AIBU to feel sidelined by my parents at my sister's birthday lunch?

[MargeyBat]

Backstory. My parents and my sister live in the same town. I live 40 miles away. My parents moved abroad years ago which is when I met my DH and moved from our hometown. Parents moved back to our hometown where Dsis still lives.
I try to go “home” in the holidays, depending on work and child commitments. Parents and dsis can travel but rarely come to ours as it’s easier for just my family to travel.

It was my sisters birthday this weekend, we arranged to go for a pub lunch yesterday, it’s about 10 miles from where my family live and 30 miles for us. Arranged to meet early as the pub wasn’t taking reservations. We got there for 11.45. Was very quiet and my parents were already there. My sister etc were still making their way but said to go ahead and sort a table. There were 12 of us. My mum suggested two garden shed style booths, as it’s so hot and sunny so we’d have some shade. The pub garden was still empty so me and my lot went to the loo. When I came out my 2 girls were sat in one booth and my parents in another, I said why are you sat there and not with Nana as they hadn’t seen her in a few months. They said they were but she told them to sit in the other booth. If this was for saving the table purposes , the garden was still empty.
I suggested we moved and got a row of bench tables with parasols as the shed things were quite stuffy and we wouldn’t be able to chat. We did this and moved, I went to sit up the end where my mum was and she said to me “why are you moving up here, where’s your sister and gkids going to sit? Down that end?” So I moved back down the other end. Felt a bit miffed, firstly sister wasn’t even close yet, and I thought we could have chatted.
When sis arrived we said hello etc and her and her family were sat up one end with my parents, and me and mine down the end. Mum went to the bar with sis and I thought they were just getting drinks but hadn’t noticed they were also ordering food together. So then I hurried my lot up with what they wanted and ordered. Our meals came out half way through my parents and my sister etc, as there was the delay in us ordering. No one had said otherwise I’d have ordered all together. At this point my elder girl said “what was the point in us coming”. Which made me quite sad for her but I said not to worry. We did some activities together after the meal and it was very clear we were almost hangers on.
My girls were talking in the car on the way home and said how Nana didn’t really talk much to them, how they didn’t see their cousins as the activities my parents were doing with them whilst me and DH did with ours. My sister messaged last night saying sorry we didn’t get to chat much, but nothing from my mum. I can’t help but think I must have upset her in some way, as even before my sister arrived she wasn’t interested in me or my girls. I’m really upset about it, it was helpful that my sister acknowledged that we didn’t chat. I just don’t know what to do. DH says just ignore and see how next time goes but he’s very laid back and doesn’t like fuss. Obviously I also have the issue that my girls are a bit miffed by it all too.

Sounds totally disorganised and its no wonder noses are out of joint

When a "family" affair , do you not all met 10 to 15 mins before table booking and discuss ordering etc so less time is wasted when sat?

You following Mother ( or MIL I cant mind:) ordering meals before everyone os there can really upset the table Now we have those thinking I should have ordered so the kids are fed and can go and play, and those thinking, is this a joint order, split per person, everyone pay their own or what?

And tbh none of what you have said sounds like a family meal , way too mush stress and hassle

Sadly OP, it sounds like you have a relative who works on what I've come to realise is the "divide and rule" principle.

It starts off with prioritizing one person over another, I guess creating a pecking order would describe it, making one person feel unwanted so that they start running around, trying to please, wondering what they've done wrong. When in reality they haven't done anything wrong. Probably in your case, its as simple as living further away which puts you slightly on the outside as you can't be as much service to her.
It stinks and it really hurts, but I can't see how you can change it.. only change how you manage it.

The person that does this gets a kick out of it... it makes them feel powerful. It often starts with a dismissive tone of voice, pointed lack of interest so that you know your place.

It's quite liberating when you feel you don't have to put up with this rubbish and you won't pander to them to try to appease them because they don't want to be appeased, they just want to flex their muscles.
Also the behaviour implies to the other person in the equation that they could get the same treatment if they don't tow the line. I think your sister realises this and that's why she didn't speak up at the time either, but did message you to try to make you feel better. If its any consolation, being in closer proximity to your DM, your sister probably gets similar treatment a lot of the time, the whole hiring a vehicle for your mum for eg.

This has probably been going on for a long time, but its when your DD herself noticed it that the complete unfairness and pointlessness of the whole charade became really evident, because part of the on going process is that you doubt yourself. But its really good that you and your DD talked about it. I still don't know why family members do this, as I said, it really stinks.

I agree with this. There is no point trying to approach your Mum about this. She knows exactly what she is doing and will deny it and tell you that you are being difficult / unreasonable / making a fuss - will basically gaslight you into believing that you are the problem. You are already wondering what you did to deserve this and, as the answer is nothing, she won't be able to give you a straight answer. It is more likely she will double down and be more excluding of you.

Your sister is aware of the situation and since it is in her favour, may make sympathetic noises to you but is unlikely to want to change anything or help you. Distance is the answer and focusing on your own family. It must be very obvious if your children have noticed it and as it is now it is being extended to them you need to protect them from the toxic behaviour and show them that you are putting them first.

OP, don't say a word.

Make an effort to meet your sister.
For your child to notice your mothers behaviour is very poor as is the ordering the food without you.

I wouldn't be doing it again any time soon.
Not good for your daughter to be treated poorly and watch you be treated like this.

Sounds like you are being punished for not living nearby, despite your parents leaving first.

My dad does similar. I'm so used to it that I didn't even click how bad it was until my husband started pointing it out every time. He prioritises.my sister, invites.her and her husband to events, takes her children out etc . Has never once invited any of my children to anything and doesn't even think to invite me to stuff. He lives less than 5minutes away. Ar my recent "big"birthday meal , he and my sisters family sat in the middle table together, leaving me separated from my children and grandchildren. I don't even think he realises he's doing it but it's consistent.

