AIBU to think a twin parent should contribute per child?

[TheMumEdit]

Interested in how other people approach. We do a group collection for the school teacher every year. Another mum and I tend to take turns. Offered out to the rest but oddly no one else wants a turn! . We put in £10 each which is what we all agreed. . Two mums in the year have twins. One mum pays per child (so £20) and the other pays £10 total so £5 per child.

I’ve never really thought about it but the other mum that’s turn it is think we should say we’ve only received one contribution. The more I think about it the more I thinks she a bit cheeky but after 6 years don’t see the point in saying now. This mum is quite well off (one a Dr and one equal in terms of salary) whilst most other parents are on much lower salaries.

AIBU: don’t say
YANBU Say gives more money 😉

Perhaps she can’t afford more?

This is the point at the heart of things.

The OP believes everyone 'agreed'. In reality there is little way to disagree, certainly not without embarrassment or others strong arming saying it doesn't seem enough. The social pressure to agree to more than you can afford is enormous and it's so depressing when you have individuals who fail to recognise this.

The parents who are struggling to afford things are often also not 'the poor parents' either. It can often be families who are more middle income but don't qualify for benefits who are stretched by increasing bills or had an unexpected expense that month for whatever reason. They can't claim poverty but this doesn't mean they have a high disposable income for items like this to come out of. For reasons I am aware of some of the families that are struggling financially locally and it's really not the ones you might expect.

When doing collections like this, stressing for others that it's incredibly difficult to object to a group saying they have 'agreed' £10 is really important. I don't like this expectation as it's unfair and always try to remind about it - I can pay but still object to this entitled expectation and the blindness to the problem. It's completely ignorant.

No one wants to be put in the position of a choice of looking tight, looking like they are not willing to participating or going short or being unable to pay bills.

As a rule I try and opt out of class donations and do my own thing - it part because it helps to give others an option to opt out more easily if they want and do comment that the amount should not be set at more than £2 but anyone can donate more if they wish on principle, to try to prevent others being put into the position where the tone deaf parents have this concept of 'everyone agreed'. No, everyone did not 'agree'; you were just the loud parents dominating the conversation who are lacking in social awareness.

This thread has renewed my faith in mumsnetters! Yes the odd person agreeing with the OP but overwhelming consensus is…. Nasty, judgy OP.

You shouldn’t take on roles like this @TheMumEdit . Stay on the sidelines

And as a twin mum this sort of thread is the exact reason I always gave twice because I never wanted to be judged by the mum police. Always sent two presents to parties. Had enough to deal with without being judged by other parents.

I'm sure the teacher would hate to think their gift has caused bad feeling

Yes. And I can now see why some schools have a 'no gifts'rule.

Poor twin mums! You can't make anyone give anything

No you don’t, what’s wrong with you? You say thank you and move on.

She probably interprets the gift rule as £10 per family.

The teachers are not going to be thinking - "how much did I receive per child?" are they?

So whatever, OP, it doesn't matter.

When mine were at primary, there was a 'suggested' amount of £30 for end of year gifts. But if someone had given £30 rather than £60 for twins, they wouldn't have been pulled up on it!

YABU

When my kids were in primary I often coordinated the collection. People donated what they wanted/ could afford with 10 suggested as upper limit. Some gave nothing. All kids signed the card I couldn't give a toss who or what parents contributed it's a token thank you to the teacher. I also didn't rat out those who gave nothing or very little. If things were going to be judged and discussed so openly with the parents organising I would not be involved at all and just buy my own gift.

Absolutely, and that sounds lovely. I'm not sure my reception age child could have got that organised 😂
But I typed up the messaged from each parent and put it in the teachers and teaching assistants cards, as you said I think that means much more than a voucher.
And we never said how much each parent should give. There is one parent who gives £100 each time - I thought she had meant to give £10 and put an extra 0 on by mistake so messaged her to check, but no, she had wanted to give £100. And several that give £2 -£5 as thats what they can afford. I don't think comments should be made on how much people give.

@Bushmillsbabe My reception aged child was a force of nature and is still quite something at 19. She's incredibly focused and efficient when she wants to be. I am frequently hopelessly disorganised so not sure how this happened. I think she just came that way!

It was the same in our class, some people gave loads, some nothing, some a pound or two. We were all fine with that. Being grateful doesn't have a monetary value.

I hated the end of term collections, made me feel like a cash machine.

Leave her be.

I wonder if @TheMumEdit feels even slightly sheepish having read the responses. Unlikely but possible I suppose

In principle she should pay per child. That said, I don’t agree with a set contribution- it’s not inclusive, and it’s up to each parent to decide what to contribute to a class gift 🤷🏼‍♀️. Does it matter if one child contributes £5 and another child £10? I’d change your approach. You may find some parents contribute more, some less, so what? The teacher will be grateful and doesn’t need to know who
put it what (I doubt they’d care).

Maybe ask what the teacher would want. I’m a teacher and I’d be horrified if this was going on. Why on earth are you charging for a collection. If people want to contribute towards a gift it should be just that a contribution but my goodness no one should be forced to contribute or told how much.
All teachers I know would be happy with a handmade card from the child. Please do not do this!

Their jobs and what you think they can contribute mean sweet FA - I work in the debt business and I can assure you many folk in high end/paid jobs have debt coming out their eyeballs with no disposable income - and after 6 years of saying nothing there’s hardly any point now

My mum was a teacher and quite a few of my friends are teachers and they would really hate to know that this sort of judging of how much people give to a collection for a present for them was going on.

I think the amount of the contribution should be voluntary not prescribed regardless of the number of children.Teachers lreally do not expect this . A token gift or something made by the child is more than enough.

It’s not compulsory for her to contribute at all.

Absolutely right. It would be the same for anything. Just because two of your children were born on the same year shouldn’t mean you get a 2 for 🤣 same with attending a party.

Maybe her husband controls all the money
Financial abuse and control can happen in any marriage

Agree with this. It’s fair to say the suggested amount is £10, but people can choose how much they want to contribute.

The organiser for my eldest son’s class had it at £5 per child, split every £3 for the teacher and £2 for the classroom assistant. There were a couple of kids who had one to one assistants and the parents of those children sorted their own gift.

My younger sons class organiser suggested £10 each for the teacher, assistant and 2 x one to ones, absolutely ridiculous

Those who gave their comments in a constructive way, thank you. Unsurprisingly, those you disagree resorted to nastiness.

The set amount was for fairness and if you don’t agree then don’t do it that way yourself. It’s not dictated and people can opt out.

Does it matter?

I think teacher gifts are getting a bit crackers to be honest especially if you have people imposing a £10 per kid contribution. I think it’s really unreasonable to be specifying an amount per child or taking issue with which kids are on the cards. Even if collections are being split across office staff, TAs etc, I’m curious as to how these gifts are not falling fowl of normal public sector limits. Nurses wouldn’t be allows to accept £200 gifts for example.

For what it’s worth, I can afford it and have always paid the £10 suggested contribution from the rep but there will be others who really can’t afford that and shouldn’t be pressured into paying up.