AIBU to think a twin parent should contribute per child?

[TheMumEdit]

Interested in how other people approach. We do a group collection for the school teacher every year. Another mum and I tend to take turns. Offered out to the rest but oddly no one else wants a turn! . We put in £10 each which is what we all agreed. . Two mums in the year have twins. One mum pays per child (so £20) and the other pays £10 total so £5 per child.

I’ve never really thought about it but the other mum that’s turn it is think we should say we’ve only received one contribution. The more I think about it the more I thinks she a bit cheeky but after 6 years don’t see the point in saying now. This mum is quite well off (one a Dr and one equal in terms of salary) whilst most other parents are on much lower salaries.

AIBU: don’t say
YANBU Say gives more money 😉

I took your post to be curiosity-led - my twins went to a 3-form entry school and were in different classes for 6 of their years there, so I always had two sets of parents evening appointments, as they had different teachers. I always contributed twice because they had different teachers, but I remember giving £10 to each teacher, thinking it was generous, and hearing that others had contributed £20 to one collection - there was no way I was going to up my contribution to £20 each though! Especially with an older child at the school to contribute for as well.

In year 6 they were in the same class and I think I just had a double appointment at parents evening, though to be honest I was in constant communication with the teacher as one of my twins has SEN and so we had lots to discuss outside of parents evening - but I still had a slot for him, to look at his books etc.

In terms of school play etc, I think we were allowed two adults to attend and often only one of my husband or I could, so we never had extra places, as we couldn't have used them, but I suppose we were lucky that being a big school they didn't limit attendance at those type of events.

Also we are expected to sell double the amount of raffle tickets for school fetes etc, despite not having double the amount of family members 😎

Ughhhh yes! Constantly just chucking my own £20 in for the sponsored 1km dash 🤪🤣

Going forward, could you specify that the agreed contribution is £10 per child?

She sounds like a cheapskate. Someone with money who likes to flaunt it.
"She’s regularly posting in the group chat about trips to Disney, skiing and cruises (so far this year) and they are both driving brand new luxury cars".

I think contributing per family is fine

I don't believe in telling anyone they should put in for teachers present and how much. When we did collection it was not only optional but the amount was optional - someone might give £20 another £2 and it was all OK kids got their names on the card.

OP said "We put in £10 each which is what we all agreed". Some people prefer a fixed amount to avoid the stress of deciding how much to give. I can also understand the idea of letting each person choose their own amount.

Going forward, could you specify that the agreed contribution is £10 per child?

Who agreed? This mum certainly hasn’t. Why should a few parents decide what other parents should do with their money?

OP said "We put in £10 each which is what we all agreed".

Clearly they didn’t all agree, or at least they didn’t all agree that it was per child.

You are right. That's why they should specify they mean "per child" so there is no confusion.

And if the mum doesn’t agree? Or do the other 28 mums stand around her and refuse to let her go until she agrees? Or maybe a bit of social ostracism to coerce her?

They will have to decide what to do if that happens. But until then they should say nothing and wait until next year.

I've never understood the need to police what other people pay, it's a collection, I organise ours, I choose to put in £10, I tell the other mums to put in what they can afford or feel is appropriate and even if they don't put in their child can still sign the card, who gives a shit what anyone else is putting in, do what you want ans let others do the same? do you need to be putting in the same as other people, do you need to get extra kudos if you put in more than other people? I make it clear, you put in what YOU want and it's nobodies business what other people put in, if you're happy to pay what you've paid then you're happy surely??? I would hate a mum to feel under pressure to produce a fixed sum of money for a gift, that's not right at all or worse be worried that her child will be left out of she doesn't find the cash, fuck that, I'll take 50p or whatever you like and let everyone choose what they are comfortable with. I am very comfortable that I can afford £10 and others putting in less doesn't affect that. I honestly wonder at people's motives, do people feel cheated if they pay more than others? FS

Some people might prefer a fixed amount to avoid the stress of deciding how much to give. I hate having to decide. But I can also understand having each person choose how much they want to contribute.

But you had a choice to have 2 under 2, twin parents can't plan for that. Presumably your plan to have 2 under 2 was some time in the making.

Twin parents get pregnant expecting one baby and find out a few weeks in there's actually two babies. Finding double the childcare costs, and having to buy two of everything with 7 months notice is not at all the same as having a baby when you already have an older child...if theres any kind of age gap even a small one, you will be able to reuse things.

But twin parents need two of everything. I'm not a twin parent so have no skin in the game but it's bloody obvious and comparing it to 2 under 2 either means you're thick or obtuse.

Regardless, I can't imagine being so bothered as you are about what other parents put into a teachers collection. You sound like you live a small world and probably need to broaden your horizons, it's not a nice way to live to be so judgemental.

Ours was never a fixed about so it wouldn’t have mattered. People could put £5 or £50 or nothing and the kids names still went on the card. Most people contributed around £10 or (if they were well off) £20 as they wanted to thank the teachers, and it was much easier than buying a present each.

That said, if you’ve agreed a fixed contribution, I think it should be per child.

And the things people have cited as downsides of having twins seem to apply if you have two children in different classes, eg raffle tickets sold per child.

All of that said, it wouldn’t really worry me. I wouldn’t say anything or mind particularly , even though it sounds as though they can afford it. It’s just if someone was asking (as the OP is) for opinions.

You can manage the stressy ones (I'm like that too) by putting a suggested amount. Or I thought it was quite nice for really not pressuring people when they said max £10 per family, to encourage anyone who wanted to put less in that they weren't in any way falling short. Most people still put the tenner in.

Suggested amount is an excellent idea, Takes the stress off plus lets people put in less without feeling bad,

Sorry but people who have kids in school are all the adult they'll ever be, if they can't deal with a decision making task as simple as how much to donate then they are in trouble.

Tbh it does feel like a gun.

Does it matter? It's a voluntary contribution, she is under no obligation to pay anything at all, and I wouldn't have thought, in the middle of a CoL crisis, it was a good idea to get too specific about such things.

You never know what is going on in other people's finances. I'd leave it well alone.

Yes

No one said people couldn't deal with the decision as to how much to donate. It's just nice sometimes to be given a suggested amount so you don't have to think about it. I struggle more with how much to give for a retirement gift. The amount varies a lot because it depends on how closely you worked with the person and what you can afford to give.

Why isn't it 10 pounds per parent, and not 10 pounds per child.

Also you can't force anyone to give any money. Its optional