that it genuinely surprised me after years of school runs, work,feeling invisible etc.

I’ve gone on dates, had fun, felt attractive again for the first time in years and honestly it’s massively boosted my confidence. And weirdly, it improved things between DH and me for a while too because we were communicating more and making more effort with each other.

But over the last few months his attitude has changed. He asks more questions, gets funny if I’m messaging someone, makes comments about me “always being on my phone”, and now has announced that he wants to close the relationship completely because he thinks it’s “damaging our marriage”. He says he’d like for us to keep our marriage.

I do understand people are allowed to change their minds. If one person is deeply unhappy then obviously that matters. But I can’t shake the feeling that the reality has bruised his ego a bit.

When he imagined himself sleeping with other women while I maybe dabbled occasionally, the whole thing felt exciting and ‘progressive’Now I’m enjoying myself too and realising I’m apparently still attractive to other men at 43, suddenly it’s become a problem.

I haven’t broken any boundaries, lied, hidden things or prioritised anyone over family life.

AIBU to think this is less about “protecting the marriage” and more about DH struggling with the fact his wife is desired by other men too?

So he was also surprised people wanted you? Wow.

This is what I dont get. He opened up the marriage thinking he could have partners
but you wouldnt? Does be publicly say he thinks you are less attractive than him?

My old boss! 30 years ago had an open marriage. It was a shock to him that his wife found it much easier to find men than he did to meet women. I guess they were in their late 30s/40 and most the women he met would want a relationship though. They divorced.

To be fair I have secondary age kids and I have just taken up a new hobby as I suddenly have a bit more time.

It isn’t shagging (although I do need to shave my legs beforehand and come back tired and full of endorphins!)

I'm not into swinging but I would definitely rather go swinging where you go and leave together than open up a marriage and end up sitting twiddling my thumbs at home with a microwave meal for one when my loved one potentially falls in love with another person. I think lots of open marriage arrangements seem to be recreating early days of a relationship they already have.

I dont think it is about attractiveness as such more about value, as has been mentioned.

Over the years he has placed less value on her. She is just "there". He doesnt see her with the new eyes that others see her with, he just sees her as always there, always caring for kids or doing housework or whatever....The Wife.

Except now he is finally seeing what others see, and what he once saw in her too. He is starting to realise what he had at home all along. He has realised that he was going out for burgers when he had steak at home.

As others have said, be careful what you wish for because you might just get it, and he has.

What do you tell the children you're doing when you go off to meet these other men?

Do you seriously believe your relationship is salvageable after this?

Why would she tell them anything?! "I wont be home for dinner tonight darling, I am going out to shag someone who isnt your Dad"?

If they ask (which ime teens rarely do) "I am meeting a friend", why the fuss?

likely the same story that dad tells them.

Off out with friends. Off to the gym.

Anything where you might be missing for an hour or so. A quick shag could be done in less time than a Tesco shop.

