to think it is acceptable to smack someone if they touch your body, even if they have dementia?

[haleey]

I visit my grandad in a care home regularly and sometimes male residents will touch women unexpectedly. I’ve had my waist touched, boobs grabbed and one man touched my privates while smiling at me. I know they are ill and confused, but honestly I think people act as though women are supposed to just tolerate it because “they can’t help it”.

Part of this for me is that I have been assaulted before, so my reflex when someone suddenly touches me unexpectedly is to hit out before I even properly think. It is an automatic panic response.

Recently one resident suddenly grabbed me and I instinctively smacked his hand away. One of the staff immediately told me off and said “he can’t help it”. I understand that dementia affects behaviour and judgement, but I found it upsetting that the focus instantly became about him rather than acknowledging that I had just been touched without consent and panicked.

I’m not talking about beating vulnerable elderly people or deliberately hurting confused residents. But I also don’t think women should be expected to quietly accept unwanted touching because the person is elderly or cognitively impaired.

Probably not
But thats the nature of the illness behaviour is often challenging and unpredictable and thats why they are in a home
However they lack capacity to understand their actions you dont.

A one-off knee jerk response is understandable, especially if there’s trauma involved. That’s not what you’re actually advocating though, when you say that it’s “acceptable” to smack someone even if they have dementia. Of course it’s not ok to hit a vulnerable elderly person with dementia, that’s insane.

It is not the place of the staff to tell you how to behave. You are a paying client and they are there to ensure the residents behave respectfully towards visiters. I would not hesitate to swat someones hand away if they touched me without permission. A man once groped me on a plane and I made an absolute show of him.

Both can exhibit sexual disinhibition.

OP, I was visiting my dad on a locked ward. There was a woman on the same ward. I kind of knew who she was as a member of staff told me that the woman used to work with my mum. She was a really beautiful woman but obviously unwell.

The visting was all done in a communal area. That night, as we walked in, she was asking everyone if we were coming to the show later. There wasn't a show.

We said "yes", to appease her. So we sat down with my dad and along she comes smiling at my husband and saying he was "very handsome". We just smiled at her and my dad introduced her.

Next thing we knew, she was trying to kiss my husband and then he looked absolutely shocked. She had groped his willy. Looked all chuffed too.

He was mortified.

So the staff moved us to a private room.

She couldn't help it. She wasn't well.

I'm not trying to dismiss what happened to you, because my husband wouldn't even come with me when I was taking my dad back to the communal area at the end of the visit, in case he met her again.

But they really can't help it.

Yes hopefully I will get arrested very soon for assault.

I’’m at a loss to understand why OP started this thread because she seems determined to continue with the behaviour regardless of opinion here. I do hope she’s observed meting out her idea of reasonable response quite soon, because at present she’s just adding to the misery that is dementia. It’s tantamount to smacking a baby or young child and displays quite a shocking level of ignorance as to what dementia actually is.

These views on hear are shocking! If I was this residents family member I would be contacting the police if you hit my loved one. They don't have capacity to understand their actions hence WHY they are there!!

she’s actually physically assaulting people who she is fully aware are suffering from degenerative terminal brain disease

How ridiculous. I do not know everyone's medical history at the care home and I have only been told after they assaulted me that they had dementia.

I do hope so, because regardless of your flippant (and fairly disgusting attitude to the sick and vulnerable) that’s exactly what you’re doing. I’m actually beginning to think that this thread is just rage bait, because I simply don’t believe the lack of self awareness.

It happens!

I doubt very much that OP is paying her grandparent’s fees. And she’s not the client, the home’s residents are the clients. The care home management are there to protect and care for the clients not “ensure they behave respectfully” as if they were delinquent children. 🙄

Just settled a 5-figure pay out for a care home resident who was assaulted by the same resident in the same way 2 times. The first time was excused because it couldn't be predicted, the second time was on the care home for not putting precautions in place to prevent a repeat.

If the home are aware the residents touch and assault members of the public and other residents they have to add precautions to their care plans - one on one monitoring, restricted access to communal areas etc.

You should not be exposed to this behaviour at all, let alone repeatedly. A strong email to the managers setting out what has happened and that if it happens again, action will be taken. Get it in writing and they can't ignore it.

Instead you seem to think it's great and vindicating that the staff don't mind you hitting the patients.

Yes you understood the situation perfectly 🏆

You’re in a bloody care home FFS. It should be obvious to you that people are there because they’re vulnerable and that it’s more than possible they will be suffering from dementia. You’re treating people with a distressing and deadly condition as though they’re just sex pests. Grow the fuck up.

They didn’t assault you, because they don’t have capacity to do so 🤦🏻‍♀️

You assaulted them, and yes, it’s a criminal offence. You should probably stay away from vulnerable people in full-time care. Just in case.

😂

Funny how no one is calling the police. Just in case.

Doubt the visitor is paying. It is entirely up to the staff to tell visitors not to hit their residents in their own home. The residents safety is their priority.

Jesus Christ. I'd have you banned from the nursing home if I saw you smacking vulnerable residents.
How can you not be ashamed of your behaviour?

From the OP

I visit my grandad in a care home regularly and sometimes male residents will touch women unexpectedly. I’ve had my waist touched, boobs grabbed and one man touched my privates while smiling at me. I know they are ill and confused, but honestly I think people act as though women are supposed to just tolerate it because “they can’t help it”.
Part of this for me is that I have been assaulted before, so my reflex when someone suddenly touches me unexpectedly is to hit out before I even properly think. It is an automatic panic response.
Recently one resident suddenly grabbed me and I instinctively smacked his hand away.

This is what we are actually responding too not some person advocating the introduction of corporal punishment for dementia patients.

A loving grand daughter who is frequently visiting a lonely old man, getting groped and responding reflexively to that by swatting groping hands away.

‘Your reflex’

As someone who is well conversed in care homes the majority of folk are not active - if they are walking past it is very easy for you to steer yourself away - they are slow and weak

You also don’t need to sit within touching distance?! So why do you? It’s not like they can spring into action with their fast reflexes!!!

if I was the care home manager I would certainly ensure you had access to a single room only during visits and that you were not were anyone could touch you

Yep, I think that poster summed it up nicely. Spot on. Can I ask a genuine question OP ? Why did you start this thread because? Do you really lack self awareness and empathy to the point where you thought your behaviour within the setting of a residence for vulnerable people would be validated ? I’m asking because despite being overwhelmingly told that your actions are unreasonable you seem to be doubling down and more determined to carry on.

People get away with low-level crimes all the time, unfortunately. If not getting arrested is your benchmark for acceptable behaviour, then no wonder you have no idea how to manage situations. You are the worst nightmare of anyone with a vulnerable relative living with dementia. And you’re proud of it! 🏅