AIBU to feel sidelined by my parents at my sister's birthday lunch?

[MargeyBat]

Backstory. My parents and my sister live in the same town. I live 40 miles away. My parents moved abroad years ago which is when I met my DH and moved from our hometown. Parents moved back to our hometown where Dsis still lives.
I try to go “home” in the holidays, depending on work and child commitments. Parents and dsis can travel but rarely come to ours as it’s easier for just my family to travel.

It was my sisters birthday this weekend, we arranged to go for a pub lunch yesterday, it’s about 10 miles from where my family live and 30 miles for us. Arranged to meet early as the pub wasn’t taking reservations. We got there for 11.45. Was very quiet and my parents were already there. My sister etc were still making their way but said to go ahead and sort a table. There were 12 of us. My mum suggested two garden shed style booths, as it’s so hot and sunny so we’d have some shade. The pub garden was still empty so me and my lot went to the loo. When I came out my 2 girls were sat in one booth and my parents in another, I said why are you sat there and not with Nana as they hadn’t seen her in a few months. They said they were but she told them to sit in the other booth. If this was for saving the table purposes , the garden was still empty.
I suggested we moved and got a row of bench tables with parasols as the shed things were quite stuffy and we wouldn’t be able to chat. We did this and moved, I went to sit up the end where my mum was and she said to me “why are you moving up here, where’s your sister and gkids going to sit? Down that end?” So I moved back down the other end. Felt a bit miffed, firstly sister wasn’t even close yet, and I thought we could have chatted.
When sis arrived we said hello etc and her and her family were sat up one end with my parents, and me and mine down the end. Mum went to the bar with sis and I thought they were just getting drinks but hadn’t noticed they were also ordering food together. So then I hurried my lot up with what they wanted and ordered. Our meals came out half way through my parents and my sister etc, as there was the delay in us ordering. No one had said otherwise I’d have ordered all together. At this point my elder girl said “what was the point in us coming”. Which made me quite sad for her but I said not to worry. We did some activities together after the meal and it was very clear we were almost hangers on.
My girls were talking in the car on the way home and said how Nana didn’t really talk much to them, how they didn’t see their cousins as the activities my parents were doing with them whilst me and DH did with ours. My sister messaged last night saying sorry we didn’t get to chat much, but nothing from my mum. I can’t help but think I must have upset her in some way, as even before my sister arrived she wasn’t interested in me or my girls. I’m really upset about it, it was helpful that my sister acknowledged that we didn’t chat. I just don’t know what to do. DH says just ignore and see how next time goes but he’s very laid back and doesn’t like fuss. Obviously I also have the issue that my girls are a bit miffed by it all too.

@MargeyBat

Well, I’m glad you said something, well done!

The whole event was crap tbh. The just ordering for themselves without any kind of discussion, organisation as a group too was really inconsiderate, selfish, thoughtless, etc… Your sister could have at that point thought of you and your family at that point too. Maybe she thought you mum had already sorted a plan with you?

Is this just how they roll? Every man for them self? Not a team approach…

@MargeyBat This.

Nicely said.

I would visit them by myself or with my husband until I had the girls, because then it was more expensive. Both me and DH are nurses that were trying do separate shifts to keep childcare costs down when they were young so money or holiday time was always an issue for us. My sister would go a lot more than me because her husband has a good income and she has childcare support from his family. We never went together, I mean another thing that I didn’t think about until all this came up and my daughter noticing was my parents renewed their wedding vows and when they were arranging it all I said I wouldn’t be able to get holiday for that time, it was especially busy and a bit last minute, and they went ahead anyway as my sister could go. When they visited whilst living abroad they would go back to our hometown as that’s where they knew. They’ve been to my house once and not since they moved back.
I think I’m realising the dynamic and how it’s been for a lot of my life. I’m so used to just going there and accepting this is how it is, I feel a bit sad that my own child has realised before I did.

I think I’d want to find out the reason for your family feeling ostracised. Why didn’t your dad say or do anything when your mum was effectively pushing you all away?
Do they think that you want to keep your lives separate? My parents lived 50 miles away and I’d often visit after work or pop in at the weekend. It doesn’t seem far to me.

If they had already celebrated your sister's birthday it sounds as if she simply found it an inconvenience. Just file it and leave it for both your mum and sister to contact you. If you always make the effort to meet up complancy sets in.

