AIBU to think DH regrets opening our marriage now I enjoy it?

[RosePoett]

AIBU to think DH wants to close our open relationship because I turned out to enjoy it too?

DH (44) and I (43) have been together 16 years and we have 2 boys (secondary school age). Like a lot of couples at this stage of life, we’d fallen into more of a “co-parenting/house admin” relationship for a while and sex had become fairly routine not spontaneous.

About a year ago DH brought up the idea of opening the relationship. It wasn’t out of nowhere exactly we’d talked over the years about attraction not magically disappearing because you’re married/in a long-term relationship etc but I was still pretty shocked when he suggested actually doing something about it.

To be fair to him, he didn’t pressure me and we spent time talking about boundaries, honesty, safe sex, not bringing people back to the family home, not introducing anyone to the children etc. Eventually I agreed because part of me thought maybe it would either reignite things between us or at least make us both feel less stuck in middle age.

For context, DH is objectively attractive. charming, very sociable, looks younger than he is. Women have always liked him and he’s never lacked confidence in that department. He has been seeing other people and has had plenty of interest, so this is NOT a case of him sitting at home unable to “pull”.

What neither of us expected (including me) was that I’d also get attention. Quite a lot actually. I’m not talking about dozen of men throwing themselves at me, but enough that it genuinely surprised me after years of school runs, work,feeling invisible etc.

I’ve gone on dates, had fun, felt attractive again for the first time in years and honestly it’s massively boosted my confidence. And weirdly, it improved things between DH and me for a while too because we were communicating more and making more effort with each other.

But over the last few months his attitude has changed. He asks more questions, gets funny if I’m messaging someone, makes comments about me “always being on my phone”, and now has announced that he wants to close the relationship completely because he thinks it’s “damaging our marriage”. He says he’d like for us to keep our marriage.

I do understand people are allowed to change their minds. If one person is deeply unhappy then obviously that matters. But I can’t shake the feeling that the reality has bruised his ego a bit.

When he imagined himself sleeping with other women while I maybe dabbled occasionally, the whole thing felt exciting and ‘progressive’Now I’m enjoying myself too and realising I’m apparently still attractive to other men at 43, suddenly it’s become a problem.

I haven’t broken any boundaries, lied, hidden things or prioritised anyone over family life.

AIBU to think this is less about “protecting the marriage” and more about DH struggling with the fact his wife is desired by other men too?

You've given a lot of personal info here. Roughly what jobs you do, dual nationality of your kids, where you both worked after uni, that you've known each other since then. Not highly specific but if I was an old friend I'd probably recognise you, and you may want to remove some info.

OP you do seem to be getting a lot of judgement and unnecessary comments here. Personally I do understand where you are coming from and think it's only natural to wonder would your DH still be wanting to stop if he was the one who was the most active and you hardly were and likely you are right here but in truth you'll never know as that scenario never played out. I guess take the compliment that your husband still wants you for himself as you've said you do want to stay married to your husband.

I am a man. Most men think most women are attractive.

OP I think your reading of this situation is correct... but do you want to be right, or do you want to be happily married? I think counselling is a good idea. And try not to be too obviously gleeful that you're getting all this attention if DH isn't doing so well!

Most men would have sex with a women if on offer even he she want his normal type attractive wise.

Because it’s no strings. You’re not looking for a wife or mother of your children. You’re looking for sex.

Well I'm a man too, and I completely disagree with you 😂😂😂

@PyongyangKipperbang Just wet myself a little at:

"Most men would shag a bollard if you put a dress on it"

Wtf?! Cos that is the issue here!

What a farce this marriage is. Just call it a day.

Open marriages never work. One person gets jealous and causes arguments.

I think there's a lot of overthinking going on. Obviously you aren't going to discuss your sex life with your children and parents are actually allowed out, the kids don't need to know if the friend you are meeting up with is an old friend for a coffee or a handsome stranger for something more exciting. That's if they are even around when you're going out

Coming from an oldie like me you tried it, it's given you both something to think about. If it made him feel jealous well maybe he will be that bit more interested in you. You've had a think about things like clothes and make up so now you remember you're an attractive desirable woman maybe you will buy some new clothes, get some new make up. I prescribe some fun for you both, have a romantic holiday when the kids are off seeing family. It will do more good than therapy.

Good luck and remember have some fun.

Edit to say ignore the nasty comments.

That is true. I did it without thinking but to be honest most of my close friends who would know all those details are aware of my marriage and just how things have been recently.

Well I'm a woman, and I reckon it's probably largely true in the sense of "would shag her if I were looking for casual sex and she was up for it, she is not so repulsive that I'd turn down no strings sex if that's what I was after". Whether you count that as "finding her attractive" is probably more subjective but "would accept sex"... seems largely true to me. I'm plain, always have been, and have never been short of offers when I'm up for it. And harassment when I'm not. I'm not at all surprised that a woman OP's age is inundated, even if she hasn't got the most up to date wardrobe or makeup bag.

@RosePoett - not RTFT (sorry - am supposed to be working...) but wanted to post as DH and I have had periods of having an open relationship so I do see how it can be accommodated in a relationship. And I completely see that this is not something which needs to be discussed with or explained to your DCs.

