AIBU to think DH regrets opening our marriage now I enjoy it?

[RosePoett]

AIBU to think DH wants to close our open relationship because I turned out to enjoy it too?

DH (44) and I (43) have been together 16 years and we have 2 boys (secondary school age). Like a lot of couples at this stage of life, we’d fallen into more of a “co-parenting/house admin” relationship for a while and sex had become fairly routine not spontaneous.

About a year ago DH brought up the idea of opening the relationship. It wasn’t out of nowhere exactly we’d talked over the years about attraction not magically disappearing because you’re married/in a long-term relationship etc but I was still pretty shocked when he suggested actually doing something about it.

To be fair to him, he didn’t pressure me and we spent time talking about boundaries, honesty, safe sex, not bringing people back to the family home, not introducing anyone to the children etc. Eventually I agreed because part of me thought maybe it would either reignite things between us or at least make us both feel less stuck in middle age.

For context, DH is objectively attractive. charming, very sociable, looks younger than he is. Women have always liked him and he’s never lacked confidence in that department. He has been seeing other people and has had plenty of interest, so this is NOT a case of him sitting at home unable to “pull”.

What neither of us expected (including me) was that I’d also get attention. Quite a lot actually. I’m not talking about dozen of men throwing themselves at me, but enough that it genuinely surprised me after years of school runs, work,feeling invisible etc.

I’ve gone on dates, had fun, felt attractive again for the first time in years and honestly it’s massively boosted my confidence. And weirdly, it improved things between DH and me for a while too because we were communicating more and making more effort with each other.

But over the last few months his attitude has changed. He asks more questions, gets funny if I’m messaging someone, makes comments about me “always being on my phone”, and now has announced that he wants to close the relationship completely because he thinks it’s “damaging our marriage”. He says he’d like for us to keep our marriage.

I do understand people are allowed to change their minds. If one person is deeply unhappy then obviously that matters. But I can’t shake the feeling that the reality has bruised his ego a bit.

When he imagined himself sleeping with other women while I maybe dabbled occasionally, the whole thing felt exciting and ‘progressive’Now I’m enjoying myself too and realising I’m apparently still attractive to other men at 43, suddenly it’s become a problem.

I haven’t broken any boundaries, lied, hidden things or prioritised anyone over family life.

AIBU to think this is less about “protecting the marriage” and more about DH struggling with the fact his wife is desired by other men too?

You’ve played very dangerous game and it will end badly

What amazes me on these situations is that men are shocked to discover women can find casual sex much easier than men can. I mean it’s not occurred to him that saying to a woman, “I’m married, you’ll have nothing meaningful from this, it’ll go nowhere and then I’m going to get home to my family” doesn’t have the affect that, “I’m married, I’m not sure I’ll even see you again after some hot no strings attached sex” does to men.
Every single time, they seem shaken to the core by the outcome. Poor little nobheads.

@RosePoett have a ball lass!

It's time to end the marriage and for you to take up dogging.

Small sample, but the general theme on Couples Therapy of open relationships (which of course was always instigated by the man) was that the man got very annoyed that the woman was being 'open' too and then he complains how stressful it is and how he isn't getting enough time/his needs met. I think a lot of men mean they want to sleep with other women and be open with their partner about it, but they expect her to keep house and family whilst he is out enjoying himself.

NGL OP I had a wry smile as I read your post. So many men simply don't understand the laws of supply and demand here. There are plenty more men looking to have no strings sex with women than the other way round. To many men you are a dream partner. Of course you would have more success than him if you wanted it. He is just one of a long line of men heading to middle age and looking for an extramarital affair. You can bet the majority of those others also state (falsely) they are in an open marriage! Presumably he assumed you would not, in fact, want to and he wanted a cheaters pass. Well, looks like he literally FAFO. No advice OP - entirely your decision - other than to say if you insist on it staying open you are likely to lose him. However I salute the fact you took him at his word and went out there and used your freedoms and showed him a strong dose of reality.

I'd say that about sums it up 😂

If you think it isnt true then a) you have lived a very sheltered life and b) report it.

I don't know if YABU or not but I find it really sad that you say that neither of you expected that you would get any attention.

Your confidence has obviously been given a massive boost from opening your marriage. If you agree to close your marriage how do you now feel about your DH and his opinion of you before you opened it?

You should totally take him dogging so he can see the queue waiting for you.

Oh I know right.

