AIBU to refuse living with in-laws after our move fell apart?

[MomofAM]

Okay this is going to be a long post but I am just so mentally exhausted and could really do with some advice.
Some back story: I (American) married my British husband in 2018. I had always told him that I don’t want to permanently settle in the UK, I like the quality of life in America and my family is also there. Unfortunately, we never ended up moving to America. Something which still breaks my heart to this day.
We lived in London for the first year of our marriage I just did not like it. I didn’t like how expensive or congested it was and people were just not friendly. My husband randomly got a job offer for Liverpool and moved there in 2019. We had two beautiful children here and lived a lovely home.
Summer 2025 my husband said that he got a job opportunity in which he could live either in Liverpool or London. We were torn! But then decided to move to London (Aldershot area) in the end. Reasons being, my husband’s family is all there and there is also a really massive Muslim community there, something which was really lacking in Liverpool.
We sold our beautiful house and broke chain to move to London.
The four of us temporarily moved into a tiny one bedroom flat (it was only supposed to be for one month) but our house sale fell through. We were so shocked. We then went for another house. We were meant to move in the first week of January but 4 days before the exchange, it fell through as well. The owners decided they didn’t want to sell anymore. The third time, we went for a new build. It’s going to be ready in July.
Now here is the worst part. The house we are buying is terraced whereas our house in Liverpool was detached. This house is an okay size but obviously smaller than our Liverpool one. I’ve struggled so much in the flat. I wanted to keep my kids in the same school they started at here so it takes me an after house just to get there in the mornings. I spend 2 hours a day doing school runs. All of my belongings and things are in storage. It’s been so hard. All of a sudden now, my husband has come to me and said that he’s miscalculated the finances and we can’t even afford the house we’re buying. He said we’d be paycheck to paycheck IF THAT. He’s now saying to me that why don’t we live with his parents for one year, get financially secure and then move. I can’t tell if he’s doing this because he wants to move back to Liverpool as he literally hates it here. The six years we were in Liverpool, he always used to say he would eventually want to move near his parents. Now that he’s here, he hates it. I would have been happy staying in Liverpool but I knew he wanted to move here and I got sick of trying to stop it from happening. Anyways yeah, after selling our beautiful 4 bedroom home, he’s now saying to me that we should move in with his parents for one year as buying this house would be financially impossible. I have no idea what to do. I’ve recommended we get a smaller house, but mortgage rates have gone up and monthly comes out to be similar. I really don’t want to live with my in-laws. My MIL doesn’t work and can be really overbearing.
I also do not like this area tbh. I loved Liverpool. I loved the friendliness and the convenience and the openness of it. But I’m unsure if we should move back for that reason. Should we stick it out for another few years to see if we end up liking it here? Would buying the house be a bad idea then? After living in a one bedroom flat for a year, would it be worth it to live with my in-laws for ONE YEAR and then just go back? Do I hate it here because of how dead and quiet and expensive it is or do I hate it because of the chaotic year we’ve had? I just don’t know what to do. I’m so upset about everything. I wish I’d never sold my dream home and come here.

You could buy a detached or semi in Aldershit for your budget.

Where is the money from the house sale? In your joint account or locked away by him in a separate account you can’t access without asking him?

Is it still there - has he spent it?

Did you actually live in London the first time? Or somewhere else completely that your DH told you was London??

Either you are not saying loudly enough how much you hate/like things or he is ignoring you. You have a communication issue.

Is he railroading you? Making you feel unheard ? That’s serious. I you are well able to communicate in writing, could you start doing that with him.

We lived in Worcester Park

If moving in with his parents is not an acceptable option for you, and I do agree that this is highly unlikely to be temporary, then this must be your line in the sand. You have suggested other options. Now I think you need to throw the ball back at him, state that it is not going to happen, and he must come up with solutions. Stand back and observe. It will be informative.

Do the two of you not need to take into consideration where his first permanent role as a GP will be?

If he is only in the training stage now, does that not mean that his first permanent appointment could be anywhere and a considerable distance from Aldershot?

He has put you in a TERRIBLE position.

Buying for 2 years is a waste of time in london.
You'll barely wipe your face.

If you can give some hard numbers on:
what cash you have ie deposit
How much the london house is
How much rent a 2 bed flat would be
I can do he maths and see if you have a financial case.

Because honestly after interest payments, cost of buying and costs of selling PLUS interest on deposit if you invested it for 2 years I'd be surprised if renting wasnt cheaper (and less hassle)

You are in london for 2 years now.
I would build a rational argument
Ie. He is okay with buying the terrace - renting is cheaper and less hassle here is the proof.

I personally wouldn’t buy in Aldershot, it’s not called Aldershit for no reason. It’s also a horrible place to be a Muslim right now and has been home to one or two right wing protests.

BUT there are other areas around there that I would. Farnborough is a bit better, fleet is ok.

Id make it clear that I’m not prepared to move in with in laws and given that you’re going to
have to pay to live somewhere would he prefer to rent or buy. As long as house prices at least remain static then buying is possibly your best choice, even in a new build.