DH and I opened up our relationship after following a very particular path (actually, we studied tantra) and now - 15 years later - we've actually done hardly anything with it. DH slept a couple of times with a dear friend of ours (whom we knew through tantra) and I copped off with a guy I met while travelling for work. In both cases, this was over a decade ago.

It does sound a bit like your DH assumed he would be the one having the most fun in this scenario and, if nothing else, that is deeply ungallant and a bit daft. I'm glad he has had a reality check on that. I'm also glad that you've had a boost from the experience also.

That said, I think women in their 40s and 50s (and beyond!!!) continue to be attractive even if we don't notice that we are. I think there is a confidence that comes with our accumulated life wisdom and humour, even just from slogging through peri-menopause and menopause, that can be attractive in itself. And I will say that being post-menopausal (which I've been for several years; I'm in my late 50s) is like being in a second prime. Honestly, I'm about 3 stone overweight but I feel more confident than I ever have, powerful and, yes, attractive. Can't rate it highly enough!

Anyway, I don't think you've done irreparable damage to your relationship. It sounds like you and your DH are able to discuss things and you are both willing to close your relationship now. It may take a bit of unpicking but you seem pretty attuned so hopefully you will find your way back to a closed relationship without too much difficulty.

Well, I think you're wrong, but we're not going to convince each other, so 🤷🙂

Op, you’ve replied on this post many times. Not once have you addressed the question about how you feel that this outcome shows your dh thinks of you as less than him. You were supposed to be less attractive, and not get male attention, while he drowned in female attention and also had you to come home to. Thats why he suggested the arrangement. Now that it’s shown you’re an attractive sexual woman, he’s pissed off and jealous. That’s extremely unattractive, both the low opinion of you and the lack of self awareness. How does that make you feel
about him? It’s ok to both want to save the marriage and also to love and respect your dh less. After all, he wants to save the marriage too, and he has clearly always not respected you a whole lot.
there would be no recovery from this without counselling, focussed on whether he could consider me his equal, not someone he’s settled for.

He's opened the hornets nest and got stung. It’s turned out not as he planned. I say carry on enjoying it as I’m sure he would in your position.

She said most men, not all men, and not you personally.

I don’t think that’s how he felt, I also don’t think he wanted me to not have any attention I think this is a new experience for us and we both want to learn from it. I’ve known him 25 years I personally don’t think he thought I was unattractive. I think there’s been a lot of assumptions here maybe I didn’t articulate things properly in the original.

Based on his actions I don’t think it’s jealously per se but I think posting here was a big mistake lots and lots of assumptions being made or people wanting to make me feel shit. It’s not why I posted here I wanted perspective. Life has been awful for us for a couple of years multiple miscarriages and what not that have affected both of us in different ways. I don’t want to share every single detail of what we have been dealing with the last few years but it’s no one’s fault ie miscarriages and loss, to avoid assumptions on my marriage. I didn’t come on here to make my husband the villain or to be judged, shamed or whatever else I came here for perspective.

We are both up for counselling this is a recent discussion you don’t get a counsellor and start sessions within a space of a few days. We’ve consulted a few to see if they have any space based on our schedules that’s as far as we’ve gotten for now.

but to answer your question ofcouse it would make me feel awful you don’t need to ask how I’d feel about such things. It’s quite obvious how I’d feel.

I understand that, but I disagree 🙂

I haven't read the full thread, but as someone who was in an open relationship for around 7 years, I wanted to say that the same thing happened for us 3 years down the line.
He was intensely jealous of the attention I was getting, whereas I loved the atrention he was getting.

Our solution was to meet other couples only together.

We joined a swinging website and attended swingers clubs.

Not sure if that is something you would consider.

So in your early 40s your DH suggested an open relationship, but you think he is unhappy about the level of attention you are getting so he wants to close it again.

What happens in 10 years or 15 years when he suggests that he was too hasty (or more likely he reinvents history) and that actually you should try an open relationship again? Would you allow him to have another go then, so to speak?

The reason I ask is that as a 44 year old man he may have expected to get more attention than a 43 year old woman, but it seems that wasn't the case and perhaps his ego cannot handle that.

Maybe in 10 years he will think that as a 54 year old man he will get more attention than a 53 year old woman? Or that as a 64 year old man he will get more attention than a 63 year old woman?

Is there any point when he just needs to pick a team? I would suggest that you both pick a team now and agree to stick to it, and if it isn't the same team then don't take it personally but perhaps you just both need different things. Don't let him keep picking your team for you.

You’ve been suffering with all the physical and mental implications of losing children and having multiple miscarriages and your husband’s solution to that was to fuck other people ?

I think you both need therapy urgently

I doubt he was so stupid, or thought his wife so unattractive, that he didn't think she'd get attention. I think he just didn't think much about it at all beyond getting his own end away, and probably imagined OP just naturally wouldn't want to take up many offers. It was a fantasy and it was about him.

OP, do you trust him if you close the marriage? We know he hates what you're getting but does he like what he's getting? Would he be prepared to stop?