How can I turn down uninvited siblings politely from nieces 9th birthday party?

[ThePetiteMermaid]

I changed my user name for this and some details as it’s pretty outing (and a long post sorry - trying not to drip feed) but I need advice please.

My niece has a birthday party coming up this week and my Dsis was originally going to book a party package doing an activity with food and party bags included.
It worked out as far too expensive for her as a package because you need a minimum amount of guests to book and so she decided to take a smaller friend group and pay for them to do the activity individually and then to take them to a fast food place to eat.
She also decided instead of party bags to just do cake to save money and thought the kids might not expect one after an expensive activity and might be too old to be bothered anyway at 9 years old.

My Dsis became ill unexpectedly and had to have an operation which means she’s unable to host the party and her DH is at work so she asked me to do it.
I didn’t want my niece disappointed so have taken over the WhatsApp group to finalise things and I have a friend to help on the day.

I have had two messages from two mums basically saying siblings need to attend as it’s school holidays and not really asking but telling me. There hasn’t been any money offered but one mum put “Lucy isn’t expecting a party bag but I’m hoping you will be able to provide a meal for her”.

The other mums message was a bit more polite saying “Katy can’t come without her sister Jess as I have no one to look after Jess, I hope this isn’t an issue as Katy is really excited about coming to celebrate Amy’s birthday”.

I can’t believe how rude and cheeky this is, surely they aren’t expecting my Dsis to pay for the extra kids?
Even if the parents do offer to pay I don’t want to be responsible for two extra kids who will probably be a different age category anyway.

I want to reply saying that the party numbers are final and we can’t stretch to additional guests financially and also I don’t think two is enough people to safeguard extra children.
I wasn’t sure if I should include the financial part as they might have been expecting to pay for the siblings on arrival.

I was hoping for some help please in writing a response that is polite but firm, my Dsis said one of the mums will possibly try to drop the sibling off anyway as she has form for this.

I don’t have children so feel uncomfortable dealing with this and I was really surprised to hear it’s a common request, I can understand if it was a cheaper venue like a hall party when the kids were younger but not for an expensive activity!

I’m also wondering what to say to kids if they are expecting party bags. With one mum mentioning them in the text I’m thinking others might expect them and kids might ask for one. I don’t have the money or time to provide them and wouldn’t have a clue what to put in them, I don’t want to stress my Dsis when she’s ill and already fretting about pleaving me in charge, surely a slice of cake is enough?!

It would be helpful if someone could also give me a suggestion of what to say if someone does attempt to drop off a sibling please.

I’m ND and not the best with confrontation or awkward conversations and I’m really pissed off I’ve been put in this position and my niece will be really upset if the two girls can’t attend because we can’t include siblings although that maybe can’t be helped.
I wouldn’t have been as keen to volunteer to help if if known I’d be dealing with these cheeky requests and worrying about bloody party bags!

I’ve posted quickly but I have to go out now so I won’t be able to respond much until later.
I just thought I’d better add this in anticipation of people asking “where has the OP gone!”
I will update after I’ve hopefully handled the situation tactfully!

Lol well I guess you had a pretty crap childhood. Yes, getting a party bag is a really exciting memory for both of us and I love driving home from a party while she excitedly unpacks everything in the back.

You think that I had a crappy childhood because opening party bags isn’t a core memory? Um.. it’s really the opposite. Someone with an exciting childhood full of loads of adventure and experiences, which mine was, does not remember opening shitty party bags as huge moments from my life. How very weird of you.

Yeah just tell them where to go politely.
Say to them you can not accomodate, you are doing your sister a favour, and that if they can find another parent willing to take their child then fine but otherwise no.

The guests will go to plenty of other parties. OP's sister has decided not to do them, end of. OP's not asking for advice on overruling the child's own mother on party bags.

Plus the more explanation, the more they have to kick against.

Surely: “I have put this on MN and it’s been agreed that you’re being a CF. So no.”

First response is perfect, it sounds like they are being dropped off anyway so not sure why siblings would need to stay.

I agree.. i hate party bags. A load of tat , plastic in plastic. My kids don't care for yhem either. I wish they were banned.
A friend of mine did books instead of party bags.which i loved.
We usually do one slightly more interesting gift rather than a bag of shit and sugar.
Now we are just getting out of party bag phase and I am thankful.

This is a perfect response.

Be clear and firm.

"Im sorry the head count is final and agreed woth the venue. Additionally as its just me and X I wouldnt feel suitable supervising any extra children

Thanks in advance for understanding"

I’d get the dad to reply saying no siblings - the parents won’t be there anyway? At parties DS goes to, some parents stay as they have no where else to go but if other don’t then we keep an eye on everyone

OP hasn’t been back but I’m sure she gets the gist.

I always find keeping it short and simple is best. They have already proved they are CF, if you give an inch they will take a mile. So I would stick to we have set numbers and cannot accommodate siblings. If they come back with child x can't come, well fair enough.

My bil once said siblings were welcome to attend the softplay at which his child's party was held but they would need to pay for entry, pay for a meal and stay to supervise their own child. That didn't happen. Instead 2 families just dropped the uninvited siblings off at the door and left. So he had 2 extra kids to pay for and supervise. In the grand scheme of things they could afford it but it did ruin the dynamics of the party as the uninvited siblings were much older and taking over when it came to party games. He had also not packed extra party bags so just gave the ones he had for nephew who burst into tears and the ones for one of my children.

People gave excellent advice within the first two replies. But, just to say, what an excellent auntie (uncle?) you are, Mermaid. And sibling. Well done.

My bil once said siblings were welcome to attend the softplay at which his child's party was held but they would need to pay for entry, pay for a meal and stay to supervise their own child. That didn't happen. Instead 2 families just dropped the uninvited siblings off at the door and left. So he had 2 extra kids to pay for and supervise

Yes and that's why I wouldn't even mention others coming if the parent pays.
People this rude will take whatever they can get, so simply tell them siblings won't be accommodated (no need for a "sorry") and leave it at that

Once told you can have someone on the door to turn away extras as a pal did.
Considerable angst ensued but she stood firm and nobody ever tried it on again

Just tell them you cannot cater for siblings, then it's up to them whether they attend or not.

I think it's a flipping cheek. When mine was young nobody brough siblings to children's parties and parents didn't stay.

Its a drop off party. So it doesnt matter if the parent has childcare for the other child

'brought' not 'bought'.

Just reply and say you’ve ‘inherited’ the party planning due to a family emergency and you cannot accommodate any changes as it’s too late. Leave it at that, you’re hosting a party NOT supplying free child care with food and party bag thrown in.

Absolutely. I don't understand the mindset, we used to manage years ago without all that. Parents - or someone - dropped the child off and picked them up at the end of the party. That was it.

Said she’d be off doing the party but would let people know the outcome once it’s all dealt with

I think this.

If you say they can bring a sibling, stay & pay (which they doubtless already know), they'll be sending the kids in & leaving you to deal with them!

If they don't want to just drop off the invited child well then that child will just have to not attend.

And they're 8&9 y/o, so drop-off age now.

We, and now my sister, had a small basket of fidget toys or colouring pencils and a load of age appropriate books that kids could choose from, and then a piece of cake. You can get packs of 10 books for £10 from The Works or Costco so it doesn’t have to be expensive, nor does it have to be a bag if plastic tat. Several other parents have done the same after coming to one of our kids’ parties.

This is brilliant advice

if I’ve ever had to take siblings to parties I just pay for them myself!

We don’t know anything about the surrounding circumstances, unfair to criticise the brother in law, the auntie sounds great. Let’s be kind too.