AIBU to think DH regrets opening our marriage now I enjoy it?

[RosePoett]

AIBU to think DH wants to close our open relationship because I turned out to enjoy it too?

DH (44) and I (43) have been together 16 years and we have 2 boys (secondary school age). Like a lot of couples at this stage of life, we’d fallen into more of a “co-parenting/house admin” relationship for a while and sex had become fairly routine not spontaneous.

About a year ago DH brought up the idea of opening the relationship. It wasn’t out of nowhere exactly we’d talked over the years about attraction not magically disappearing because you’re married/in a long-term relationship etc but I was still pretty shocked when he suggested actually doing something about it.

To be fair to him, he didn’t pressure me and we spent time talking about boundaries, honesty, safe sex, not bringing people back to the family home, not introducing anyone to the children etc. Eventually I agreed because part of me thought maybe it would either reignite things between us or at least make us both feel less stuck in middle age.

For context, DH is objectively attractive. charming, very sociable, looks younger than he is. Women have always liked him and he’s never lacked confidence in that department. He has been seeing other people and has had plenty of interest, so this is NOT a case of him sitting at home unable to “pull”.

What neither of us expected (including me) was that I’d also get attention. Quite a lot actually. I’m not talking about dozen of men throwing themselves at me, but enough that it genuinely surprised me after years of school runs, work,feeling invisible etc.

I’ve gone on dates, had fun, felt attractive again for the first time in years and honestly it’s massively boosted my confidence. And weirdly, it improved things between DH and me for a while too because we were communicating more and making more effort with each other.

But over the last few months his attitude has changed. He asks more questions, gets funny if I’m messaging someone, makes comments about me “always being on my phone”, and now has announced that he wants to close the relationship completely because he thinks it’s “damaging our marriage”. He says he’d like for us to keep our marriage.

I do understand people are allowed to change their minds. If one person is deeply unhappy then obviously that matters. But I can’t shake the feeling that the reality has bruised his ego a bit.

When he imagined himself sleeping with other women while I maybe dabbled occasionally, the whole thing felt exciting and ‘progressive’Now I’m enjoying myself too and realising I’m apparently still attractive to other men at 43, suddenly it’s become a problem.

I haven’t broken any boundaries, lied, hidden things or prioritised anyone over family life.

AIBU to think this is less about “protecting the marriage” and more about DH struggling with the fact his wife is desired by other men too?

Men who start having affairs usually don’t stop. It’s highly enjoyable. I don’t see why this will be any different.

He’s enjoyed having sex with other women again. He wants you to stop but I wouldn’t be at all sure he will.

You have an excuse though in that you're a woman, so you don't have an immediate understanding of what men are like or how men think.

Your husband should have fully known that once you became sexually available, there would be lots of men expressing an interest. I'm in disbelief that your husband, a man, seemingly doesn't understand that there are some men who like to shag women.

OP there will be posters here determined to make your husband into a villain who is responsible for all your ills. Just be aware of that.

What you are experiencing is common. When a marriage is opened it is very typical to discover that the woman has more options than the men for the simple reason that more men than women are interested in casual sex.

Your husband may simply have discovered that he is a lot less comfortable with the reality of an open marriage than with the fantasy.

Neither of you are bad people. You tried something, it didn't work for one of you. Closing the marriage and moving on seems the best course of action. It may not be straightforward of course - feelings of jealousy and insecurity once awakened don't just vanish overnight.

think some of the comments on my self esteem might be in good faith but a few are coming off very judgmental in my perspective

Of course people are going to judge! Having sex with other people which is what an "open marriage" really is is not the solution to middle-aged boredom.

OK, fair enough, no child should ever know about their parents sex lives of course.

Just work out what you and him think you need to do now. A reset and concentrating, purely on each other, with all that will take .

It may work, it might not, but you both have to be involved in the rescue mission.

He probably thought that he will have ‘freedom’ to do what he wants, while you will not grab the opportunity and quietly stay at home.

