AIBU to think DH regrets opening our marriage now I enjoy it?

[RosePoett]

AIBU to think DH wants to close our open relationship because I turned out to enjoy it too?

DH (44) and I (43) have been together 16 years and we have 2 boys (secondary school age). Like a lot of couples at this stage of life, we’d fallen into more of a “co-parenting/house admin” relationship for a while and sex had become fairly routine not spontaneous.

About a year ago DH brought up the idea of opening the relationship. It wasn’t out of nowhere exactly we’d talked over the years about attraction not magically disappearing because you’re married/in a long-term relationship etc but I was still pretty shocked when he suggested actually doing something about it.

To be fair to him, he didn’t pressure me and we spent time talking about boundaries, honesty, safe sex, not bringing people back to the family home, not introducing anyone to the children etc. Eventually I agreed because part of me thought maybe it would either reignite things between us or at least make us both feel less stuck in middle age.

For context, DH is objectively attractive. charming, very sociable, looks younger than he is. Women have always liked him and he’s never lacked confidence in that department. He has been seeing other people and has had plenty of interest, so this is NOT a case of him sitting at home unable to “pull”.

What neither of us expected (including me) was that I’d also get attention. Quite a lot actually. I’m not talking about dozen of men throwing themselves at me, but enough that it genuinely surprised me after years of school runs, work,feeling invisible etc.

I’ve gone on dates, had fun, felt attractive again for the first time in years and honestly it’s massively boosted my confidence. And weirdly, it improved things between DH and me for a while too because we were communicating more and making more effort with each other.

But over the last few months his attitude has changed. He asks more questions, gets funny if I’m messaging someone, makes comments about me “always being on my phone”, and now has announced that he wants to close the relationship completely because he thinks it’s “damaging our marriage”. He says he’d like for us to keep our marriage.

I do understand people are allowed to change their minds. If one person is deeply unhappy then obviously that matters. But I can’t shake the feeling that the reality has bruised his ego a bit.

When he imagined himself sleeping with other women while I maybe dabbled occasionally, the whole thing felt exciting and ‘progressive’Now I’m enjoying myself too and realising I’m apparently still attractive to other men at 43, suddenly it’s become a problem.

I haven’t broken any boundaries, lied, hidden things or prioritised anyone over family life.

AIBU to think this is less about “protecting the marriage” and more about DH struggling with the fact his wife is desired by other men too?

That wasn’t the solution to us losing children ? I just meant we have had A LOT going the last 2 or so years and miscarriages was one of the things we’ve had to deal with.

I do trust him why would I not trust him. He has never given me a reason not to trust him, we have known each other for 25 years. I’ve trusted him all that time ?

Bloody well wasn’t the solution. I can’t believe it even entered his head. Never mind that you went along with it.
Do you think you would’ve under normal circumstances or where you were a bit vulnerable?

He clearly thought he was really asking for your blessing to sleep around while you sat at home and babysat.

He probably had someone lined up he was very keen to sleep with, but didn't want an affair on his conscience

You say other men make you feel attractive. Does your husband do that?

do you think possibly this haa also made DH feel unattractive too? You know cos he clearly expect his cake and to eat it whilst you sat home

maybe the open/closed issue is not actually the real issue here

I’m not against open relationships ? Might have not made that clear. I think you’re trying to make me out to be the victim. This isn’t a me vs him situation at all.

You might have misunderstood my post and maybe I didn’t articulate things properly but this isn’t a me vs him situation. We aren’t at war or on the verge of a marriage breakdown. We are very open minded people it’s not an idea he planted in my head. I’m very capable of making my decisions. Capable enough to endure med school and the rest I’m not this timid person who can’t make my own decisions and I’m not in a marriage where I’m not allowed to make a decision. It’s a partnership. Good god what is this obsession with trying to make someone the bad guy that wasn’t my intention at all with this post. I just wanted perspectives not assumptions.

I am dyslexic so maybe that’s affecting my articulation in turn affecting the interpretation but my post was not to try to make a villain out of this situation.

How do we know we had someone lined up maybe I’m just clueless because I didn’t have that inclination at any point during this

Me three (or possibly four). Could you remind me of what we are we all thinking?

Yes he does make me feel attractive. I myself haven’t felt attractive for a while as I haven’t had much time for anything really that is solely for me.

Dh very much doesn’t struggle with his self esteem he has taken care of himself and knows he’s attractive. He actually looks better with age I have known him since we were 18 so I have seen him at every stage since then.