In fairness to your husband his miscalculating may well be down to not initially fully understanding the cost of living difference between Liverpool area and Hampshire. We moved from Dorset to and it shocked us!

She says in her original post she is in Aldershot, NOT London (despite her apparently thinking it is part of London).

Agree it's not worth buying for two years. I doubt you'd make any profit at all in this market.

I worry that you have no agency over your life. You don't work full time and it doesn't sound like you have the means to support yourself should you leave. Everything seems to be up to your husband to decide. You don't know the family finances and certainly don't seem to have a say in them. Are you happy with this? What can you do about it? Is he reasonable, if you sat down with him and insisted that things change going forwards - you get a full time job, you have access to all family money, you are equal in the decision making?

I’m also worried you seem to have no say in any of this. No idea what your finances are and you think you are in London yet you are in Aldershot. Miles away from London! I wouldn’t even say Worcester Park was London though at least it’s a little closer.

I live 10 mins away from Aldershot. I’m also a secondary school teacher in the local area so know it well, including teaching kids who live in Aldershot. No wonder you are upset, and I also wouldn’t count it as London, although knowing a lot of Americans I can see where there could be confusion as it’s under an hour to central London on the train.

As other posters have mentioned, there are some nicer areas around the Hampshire / Surrey border if it’s the town of Aldershot that is putting you and DH off. Fleet, Farnham, Guildford etc.

I am also a bit confused about the Muslim aspect as Aldershot was / is notorious for being extremely right wing and against immigrants - it was one of the towns that had riots in the summer. I wouldn’t want to live there for this reason, especially if I was a Muslim.

What hospital does your partner work in? Is it somewhere like Frimley Park or Royal Surrey or one of the top ones in London (central)?

I would try and convince him and rent somewhere. House prices around here are insane. And then move sharply back to Liverpool where it seems you would be happier. Do not move in with in laws, recipe for disaster.

@MomofAM

OP, you said on your other thread that you teach.

Are you in a position to apply for a teaching job in your subject in a school?

It would be a good move for a whole range of reasons.

Aldershot isn’t in London and it’s a shit hole. I can see why you’d hate it after living in a vibrant city like Liverpool. Not a chance in hell I’d move in with his parents and you’ll need to be really forceful about that, otherwise you could end up stuck there for years. I’d tell him he can do what he wants but you’re going back to Liverpool.

Go back to Liverpool. There is no way I'd ever be living with inlaws......Id rather live on the moon.

The house is a new build terraced in Wellesley (which is like the newer part of Aldershot). The house is actually right at the end of Aldershot so kind of on the border of Aldershot, Farnborough, Fleet. My kids don’t do go to school in Aldershot anyways, they go to a school in Fleet. Aldershot schools didn’t seem that good to me.

It’s £564,000 but they’re giving us 18k towards stamp duty. We have £60,000 for the deposit but may borrow some from his dad. The mortgage payment per month will be £2,090. Other than that, there’s a council tax, estate fee, bills, groceries, kids extracurriculars, car payment etc. He will be making £4,500 per month during GP training (2 more years of this) then he can even locum GP so the pay will rise quite a bit.

Wellesley looks like a nice area, OP.

https://www.wellesleyhampshire.co.uk/

South Asian Muslim with young kids? I wouldn’t say I assumed she worked, I would more likely assume she is a SAHM (same as a lot of American and British Christians I know)

In your scenario I would plan now for the move back to Liverpool in 2 years. Could you buy in Liverpool now and rent the house out for 2 years, use the rental income to cover renting a slightly bigger place where you are for that 2 years.

Your husband has moved the goalposts frequently and you have already compromised a lot for his preferences and career. Yanbu to have your needs considered alongside his.

Don’t borrow money off the FIL!

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It's a soulless new estate.

Using chatgpt and I ve made some assumptions...

Mortgage: ~£504,000 (564k - the deposit)
Term: 40 years
Monthly payment: ~£2,090
Interest rate: roughly 4%

Over the first 2 years:

Total paid: about £50,160
Of that, roughly £39,000–£40,000 would be interest
Only about £10,000–£11,000 would reduce the mortgage balance

That ignores selling and solicitors (lets call that £6k)

Meaning:
You could spend 2k per month on rent and still be in the same financial position without the stress and hassle of having to sell.
Your bills would be lower and If you invest the 60k youd conservative make 5k after tax

Again : shitty chatpgpt so take it with a pinch but....
Aldershot rentals...
2-bed home/flat: ~£1,300–£1,500 pcm
3-bed family house: ~£1,800–£1,900 pcm

By my maths LOGICALLY if he is happy with buying the terrace house - great!
Because Renting is an even better option so if he is okay for the house purchase he is okay to rent.
Renting is financially advantageous (as above) vs buying AND puts you in a stronger position when you go to buy in Liverpool as no chain. If you arent staying in Aldershot theres no good reason to buy.

There are many pros to this vs buying.

This is an argument I wouldnt back down on and I would die on this proverbial hill.

Living with my in laws would be a hard line for me

This is a great idea.