AIBU to refuse living with in-laws after our move fell apart?

[MomofAM]

Okay this is going to be a long post but I am just so mentally exhausted and could really do with some advice.
Some back story: I (American) married my British husband in 2018. I had always told him that I don’t want to permanently settle in the UK, I like the quality of life in America and my family is also there. Unfortunately, we never ended up moving to America. Something which still breaks my heart to this day.
We lived in London for the first year of our marriage I just did not like it. I didn’t like how expensive or congested it was and people were just not friendly. My husband randomly got a job offer for Liverpool and moved there in 2019. We had two beautiful children here and lived a lovely home.
Summer 2025 my husband said that he got a job opportunity in which he could live either in Liverpool or London. We were torn! But then decided to move to London (Aldershot area) in the end. Reasons being, my husband’s family is all there and there is also a really massive Muslim community there, something which was really lacking in Liverpool.
We sold our beautiful house and broke chain to move to London.
The four of us temporarily moved into a tiny one bedroom flat (it was only supposed to be for one month) but our house sale fell through. We were so shocked. We then went for another house. We were meant to move in the first week of January but 4 days before the exchange, it fell through as well. The owners decided they didn’t want to sell anymore. The third time, we went for a new build. It’s going to be ready in July.
Now here is the worst part. The house we are buying is terraced whereas our house in Liverpool was detached. This house is an okay size but obviously smaller than our Liverpool one. I’ve struggled so much in the flat. I wanted to keep my kids in the same school they started at here so it takes me an after house just to get there in the mornings. I spend 2 hours a day doing school runs. All of my belongings and things are in storage. It’s been so hard. All of a sudden now, my husband has come to me and said that he’s miscalculated the finances and we can’t even afford the house we’re buying. He said we’d be paycheck to paycheck IF THAT. He’s now saying to me that why don’t we live with his parents for one year, get financially secure and then move. I can’t tell if he’s doing this because he wants to move back to Liverpool as he literally hates it here. The six years we were in Liverpool, he always used to say he would eventually want to move near his parents. Now that he’s here, he hates it. I would have been happy staying in Liverpool but I knew he wanted to move here and I got sick of trying to stop it from happening. Anyways yeah, after selling our beautiful 4 bedroom home, he’s now saying to me that we should move in with his parents for one year as buying this house would be financially impossible. I have no idea what to do. I’ve recommended we get a smaller house, but mortgage rates have gone up and monthly comes out to be similar. I really don’t want to live with my in-laws. My MIL doesn’t work and can be really overbearing.
I also do not like this area tbh. I loved Liverpool. I loved the friendliness and the convenience and the openness of it. But I’m unsure if we should move back for that reason. Should we stick it out for another few years to see if we end up liking it here? Would buying the house be a bad idea then? After living in a one bedroom flat for a year, would it be worth it to live with my in-laws for ONE YEAR and then just go back? Do I hate it here because of how dead and quiet and expensive it is or do I hate it because of the chaotic year we’ve had? I just don’t know what to do. I’m so upset about everything. I wish I’d never sold my dream home and come here.

To be fair, to Americans Aldershot would probably be described as “just outside” London and York to the Lake District is “popping to” or “fun detour” distance for them. The US is so massive that they have vastly different ideas of what constitutes near and far or reasonable/unreasonable for driving. I’ve a friend that regularly says things like “only a 12 hour drive” which… I mean, I respect their stamina I guess. 😂

That said, I don’t think OP should move anywhere else with her deceitful husband until he comes clean about the finances and housing situation. And an absolute no to moving in with the in-laws regardless.

How on earth do you realise after you’ve bought the house, that you actually can’t afford it?

😐Yes not London at all. It is known for the military - if there is any left
and apparently has some rougher areas.

He may not be able to move back to Liverpool, but you can. So leave him there with his parents and you move back.

Agree with another poster - Aldershot is most definitely NOT London!

I'm surprised he would have to do so much training to move to the US - I knew someone who worked in nursing in the US (a Brit) and she didn’t have to do any additional training.

Nursing is different to medical. I would expect at least exams and a year or two training, minumum, to convert from UK GP to US family medicine ( which are quite different ). Thete's also no force in the world that would convince me to work in US healthcare.

Aldershot is in Hampshire. It is not even a suburb of London.

Is your DH also South Asian? Is this a ruse to get you to live with his parents, forever?

Something is very wrong here if he isn't being up front about family finances.

Is the simple compromise not to rent for a couple of years and chuck the kids into the nearest school?

The story doesn't stack whichever way I look at it. Also, if the DC are at school, why can't you get a little job to help you put down roots, or at least volunteer?ǰ

Moving in with the In-laws is definitely not the way to go. It's a marraige killer. You'll feel restricted with no privacy or space or autonomy. Would finding something bigger/more appropriate to rent for the next two years be an option, then putting money into a high interest saver for 18-24 months. Then move back to Liverpool and buy then.

There seems little point buying in the south if you plan to move back north in a short period of time. Are you not committed to the purchase if it’s only 2 months off being completed?

Would going back to live in Liverpool while he stays for his 2 year course in London be an option?

I did a 2 year course many many years ago (different field) in Manchester, I didn’t have ties to back home so I moved there but my colleague drove back every Friday to his family back in London so his wife and children didn’t need to move. He would come back up to Manchester either every Sunday night or early Monday mornings. I think his DS was 8 at the time and his DD was 5.
You can’t afford the new home and I don’t think living with his family would be pleasant in the slightest.

