AIBU to feel sidelined by my parents at my sister's birthday lunch?

[MargeyBat]

Backstory. My parents and my sister live in the same town. I live 40 miles away. My parents moved abroad years ago which is when I met my DH and moved from our hometown. Parents moved back to our hometown where Dsis still lives.
I try to go “home” in the holidays, depending on work and child commitments. Parents and dsis can travel but rarely come to ours as it’s easier for just my family to travel.

It was my sisters birthday this weekend, we arranged to go for a pub lunch yesterday, it’s about 10 miles from where my family live and 30 miles for us. Arranged to meet early as the pub wasn’t taking reservations. We got there for 11.45. Was very quiet and my parents were already there. My sister etc were still making their way but said to go ahead and sort a table. There were 12 of us. My mum suggested two garden shed style booths, as it’s so hot and sunny so we’d have some shade. The pub garden was still empty so me and my lot went to the loo. When I came out my 2 girls were sat in one booth and my parents in another, I said why are you sat there and not with Nana as they hadn’t seen her in a few months. They said they were but she told them to sit in the other booth. If this was for saving the table purposes , the garden was still empty.
I suggested we moved and got a row of bench tables with parasols as the shed things were quite stuffy and we wouldn’t be able to chat. We did this and moved, I went to sit up the end where my mum was and she said to me “why are you moving up here, where’s your sister and gkids going to sit? Down that end?” So I moved back down the other end. Felt a bit miffed, firstly sister wasn’t even close yet, and I thought we could have chatted.
When sis arrived we said hello etc and her and her family were sat up one end with my parents, and me and mine down the end. Mum went to the bar with sis and I thought they were just getting drinks but hadn’t noticed they were also ordering food together. So then I hurried my lot up with what they wanted and ordered. Our meals came out half way through my parents and my sister etc, as there was the delay in us ordering. No one had said otherwise I’d have ordered all together. At this point my elder girl said “what was the point in us coming”. Which made me quite sad for her but I said not to worry. We did some activities together after the meal and it was very clear we were almost hangers on.
My girls were talking in the car on the way home and said how Nana didn’t really talk much to them, how they didn’t see their cousins as the activities my parents were doing with them whilst me and DH did with ours. My sister messaged last night saying sorry we didn’t get to chat much, but nothing from my mum. I can’t help but think I must have upset her in some way, as even before my sister arrived she wasn’t interested in me or my girls. I’m really upset about it, it was helpful that my sister acknowledged that we didn’t chat. I just don’t know what to do. DH says just ignore and see how next time goes but he’s very laid back and doesn’t like fuss. Obviously I also have the issue that my girls are a bit miffed by it all too.

It was your sisters birthday and so understandably she’d want to sit and talk to her more.
Your sister would have been more centre of attention.

The food thing is odd though.
Usually when I go out with friends we all talk about what we’re having etc and then tell each other we’re going to order, even when we’re doing it on the app.

Her sisters birthday had been celebrated on the day (the day before) with her parents. It’s not as if they hadn’t had a chance to catch up.

It's just an observation but your mum & dad moved back to UK to the town where your sister lives, where you grew up in the family home I think. Assuming your parents are ageing, maybe your mum leans on your sister because she's closest and perhaps resents you living further away, so not as handy for her to lean on you as well, so it comes out as hostility/passive aggressiveness. A mum with 2 daughters will always compare them if she has a mind to, I'm the youngest of 2 daughters and it was a triangle, a pain in the backside. My sister was submissive & I was the opposite, she always struggled with speaking up but silently took it out on me in her actions.

I wonder this too, which is why I provided the backstory of it was my parents choice to move and they only came back because of Covid happening, otherwise they’d still not be living in this country. I only left my hometown because they’d gone and my sister had met her partner so the world felt to be my oyster. Although my parents are getting older, my mum especially is very fit and active, she still goes on holiday etc and gets public transport to lots of places. So if it is that, it still feels unfair as they left us first.

Stop running after them. They are sidelining you and your family.

Fuck em.

Is your Mum off with you that you moved 40 miles away? I don’t think 40 miles is very far by the way - but does she harbour a bit of a grudge about it?

I would focus on your relationship with your sister - arrange days / meals out just with her and the kids so that the cousins can play together ect and don’t let her run things.

next time you have a similar even I would say shall we mix the seating up a bit this time so that we can all chat and the kids can be together. I felt that last time it didn’t work well.

OP that's awful. I would be saying lets meet up for a lunch or a dinner at a pub that is 10m from your and 30m for your family and see if they make the effort. If they don't sorry OP but they are not worth it sadly

I wouldn't go to another all family gathering for your mum's birthday. Say you can't make it. If she gets huffy you can point out that last time she didn't talk to you, and asked you to move further away, so it doesn't seem as if it would matter if you were there this time!

I’d be skipping any future family meetings and if she asks why, tell her why.

This happens a lot with my DP family, tell plan days out together and once you get there, no one waits for anyone and everyone drifts off to do their own thing.

This. I wouldnt put my children through that again. Invite them to you or nothing.

How horrible for your children. They clearly picked up on the vibe that their grandparents were not interested in them. Id be having a serious chat with my mother about her terrible behaviour. Id expect it to improve or Id not bother with her.

Your mom went out of her way to be a bitch to your kids at your sister's birthday party and now they know she doesn't want them around.

