How can I turn down uninvited siblings politely from nieces 9th birthday party?

[ThePetiteMermaid]

I changed my user name for this and some details as it’s pretty outing (and a long post sorry - trying not to drip feed) but I need advice please.

My niece has a birthday party coming up this week and my Dsis was originally going to book a party package doing an activity with food and party bags included.
It worked out as far too expensive for her as a package because you need a minimum amount of guests to book and so she decided to take a smaller friend group and pay for them to do the activity individually and then to take them to a fast food place to eat.
She also decided instead of party bags to just do cake to save money and thought the kids might not expect one after an expensive activity and might be too old to be bothered anyway at 9 years old.

My Dsis became ill unexpectedly and had to have an operation which means she’s unable to host the party and her DH is at work so she asked me to do it.
I didn’t want my niece disappointed so have taken over the WhatsApp group to finalise things and I have a friend to help on the day.

I have had two messages from two mums basically saying siblings need to attend as it’s school holidays and not really asking but telling me. There hasn’t been any money offered but one mum put “Lucy isn’t expecting a party bag but I’m hoping you will be able to provide a meal for her”.

The other mums message was a bit more polite saying “Katy can’t come without her sister Jess as I have no one to look after Jess, I hope this isn’t an issue as Katy is really excited about coming to celebrate Amy’s birthday”.

I can’t believe how rude and cheeky this is, surely they aren’t expecting my Dsis to pay for the extra kids?
Even if the parents do offer to pay I don’t want to be responsible for two extra kids who will probably be a different age category anyway.

I want to reply saying that the party numbers are final and we can’t stretch to additional guests financially and also I don’t think two is enough people to safeguard extra children.
I wasn’t sure if I should include the financial part as they might have been expecting to pay for the siblings on arrival.

I was hoping for some help please in writing a response that is polite but firm, my Dsis said one of the mums will possibly try to drop the sibling off anyway as she has form for this.

I don’t have children so feel uncomfortable dealing with this and I was really surprised to hear it’s a common request, I can understand if it was a cheaper venue like a hall party when the kids were younger but not for an expensive activity!

I’m also wondering what to say to kids if they are expecting party bags. With one mum mentioning them in the text I’m thinking others might expect them and kids might ask for one. I don’t have the money or time to provide them and wouldn’t have a clue what to put in them, I don’t want to stress my Dsis when she’s ill and already fretting about pleaving me in charge, surely a slice of cake is enough?!

It would be helpful if someone could also give me a suggestion of what to say if someone does attempt to drop off a sibling please.

I’m ND and not the best with confrontation or awkward conversations and I’m really pissed off I’ve been put in this position and my niece will be really upset if the two girls can’t attend because we can’t include siblings although that maybe can’t be helped.
I wouldn’t have been as keen to volunteer to help if if known I’d be dealing with these cheeky requests and worrying about bloody party bags!

I’ve posted quickly but I have to go out now so I won’t be able to respond much until later.
I just thought I’d better add this in anticipation of people asking “where has the OP gone!”
I will update after I’ve hopefully handled the situation tactfully!

I'm agog at the legendary woman @MPforTitipu knows - well done that woman!

Sausage's message is excellent, as is Havoc's. I might even be more specific - "We can't accommodate Lucy/Jess, so if that means Suzie/Katy can't make the party, please let me know by Tuesday."

I'd go with the mini bag of haribo myself - I used to put the packets in a bowl and let them take one each like they were trick or treating.

I think I’ve been very lucky that this never happened to me ( DC are now both late twenties) but I think you need to be both firm and very direct without feeling the need to justify yourself:

Hi Cheeky Mother.

Just to clarify a couple of things:

• The party is drop off and pick up so no need for you to stay.
• We cannot accommodate siblings either for food or supervision. The party is for invited guests only.

Thank you for your understanding,

I would normally absolutely sweat over the tone of a message like that and would be falling over myself to apologise and be ‘nice’, but these mums have got such a nerve asking for siblings to be included in the way they did I honestly wouldn’t care!

I think you're a great sister stepping in to help out, and I would be feeling similarily if I had been put in that position. Lots of good responses already (though a few seem to miss the fact that you cannot be responsible for any additional children, even if the parent pays for them - I'd not be willing to do this either esp as they might be younger).

The thing I wanted to add is that I used to find party bags a nightmare, often full of plastic tat that ended up being chucked away, and left me feeling awful about the impact on the environment. A few people have suggested a bowl with some small haribo packets in it and I think that is a really good idea. A big pack of the individially wrapped bags (not good for the environment, but we can't be perfect) is about £2-3 and I know my kids would have been happy with that and a slice of cake, esp if they had done an activity at the party.

Good luck, and I hope it all goes well and that your sister recovers quickly.

On the party bag issue if you think you would be embarrassed to say we're not doing party bags you could buy some bags they are cheap and put a slice of the birthday cake and a lollipop or equivalent in it. Hand it to them as they leave job done but it's fine not to do party bags.