I don't think most people think you are a victim or are trying to pit you against your husband. But your situation of husband wanting an open marriage then reneging when wife gets more offers than he expected is so painfully classic. It's a trap. PP put some good newspaper columns regarding. It's seen so often and it says a lot about male expectations and their general selfishness. And how they perceive their female partners.

He brought it up, you eventually agreed. Now you are doing well on it he doesn't like it. It's an old tale. That's truly it. Read the posts and people are nodding away. Nobody is being painted as bad or a victim. But there is recognition.

His reason was that he wants to work in our marriage.

If we are going by numbers he got more attention to be honest.

I do understand that part but I think there’s also lots of judgmental responses. An aunt of mine and her husband have been together 55 years, they had a period of an open marriage, still together now happy as ever enjoying retirement always travelling. I don’t think they’re unhappy with one another , they each have enough money to leave eachother if they were unhappy, they’re not really tied down to eachother anymore their children are all married with children of their own etc. I think there’s just lots of assumptions and judgments on this and I can understand why but also just because something isn’t the ‘norm’ doesn’t mean it’s ‘bad’.

I’ve received so many messages of people in open marriages, people who have tried it and stopped and went back to being monogamous and then people that just can’t fathom it.

This isn’t to you personally hit more so a general comment but I’ve learnt from this post. Just because you don’t personally do it or can’t fathom it doesn’t mean it’s not happening. Some of the comments /posters on this thread might have friends or family or just know people who are in open marriages but just haven’t told them.

Eventually agreed? He asked me once and I said yes as I’m open minded and know that we’ve been together so long she known each since we were practically children at 18 barely adults. My attraction to him isn’t going to fade and I’ve always felt the attraction from him so I was willing to try this. This is the same man that takes time to writes me poetry and has pretty much written me one for my birthday every year since we were 18. That’s not a measure of love but certainly to me shows dedication and interest I think the love is still there. We have both just been very busy very demanding jobs, children, house renos that maybe we forgot who we were as a couple and hopefully we can get that back

I don’t disagree but do still think there has been lots of judgement. It’s nothing that much out of the ordinary.

I know that feeling. I would 100% suggest you find some time to fall in love with yourself again.

He wants to work on your marriage. Now. When it's been proven you are attractive and he could lose you. Not beforehand.
I don't think open marriages are necessarily bad. But men often suggest them. And then often do not like the fact their female partner enjoys more attention than they expect. Because they think of themselves first and foremost. Their needs, their sex drives. And on this forum many women recognize this. Which is why you receive the responses you have. Women on here can be cynical in general towards men because of life experiences. Your experience whilst new to you is well known in open /experimental scenarios.
You asked Mumsnet! and said yourself it seemed like your husband had become bitter at you doing so well, he didn't expect it. That says more any responses on here.

Do you think your DH would be looking to close the marriage again if he was the one getting all the attention and you weren't getting much or any? If the answer of that is no, you know he's just jealous and wanting to close it because it's not serving him any longer.

I think you need to have a good hard think , if you still want to be married, of course it’s easier for you to pick up men your offering sex with no strings, don’t be disillusioned that if you left you married it would be the same ..

I’m finding it hard to believe you and your husband didn’t know a woman advertising she only wanted casual sex would get a lot of interest?

Hmmm. What you’re saying is bollocks. You say most of the posters are judgemental and you don’t like it.

what exact response were you expecting?

You and your husband are clearly intelligent, but why are you kidding yourself the pair of you went into this blind and didn’t realise the marriage would fail on the back of it?

just listen to yourself. You say you love your husband and don’t want to divorce, but a wife who loves their husband doesn’t sign up to an open marriage full-stop.

all open marriages end in divorce, yours is no different.

surgeons and doctors are notorious cheaters, so prior to the opening conversation, guarantee he’s had flings behind your back. Even you admit your relationship was on-off for some years.

people here comment on your kids knowing, but kids, teenage kids are no fools. Mummy dressed to the nines in the evening and either not returning or coming back at 3am on a regular basis is major red flags. As some said here, it’s a small world
where you sleep with your kids friends parents and that gossip is spread like wildfire. Plus tech savvy kids already are prowling dating sites and claiming Donna’s dad is here on a dating site saying he’s in an open relationship.

As both doctors, nobody is commenting about your putting your health at risk by acting like a street walker? When you are a mother of young kids?

it seems like you are fishing for therapy, but therapy won’t fix the inevitable which is stop wasting time and divorce.

the pair of you need to stop kidding yourself.

sounds like the pair of you are selfish and self-obsessed and want it all your own way. Your husband wants other women on the side, and you enjoy your freedom and want to stayed married to Mr Wallet.

