AIBU to refuse living with in-laws after our move fell apart?

[MomofAM]

Okay this is going to be a long post but I am just so mentally exhausted and could really do with some advice.
Some back story: I (American) married my British husband in 2018. I had always told him that I don’t want to permanently settle in the UK, I like the quality of life in America and my family is also there. Unfortunately, we never ended up moving to America. Something which still breaks my heart to this day.
We lived in London for the first year of our marriage I just did not like it. I didn’t like how expensive or congested it was and people were just not friendly. My husband randomly got a job offer for Liverpool and moved there in 2019. We had two beautiful children here and lived a lovely home.
Summer 2025 my husband said that he got a job opportunity in which he could live either in Liverpool or London. We were torn! But then decided to move to London (Aldershot area) in the end. Reasons being, my husband’s family is all there and there is also a really massive Muslim community there, something which was really lacking in Liverpool.
We sold our beautiful house and broke chain to move to London.
The four of us temporarily moved into a tiny one bedroom flat (it was only supposed to be for one month) but our house sale fell through. We were so shocked. We then went for another house. We were meant to move in the first week of January but 4 days before the exchange, it fell through as well. The owners decided they didn’t want to sell anymore. The third time, we went for a new build. It’s going to be ready in July.
Now here is the worst part. The house we are buying is terraced whereas our house in Liverpool was detached. This house is an okay size but obviously smaller than our Liverpool one. I’ve struggled so much in the flat. I wanted to keep my kids in the same school they started at here so it takes me an after house just to get there in the mornings. I spend 2 hours a day doing school runs. All of my belongings and things are in storage. It’s been so hard. All of a sudden now, my husband has come to me and said that he’s miscalculated the finances and we can’t even afford the house we’re buying. He said we’d be paycheck to paycheck IF THAT. He’s now saying to me that why don’t we live with his parents for one year, get financially secure and then move. I can’t tell if he’s doing this because he wants to move back to Liverpool as he literally hates it here. The six years we were in Liverpool, he always used to say he would eventually want to move near his parents. Now that he’s here, he hates it. I would have been happy staying in Liverpool but I knew he wanted to move here and I got sick of trying to stop it from happening. Anyways yeah, after selling our beautiful 4 bedroom home, he’s now saying to me that we should move in with his parents for one year as buying this house would be financially impossible. I have no idea what to do. I’ve recommended we get a smaller house, but mortgage rates have gone up and monthly comes out to be similar. I really don’t want to live with my in-laws. My MIL doesn’t work and can be really overbearing.
I also do not like this area tbh. I loved Liverpool. I loved the friendliness and the convenience and the openness of it. But I’m unsure if we should move back for that reason. Should we stick it out for another few years to see if we end up liking it here? Would buying the house be a bad idea then? After living in a one bedroom flat for a year, would it be worth it to live with my in-laws for ONE YEAR and then just go back? Do I hate it here because of how dead and quiet and expensive it is or do I hate it because of the chaotic year we’ve had? I just don’t know what to do. I’m so upset about everything. I wish I’d never sold my dream home and come here.

This is a serial poster. Posts about the same situation but changes details each time.

Yes, I see! Do you think we get daft 'details' like Aldershot-London to wind us up a bit?

Does miscalculation of finances mean the bank would give what your husband assumed it would?

I don't think OP is grounded in any type of reality to be honest.

I think you and the kids should move back to Liverpool while he does his training. He can stay with his parents during the week and be with the family at weekends. It's not like you'll be at opposite sides of the world. Lots of couples have this sort of relationship and it'll only be 2 years. Definitely don't move in with the ILs, especially if MIL is overbearing. You'll be desperate to get out after the first week.

@SparklyGlitterballs , his hours won't be Monday to Friday.

I think this is the best compromise and its about time he started doing some compromise. So far, it seems to be all about him and what suits him. I have to echo other posters, HOW did he screw up finances so much that he didn't know if you couldn't afford the house? I have to confess, I leave finances up to my husband, he's really good with money and I am not and this is not a mistake he would ever make. It's not a mistake I would make! You need to be having a hard conversation with this man and take a bit of control, he's not up to the job.

I would tell him he can live with his mum another two years, and you will go back to Liverpool. He can join you once he has completed his training.