An article on open marriage that was in the i paper

MyTrivia · 11/02/2026 21:57
Here you go..,
‘One of my favourite categories of Reddit posts is those written by heterosexual men who have pressured their partner into opening up their relationship – that is, seeing and sleeping with other people – only to realise that he has overestimated his market value on the dating scene and grossly underestimated hers.
To take one example, there is the guy who suggested he and his girlfriend of two years “maybe try opening the relationship” so they could both experience not being “tied down” to one another, only for her to start bringing men back to their shared flat within three days, while he hadn’t so much as found someone to talk to.
Then there is the husband who is asking for advice on how to close down the marriage he so desperately wanted to open up because his wife is being banged like a Salvation Army drum, while he sits at home twiddling his thumbs.
And let’s not forget the 40-year-old woman who asked the internet: “Am I the asshole for telling husband it was his choice to open our marriage and I am not closing it?” The answer to that was a resounding “no”, along with numerous links to good divorce lawyers in her area.
I take a huge amount of delight in these pitiful, yet entirely predictable, tales of woe. The arrogance and entitlement of these men is quite staggering and makes the inevitable outcome all the more enjoyable.
The story is almost always the same: a middle-aged man in a long-term relationship gets bored with his very loving and loyal wife and pressures her into “opening up” their marriage. This, they argue, wouldn’t be like cheating because they could both do it. It is perfectly obvious that the motivation here was not to invite new and exciting experiences into his wife’s life, or to grow together as a couple, but to allow him to have his erotic cake and eat it too.
He wants to have sex with other women, but still wants to play house with his wife and kids and can’t really afford a divorce. Then suddenly, like a bolt from the blue, the answer strikes him: an open marriage! That’s a thing, isn’t it? People do that, don’t they?
He then decides to pressure his wife into letting him have sex with other women by calling it “polyamory”. No one can call him an arsehole if he lets her do it too. It’s not cheating! It’s cool and edgy. His little chimp brain is consumed with fantasies of nubile young women in their twenties queuing down the street just to get a glimpse of his love tackle, but alas, it was not to be.
It turns out the 20-year-olds are busy dating other 20-year-olds and have very little interest in a 48-year-old middle manager who has to bring a CPAP machine to an overnight hookup. Who could have seen such a thing happening, right? Our flabbers are collectively ghasted.
His missus on the other hand is having an absolute whale of a time. Her phone is overflowing with hopeful messages, and her calendar is quickly filling up.
In most cases, it’s not that the husband thought his wife wouldn’t be able to find other sexual partners, it’s rather that he didn’t even consider that part of the deal. He was so focused on his own pecker that it simply didn’t occur to him that a) his partner is highly desirable; and b) most men will shag a bollard if you put a dress on it. So now he is left babysitting the kids, night after night, while she is off exploring her sexual horizons. To quote just one of these regretful husbands, she is “blossoming”.
Ha! Good. Serves you right. You had no idea what you had there. I hope your wife gets stuffed like a prize turkey at Christmas. My obvious schadenfreude aside, this does open up a very interesting question: why do men vastly overestimate their value on the dating market?
And they do, don’t they? If you have ever spent more than five minutes on dating apps as a heterosexual woman, you know good and well most men are overestimating their appeal. How else do you explain all the photos of them posing with fish and the terrible selfies, wearing t-shirts saying things like “pussy inspector?” Most men’s dating profiles are hideous, and then they whinge on about how “90 per cent of women on apps only swipe right on 10 per cent of the men.” Yes Kevin! That’s because 90 per cent of the men on there look like serial killers with an angler’s licence.
Confidence is a good thing, but overconfidence is not. Overconfidence can lead us into all manner of silly situations, both privately and professionally, and unfortunately study after study has shown that men have significantly more confidence in their own abilities and attributes than women do – often to the point of recklessness.
This is also true in the world of dating. Studies also show that men tend to rate their own attractiveness higher than women do, as well as their intelligence, and general competence. They are far more likely to think a stranger fancies them than women do. In fact, this pattern is so prevalent in research that it has been dubbed the “male hubris, female humility” effect.
So, of course men are more likely to assume that as soon as they are sexually available, horny women will swarm their house like Night of the Living Dead. The reality is quite different. Cue the tumbleweeds.
Not only have these men overestimated their stock value but, as many people do, they have also failed to appreciate the reality of an open relationship and what that really entails. This isn’t even a man thing, I see women who are considering going poly doing this all the time too. Opening up your relationship is not going to be the hot and spicy fantasy you have in your head. It’s hard work and is going to mean processing a whole heap of unpleasant feelings like jealousy and envy, not to mention anger and rejection.’
YOUR NEXT READ

His ego is probably hurt that you didn’t fancy sex with him but are happy to shag others. So it wasn’t about the sex, it was him.

You see, that would turn a lot of guys on so of course they will carry on and shag you.

Man tells woman he is in open marriage and mostly that will turn woman off!

Its very easy for women to get sex. Not so easy for men.

I suppose if he says he wants to stop them it has to stop unless you split up.

I think you could well have opened a real can of worms now though.

Didn’t see any of the men more than once or is it strictly one and move on?

I can't imagine living with myself knowing I regularly lied to my children about having sex with different men, none of whom were their father who I pretended I was happily married to

I haven’t dropped hobbies, friends, or family

I know open marriages aren’t the norm but it doesn’t mean that I’ve just stopped everything else in my life

I haven’t said that I don’t fancy sex with him ?

I guess so

What neither of us expected (including me) was that I’d also get attention.

OP, does your DH really think so little of you?

Well as several people have told you, there can be happy open marriages. Doesnt sound like this is one of them, but thats not because of the opening of the marriage, it just shone a light on issues that were already there.

As for lying to your kids about who you are having sex with....ffs really?! Its none of their business and never will be, just as if they decide to become swingers when they are older, it will be none of your business! And by your logic there are a hell of a lot of people "lying" to their kids about their sex lives, by virtue of living in a sexless marriage!

oh dear the old Pandoras box rears it head again. doing things like this is like throwing a hand grenade into a relationship

That's really sad. If be having doubts over this tbh.

Exactly this. “Open marriage” = man wants to shag around without secrecy and guilt

I haven’t missed any dinners with my children or anything like their hockey games etc. it has not affected their lives directly. It’s a can of worms we have opened but our children still remain our main prior.

As well personally I don’t tell my children about my sex life with their dad so not really sure why I should tell them about an open marriage

Maybe so

It turns out the 20-year-olds are busy dating other 20-year-olds and have very little interest in a 48-year-old middle manager who has to bring a CPAP machine to an overnight hookup.

Savage!

Would your relationship be better if you were going out swinging together rather than leaving one of you at home? Many people find it a big thrill to see their partner enjoying themselves.