AIBU to think DH regrets opening our marriage now I enjoy it?

[RosePoett]

AIBU to think DH wants to close our open relationship because I turned out to enjoy it too?

DH (44) and I (43) have been together 16 years and we have 2 boys (secondary school age). Like a lot of couples at this stage of life, we’d fallen into more of a “co-parenting/house admin” relationship for a while and sex had become fairly routine not spontaneous.

About a year ago DH brought up the idea of opening the relationship. It wasn’t out of nowhere exactly we’d talked over the years about attraction not magically disappearing because you’re married/in a long-term relationship etc but I was still pretty shocked when he suggested actually doing something about it.

To be fair to him, he didn’t pressure me and we spent time talking about boundaries, honesty, safe sex, not bringing people back to the family home, not introducing anyone to the children etc. Eventually I agreed because part of me thought maybe it would either reignite things between us or at least make us both feel less stuck in middle age.

For context, DH is objectively attractive. charming, very sociable, looks younger than he is. Women have always liked him and he’s never lacked confidence in that department. He has been seeing other people and has had plenty of interest, so this is NOT a case of him sitting at home unable to “pull”.

What neither of us expected (including me) was that I’d also get attention. Quite a lot actually. I’m not talking about dozen of men throwing themselves at me, but enough that it genuinely surprised me after years of school runs, work,feeling invisible etc.

I’ve gone on dates, had fun, felt attractive again for the first time in years and honestly it’s massively boosted my confidence. And weirdly, it improved things between DH and me for a while too because we were communicating more and making more effort with each other.

But over the last few months his attitude has changed. He asks more questions, gets funny if I’m messaging someone, makes comments about me “always being on my phone”, and now has announced that he wants to close the relationship completely because he thinks it’s “damaging our marriage”. He says he’d like for us to keep our marriage.

I do understand people are allowed to change their minds. If one person is deeply unhappy then obviously that matters. But I can’t shake the feeling that the reality has bruised his ego a bit.

When he imagined himself sleeping with other women while I maybe dabbled occasionally, the whole thing felt exciting and ‘progressive’Now I’m enjoying myself too and realising I’m apparently still attractive to other men at 43, suddenly it’s become a problem.

I haven’t broken any boundaries, lied, hidden things or prioritised anyone over family life.

AIBU to think this is less about “protecting the marriage” and more about DH struggling with the fact his wife is desired by other men too?

I don’t think they have to watch each other

Does it not feel weird having sex with him after sex with other men? And him having sex with you, after having sex with other women?

Has he said as much or are you projecting your insecurity and surprise on to him?

Surely it’s just as likely that he simply doesn’t like to see you focusing your attention on other men, and is feeling insecure about your bond together? That’s really common in polyamorous relationships (apparently).

So rather than being surprised that you’re getting attention, he’s realising that that really bothers him and makes him feel more insecure than he’d imagined it would.

Where has the OP said that her DH blames her? She hasn’t. People are just jumping to that conclusion based on the fact he’s now said that actually, he’s afraid that this is affecting their marriage and wants to close it again.

And clearly he’s not wrong, because clearly OP is loving the attention as well, and all they’ve done really is to cheapen their own relationship in the name of casual sex.

Why not just nip out to Anne Summers and buy a load of toys. Open relationships never end well, because owning up a relationship already sends the signal that the marriage is failing, if it wasn’t they wouldn’t be feeling the need to go out on dates and shag other people.

I'm not judging you at all. I do feel sorry that your own husband seems bored of you and sees you as furniture around the house. His idea of an open marriage seems incredibly one sided and he presumably enjoys his own adventures whilst resenting yours. He isn't coming across very well. I think you deserve a husband that remembers why he is with you rather than looking for excitement elsewhere and then being gutted that this goes both ways.

You will always come across people that are judgemental about these things but you shouldn’t take it to heart.

The question for you is whether you think you can carry on the relationship closed now that your husband has changed his mind. It sounds like it could have been a great reset for your relationship if things have improved!

No, I mean, having had these encounters himself, do you trust him to stay faithful again if you close the marriage, now he has some takers? I'm not accusing you of anything or insulting you.

Omg 🤣👏🏼 I like you 🤣

Blimey, so much judgement for a slightly different relationship type 🤦🏻‍♀️

@RosePoett I know you said you're happy closing the relationship again if it's not working for both of you, but I think you do need to have a proper discussion about this. Otherwise you might struggle to let go of the thought that perhaps he didn't think you'd get the attention you did. Not saying that's the case, but it sounds like you can be open (lol) and honest with each other.

So what does he think you think (and him) so far of the women he’s slept with so far? Is he ok with him cheating? Does he think you’re ok with it (him cheating)? Could you both go back to a non open marriage on both sides?

Agree with pp anyone I’ve heard of (and there’s not that many) who try this, they end up divorcing. Be careful what you wish for in your DH’s case.