Never had an issue with my sister, in fact I had gone home for my birthday just a few months ago that my sister couldn’t make it to

Your sister skipped your birthday do in your home town. She was fine ordering food while just letting you and your kids sit there. There is an issue and you're either not seeing it or you're in denial. Your mom and your sister are excluding you and your kids and showing you they don't the think you're important to them. Your sister is the golden child and so are her kids while you and your kids get disrespect, rudeness, and your mom telling them to go away twice. Your mom has a problem even sitting by you or them. She's bullying you and your kids.

You've got a toxic dynamic going on there and it's extended to the kids. Time to opt out.

Stop going to your hometown for holidays and birthdays. Start your own traditions where you live. Make some new friends and be busy when they come wondering why you're not at their beck and call anymore. Center your husband and kids, not your birth family.

I think you need to have a chat with your mum and ask her wtf her problem is?

I'm glad you can see your sister without your mum this week. Do speak to her about it. She might have no idea and thought you didn't want to sit with them.
We were once in a similar position to your sister, only it was my MIL favouring us and barely speaking to my BILs family. I didn't know my BILs family well and assumed they were happy with more distance. By the time I found out this wasn't the case it was too late to do anything about it.

Why didn’t you say something? ‘Well sis isn’t here yet so let’s catch up’. Or the kids could have sat all together and the adults the other end to talk? Then when they went to got the food I would have said something then too! Don’t be such a doormat!

I’d really recommend talking to your sister. Tell her how you feel. She might become an ally in navigating this with your mum, or she might be able to provide a different perspective on things. But it sounds like you get on well, so confide in her. If my sister was still in the world, I’d want to know.

When I read the title my first thought was YABU, it's her birthday. BUT the fact that your daughter said what she did is the problem - for her to comment shows this has gone too far. Have a word with your sister first, but you have to address this with your mum as well - if it doesn't change you need to step back - you cannot have your children feeling like that ever again

Could have written this myself. Me and my sister n law had a disagreement ten years ago I have apologised and got nothing back. When family arrangements come around I am either not invited or last minute pop along with kids to be sat at end of tables etc food drinks ordered separately no chat etc it’s awful. My kids said the same mum why are we doing this ?they don’t want us there. We are not the same. Two years ago I stopped trying as it was getting me no where but upset. End of the day it’s a two way street and my kids are not getting any younger they are my priority so I havent seen my family and they haven’t reached out to me so that’s my answer. Focus on you wee family as life is short and you dont deserve it xxxx

Has your mum always had a favourite and has she always been toxic?

Honestly I just could not be arsed to go to any lengths in future to meet up with your Mum.
She sounds rude, dismissive and pretty awful. I’m sure most Grandparents on meeting up with Grandchildren they don’t see as often as others would make more of an effort and take an interest.
Your sister is the favourite because she lives closer and probably involves your Mum in her life, they chose to move back to the UK and live near her so they shouldn’t be put out that after they left you didn’t stay put.
I have a parent who has little to no interest in my children, no big falling out or drama, I’m only a 15 minute drive away… My siblings live literally across the road from them and they are much more involved in their lives then mine.
I did keep trying, a msg each weekend to see if they were free but they were always at one of my siblings houses or out so I just stopped bothering as they never suggested another day/time.
They get invited over for family occasions like birthdays when everyone is invited but otherwise that’s it.
I feel much better for dropping the rope, I’ve concentrated on spending time with the friends and family that care and enjoy our company and vice versa.
If your daughters don’t want to go to things in future, I wouldn’t make them go.

You need to be explaining all this to your mum. You keep saying that your mum will be dismissive if you mention it but complaining on here isn't going to fix it.
I feel really sorry for your daughter..no wonder she doesn't want to go again

I may be reading this wrong, but the roles seem to fit. Dm narcissist, dd her enabler, ds golden child and you the scapegoat?
If so save your breath with your mum, narcissist will never see any wrong doing and never change.

@MargeyBat Don't put your DDs through this again. It hurts to watch your grandparents prioritising your cousins and dismissing you.

Meet up with your sister so DDs can see their cousins. Your sister may not have even noticed the way your mum behaved as she was as attentive as normal to her & her DC.

it sounds like your mum was very much wanting to let you and your dc know that she is very close to your sister and her children….and experience just how close! It sounds like very deliberate behaviour.

Maybe she’s upset you don’t visit so much, or invite them often, but that would be no excuse for her very poor behaviour.

Leaving you at the table while she and your sister went to the bar to order, without saying anything to you, was so pointed and so rude. Yes, you are right to use the word dismissive!
Your sister’s half hearted apology doesn’t cut the mustard either.

The best way to have dealt with it would have been to make a joke of it to stop her in her tracks and make her realise how ill-mannered she was being at the time. ‘Hey mum we haven't come all this way to be delegated to second place down the family league table you know! ‘

You had every right to openly acknowledge that you may as well not have bothered turning up for all the coldness you and your dc received from her. She was quite openly hostile!

i wouldn’t make an argument out if it, but I would certainly find a more assertive way in the future to make sure she can’t be so dismissive towards you and your dc.

Doesn't sound like you've done anything, and more that your sis and her children are the favourites.

We have that in our family, grandparents are more bothered about the kids they see every week, than the kids and grandkids they see once, maybe twice a year 🤷‍♀️