AIBU to think DH regrets opening our marriage now I enjoy it?

[RosePoett]

AIBU to think DH wants to close our open relationship because I turned out to enjoy it too?

DH (44) and I (43) have been together 16 years and we have 2 boys (secondary school age). Like a lot of couples at this stage of life, we’d fallen into more of a “co-parenting/house admin” relationship for a while and sex had become fairly routine not spontaneous.

About a year ago DH brought up the idea of opening the relationship. It wasn’t out of nowhere exactly we’d talked over the years about attraction not magically disappearing because you’re married/in a long-term relationship etc but I was still pretty shocked when he suggested actually doing something about it.

To be fair to him, he didn’t pressure me and we spent time talking about boundaries, honesty, safe sex, not bringing people back to the family home, not introducing anyone to the children etc. Eventually I agreed because part of me thought maybe it would either reignite things between us or at least make us both feel less stuck in middle age.

For context, DH is objectively attractive. charming, very sociable, looks younger than he is. Women have always liked him and he’s never lacked confidence in that department. He has been seeing other people and has had plenty of interest, so this is NOT a case of him sitting at home unable to “pull”.

What neither of us expected (including me) was that I’d also get attention. Quite a lot actually. I’m not talking about dozen of men throwing themselves at me, but enough that it genuinely surprised me after years of school runs, work,feeling invisible etc.

I’ve gone on dates, had fun, felt attractive again for the first time in years and honestly it’s massively boosted my confidence. And weirdly, it improved things between DH and me for a while too because we were communicating more and making more effort with each other.

But over the last few months his attitude has changed. He asks more questions, gets funny if I’m messaging someone, makes comments about me “always being on my phone”, and now has announced that he wants to close the relationship completely because he thinks it’s “damaging our marriage”. He says he’d like for us to keep our marriage.

I do understand people are allowed to change their minds. If one person is deeply unhappy then obviously that matters. But I can’t shake the feeling that the reality has bruised his ego a bit.

When he imagined himself sleeping with other women while I maybe dabbled occasionally, the whole thing felt exciting and ‘progressive’Now I’m enjoying myself too and realising I’m apparently still attractive to other men at 43, suddenly it’s become a problem.

I haven’t broken any boundaries, lied, hidden things or prioritised anyone over family life.

AIBU to think this is less about “protecting the marriage” and more about DH struggling with the fact his wife is desired by other men too?

I’m not entirely sure why you have assumed I am judging you or your husband. If you were to say “I tell my kids I’m going on a date” then YOU obviously think it’s ok. If you hide what you’re doing, YOU don’t want your kids to know. You don’t have to go into the details of any sexual encounters to tell someone you’re going on a date. I have not expressed any judgement in any of my comments. I tried to help with the perspective you asked for by asking some relevant questions.

@loislovesstewie They don't have to like her, or even find her particularly attractive, it's the availability that matters.

They do have to find her attractive to an extent. Keep in mind that most men find most women attractive.

I’m curious…how did you feel when he was on a date and sleeping with another woman? Did you feel jealous?

I have not been in the dating scene for a long time. DH and I have known each other since university. Our relationship was on and off right at the start as we were both pursuing medicine and I was volunteering in multiple countries in Eastern Europe right after and he was in South America.

If I counted those on and off times we would have been together 25 years we met when we were both 18

Nice for the teens.

That's what I think...it was working out ...for OP...then OPs husband says nooo. It's not working out for me as well. And he suggested it in the first place.
It happens so often, it's a classic, everybody on this thread knows it, has seen a million versions.

The level of judgement on here is ridiculous. You're both adults who consented to this. If no one is cheating on anyone, our sex lives are not our children's business.

It does sound like your husband was only thinking of how he (rather than your marriage / sex life) would benefit when he suggested it in the first place.

I think availabilty overrides it all. The man is just thinking that he's being handed sex on a plate. He doesn't have to make much effort if that's the purpose of meeting. I mean he doesn't have to go through the rigmarole of asking her out, or going on dates, or doing any of the things that constitutes a relationship. If the idea is they just have sex then no real effort is needed.

I didn’t mean you personally judging me. That was meant to be a post on its on sorry.

