AIBU to feel sidelined by my parents at my sister's birthday lunch?

[MargeyBat]

Backstory. My parents and my sister live in the same town. I live 40 miles away. My parents moved abroad years ago which is when I met my DH and moved from our hometown. Parents moved back to our hometown where Dsis still lives.
I try to go “home” in the holidays, depending on work and child commitments. Parents and dsis can travel but rarely come to ours as it’s easier for just my family to travel.

It was my sisters birthday this weekend, we arranged to go for a pub lunch yesterday, it’s about 10 miles from where my family live and 30 miles for us. Arranged to meet early as the pub wasn’t taking reservations. We got there for 11.45. Was very quiet and my parents were already there. My sister etc were still making their way but said to go ahead and sort a table. There were 12 of us. My mum suggested two garden shed style booths, as it’s so hot and sunny so we’d have some shade. The pub garden was still empty so me and my lot went to the loo. When I came out my 2 girls were sat in one booth and my parents in another, I said why are you sat there and not with Nana as they hadn’t seen her in a few months. They said they were but she told them to sit in the other booth. If this was for saving the table purposes , the garden was still empty.
I suggested we moved and got a row of bench tables with parasols as the shed things were quite stuffy and we wouldn’t be able to chat. We did this and moved, I went to sit up the end where my mum was and she said to me “why are you moving up here, where’s your sister and gkids going to sit? Down that end?” So I moved back down the other end. Felt a bit miffed, firstly sister wasn’t even close yet, and I thought we could have chatted.
When sis arrived we said hello etc and her and her family were sat up one end with my parents, and me and mine down the end. Mum went to the bar with sis and I thought they were just getting drinks but hadn’t noticed they were also ordering food together. So then I hurried my lot up with what they wanted and ordered. Our meals came out half way through my parents and my sister etc, as there was the delay in us ordering. No one had said otherwise I’d have ordered all together. At this point my elder girl said “what was the point in us coming”. Which made me quite sad for her but I said not to worry. We did some activities together after the meal and it was very clear we were almost hangers on.
My girls were talking in the car on the way home and said how Nana didn’t really talk much to them, how they didn’t see their cousins as the activities my parents were doing with them whilst me and DH did with ours. My sister messaged last night saying sorry we didn’t get to chat much, but nothing from my mum. I can’t help but think I must have upset her in some way, as even before my sister arrived she wasn’t interested in me or my girls. I’m really upset about it, it was helpful that my sister acknowledged that we didn’t chat. I just don’t know what to do. DH says just ignore and see how next time goes but he’s very laid back and doesn’t like fuss. Obviously I also have the issue that my girls are a bit miffed by it all too.

They are 13 and 11.
I did reply to my sister, i suggested we meet maybe in this weeks half term at our usual place out for the kids. Which we will, but without our parents. I will see what she says when we meet up.

Two options:

say something to your mum and have her (and potentially your sister) deny it and gas light you.

say nothing but just disengage and see if they notice

id be inclined to do the latter. Don’t acknowledge your mums birthday and she how she likes being ignored.

I think meeting up with your sister without your parents is a good idea.

invite your sister and her dcs to you, you don’t need to always be the one to travel, the road works both ways.

is your mother the only grand parent your kids have ?

I can’t help but think I must have upset her in some way

Or your mum’s just not a nice person?! There’s nothing to excuse her behaviour and it’s impacted your children. Show your kids that bad behaviour won’t be tolerated and that none of you deserve to be treated like that - you need to call your mum out on it and deal with the fallout for your children’s sake.

Definitely talk to her about it. Your girls are old enough to vote with their feet too – I would let the eldest miss your mum's birthday celebration if she doesn't want to go.

Does your mum mind you meeting up with your sister without her?

I do think your mum behaved in a slightly thoughtless and hurtful way towards you - and that probably the best thing is to give her a call and just ask her if she's annoyed with you in some way, then deal with it from there.

It does sound like an upsetting thing to happen. Perhaps your mum feels more comfortable with your sister especially in unfamiliar places?
I would have been hurt too.
maybe mention the issue from your daughters point of view and just say it was a shame about how your mum behaved? Then it might be a bit less upsetting to talk about.

Rude of them to order for themselves and not consult you. Your sister is at fault too.

My mum isn’t my children’s only grandparent. They have my dad, he’s quiet though and will always go with whatever my mum says about anything. We never saw much of dad’s parents and she was pretty awful to them at times.
My in-laws don’t live near either but travel to us. DH has 2 sisters and a brother so they split their time between us all and we go there too. They live further away than mine do. In fact DHs mum is coming this week for just a day by herself to teach the girls how to make something from her home country.
My mum did get upset about us meeting up last summer actually. Being asked that made me remember and she created so much my sister had to hire a car to bring her and dad, dad was ill at the time and unable to drive. She was a bit off then but I thought it was the stress of dad. And ive seen her since then by myself and she was ok so i never thought much into it.

