AIBU to think DH regrets opening our marriage now I enjoy it?

[RosePoett]

AIBU to think DH wants to close our open relationship because I turned out to enjoy it too?

DH (44) and I (43) have been together 16 years and we have 2 boys (secondary school age). Like a lot of couples at this stage of life, we’d fallen into more of a “co-parenting/house admin” relationship for a while and sex had become fairly routine not spontaneous.

About a year ago DH brought up the idea of opening the relationship. It wasn’t out of nowhere exactly we’d talked over the years about attraction not magically disappearing because you’re married/in a long-term relationship etc but I was still pretty shocked when he suggested actually doing something about it.

To be fair to him, he didn’t pressure me and we spent time talking about boundaries, honesty, safe sex, not bringing people back to the family home, not introducing anyone to the children etc. Eventually I agreed because part of me thought maybe it would either reignite things between us or at least make us both feel less stuck in middle age.

For context, DH is objectively attractive. charming, very sociable, looks younger than he is. Women have always liked him and he’s never lacked confidence in that department. He has been seeing other people and has had plenty of interest, so this is NOT a case of him sitting at home unable to “pull”.

What neither of us expected (including me) was that I’d also get attention. Quite a lot actually. I’m not talking about dozen of men throwing themselves at me, but enough that it genuinely surprised me after years of school runs, work,feeling invisible etc.

I’ve gone on dates, had fun, felt attractive again for the first time in years and honestly it’s massively boosted my confidence. And weirdly, it improved things between DH and me for a while too because we were communicating more and making more effort with each other.

But over the last few months his attitude has changed. He asks more questions, gets funny if I’m messaging someone, makes comments about me “always being on my phone”, and now has announced that he wants to close the relationship completely because he thinks it’s “damaging our marriage”. He says he’d like for us to keep our marriage.

I do understand people are allowed to change their minds. If one person is deeply unhappy then obviously that matters. But I can’t shake the feeling that the reality has bruised his ego a bit.

When he imagined himself sleeping with other women while I maybe dabbled occasionally, the whole thing felt exciting and ‘progressive’Now I’m enjoying myself too and realising I’m apparently still attractive to other men at 43, suddenly it’s become a problem.

I haven’t broken any boundaries, lied, hidden things or prioritised anyone over family life.

AIBU to think this is less about “protecting the marriage” and more about DH struggling with the fact his wife is desired by other men too?

Op, you haven’t actually said anything that definitely indicates your husband didn’t think you’d get attention (as opposed to just finding it harder to tolerate than he thought he would). Is there a reason you went straight to this conclusion rather than the alternative? It sounds like you had low self esteem (is that why you agreed?) and seeing how many people “want you” has given you an ego boost.

That said, these men you’re meeting who you tell that you are married, just want a shag. If they wanted anything more they wouldn’t be happy with the fact you’re married. So, there’s one man who wants to be with you properly, and is willing to admit he was wrong about what he thought would help your relationship. The others are not going to be there for you.

eta: all that is not to say you have to stay with your husband if you’re not actually happy with him, and you could have a queue of men wanting a relationship with you if you went into the dating world single. But these specific men who want to date a married woman don’t want anything more than sex.

Most of the time it’s been when they’ve been at their grandparents. They went on holiday to America last summer for 3 weeks as they have American passports too so they went to visit that side of the family. We (DH&I) joined them on week 2 as we both had work I went on a date during that week where they were in America. I didn’t have to tell them I’m going out. They were having fun with their cousins etc. I’m not meeting a new man every week.

I am not lying to my children. I don’t tell my children every single thing I get up to every single day. There’s days where I do multiple things in a day I don’t feel as though I need to tell them every single detail of my day from the minute I wake up to when I go to sleep. Maybe I’m parenting wrong, I haven’t claimed to be the best parent I do my best, my children are loved and are great boys. I personally don’t feel as though I need to tell them every single thing.

DH and I don’t plan to separate anytime soon it’s not what either of us want. We tried something realised it doesn’t really work for us and that’s okay. I’m not going to beat myself up for trying something out of the ordinary.

Wow… your husband is awful.

Why is anyone telling their children who they have sex with! You just say you’re going out with friends, adult life is private.

An alternative framing might be that he was more surprised that you actually wanted to act on it and not just be flattered. I know you said you'd talked about attraction to others not instantly dying on marriage, but I think there's a lot of normalization of the idea that women are much more monogamous than men that can seep into our unconscious without realising it.

I don't think you've said anything that makes this more likely than him not realising how attractive you are to other men. But you love him, and that's quite a blow to think about the man you love, so I want to point out there are alternatives to the interpretation that he undervalued you.

I also think you are unreasonable in seeing him having a bruised ego as meaning it isn't about it damaging your marriage. A bruised ego is very capable of damaging your marriage and is probably one of the most common ways that open marriages are damaged.

I wasn’t suggesting you’re a bad mum, and I hope you didn’t get that from what I said. The point was to do with whether or not you actually believe that having an open relationship is fine. You might do a million things in a day and not feel the need to tell everyone everything, but if someone specifically asked: what did you get up to last night? Would you need to lie about it?

