AIBU to think a twin parent should contribute per child?

[TheMumEdit]

Interested in how other people approach. We do a group collection for the school teacher every year. Another mum and I tend to take turns. Offered out to the rest but oddly no one else wants a turn! . We put in £10 each which is what we all agreed. . Two mums in the year have twins. One mum pays per child (so £20) and the other pays £10 total so £5 per child.

I’ve never really thought about it but the other mum that’s turn it is think we should say we’ve only received one contribution. The more I think about it the more I thinks she a bit cheeky but after 6 years don’t see the point in saying now. This mum is quite well off (one a Dr and one equal in terms of salary) whilst most other parents are on much lower salaries.

AIBU: don’t say
YANBU Say gives more money 😉

How is it fair to exclude some children because their parents can’t afford as much?

fair would be everyone included, donate what you can. Otherwise don’t paint it as a whole class present!

I’m a twin mum, and I do generally give double. However, a teachers gift should be a donation. We never set an amount when it’s coming towards end of term. One year I didn’t contribute as much because I didn’t rate the teacher one bit. But I didn’t feel that I couldn’t contribute at all. It makes no difference what the occupation is of the parents. You have no idea their financial situation.

I have done way more than my fair share of class collections - I leave folk to contribute what they can afford and the present is from the whole class regardless as I have no idea of others finances. Last time the contributions ranged between £0 and £30.

I think YABU to fix an amount and sign specific names, she does sound like one of life’s all fur coat and no knickers people - but pulling her up on it won’t end up well for you I’d imagine!

People should contribute what they are willing and able to and that be less than you.

YABVU

and saying something would be prime arseholeness

OP I dont think you can compare the cost of twins in the same way as two under two (or 13 months apart). You can still hand down and share clothes. They’ll have different interests and hobbies where as twins all come at the very same time, school trips etc aren’t staggered for twins. I’m not saying it’s cheap, but it certainly isn’t comparable.

Having said that, I think you can provide a guide of £10 but can’t and should not dictate it. I also think it’s very mean to say “you can’t be part of the gift giving gang if it isn’t the exact amount”. Those donating £30 could say the same to you only doing £10 etc. Irrespective of how wealthy you think she is, maybe she hasn’t got any left as she keeps buying all those material things you mention? You simply don’t know.

There is a woman at my school who makes a song and dance from donating vouchers from her business and tells everyone the face value to make it sound like she’s donating say £140. In reality the vouchers are for a service that a teacher wouldn’t ever use, and never use, so she isn’t actually donating anything. We get the fan fare every year. I’m unsure why she needs to tell us. Nobody else informs anyone as to the donated amount and nobody asks. Just have to let it go. Is what is it. I’ve donated more this year as more TAs than last year.

She's already giving more than I would

Yeah but this mum has “opted out” of half, and you’re on mumsnet calling her cheeky.

So out of all the mums she was the one who suggested the £10? None of the others? You specifically remember this from six years ago?
Contributions should not be a fixed amount they should be private.

As a teacher I would be horrified at the conversation about this parent.

Why is the amount dictated? It isn’t a gift if it’s forced. Some might want to give less and others might choose to give more. Take the pressure away!

Just seen your replies, I cannot believe school culture like this exists in the UK.

A thank you card is for the teacher, not as proof of generosity or a pat on the back for the parents. Every name should included as a thank you for the teacher, unless a student asks for it not to be. And the amount someone gives should not affect that - especially if they have given something.

By being so dictatorial you are taking away the spirit of generosity. If you begrudge the amount you give, give less yourself. Otherwise I would encourage you to keep your eyes on your own affairs.

You say you are following how it has always been - maybe it is time for a change. And by the way, fair does not mean equal and you aren’t in a position to judge what is fair for someone else as you only have a snapshot - and a few social media posts - into their life.

I’m confused- it’s a collection as in optional, at the school I’m at some mum don’t contribute? I bet twins costs a lot of money and it doesn’t matter if they have good jobs, money is relative. Meaning that their mortage can be more-there childcare cost can be more, I know some people who earn more on benefits than work nowadays. Especially if there having there rent, childcare and council tax taken care of by benefits.

It was a suggestion of a group gift and that’s what everyone said. I meant she was one of the group who stipulated. I wasn’t part of the group chat so only going on what I was told.