Do you work? I think he is making all the decisions and is trying to pretend you have some say in it. He wants to do what is important to him culturally, I.e., live with his family and he is trying to break it to you gently but I’m sure that was always his plan when you left Liverpool. You won’t have any power until you are earning . Sounds to me you’re in a no win situation although I’d be delighted if your response proves me wrong. Best wishes to you.

Posters might be correct, is this his plan to get you to be his parents skivvy?

He certainly has tricked you to move and now money problems.

I wouldn't trust him.
If you moved into his parents home with the children, could he prevent them.leaving with you if you weren't happy?

A man who has promised much but has messed you about is not someone to trust.

I think you need to be very very bad minded and protect yourself.

Update:

I have spoken to my husband. He says he doesn’t want us to buy in Liverpool because mortgage rates have gone up and also, he doesn’t want to do long distance as he would be away from the kids. I then said let’s a buy a super cheap like 2 bedroom flat here which we could sell and move back in 2 years and he said no to that as well. I also suggested we just rent a small 2 bedroom and he said it would be a waste of money. He said living at his parent’s house is the only way he could save THOUSANDS in a year and he doesn’t understand why it’s such a big issue to me if it’s only temporary.
I think if I’ve only been given two options: buy an unaffordable house or move in with in-laws… I’ll go for getting the house and just work as well. I do work part-time but I wanted to quit as we wanted to have another baby. Clearly that will not be happening now.
I also have a feeling if I agree to moving with in-laws, it will not be for just one year. His training is two years and although he’s CLAIMING he’ll transfer back to Liverpool in that second year, I have a feeling he most definitely will not.

I think I’ve also realized through all of this that he is one of those people who thinks the grass is always greener on the other side. When he was in Liverpool, he wanted to move nearer to his parents. Did my head in for 6 years about it. Now he’s near his parents, he wants to move back to Liverpool. He’s done this with plenty of other things as well. Also, maybe he doesn’t want to move back to Liverpool as badly as he claims. Considering I’ve said let’s do long distance for a bit and he’s not agreeing.

Your dh has been leading you on ever since you married him. I’m so sorry you ended up stuck in the Uk when you wanted to live in the US. I know Aldershot and I wouldn’t really want to live there myself. Is that where the kids are in school?

I definitely would not have another baby until you are sure the housing situation is settled. I’d wait the two years til dh finishes training before even considering ttc.

Why don’t you get a say in this? What does your dh think about renting a house near your children’s school (within say a 5 minute walk) and you returning to work full time?

I think you have to put your foot down. Once you’re in your MiL’s house it will be impossible to leave.

@MomofAM I agree with you and @Belinnda that you should put your plans to TTC on hold for the moment. If you decide to return to work to increase your income in order to get a house you can afford, it would harder with another DC. If you decide you have no choice but to move in with the ILs ( 😱 ) that would also be more challenging with another DC.

@MomofAM just move back to the US with the kids while he figures is all out. Come back once he’s decided to stop messing you about, has decided where he’s happy to settle down and once he’s bought a property in said area. He can live his parents, and save his thousands, in the meantime.

I’ve also researched and according to the internet, house prices in the North are rising but they are not as much in the South. We bought our house in Liverpool for £300,000 and sold it for £430,000 after 4 years. So is it worth it to buy a four bedroom terraced house for £564,000 in Aldershot and then try to sell it like 2 years later (if we move back two years later)? Will it even sell for the price we got it for? I’ve honestly never felt so uncertain and stressed.

After the update and signs that this had been posted about before, I don’t believe any of this. Enjoy half term

Do not move in with the in-laws. Buy a smaller house that you can afford and ideally has potential (like a 2 bed you can extend or do-up). See how things go- you might like it more than you think. Don’t TTC until you’re a bit more settled. Take more of a role in the family finances and try to earn some of your own money ASAP.

I have not posted about this before. I get no enjoyment in faking a miserable situation nor do I have the time for that. I would love to not be in this situation. I accidentally posted this same thread twice but deleted the other one. I didn’t do it on purpose.

Buying a house with the idea of reselling in two years time l don't think make sense economically as you will have to pay stamp duty, solicitors fee etc and you can't guarantee that the property will increase in value, nobody knows how the economy will be in 2 years time and you could sell at a loss. I would rent with a view to purchase a property back in Liverpool ASAP.

He isn't trustworthy.

If you move in with his parents can you leave with the children alone?

I bet you won't be able to legally.

You wouldn't be the first woman duped and stuck by a dishonest man.

I believe you are bring manipulated.

Call Womens aid and ask for help.
Seek legal advice.

Good men do not do this.
Dishonest liars do.

Do not even consider moving in with his parents until you are sure you can move out.

The courts would see his family home as safe and stable for the children and you would be forced to stay or leave alone.

This is what men like him do.
You are being played and manipulated.

I have read similar before on here.

Be very wary.
Do not trust him.

Keep saying no, no, no.

See if he grts increasingly angry.
If he does, it will prove that this was his plan all along.

I wouldn't risk moving in for one night.

Do you work? How are you not aware of how much you can afford on a house?

I was in the London borough of the New Forest the other day and it was lovely!

Do you have access to all the finances? Can you see if hes telling the truth about not being able to afford the new house? Im sorry but I dont trust your husband. It sounds like hes trying to force a situation where you have to live with his parents. And I dont believe for a second that it will only be for a year. Do not agree to it. Not even for a week.

The population of Liverpool is over half a million, the population of Aldershot is about 40,000.

Go back to Liverpool you like it there and it's much cheaper than London. You hated London the first time and it hasn't got better. Living with in laws will be a disaster.