I'm in disbelief that any woman isn't aware of the fact that most men will shag a woman if she is available. They don't have to like her, or even find her particularly attractive, it's the availability that matters.

See this would actually piss me off and also make me take a really good look at the relationship.
He is surprised you got attention? He was just expecting to live his best life getting his dick wet as and when he fancied and you'd be sat there like a little fucking loner?? Nah, fuck him.
Think very carefully about if you do actually just want to be married to him because I wouldn't be happy with someone who clearly thought so fucking little of me.

We tried it I guess it didn’t work out

It was working out for you tho - you said it was raising your self esteem.

You entered into something you weren’t entirely sure about bc your husband wanted it - you were enjoying it - much to his surprise (which says a lot on all sorts of levels!) and now you’re stopping bc he’s jealous.

How do you think he’d have felt if he was loving it and you said you didn’t want to do it any more….?. 🤨🤔

and I guess everything just became familiar and instead of working through that we he chose to open a can of worms. Not our his greatest idea but we tried it

and now he doesn't want to any more..

so what now does he suggest / want to make your lives / marriage not ' familiar ' and how does he plan on working through this ?

What’s the point in being married? Why not just split up and sleep with who you like, when you like? There’s almost always an imbalance in these arrangements, one person going along with it because they feel they have to. Do they ever end in anything other than splitting up?

That said, your DH is unreasonable.

What neither of us expected (including me) was that I’d also get attention.

How do you know he didn't expect this?

That’s nothing to do with your 40s then, just you not making an effort to feel good about yourself. Someone could equally do that in their 20s/30s

I think some of the people on here are determined to make my husband the villain in this situation. When we first discussed opening things it was a discussion. I never suspected him of being unfaithful I’ve always trusted him. Why is it so hard to think someone trusts someone else. He had never given me a reason not to trust him so why would I start untrusting him. I care about him I very much love him.

We both have very demanding jobs. He is a surgeon it’s hard work and there’s been times where he has been burnt out from work. I am doctor too not a surgeon but still can be quite demanding at time. The opening of the relationship has not been both so us meeting new men/women every week that’s not how it’s been it’s been sporadic. I think there’s an assumption here that either of us meets someone new every other day. That’s not the case.

I admit we have opened a can of worms. We both want to stay married. I posted here just for a bit of perspective. I understand some people might be strictly monogamous but I also don’t need to be judged or shamed or made to feel like crap. I consented to this it was new to both of us we tried it, it didn’t really work. DH has said he’d like us to just close it and I want to as well. It was just new to me and I wanted to give it a try to see. He’s said for him he’d much rather we work on our marriage he’s told me he thought he’d enjoy the open marriage but he hasn’t, he said he did get jealous and missed me. I missed him too. I just didn’t expect to get any attention from men, some even 10 years younger than me. I don’t believe I am very insecure I think I am the ‘right’ level of insecure. I haven’t even bought myself any new clothes ( that weren’t maternity clothes) in almost 10 years, that’s probably played a part in this ie me maybe not putting in a bit of effort on myself apart from going to the gym, no new makeup in probably 5 years, some of my makeup is probably expired. Most of the new things I have have in regards to clothes or making have been gifts. That’s what I meant it’s not that I dislike myself. I have been very busy with work, children, house renovations so has he. I trust him he has not given me a reason to not trust him. I also don’t need to feel crap about this. I just came for perspective. Not to be judged on whether or not I have told my children who I am sleeping with I didn’t think that has anything to do with them.

It does sound like for whatever reason you’ve both really underestimated your worth in general I think and sexually.

Your husband seeing this new or rather old confident you back has clearly made him feel away.

It is a shame that it took this step to do that.

Like some have said now he knows other men will want you it’s very much oh no stop this isn’t working. While he was very cocksure of his own sexual worth.

Definitely stay aware of bringing yourself down to that person who believes they don’t have that worth again, or of letting anyone else make you feel that way.

Also once Pandora’s box is opened it can be very hard to keep it honestly closed.