Also, one thing I’ve noticed in life: American men are exceptionally selfish and America is a very misogynistic. American men rule. Women’s sole achievement is to marry a rich successful man and play housey and shut-up.

this is part of the reason he stopped the anything goes shagging. He assumed the haus Frau would get no action or “obey the husband” and stay at home doing the refurbishment or her knitting hobbies, whilst he slept his way through the telephone directory impressing every chick with I’m loads of money, I’m a doctor don’t cha know? And admiring himself in the mirror.

American men regard women who put it about with disgust. He’s probably saying let’s forget about it as he’s absolutely terrified of being taken to the cleaners by you.

As someone else suggested. When he said to you he wanted an open marriage, he already had the beauty queen already lined up, he just needed your permission so he didn’t look so bad.

You need to divorce and stop kidding yourself about your situation.

You both sound like selfish individuals who put themselves first. Who like the idea of marriage, Mr and Mrs Alpha. But don’t want to creep around telling everyone in sight that you married a cheating b* that can’t keep it in his pants.

Don’t kid yourself that intelligence is smoothing over just how sordid and sleazy it really is: you make out it’s just a failed experiment, nothing to see here, move along.

but once the genie is out of the bottle, that’s the end of the marriage.

anyone who genuinely cared for their spouse and loved their spouse, would absolutely refuse to go along with this. You are both not teenagers, you are both old enough and intelligent enough to know open marriage = divorce.

both of you aren’t being honest with yourselves. You are deluded. Sorry.

I said how does it make you feel about him, not doesn’t it make you feel awful. I think you must know he thought you were not as attractive as him to other people, or at a minimum he was entirely focussed on himself and hadn’t thought about what he’d think about his wife sleeping with other men, he was too focussed on permission to get his own rocks off. Have you told him he clearly asked for this open marriage without thinking about how he’d feel about you sleeping around because he was focussed on him, and it is staggeringly selfish and childish to make such a big ask without having thought about his wife? And he can never ever do that again or theres no recovering?

Eventually I agreed because part of me thought maybe it would either reignite things between us or at least make us both feel less stuck in middle age.

Your words, I wouldn't know otherwise.

You are absolutely IN DENIAL. Stop blaming yourself. Your middle aged husband has to take responsibility for this mess.

And what’s with all this - quick, we made a mistake, go back to normal. Forget it ever happened. Excuse me?

How long do you think that charade will carry on? He obviously is arrogant and thinks he’s a catch. Give it 10 years with more money, and he will be getting laid morning, noon and night. And probably there will be some 30-year old who adores Dr Silver Fox & loves his cash & wants a slice of the pie and wants to be his new Mrs. Then you can post on here that you have wasted 35 years on a playa.

surgeon’s divorce rates are something like 80%. Something to do with free hospital accommodation and shift patterns and shedloads of opportunity and frisky nurses, young SHOs wanting career advancement from the surgeon. Young women up for anything.

Sorry but I think this is very amusing.

He’s pissed off that you’re really enjoying yourself and it’s not what he expected at all. And he doesn’t like it after he suggested an open marriage.

I would be reluctant to go back to how things were seeing as you said they were so humdrum.

You don’t like everyone’s opinions on here. You came for “perspective”.

What you mean is that you disagreed with what everyone said, because it didn’t fit your narrative.

you and he are intelligent people in your 40s. He knew exactly he was risking his marriage when he suggested an open marriage - but he didn’t care about the consequences. Which means ultimately, he doesn’t care about the marriage.

no sane spouse suggests an open marriage without assuming the very very high possibility that either one of you meets a younger/prettier girl /more handsome/richer man they would rather be with.

And look at this - indifference. Your husband is indifferent. Being indifferent is much much worse than jealousy. He’s indifferent to you sleeping with other men.

Divorce lawyers will say that indifference is the killer to marriage, not jealousy. Your husband checked out ages ago.

Now he’s just hoping you don’t take him to the cleaners in a divorce. Desperate to patch things up and promise to be a loyal husband for the rest of his life. Why not ask how long marriages with infidelity last? You know, after the forgiveness and promises to start afresh. Before the boredom creeps back in

sounds like the pair of you are clinging on just for appearances.

seems like you are desperate for posters to write posts like open marriages are a raging success, I’ve been in an open marriage for 80 years, everyone should be in an open marriage, open marriages saved my relationship. Guff like that instead of open marriage last 3 years before the House of Cards collapses and divorce proceedings .

Start sleeping with other people that aren’t your spouse (whether secret or openly) and get the egg timer out to when the divorce lawyers are called