AIBU to feel sidelined by my parents at my sister's birthday lunch?

[MargeyBat]

Backstory. My parents and my sister live in the same town. I live 40 miles away. My parents moved abroad years ago which is when I met my DH and moved from our hometown. Parents moved back to our hometown where Dsis still lives.
I try to go “home” in the holidays, depending on work and child commitments. Parents and dsis can travel but rarely come to ours as it’s easier for just my family to travel.

It was my sisters birthday this weekend, we arranged to go for a pub lunch yesterday, it’s about 10 miles from where my family live and 30 miles for us. Arranged to meet early as the pub wasn’t taking reservations. We got there for 11.45. Was very quiet and my parents were already there. My sister etc were still making their way but said to go ahead and sort a table. There were 12 of us. My mum suggested two garden shed style booths, as it’s so hot and sunny so we’d have some shade. The pub garden was still empty so me and my lot went to the loo. When I came out my 2 girls were sat in one booth and my parents in another, I said why are you sat there and not with Nana as they hadn’t seen her in a few months. They said they were but she told them to sit in the other booth. If this was for saving the table purposes , the garden was still empty.
I suggested we moved and got a row of bench tables with parasols as the shed things were quite stuffy and we wouldn’t be able to chat. We did this and moved, I went to sit up the end where my mum was and she said to me “why are you moving up here, where’s your sister and gkids going to sit? Down that end?” So I moved back down the other end. Felt a bit miffed, firstly sister wasn’t even close yet, and I thought we could have chatted.
When sis arrived we said hello etc and her and her family were sat up one end with my parents, and me and mine down the end. Mum went to the bar with sis and I thought they were just getting drinks but hadn’t noticed they were also ordering food together. So then I hurried my lot up with what they wanted and ordered. Our meals came out half way through my parents and my sister etc, as there was the delay in us ordering. No one had said otherwise I’d have ordered all together. At this point my elder girl said “what was the point in us coming”. Which made me quite sad for her but I said not to worry. We did some activities together after the meal and it was very clear we were almost hangers on.
My girls were talking in the car on the way home and said how Nana didn’t really talk much to them, how they didn’t see their cousins as the activities my parents were doing with them whilst me and DH did with ours. My sister messaged last night saying sorry we didn’t get to chat much, but nothing from my mum. I can’t help but think I must have upset her in some way, as even before my sister arrived she wasn’t interested in me or my girls. I’m really upset about it, it was helpful that my sister acknowledged that we didn’t chat. I just don’t know what to do. DH says just ignore and see how next time goes but he’s very laid back and doesn’t like fuss. Obviously I also have the issue that my girls are a bit miffed by it all too.

As it was your sister's birthday lunch I think your mum was quite rightly prioritizing her. Frankly does she want to sit next to your children ? She wants I suspect adult company next to her. I don't think you've been sidelined rather than the birthday girl was prioritized!

Also 40 miles away? I work further than that away... I think you're looking for issues where they may not be any?

I don't think I'd put my children through that again. Your mum is a nasty piece of work.

I agree your mum sounds awful. Do you want to talk to her about it? I'd expect a poor response, so I think it comes down to whether or not it's important to you to say something to her. I probably wouldn't bother and would leave the ball in her very rude court. My own children experienced this with both grandparents. It's good that your children named what was happening and know it's poor behaviour. As for your sister, does she generally lap up the golden child role? If so, I'd reply with a thumbs upand leave her to enjoy being the sole focus of attention. It's interesting to me that your thoughts immediately ran to what you might have done to upset them. The answer is most likely nothing. You are just the scapegoat. It's okay to resign this shitty role.

Whe I saw your thread title I thought it was going to be a clumsy attempt by your parents to centre your sister because it was her birthday. Having read the OP…nope, your mum is nasty and manipulative. Even if you have somehow offended her, there is no excuse for taking it out on your girls. She could use her words and have an actual conversation, like an adult.

I would be furious, and none too pleased with your sister who seems happy to paper over must have been painfully obvious to everyone present. I would have to think carefully about exposing my children to this sort of behaviour again.

Your Mum wanted you and your family to sit an entirely different table for a family meal!
That seems odd given the different options available in an empty beer garden.

Ordering food for half the party without asking the other half is just rude.

And frankly if your kids are picking up on the vibes then something has really gone astray.

I’d be making plans to meet up just with your sister and Dc.

That is bad OP, you can do what you like to me but not my kids. I would be raging. Even if you have annoyed her somehow that you are unaware of she shouldn’t be treating her grandkids like that.