You loved Liverpool, move back.

Personally I’d move back, and he can then ask to move areas in his GP programme as he has caring responsibilities in Liverpool

This!
I live in Liverpool. My dd and sil are Muslims. There is a big Muslim community, there is a ton of halal eateries and a lot of mosques. Aldershot isn’t in London at all, it’s in Hampshire and I’d be amazed if it’s anything like as multicultural as Liverpool so none of this post makes much sense.
if you have to stay for two years I’d rent. Living with the in laws sounds grim!

Buy a house in Liverpool. Your husband can stay with his parents, and travel back to Liverpool every weekend. Lots of people work away for the week and make it work, even with children. You don’t seem to like where you live, and you will be miserable living with in-laws for a year.

I don’t think I’d want him to be my GP if he can’t calculate how much you can afford to buy a house. It seems everything has been what he wants, when do you get to do what you want?

1. Rent for two years, save as much as you can and then move back to Liverpool

2. Buy a house in Liverpool now and rent it out for 2 years, while you rent in London and then move back.

3. Buy a house in Liverpool now, you and the children move back there and DH lives with his parents for 2 years

Those would be the only options that would suit you both so pick the best one.

Carry on renting for the next 2 years. But find somewhere with a little more space and nearer to your DC's school. Or change their school so you spend less time driving them about and maybe make some connections/friendships with other parents.Then move back to Liverpool if that's what you both want. Forget about buying, at the moment and that will remove one source of stress. The only reason for moving in with in-laws would be if they could help with school run/childcare and that would allow you to improve your earnings. Also, get more involved with your household finances.

Do you have a job?

I know that it's expensive but rent for 2 years and then go back to Liverpool.

I’m confused as to how you didn’t understand what you could and couldn’t afford, did you not visit the mortgage advisor together? Surely budget is something you discussed before looking at houses and looked at the affordability for finances. Do you work? If not get a job and make the housing you want more affordable. Can you get an interest only mortgage for the time your husband is training? Or maybe you move back to Liverpool with the kids whilst your husband works in London?

Can you move to Liverpool with the children and buy a house?
He lives with his parents for the two years?

I would find this very hard to forgive.
What a mess.
Do not move in with your inlaws.

He sounds like an awful fool.

Well, has he not spun a nice little web around you. Gets you out of your own Country and moves you to his then ....

He controls all the finances, sets you up in a nice detached property where you get comfortable, gets you pregnant twice, moves you and then, tells you nothing is now affordable because of his job.

Admittedly that would be correct moving from Liverpool to London in that there is absolutely no way you could afford a detached property however, certainly something could be within your budget and a two bed terraced house will not loose its value if bought in the right area. I would also question that there are no moving fees etc. allocated by the employer as this is normal in some occupations.

You could equally move out of London by a half hour where prices are significantly lower than London prices. Some parts of Essex for example are only a half hour to Stratford where there are Tube and DLR lines.

The fact he wants you now in the control of his parents house raises major red flags for me and, I am very surprised not one person on here has questioned that given your Religious background.

How sad that there is not one person on here that will question what is happening to you. Shame on you all.

You sound like you have no idea of your finances yet, somehow managed to have signed for a mortgage that allowed for a detached property originally unless that is not the case. I cannot see anywhere on your posts that you say you work.

I would be very very careful now about what you agree to. It sounds like your children were born in the UK and that also needs to be considered. Your chances of going back to the US sound very slim and I am very sorry for you for that.

If there is anyone on here that could give proper advice, offer some links for this lady please do that. There must be someone.

You could buy in Liverpool and you live there with the children while he stays with his parents until he's finished his training. He can visit when he has time off and move back with you afterwards

@MomofAM

Is he a commissioned Medical Officer with the Army, OP?

Could you move back to Liverpool and he stay most weekends? And he lives with his parents during the week?
I know it’s not ideal and culturally I’m not sure how it’d go down - but would muddling through like that give you everything you need until his trainings done?

Buy a house in Liverpool and he can visit at weekends ? Then he moves back up when he’s finished the training. Moving in with in laws when you are already unhappy is a recipe for disaster.

Forgive me if I'm wrong but I think you have been manipulated into moving in with his family, and that this was the plan all along. I hope I'm wrong and things eventually work out well for you 🙂