“Unfortunately, we are unable to accommodate any extra children in addition to those invited. You are welcome to drop off invited child and come back to collect them at X time. Thanks for understanding”

done

The response to any sibling has to attend too bullshit is "that isn't possible and we understand that you therefore cannot attend".

Take it out of the CF's hands.
My friend did this, the mother never replied so she took it the child wasn't coming and adjusted her final numbers.

The mother turned up and as the child wasn't on the list, no entry.
My friend has 4 children, this was her youngest, and she was ruthless.
One mark on your card for this type of cheeky fxxkery and you were done for.

This is really rude behaviour.
Decent people don't do this, hence they can be dealt with brutally IMO.

Even worse to do it in these circumstances.

If siblings have to attend then the parent stays and pays for that sibling. If there is left over food, sure the child can eat some but they aren’t part of the party

No siblings can be accommodated - totally understand if this means Sally can no longer attend. Feel free to drop her off unaccompanied though :) I’m sure she’ll be fine.

“Katy can’t come without her sister Jess as I have no one to look after Jess"

So who was looking after these kids before the party was arranged? This makes no sense!

"Hi [Name]. Unfortunately, we aren't able to accommodate any siblings for Amy's birthday. The numbers and arrangements are already finalised based on the activity and the adult-to-child ratio we can safely manage. We really want to keep the focus on the small group of friends Amy invited, so we won't be able to include [Sibling's Name] on this occasion. We’d love to see [Child's Name] there, but if she can’t make it without her sister, we completely understand and she'll be missed!"

Perfect - I always add to the invitation - sorry no siblings. If anyone asks, I refer them back to the invite. I expect everyone to acknowledge that and don’t provide any extra food or party bags

Hopefully you clearly and firmly said no.
If that means the invited child can't come then you say oh dear, that's a shame.

That.

Please don't skimp on party bags for the "sake of the environment" or to save twenty quid which is hardly a big deal in the bigger picture. There are a million other things that come ahead in saving the environment than at the cost of a core memory for a child. The average family probably throws out a lot of plastic crap, non-recyclable packaging, takes cheap flights, buys fast fashion, drive gasoline cars, go on cruises, uses AI etc. We've been to parties with really frugal party bags...literally a brown paper bag with 1-2 pound shop fidget toys inside but the kids still love it.

The Greta Thunberg of party bags are the most insufferable people ever because they don't actually give a shit about the environment. Otherwise they would be making loads of other informed choices as listed above, but they're are just as selfish with their holiday choices and just as cheap with their clothing purchases. It's obviously only about saving money but they love to convince themselves they're better people because they get to spare other parents "filling landfills with plastic tat" when in reality it's just tiny handful of toys. Deinstalling ChatGPT will do loads more for the environment than depriving a few 9 year olds of a core memory at the end of a birthday party.

I’ve not read other replies but this first reply sounds perfect.

I’d possibly add that there will be no party bags as you thought they’d be too old.

Literally just say facts.

If I was you I’d be pretty pissed off that I was having to do all of this when there’s nothing stopping mum and dad doing it.
Surely dad could have had the day off from work and even if he couldn’t, he could at least be the one to reply in the group chat if mum really can’t.

A party bag is not a core memory. I certainly don’t remember a single one from my childhood. If a party bag is a core memory for you or your children then that is deeply sad.

Party bags are a total waste. I did one party favour for each kid who came to my kid’s parties. Always themed with the party. We had a Harry Potter party, and I gave all the kids a copy of the little book Quidditch Through the Ages with a slice of cake. We had an avengers themed party, and I gave each kid an A5 avengers wall print with a slice of cake etc.
It might still be considered junk, but a little less likely and didn’t involve plastic shite.

This is perfect!

I don't understand why the parents are saying the younger siblings have to go to are they thinking they have to stay with the children?
Re response I would just say sorry the party has already been booked and there is no capacity for extra children. Or something along those lines. Also make it clear that parents don't need to stay with their children.
Don't worry about the party bags . I think most children will expect them but I don't think it's necessary to tell them in advance that there aren't any just give them the cake at the end

^This one, @ThePetiteMermaid , and don't reply to any push back or attempts to guilt trip you. In a year's time, nobody will care.

The party has been booked for the invited children only.
Parents can drop off and collect at the times on the invite.
Thank you.

Im glad my years of this are over.

YANBU. I’ve hosted 5 parties so far, and I am stunned and thoroughly sick of this type of rudeness from adults who should know better.

Good luck with hosting, you are doing a wonderful thing for your sister 💐

In this situation I would have got police involved!!

In this situation, being clear about no siblings is more important than being ultra polite!

The kids are presumably 8/9. Say ‘numbers are set but you are welcome to drop and go’. Who stays at a 9 year olds party anyway?

I think you need to be much more direct.

"No sorry that doesn't work for us. I'm doing my unwell sister a favour and hosting the party so I won't be having any extras and Jess can't come. I understand if Katie can't come alone and I'm sure they'll catch up another time once sis recovers."

"Lucy isn't invited to the party so I won't be hosting her but you're welcome to pay for her entry and supervise her yourself."