AIBU to feel sidelined by my parents at my sister's birthday lunch?

[MargeyBat]

Backstory. My parents and my sister live in the same town. I live 40 miles away. My parents moved abroad years ago which is when I met my DH and moved from our hometown. Parents moved back to our hometown where Dsis still lives.
I try to go “home” in the holidays, depending on work and child commitments. Parents and dsis can travel but rarely come to ours as it’s easier for just my family to travel.

It was my sisters birthday this weekend, we arranged to go for a pub lunch yesterday, it’s about 10 miles from where my family live and 30 miles for us. Arranged to meet early as the pub wasn’t taking reservations. We got there for 11.45. Was very quiet and my parents were already there. My sister etc were still making their way but said to go ahead and sort a table. There were 12 of us. My mum suggested two garden shed style booths, as it’s so hot and sunny so we’d have some shade. The pub garden was still empty so me and my lot went to the loo. When I came out my 2 girls were sat in one booth and my parents in another, I said why are you sat there and not with Nana as they hadn’t seen her in a few months. They said they were but she told them to sit in the other booth. If this was for saving the table purposes , the garden was still empty.
I suggested we moved and got a row of bench tables with parasols as the shed things were quite stuffy and we wouldn’t be able to chat. We did this and moved, I went to sit up the end where my mum was and she said to me “why are you moving up here, where’s your sister and gkids going to sit? Down that end?” So I moved back down the other end. Felt a bit miffed, firstly sister wasn’t even close yet, and I thought we could have chatted.
When sis arrived we said hello etc and her and her family were sat up one end with my parents, and me and mine down the end. Mum went to the bar with sis and I thought they were just getting drinks but hadn’t noticed they were also ordering food together. So then I hurried my lot up with what they wanted and ordered. Our meals came out half way through my parents and my sister etc, as there was the delay in us ordering. No one had said otherwise I’d have ordered all together. At this point my elder girl said “what was the point in us coming”. Which made me quite sad for her but I said not to worry. We did some activities together after the meal and it was very clear we were almost hangers on.
My girls were talking in the car on the way home and said how Nana didn’t really talk much to them, how they didn’t see their cousins as the activities my parents were doing with them whilst me and DH did with ours. My sister messaged last night saying sorry we didn’t get to chat much, but nothing from my mum. I can’t help but think I must have upset her in some way, as even before my sister arrived she wasn’t interested in me or my girls. I’m really upset about it, it was helpful that my sister acknowledged that we didn’t chat. I just don’t know what to do. DH says just ignore and see how next time goes but he’s very laid back and doesn’t like fuss. Obviously I also have the issue that my girls are a bit miffed by it all too.

‘Out of the mouths of babes’ - your daughter is correct. Sorry to say but it’s true, your mother’s behaviour was awful. Your sister doesn’t get absolved for an after-the-fact apology either.

Participate on your own terms next time, or not. I hope you enjoy the rest of the long weekend.

As your sister acknowledged what happened I’d talk to her first as to whether you’ve upset your parents and if not then how to manage a situation like this better next time.
i do get saving tables and spreading out but then when the others arrived it was up to all of you as adults to decide how to distribute seats, eg,
kids at one end then dhs then sister, you and mum. The ordering was really thoughtless and crap frankly

I would have said that as you wanted to chat to your sister she and her husband could sit opposite you at the top end of the table and cousins sit opposite each other further down rather than moving.

Your mum's could have been nicer. No need to tell you to move before your sister arrived and poor manners to order without you.

Tbh I'd not say anything to anyone and I'd just make plans to see your sister. Don't mention the plans with your mum, let her see how it feels.

Your sister was last to arrive so understandable that they sat in the 'middle' effectively.
My family do this, as a strategic plan to sit away from some people and other people will sit in the 'middle' as a buffer.

Your mum didn't just act weird towards you, she also excluded your children from the off putting them on a separate table. It doesn't seem like you've upset her because it wasn't just you she acted out of turn with, it seems like she's trying to push you all away.

I'd give sister a pass and explain you felt very pushed out in general, and see what explanation comes from that.

very strange behaviour from your mother and to a lesser extent, your sister. I’d be putting in less effort and i wouldn’t in a hurry to respond to that text.

That’s Stately Homes type behaviour from your Mum and poor that your sister didn’t address it.

Good for your DD for talking about it.

It’s also poor that they don’t visit you.

If you get on with your sister you could invite her and her family to yours, without your parents, and discuss it with her.

YANBU, but I bet there is a lot more context to this incident that’s going to be drip-feed later on. Op, is this the first time something like this has happened? Is your mum always more dismissive of you/your children over your sister/her children? Who were the other people attending, and what’s the relationship between you all, do you know them and if so do you get on?

It sounds like they don't like you nor you them. For your dd to say what was the point in coming shows they are picking up on your tension. In a big group with ordering at a bar it's pretty normal for everyone to order separately and food comes out at different times. I'm not surprised your dm wanted your dsis in the middle. It's her birthday.