Maybe I had low self esteem? I agreed because I wanted to try it. It’s new and not really the norm I’m quite an open minded person.

DH has said to me it’s not what he wants anymore and I’m fine with stopping. I just came here for a bit of perspective not really an analysis on my self esteem.

I want to stay married to my husband.

Sorry Op, I can see it’s a sensitive topic. I just don’t think it’s possible to offer perspective without asking about some of the things you have said about your specific feelings about the situation. Not everyone that went into an open relationship would say “I didn’t think I would get so much attention” so I thought that was relevant.

eta: also, if you did go to see a therapist you would be asked some very probing questions about your feelings in all this.

Your husband wanted to sleep with other people without the guilt it's backfired as he didn't think that you would meet other people and find yourself again he is jealous that is all

Baaaahahaha that quote really does sum up the reality for lots of men in this situation doesn’t it. 😄😄😄

"Seeing a friend" is not a lie and it's all the truth they'd need.

The issue here isn't the kids.

What a stunningly predictable outcome. Heard this plenty of times before.

I just think all these open marriages eventually end in divorce. It's easy for women to get partners because these men will have sex with anyone and they aren't paying for the family things. Husbands and wife's think different about their other half's when they've been with other people.

@RosePoett What neither of us expected (including me) was that I’d also get attention. Quite a lot actually. I’m not talking about dozen of men throwing themselves at me, but enough that it genuinely surprised me after years of school runs, work,feeling invisible etc. I’ve gone on dates, had fun, felt attractive again for the first time in years

Sorry... you and your husband did not know that a sexually available woman would attract a lot of interest?

I'm struggling to believe this.

There's way too much speculation and judgement on this thread, and none of it is helpful.

OP, nobody on here can know your DH's motivation for wanting to close the marriage again. You need to properly talk to him and ask him what this "damage" he refers to actually is and how it's making him feel.

It's quite sad to read that neither of you expected that you'd get any male attention. It might be worth exploring why you and your DH believed prior to opening the marriage that you weren't desirable. I hope going forward that you can come to feel that you are as worthy and desirable as any person. I hope your DH can come to value you more as well.

This

Always

Always

Happens

I wouldn’t mind speaking to a licensed therapist/counsellor etc. I myself am a doctor different speciality to psychiatry but I work in an hospital and have been a doctor long enough to know enough to know I would be asked lots of probing questions. I spend my days asking probing questions.

I think some of the comments on my self esteem might be in good faith but a few are coming off very judgmental in my perspective.

So yes maybe I am insecure I didn’t think I was at least more than the average person but maybe I’m showing signs or I haven’t articulated myself properly on here.

I didn’t think I would get any attention I’m 40+ my life revolves around my children, house renovations etc not really on how I look and I don’t put much effort into how I look compared to say my 20s for instance not buying new clothes for myself for the last 7 or so years. Other people have gifted me stuff, but I haven’t gone out of my way to maybe even go to a clothes shop and try something new and buy it. That’s what I meant by not feeling attractive more so not putting in effort really or not having time to do that as much maybe I’d have liked to and I guess that’s affected my perception of myself. That is just an example.

Maybe I’m naive

@RosePoett you (and your husband) have damaged your marriage by doing what you've done. You know you have. If you don't want comments about any part of this, why did you post a thread?

It’s interesting that you didn’t think you would get attention but he always has. I wonder if he has led you to feel he is more attractive. I think you need to decide what you want to do, it’s not all about his wants. Personally I think an open marriage is going to lead to jealousy and insecurity for one person. It’s backfired for dh hasn’t it.

Maybe you’re right but as far as I’m aware the last 16 years he had not made me feel less attractive. Life just got to us. We both have very demanding jobs and I guess everything just became familiar and instead of working through that we chose to open a can of worms. Not our greatest idea but we tried it no shame in trying albeit not the way the majority of people would go about things

Wow OP you have had a lot of judgement in here!!
I just wanted to say I don’t think you have done anything wrong, I dabbled in and out of the swinging scene for years and there are plenty of people in happy open relationships. I met my partner on the scene and we were open for a good while, neither of us are bothered now but I wouldn’t rule it out.

what I will say is that often one partner seems to enjoy it more than the other… sometimes men and sometimes women, I’d say those who are fully on the same page are in the minority and it may well be your husband didn’t expect to struggle with jealousy the way he did. I think some men get caught up in the excitement of getting something “new” and don’t really anticipate that their partner may even enjoy it more than them.
Good on you for having some fun

I mentioned this to my DH and he said it's a tale as old as time. I'm sure your DH expected to have sex with loads of attractive women while you were at home.

I think you need to decide what to prioritise: your marriage or being able to have sex with lots of men.

Just to add a question... Do the men you've had sex with want casual sex as opposed to a relationship? If you wanted to continue with non-monogamy and your marriage broke down, would you be satisfied with perhaps not having a stable relationship?

Maybe we have then

I didn’t say I didn’t want comments about it. I think I’ve just perceived a few comments as judgmental or just unnecessary. People saying what do I tell my children etc, before this I never ever told my children about ny sex life with their father I didn’t think I had to.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. 🙄