I don’t like to think badly of my mum but maybe I’ve been a bit blinkered.

I'd be posting your mum a tenner in a card for her birthday. Give her the same energy back. And no more meet ups where she can ignore you! She's been really rude to you. Let her have her favourite, but she doesn't get you as well.
And don't let her turn it all round on you, if you do mention her rudeness. It is hurtful, very much so, but not much you can do about it really. She's unlikely to either:

1. acknowledge your hurt
2. admit to favouring your sister, or
3. change.

So just distance yourself. Your daughter has already noticed the poor treatment and this will affect how she feels about her gran. It's a tough lesson but ultimately will do her good to know how to deal with mean people. You must feel quite let down by your mum. Mine is the same. It does get better once you accept the situation. It's not you OP. It's her.

I think for your own mum to make you feel so excluded is horrible.

I get this exact vibe when I visit my cousins. Not ever allowed to sit near him, his wife, their best mates and my mum and uncle. I'm relegated to the kids table. Or kids end of the table. In my late 40s it's a bit bizarre. I always think 'what was the point of me being there?'

I wouldn't blame your sister. Maybe talk to her about your mum's behaviour on the day. Not to say your day was ruined or anything. But see if either of you know if it's just her ways or if she's got the hump for some obscure reason?

She's your mum, of course you don't want to see the worst in her. But your sister is clearly the golden child over you and now it's filtering down to your DC. Her dismissal of them at both tables was cold and cruel.

Maybe think a little harder...

Christ what a bunch of arseholes.

Fuck all the pussyfooting around. I’d be messaging calling your mum out for being a rude cow.

Life's too short to put up with that shit

Life's too short to put up with that shit. Don't teach your children that its ok to be treated like 2nd class citizens.

I would stop meeting up as a family, as your Mum is too focused on your sister and it's not fair on your DC. And I'd say that.

My sister is the golden child, I'm the afterthought unless Mum needs me to do something for her. It's shit, but it is what it is and I no longer give it headspace. I just make sure that I never treat my own kids like it.

This is what made me upset. I couldn’t imagine doing this to my eldest daughter at my youngest birthday. Or their children. Even if I have upset her I don’t understand why she was like it to the girls.

To be honest I’m not going to message or call because I know already she will be so dismissive.

It cuts really deep when something like this happens. It happened to me and brought up a lot of stuff from the past about not being good enough etc . It's also rotten for your kids to feel sidelined . Maybe keep contact to a minimum and see if your Mother asks you what's wrong , then tell her how you felt .

My Mum was a bit like this - even when we went on our own it was all about what my siblings had done recently or were up to etc. I already knew I spoke to them. It felt like a lot of gossip to be honest and I am not sure what she said about me as I could never get a word in edgewise. I just settled for regular calls and occasional visits when it suited me. She had a mini stroke thing and she was even more shallow and uninterested after that - I gelt I lost my Mum as I originally knew her about 10 yrs before the dementia diagnosis we got. THe others all lived closer and I definitely felt pushed out or not considered. Even now we don't get told about things that are happening where everyone gets together - even if we manage to go we are sidelined so I just meet up with them separately and don't worry about it. My daughter now 21 definitely noticed it as well from about the age of 10 or 11 - she was very perceptive.

To be honest I’m not going to message or call because I know already she will be so dismissive.

I'm pretty sure from reading your OP if your DM didn't see any wrong in her behaviour at the time she's not going to accept that she could have treated you better if you do mention anything about it to her.

You mom was rude to you and your kids. Stop subjecting them to her rudeness and being ignored. They're old enough to know when they're being snubbed and shunted away.

See your mom less. She was mean to your kids and it was very rude for them to order without you.

They didn't really want you and your kids there and your mom made it really obvious. Time to drop the rope

Reminds me of when we met up with DH’s family one Christmas. Dd was about 10. We sat down. Then his sister and her three grown up children arrived and her DIL said ‘This is the Brown’s table and they all sat together even though they live within a couple of miles of each other. We lived 2 hours away. So they all sat and chatted and me, DH and DD sat at the other end of a U shaped table and talked to each other. I was bloody fuming. DD used to love meeting up with family, as an only child. We’d driven all that way to sit and talk to each other.

I’m like an elephant, I don’t forget.

Yes it does sound like your DM and DD were a bit pre-occupied and thoughtless. Maybe it was a one off. I would probably do what your DH suggested and see how it goes next time. If it does happen again mention your feelings to your parents.