I actually think £10 per child is way ott for a teachers gift ffs,how many kids are in the class? Let's say 20/25 I think a couple of quid each would suffice, get her a bouquet or him something male appropriate.
There are alot of parents that wouldn't be able to afford £10, thats a family meal. I think youre putting people, in an awkward position, irrespective of twins

A £10 flat rate is madness. Teachers mean different things to different families anyway. There are children who I have had more of an impact on in a year than others. It was the same with my children’s primary teachers. Some of them I really felt went above and beyond for my children, whereas others we didn’t have such a connection with. I wouldn’t expect every family in my class to chip in the same amount. I’d actually prefer they spent the money on their own kids seeing as I get paid to be there, but that’s another post…

So secondary evidence then? So she might have said at the time: "I think it should be per family if you don't mind, thank you." You don't get to decide to have an only child if your womb/related malarkey decide twins is a fun idea. You don't get to do hand-me-downs of clothes and toys from an older sibling, and pushchairs, and beds, and nursery and toddler classes, and extra-curricular stuff. So it isn't the same as just having an older or a younger sibling. Everything costs double, at the same time. Schools are amongst those who at least sometimes recognise this and offer a "family" contribution. This mother has decided her family's donation is just that. Twins aside, £10 for a group gift is quite a lot IMO.

Jesus Christ. She already has double the costs of everything raising twins, give her a break.

Our school never put twins in the same class, so we've always had two teachers to contribute too. I've just paid for our football coaches gift, twice as much as everyone else which is totally fair.

You can't just assume peoples finances just because of their jobs. Drs have a hell lot of fees to pay and debt along the way, as a nurse I know a lot of drs aren't well off until they're consultants (the junior ones are on similar wages to nurses!). A gift is a gift and people shouldn't be forced or guilted into paying more than what they want. Mine starts school this year and I won't be contributing more than £5 a gift, maybe £10 but only if they've been beyond helpful or something to our child's needs or any problems that crop up

I have one child's class that has a set up like this, another in a class where we do our own thing. I hate the organised gift. Such a big show by the organisers at the end of term, all the children want to be on the card so you feel pressured into contributing, not gifts I'd choose (once it was an item with the names of only the children whose parents had contributed on it - it was awful).
Can you be sure that the twin mum is not doing something extra? That's what I do to say thank you on an individual basis (just a letter with a small box of chocs). She may be saying thank you in the way that she chooses as well.

Honestly, being a twin parent must be so expensive and so difficult in lots of ways that I'd be willing to cut them some slack.

I’m a twin mum who would pay double, but this comment alone makes you unreasonable.

You no doubt got to enjoy two lots of maternity leave, possibly saving on child care for your eldest, were able to buy one infant car seat and then everything else one at a time. I’m sure you would have been able to reuse clothes and toys. School uniforms were likely handed down.

The cost of twins is astronomical- to me it’s been one of the hardest things about having them. 2 car seats, 2 cots, a double buggy, 2 high chairs. Having to kit out 2 uniforms, 2 winter snowsuits, 2 lots of wet weather gear etc etc every single year when other parents most likely reuse all of those things.

But that aside, it’s a voluntary collection. People should give what they can afford. At least, that’s how it should be.

This does seem like a very minor thing to care about.

I doubt the teacher gives a moment’s thought to whether the contributions are per child or per family. I can certainly see a per family argument too as it’s really the parents giving the gift.

If you really want to get into a fair policy why not require contributions to be per parent... or based on tax bracket…

(I am not a twin mum)

You know she has a lavish life style so she's being stingy and a CF. I would write a message in the group chat and ask if her contribution was for Anna or for Stella so that you know which name to put in the card.

Im a twin mum - I either don’t contribute at all as I think it’s ridiculous to donate hundreds of pounds to someone doing their actual job or I’ll contribute (if I think they might actually have gone above and beyond) as one amount not per child.

Twins allow schools to go over their PAN numbers so in many instances the school classes twins as one child when it suits them so I’m only doing the same

Couldn’t agree more. The gift is a thank you from the
parents/carers, not the children. £10 from the twin Mum is perfectly acceptable and generous.

How mean of you OP to be totting up who contributed what. And the kind of lifestyle a family has should have no bearings on what you judge as an acceptable contribution. Be grateful for what has been donated, I am sure the teacher will be.