Very easy to get a well she/he didn’t mind before so what’s the harm now, plus he/she will never find out.

I also think the comments have been judgemental and unacceptable, the op hasn’t committed some heinous sin, they both decided to see other people, mutual agreement. Someone even wrote she was lying to her kids about her sex life, which is an utterly shameful thing to write.

the only thing I can’t understand though is why the op and her husband thought she’d get no interest, any woman, makes her self sexually available, with no strings, will have men front up and take up the offer. Doesn’t matter what she looks like, although I’m sure the op is lovely, but it’s irrelevant, go on a dating site and basically state you’re looking for sex, which an open marriage states is what’s on offer, and they will be queuing up. Buy you a drink, even dinner, few texts and phone calls and they get a result, with min effort.

it’s unbelievable that anyone in this day and age didn’t know that.

I didn’t say it has anything to do with my 40s I just meant that I have been so busy with other things in life in my 40s. I have friends I studied with at university or went to school with that have far more time than me or have created more time than I have. I am not the best at time management.

I too am stunned that OP and her H did not realise how successful she would be. She’s in her 40s. There are a shit tonne of horny men in their 40s and 50s trying to find an available women. It must have been like shooting fish in a barrel for OP.

But she is projecting ? She keeps saying "maybe" to the question of does he actually feel that way and she says maybe. She has made an assumption without giving us information as to why she thinks that is what he thinks. So we don't know if that is what he feels or thinks.

OP just ask him, why do you want to close the marriage? Figure out why and also ask him if he feels it has fixed whatever issue there was when he suggested opening it. Need to figure out how to move forward where you both are happy, open or closed, communication is key

So now the can of worms has been opened and he doesn't like it, how does he propose to work on the marriage ?

I can’t tell if you are being deliberately obtuse and are missing the point about why people are asking about your children - no one expects you to say “I’m off out now to fuck another man”. What people mean is presumably you are meeting men in the evening, when your kids are likely to notice you aren’t about. So if I leave the house I tell people where I’m going - off to the gym, book club, supermarket, theatre, friends house etc. You clearly aren’t going to say “I’m meeting Fred” because the kids will ask “who’s Fred”. So when pp say you are lying to your kids that what they mean - you are saying you are going to the gym or whatever, but you’re not. I cannot fathom how good the sex must be with these random men to warrant making your life this complicated.

He has suggested we try counselling individually and together

But I’m not leaving the house when my children are in the house ? As of yet there has not been a situation where I have had to tell my children where I am going in regards to this. If I tell them I’m going to the supermarket I am really going to the supermarket and they often come with me.

I think there’s a lot of assumptions being made

The thing is it’s not as though you both wanted to realise a fantasy, tried it once and realised it was best left as a fantasy, as this arrangement has been going on for a while for you both.
You don’t sound as though you want to stop it either OP.
I’m not sure any man who truly loved and was a devoted husband to you would have entertained this in the first place… How do you move on from this and fully trust him going forward?
Tbh I don’t think you truly love each other or that there is much left of your marriage, sorry.

Posting on AIBU and not expecting to get shot down from all sides was your mistake here op. This is the most judgy of places. Maybe next time go for the relationships board.

Im not sure that your marriage will ever go back to “normal” now that you’ve both experienced a different way of doing this, especially as it sounds like he is suffering from some serious jealousy. I wonder if he was hoping you would beg him to stay monogamous? Or that you would agree, but not actually try dating others yourself, just let him crack on.

I’m also not sure I could get over the idea that quite possibly my husband thought he would have no problem attracting women for sex, but seemed surprised that I was an attractive prospect for men. Maybe that’s not what he’s thinking, and we can be generous and think that perhaps he just wanted to check that the grass wasn’t greener elsewhere, but I’m not even sure I would settle with that either. Mind you, it’s not something I would ever agree to, so I can’t really imagine how I would react.

This rather makes me think of the song by The beautiful south- I need a little time. I think your husband is learning the truth of the saying “be careful what you wish for”.