They seem to forget that sadly in a way most men and ex’s that women know would be up for some no strings attached if we just popped them a message.

Where as if I got a message from my ex or a male friend / work buddy being hey my wife says I can sleep around so you up for it I’d be like ewww no thanks 😂 then I’d likely message his wife.

Let alone pure random randoms on a dating site who don’t even have to worry about ruining a friendship.

Men don’t care if you’re single married poly or anything. If your offering sex and they want sex with zero commitment no trying to woo you they will jump. You don’t even have to be thin, pretty or a nice person just vagina and boobs basically will do it for a one nighter.

I'll eat my hat if you're not divorced in a few years time. You don't care if the other shags a random You're both devoting time to others that should be time spent on your marriage. Neither of you care enough about each other to want to only be with them. Your DH doesn't seem concerned that your safety could be at risk when meeting random men tor sex. It's over. The bloom is off the rose. Don't you want to have a man be so in love with you, that nothing would ever make him want to share you around with other men. Is this what you dreamed of, as you were walking down the aisle?

You’ve obviously put a lot of effort into negotiating opening so why not try to talk this through with him.

Ask him if it is driven by pangs of jealousy and just give him the chance to talk through what is really happening for him.
Tell him that you enjoy it and that you think it has been positive for the marriage from your side.
If you are happy to close it, then that’s OK, but say you will maybe revisit in 3-5 years time.

I don’t it really matters why he wants to close your marriage- but he does- so it’s either close or split- but split is probably on the cards now anyhow

A tale as old as time, I feel like every time I hear about people truly opening up their marriage - as in, both dating others not just the husband - there’s always a bitter man that ends up surprised his wife can do a lot better and has plenty of options.

I do find your attitude a little childish, it’s he’s his nose out of joint as I’m getting mine, it’s quite unpleasant. Neither of you would have known how you’d feel when you opened the marriage, and he is not short of attention as you said.

]clearly he feels jealous and concerned for his marriage, the issue is you don’t. And I doubt you want to be with him only again, the issue is the men you’re seeing see you as a safe bet willing to shag, as a single woman looking for a relationship it will be very different for you.

im surprised you thought you’d get no attention. There is no shortage of men who will take up string free sex offers. Irrelevant of what they think of the woman. It’s cheaper than hiring someone and they dint need to worry about emotional involvement.

I was thinking this as well. How do people make time for this? With school age kids and presumably work?

Do you just drop other hobbies / friends / family?

With him saying you're always on your phone, I'd guess it is more that he is worried you are forming a strong connection with someone and he is scared you will leave him for them. If he doesn't feel secure in the marriage, that will destroy the marriage. I'd be closing it off straight away if you want to save the marriage.

What? You have every evening and weekend day taken with activities you can’t get out of? As long as one parent is with the kids the other is free to go out, I could certainly do this without dropping friends and family

Yep!

What neither of us expected (including me) was that I’d also get attention.

So what? He was keen to do this because he thought he'd be out shagging lots of women while you stayed home with no-one interested in you? It's really not turned out how he thought, has it. Just makes it sound so much worse that he thought he'd be the only one really benefitting from this.

I'm with the other posters who say whether reasonable or not doesn't matter..He knows how it's making him feel with you putting your attention into other men..You need to know if you're bothered with him being upset. if so, then something's going to have to give.

My wife & I met through a swingers site over 11 years ago when we were both single. We have been together ever since & got married five years ago. We are still swingers but rarely meet up with anyone new now. We have a few swinging friends who we see every so often sometimes just socially & other times for a foursome.

We might be swingers & enjoy sex with others but we would never ever see other people on our own. The idea of leaving my wife at home while I go on a date just doesn't appeal & she isn't interested in seeing people alone either. It's not because of jealousy but because we enjoy doing things together & want the kind of sex we don't get at home i.e. 3somes, 4somes, sex parties etc

It's a common tale in swinging circles of the couple in their 40s or 50s who go swinging at the instigation of the male & then find out that she is much more keen on swinging sex than him.

Me neither. My wife & I are swingers but find the idea of dating someone else is pointless. If we want 1-to-1 sex we have great sex at home with each other. What we want from swinging is the sort of sex we can't have at home i.e. 3somes, 4somes, sex parties, sharing a partner with others, same sex partners etc etc

I don’t think he expected to be the one sat at home with the kids when he came up with this though.

Gosh I love this. You live your best life! Good for you!!