I would have to say something about this, I dont give a crap about how I'm treated but if you make my kids feel less than you are 100% going to hear about it ( half of DPs family dont speak to me because of this and I honestly dont care) I will go scorched earth everytime for my kids.

Dh’s parents can be like this with him and his sister.

His sister lives in the street next door where’s we are the other side of the city in the rural bit.

So they are always together, late night take aways with those grandchildren, improv trips out without a thought or a text to ask if we would like to come along.

Dh can ring his mum at 8pm on a random night too busy at sisters. Pop in on a Saturday 10am. Sisters kids are there.

Our children like yours noticed. It was mentioned. Nothing changed. Our children pretty much don’t care about them now the grandparents, anuty or the cousins one. Barely tolerate them being here if they do turn up they go off to their rooms.

sometimes parents have their favourites and it’s obvious.

My mum carries on like this, like not quite passive aggressive but 'cold shoulder' type behaviours when she's annoyed at me for something stupid. I've taken a big step back and just go to see for occasions and honestly life is good.
It's one thing for her to be in a huffy mood with you but to exclude your children like that is just inexcusable.

@MargeyBat
Honestly I would ring her and tell her what your kids said about what was the point of them being there!
Have a glass of rose on this hot afternoon and find your strength. If it was unintentional she’ll apologise, if not you’ll have it out ……. You’re her dd, you’re allowed to have feelings, you’re allowed to express them, and you’re allowed to protect your children. You can’t continue like this. Resentment will only build……

I'd send her a message. My kids were upset on the way home at the weekend because you'd ignored them the whole time even before sister got to the pub. You could have chatted to them since you haven't seen them in months but you told them twice to go sit elsewhere. We won't be putting them in that situation again. You're welcome to visit them any time you want but clearly you're closer with sister and her kids and I don't want my kids feeling like they did at the weekend again. If I've done something to upset you then please talk to me as I don't understand why you shunned us like that even when sister had arrived yet.

Did she maybe not just want to sit next to her as it’s hee birthday? As one families had to sit where you were?

also I don’t understand the bit about living abroad but only 40 miles away.

Don’t send that it’s scorched earth and horrible.

Her birthday was the day before. Op's Mum celebrated it with the Op's sister on the day.

If anything I would have expected the Op's Mum to want to talk to her other daughter for a few minutes.

My eldest daughter said she didn’t really want to go again.

My parents were living abroad but moved back 5 years ago after Covid and went back to our hometown which is 40 miles away from me. I was just adding that as a backstory but maybe not necessary. They live by my sister.

I really feel like if I say something it’ll be turned that I’m jealous or trying to create problems. I’m in a damned if I do and damned if I don’t. It’s my mums birthday next and if my daughter remembers this she won’t want to go.

What do you mean, 'frankly does she want to sit next to your children?' She spent the afternoon doing activities with the other grandchildren so was obviously happy to be involved with children, just not the grandchildren (OPs daughters) of whom she sees much less which is a bit shit really.

Not surprised you're miffed OP.
What is her level of communication like with you in-between visits? Does she keep in touch much or is it always you?

You must be joking. It's remarkably tactful and restrained.

Bugger them - please don't play the 'what have I done to upset her' game. I have played this game for such a looooong time that at one point I was a nervous wreck, guessing how I might have upset a family member and learning to read not lips, but side glances and eye brow elevations. Bugger that.

I suspect if you raise it, however delicately you put it, your Mum will go on the defensive.

Do you think she likely to reflect and consider your point?

Personally I think this kind of dynamic becomes baked in and is difficult to shift. So you will have to manage your own expectations and those of your children.

Mum sounds very un thoughtful towards you. At least your sister acknowledged not speaking to you. I’d text her and say you felt rather pushed out by Mum and that your dd even commented on it. See what your sister responds.

I think you should make zero effort for your mum's birthday, other than maybe sending a card in the post, if you can be arsed.
Anyone who treated my children like that would not get the opportunity to do it again.

My eldest daughter said she didn’t really want to go again.

I'm with your DD on this one.

Your DSis sounds just as bad too.

As she lives near your DM they must see each other often enough to spend time together so why she didn't bother spending a bit more time with you and her niece's is a bit odd.

How old are your children?

I don't blame your eldest. I wouldn't want to spend time with a grandmother who clearly has her favourites to the extent she basically told them to go away and sit at another table. That was the first time, in the sheds, and then she did it again at the other table!

I don't understand why you wouldn't message your mother and tell her how upset your daughter was.

Have you replied to your sister?

I really don’t blame your daughter tbh your mum was so disrespectful to her why? Your sister is probably her favourite with grandkids but your own mother treated her appallingly so say something on her behalf like dd thought you were off with her and I agree was there a reason for this. Call her out.