DM sounds like a right queen bee character, steamrollering everyone to get what she wants…. I bet you’ve been dancing to her tune for years.

With these sort of things I think it’s pointless trying to talk even to your sister. She also ordered without you

Although in this case I would call your father and enquire about dm’s mental health. Was there something they were holding back on telling you

Tell him Dd noticed that her gm didn’t acknowledge her as family and sent her to sit on another table.

Even you she didn’t want anywhere near her as though you were a stranger. Even when ordering it was as though you didn’t exist.

Is this the beginning of dementia as it did seems like she didn’t want you and your family anywhere near her

Invite your sister and her family to yours more often. She's a good 'un. Keep that bond. Your mother however can address her own issues and watch you and your sister from afar. Don't let her get in the way (but I'm not saying go NC or anything).

I think your mum was unreasonable. However just wondering if you could visit more often than in the holidays, 40 miles is not that far

Other way round here as its from the sibling not the parent. This happens whenever my in-laws visit. My SIL takes over and her kids tend to "claim" the Grandparents and we end up in our family group at the other end of the table not being even to hear the conversation so I have said a few times "we may as well have been at home" when my daughter was smaller I did used to say " she really wants to sit next to Nana" and they did let her in but we were still at the other end amd I still didnt enjoy it. Bearing in mind they have already caught up the day before and its out first opportunity to see them
We now usually see them seperately- a takeaway at ours for example unless its an activity where we can all mingle
My FIL has even admitted he knows she monopolises their time when they are here but nothing really changes. She dictates the full weekend pretty much
Its hard to speak up for yourself in these situations as I hate conflict but I wish I had nipped it in the bud sooner as my kids are definitely less close to them
than their cousins are

i grew up with my mum and sister, my mum hated my sister and I being close. It got to the point where they didn’t talk to me unless they had an argument.
post teens we realised what was happening. We couldn’t tell our mum that we had been anywhere together.

Can you explain how this all made you and your family feel, and ask your mum why she behaved like that?

@MargeyBat

Daughter nailed it.

How rubbish!

Sounds like your sister and family may be worth the effort separately, but think mum needs a review and less effort.

Why would her mum have to sit next to the birthday girl?

I would be physically incapable of not saying anything about this. Especially given how your daughter quite rightly felt

Even if you don't say anything, I certainly wouldn't go to any other meet up without saying 'not if its going to be like at sister's birthday where you ignored your own grandchildren and ordered food without us"

Agree that your sister is the golden child. I have a friend is a similar situation and I don't think there's anything that'll change it. If she rasied it, it would be spun as though my friend were making a fuss. It's a bit weird and obsessive.

Your mum's behavior was really horrible. Even if you had upset her, she shouldn't have treated your children like that.

I'd be tempted not to go to her birthday.

My dad called last night. He was saying about arranging something for mums birthday next month. I said, not too in depth, but we’ll see as we weren’t made to feel very welcome on Sunday. He asked in what way so I only mentioned about the tables and then being told to move. He’s already said I’m being unreasonable about telling the girls to move to hold a table, I pointed out he could have done that or even mum, they are kids that want to sit with their grandparents for a minute whilst me and their dad were in the loo, plus it wasn’t busy, we moved to another table after so what was the need. I said girls aren’t keen to come and of course the blame is on everyone but my parents. I ended up saying they are the adults and the relationship is on them. My eldest is adamant she’s not going. She said about being sat at my mums or my sisters being ignored again and the days being decided by them. So I’m unlikely to go and I think my mother is unlikely to do anything but get in more of a huff.

It’s good you’ve been able to say something. Their reaction is up to them, you can’t control it.

My mother had a 'divide and conquer' approach to her daughters... we only discovered this in later life after she died and we started comparing notes when we had to communicate directly. You can choose to short-circuit this by focusing on developing a good relationship with your sister and between the cousins. We lost a couple of decades and our now grown-up children are strangers.

It's like shouting into the wind I'm sad to say. People like this won't/can't change their behaviour, you just need to learn to live around it in a way that you can tolerate

I didn't say she had to I said it's understandable that she would want to and that the person celebrating the birthday would sit in the middle of the table not stuck down at the end.

Given the parents had celebrated the OP’s sister’s birthday the day before (on her actual birthday) maybe they could have 1) chatted with their other child & grandchildren and 2) encouraged the siblings to sit together so they could catch up.

I’m sorry, it doesn’t sound like your Dad is willing to consider your point of view Op. I suspect he’s chosen the path of least resistance.

You need to take back your power here. Your children have now noticed the dynamic and I think that puts it into perspective for you. It's much easier to overlook or explain away the golden child treatment until it starts extending to your children.

@MargeyBat I am really interested to hear about the dynamic when your parents lived abroad - did you all used to visit them as one big group or as individual family groups? Likewise, when they came back did they split time between you and your DSis's towns or were you all together as a big group?

I've had a similar situation with my parents and my auntie / her family. Whenever my parents came back to visit their time was dominated by my auntie and even though I lived in the same town I would only get to see them if I "tagged along". I even discovered a couple of times that they had come back to visit my auntie without telling me. Whenever I said how this made me feel I was accused of being selfish, attention seeking, overreacting and being spoilt. When DS came along 7 years ago I decided I wouldn't participate in this anymore - I didn't want him to be brought up feeling like he was less than. I made it clear that I was happy to see DPs separately and attend family events etc. but these default big family gatherings were not for me.