It does sound like you and your dc are out of favour with your mum and I'd just ignore her if she's going to be a cow. Make separate plans to see your sister next time. You can say its easier catching up in smaller groups.

Fwiw I was at a big family meal over the weekend and did not spend much time with the person we were celebrating. At a big table you just talk to the people you are sat with and then wedid a bit of catching up with the rest at the start and end. You end up speaking to somepeople too much and others toolittle!

I was talking to my friend about it and I said I know she’s closer with my sister now as they live near to each other. We’ve never been hugely close but nothing like this really. The only people was my parents, me , my DH and two daughters, my sister, her DH and two children. Two of our children are the same age and will be close to each other on days out usually, that me and my sister have without our parents. Never had an issue with my sister, in fact I had gone home for my birthday just a few months ago that my sister couldn’t make it to, and seen my mum then, she seemed ok. It’s more when it’s all of us that she makes it more separate, but never to this extent.

Does this usually happen, or did your mum want to be closer to your sister as it was her birthday event and wanted to make her feel special?

DH had to say something to his sister when this kept happening to us. We were 2.5 hours away, his siblings were all within 5-10 mins of their mum. Every single time we'd arrive at his mum's his sister and her kids would be there -the same kids MIL babysit most days. And they'd get upset if our kids wanted to play with their toys or sit in their chairs. Once we drove all the way there only to eat lunch on our laps in the living room while SIL, MIL and kids ate at the table in the other room and then we came home. That was the catalyst for DH saying something - we would spend time with everyone but just not all at the same time! And we weren't always going to pay for everyone's lunch at the pub even if that meant we all got to eat at the table

The booths were the first problem - lovely idea but separates you into two parties. DMs panicking about no reservations made you stay separate.

Your sister missed you! Suggest separate event for your birthday where DM doesn’t call the shots.

It was my sister’s birthday on Saturday and my parents had already had a bbq and cake with her at theirs with my sisters in-laws too so Sunday was for us as in my sisters family to all to be together for it. We didn’t do another cake as that’d be done.

That's a problem when there are a lot of people but you sound very passive. You just moved away when she told you, not even "I thought we could have a chat while we're waiting for DS"?
Is your sister the golden child?

I went to sit up the end where my mum was and she said to me “why are you moving up here, where’s your sister and gkids going to sit? Down that end?” So I moved back down the other end. Felt a bit miffed, firstly sister wasn’t even close yet, and I thought we could have chatted.

Why didn't you say this to your mum at the time? I find it very odd that you would just quietly get up and move...there has to be some more back story here. Has your mum always been like this? What about your dad?

They way she said it and tone she said it in made me not want to even question it, I didn’t want an atmosphere for my sister arriving.

How odd, from your mum OP! So she kind of sent you to the other end of the table, while you waited and so couldn’t even chat?

That’s really weird, and your sister picking up on it shows it’s your mums issue, not hers.

Your mum was a bitch to you all the fact you live further away would be more reason to make an effort to chat. but she didn’t want to do that to your dd this is so disrespectful. Op I would be messaging mum saying she made you all feel uncomfortable and unwanted and next time you will do something separate with sister as you obviously we’re not welcome with her. Forget fuss this is about your dd feelings being hurt you protect her first.

So I would usually expect the birthday person to sit in the middle of a table, so it makes sense your sister was put there. Does your mum have form for this or was it a one off? I can often go to family events where there are 12 to 15 of us (adults and children) and there will be someone I don't get a chance to speak much too but there is nothing behind that. However, I find it odd if your mum didn't give your children attention. At our family events adults will give the children lots of attention.

So I would usually expect the birthday person to sit in the middle of a table, so it makes sense your sister was put there. Does your mum have form for this or was it a one off? I can often go to family events where there are 12 to 15 of us (adults and children) and there will be someone I don't get a chance to speak much too but there is nothing behind that. However, I find it odd if your mum didn't give your children attention. At our family events adults will give the children lots of attention.

Sounds odd. We’d have all the adults at one end, and kids down the other. With your sister as the birthday person in the middle of the grown ups. Is your mother often like this?

This is quite common in families where one set of grandchildren/children live further away.

She is probably very attached to your sister's dc as she sees them more often. Whereas you/yours are more like distant relatives she is not really involved with day to day.

Her behaviour was inexcusable and rude. I'd take this as a cue to step away. It sounds like your dc are picking up on it, so it would be nicer to just not expose them to how she feels.

I could kind of understand it (your mum wanting to sit next to birthday girl) up until the point they went off to order food without you. Who the hell does that?! Was your mum paying just for her and your sister? It sounds like she has golden child syndrome going on. Honestly, i wouldn't bother going next time.

Sorry op, but your mum isn’t very nice. I’d call her and ask what you’ve done to be treated this way. Though I’m guessing she will deny her behaviour. I think I’d have to just stop making the effort to see them.