I just don’t think I need to tell a 12 year old that I am going on a date. I wouldn’t even know how to go about that. It’s just something we were trying out I don’t think my children would understand it’s not that I don’t think it’s not okay. I’ve told close friends it’s not a secret but it’s also not something that I’m personally going go tell everyone. Maybe I’m wrong for that.

When he says it’s damaging your marriage have you asked him to elaborate?

what does he mean? How?
is it too often, is he fed up with meaningless sex, is his libido dropping, is he jealous?

it isn’t fair of him to not explain.
if he wants counselling he will need to know what he is going to say to this question

You said that your DH has suggested counselling, individually and together.

I think that’s a good idea as he’s admitted to jealousy, and this might be a genie that can’t simply be put back in the bottle.

Interesting though that he’s suggested counselling rather than just closing the relationship back off. It suggests there are some issues that he thinks you guys need to work through.

Counselling is an excellent idea by the sounds of things so no criticism implied. It’s just unusual for a couple who are in a good place to have it, which implies there could be more going on, at least in his mind.

In his case
Be careful what you wish for, you might get it.

When you were discussing it did you accept that for whatever reason there would be an extremely high chance of it wrecking your marriage.

Regardless of who's feeling what now it was almost certainly going to screw your marriage up.

"Keep in mind that most men find most women attractive"

😂😂😂 One of the most absurd things I've read on Mumsnet 😂😂😂

An open marriage isn’t for me but can’t you just be a bit clinical and take the positives here? You tried something and it didn’t work. You realise you’re more attractive than you thought (?). Your husband wants to be with you only. These are all good things. You’re both willing to be monogamous again - fine. I would have a big chat about what you both liked and what you didn’t….I wonder if you could schedule some date nights in together? Once a month, get a new dress, have some lovely food, laugh, stay over night? Do you have someone to have the boys? You’re obviously busy and become exhausted but it sounds like your marriage would benefit from some TLC and maybe some personal TLC like a new perfume or some underwear.

Do you routinely discuss your sex life with your children 😳

On reading your posts a few things have occurred to me. Has your DH told you why he wants to stop now or are you assuming? Do you make more of an effort now with your clothes and looking good for date since opening up? Do you make the same effort with your DH now than you did before opening up? Do you make the same effort with your DH now as you make for the other dates?

You know what you want which is a good place to be whatever you chose. What are you hoping to achieve by other people’s perspective?

Maybe he's finally realised that he loves you so much and no longer wants to share you with other men. Nothing wrong with an open relationship if you're both ok with each other seeing other people. I have a boyfriend who doesn't live with me I've been with him for almost 5years now and when we met we weren't exclusive-he was seeing other people and I was fine with that just like he'd have been ok with me seeing other people if I chose to. I chose not to because honestly I didn't want to but it didn't bother me if he did as that was up to him. As time has gone on he has also chosen to no longer see other people and I see him get slightly protective of me if other men look my way when we're out together because quite honestly he doesn't want to share any more

Except that it's obviously true.

You have teenage children? sort yourselves out.

@RosePoett i wondered about that too .
You were both surprised men wanted you .
Why is that ?
So he wanted other women , didn’t think anyone be interested in you .
I think at that point I’d have said I’d rather be single . What a cheek .

Im genuinely interested to know why you BOTH felt like that

That. I don't think this is an automatic 'blame the man' situation. It could just add easily have happened the other way round.

I don't think anyone opening their marriage can predict how it will work for them. And a women can equally end up being the one asking to close it again.

I have a close friend who has been through similar and what you're describing is very common. That initially it seemed to improve things but ultimately one party feels emotions they hadn't expected to feel and ultimately both parties find that the relationship between them feels damaged and lessened. If anyone tries to tell you this isn't common they're lying.

There may be open relationships that really work but they're the minority. Your experience is much more common and it doesn't mean that your DH has done anything wrong, really. He just didn't know how he'd feel. With that said, given this was his suggestion, I have no sympathy for him and I don't think I would feel the same way about the marriage after this if I were in your position.

So many good responses, but this one sums it up for me.

I'd carry on with the open marriage if you are enjoying it!

I can assure you, it absolutely isn't 😂😂