You should be very proud of your girls for their social awareness and having the strength to decide upon their own boundaries. You should also take some credit for bringing them up to do this so don’t beat yourself up.
You do absolutely right to step back and stop enabling your parents to treat you this way.
This is entirely on them - not you 💐

Well done for speaking up on behalf of your girls.
Your mum will be defensive now probably, but if she really cared, she would be very concerned that she had caused such a reaction from her granddaughter in the first place and be reassuring towards her, trying to gently make up for her thoughtlessness, instead of being defensive and getting huffy about it.

It seems you have a lot to unravel OP. But you don’t have to accept the standard accepted routine any more, even though it suits them now the pattern is well set. Have a think about how you would like to move away from the current norm of being sidelined, minimised and dismissed. It doesn’t have to be a sudden drastic overhaul, but you can certainly take small steps to centre your self and your dc a lot more in future interactions with your parents.

I think it’s a generational thing. Your parents see themselves as being ‘in charge’. The table needed to be held in their opinion so the children were the ones to hold it (I think they would have said this to their other grand children as well).
they were just thoughtless and unwelcoming and that set tone from the start. They feel more comfortable with your sister and her family so they wanted to sit with them.

i think it was just thoughtless and unwelcoming, but set the tone from the start and has exposed your relationship dynamics in a bad way.

maybe they still see you as a child and didn’t even think to make you welcome at the pub, and unfortunately your dad has not reacted well, because he is probably thinking there’s nothing wrong with asking the kids to hold the table….and is not seeing the bigger picture.

do you think you might need to ‘accept’ they are unlikely to change and maybe you will stop going going down as a family? Or rationing your visits.

The thing is you may never have noticed their behaviour as badly, if you all had sat at one big table

It's pathetic that they've only visited once. For your children's sake put in as much effort as your parents do - none.

Oh @MargeyBat I'm really sorry to hear that - It is so similar to my situation I can't quite believe it. I guess we don't notice it ourselves because we are sort of programmed not to rock the boat and just be grateful for any relationship at all.

My auntie / cousin had more holiday time, flexibility and money than me too so they were able to visit overseas more and spend more time with my parents during their visits. I don't think this helped my case because they were seen as being very accommodating and agreeable whereas I was being awkward if I couldn't afford to go to something or get the time off of work.
Since I took a step back and asserted boundaries the relationship with my parents has gone from strength to strength. They are still very close to my auntie and her family too but don't insist on involving me in everything.

I would also spend a lot of my time worrying about why people were acting a certain way towards me and trying to guess what I could have done "wrong" to upset them. Now I don't bother. I put myself and my DS first. If I have upset someone so much that they aren't speaking to me, I should easily know what I have done without spending hours / days agonising over it.

Your dad enables you mom. So you're not going to get anything but excuses from him, even when she's being hurtful to children. Your sister also enables your mom. Even when she's hurting your kids. She lives close, she's the favorite, and she's not going to do anything to rock the boat.

This is not a generational thing, this is an abusive family dynamic thing. You and your kids aren't even good enough to sit with your mom and chat. She has no time for your kids. She may as well have told them to fuck off.

Your daughter is perceptive and feels free to express her feelings about how she was treated to you. Note the difference between your family here and your parents. She was treated poorly and she's drawing a boundary and you're doing very well to support that. She's dropping the rope with your parents.

Sure, your mom will probably get herself into a snit. What's she going to do, ignore you more? She couldn't be bothered to be nice and spend a couple of freaking minutes with her grandkids. Your sister didn't even show up at your birthday do. You've done really well with your family, considering your OG family sounds pretty toxic.

@MargeyBat
PS: my Dad very much the same as yours - quiet and reserved but takes the path of least resistance so would always come down on me like a tonne of bricks if I "upset my mother" by talking about my feelings. Absolute enabler.

i think you will need to think carefully about how you do things going forward. Even though I think you have been treated poorly.

because the chances are your sister and parents relationship will carry on as usual and you might like to have a real relationship with them even if you see them less and your children stay behind at home.

it s very upsetting but sometimes people prefer to see those who speak out as ‘awkward’ because you’re upsetting their status quo, in order to let a relationship slide.

i can’t imagine your parents would treat their friends like they treated you at the family meal

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff Has totally nailed it with their post. So well put 👏