So did he envisage himself shagging about and you sitting at home and being fine about it? Or did he not think how you being with other people would affect him?
I would possibly investigate what exactly made him want an open marriage in the first place, and what it is that has made him change his mind.

OP ignore all the “ won’t someone think about the children!” posters.

Your sex life ( whoever it’s with ) is none of their concern.

No one has cheated

OP, you haven’t said much about the boundaries you agreed upon.

I think possibly it’s one thing accepting that your spouse goes off to have casual sex with other partners, but something else having to sit there watching them constantly messaging these other partners.

Quite aside from all the other possibilities that PP have mentioned, it may well be that your DH resents the fact that communicating with these side pieces is impacting on your time together - hence his complaint about you always being on your phone now.

Every agreement for an open marriage is different but messaging/arranging meet-ups in front of your spouse does feel a bit off. Otherwise you’re veering into more of a relationship with others (as opposed to just casual sex) risking your marriage no longer being the “main event”.

Ultimately though we’re all just guessing - I think you need to ask him to be specific about what the issue was. And also if you close the marriage how you will both feel fulfilled because it very much sounds as if he was bored, and to a lesser extent, you too. You might not have worried about him cheating before but if he gets bored again, he may be tempted to wander to get some kicks because it doesn’t sound as if an open marriage is something he’d want to revisit.

Well not technically but sexually.

I see the puritans are out in force. Sorry OP.

Re your husband, it sounds like the old double standard. He wants to shag about but is annoyed when you do it. I definitely think worth having some therapy about it. Just how does he feel it’s damaging the marriage? Think you need to dig into both your feelings a bit.

Do you want to close your marriage? Or are you enjoying feeling attractive to other men? It sounds like you’ve both been open about how attraction to others doesn’t just stop when you get married (I think more couples should be honest about this).

Ok is he ok with you having sex with other women and vice versa?

Of course he’s not ok with it. Well for him yes.

Other women?! He'd probably bloody love it and prefer it to other men being involved, let's be honest.

It seems you have a strong enough marriage to go back to ‘normal’. But it’s important to talk about it of your feelings now it’s over. How can you recreate excitement and passion for each other? Hopefully it’s also taught him a bit of a lesson - perhaps he was taking you for granted.
Good luck going forward.

Hi we have an Open marriage. This is a common issue. Feel free to private message if you'd like to talk about it

But it's not just a "slightly different relationship type" is it? It is a difference that strikes at the fundamental tenet of the type of relationship that 98% of the world views as the norm (indeed polygamy is illegal for c.75% of the world's population). Further, it likely goes against the biological imperatives and instincts that monogamy serves/develops. Two examples: in mammals testicle size relative to body size accurately predicts social structure. Humans have a monogamous "testicular quotient". Secondly, it has been posited that monogamy and jealousy go hand in hand - only 3-5% of mammals are monogamous (more like 20% in primates) and competitive, jealous behaviours are rarely seen in polygamous mammals, after mating has been completed (possibly indicating that jealousy is a function of monogamy).

I have a colleague who opened her marriage. It has been absolutely catastrophic for her and i don't imagine much better for her husband. I judge anyone who goes into such an arrangement with the wide-eyed innocence that the OP apparently has, which can only be maintained by someone who has the imagination and forethought of a peanut. In fact, is it still judging if all you are really doing is marvelling at the ability of someone to be oblivious to the bleeding obvious. Just so, so many ways this could go wrong that take almost no thought to come up with: one person only going along with it to keep the peace, one person getting more offers than the other, one or both falling in love with someone they meet, someone either party meets becomes too attached, one or more party accidentally sleeps with children's school friend's parent and it all comes out, one wants to turn back and the other doesn't, teenage child sees one party on a date, one judging the choices of the other, one being ok discussing it, the other not. Just off the top of my head.

I don't think people are judging the relationship per se, just the fact the OP is surprised it has gone wrong to some degree.

But you'd lie to them if they asked where you are.

I think people were asking what is she actually telling them she’s doing when she’s going on these dates? Because it’s all fine to say you don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, but if you’re lying to your kids about what you’re doing (and you don’t have to say sex, you could say date) then you don’t really believe it’s totally fine yourself.

Just because two people 'agree' to something, that doesn't mean it's a good idea. When you open your marriage up to multiple sexual partners, you also open it up to jealously, resentment, disappointment, distrust, anger, selfishness, and sadness (to name a few) plus whatever negativity and toxicity that those outside people might also harbour, which they are now able to bring deep into the heart of your family, because you opened the door to that. YABU to expect that everything would be the same once you both decided to do this.

Ignore it OP. There's no one size fits all for relationships but a lot of people are deeply attached to convention and can't understand anything beyond that. You live your life the way you want, as long as no one is getting hurt then it's nobody else's business.

Personally these days I judge judgemental people more than I do anything else!