to think it is acceptable to smack someone if they touch your body, even if they have dementia?

[haleey]

I visit my grandad in a care home regularly and sometimes male residents will touch women unexpectedly. I’ve had my waist touched, boobs grabbed and one man touched my privates while smiling at me. I know they are ill and confused, but honestly I think people act as though women are supposed to just tolerate it because “they can’t help it”.

Part of this for me is that I have been assaulted before, so my reflex when someone suddenly touches me unexpectedly is to hit out before I even properly think. It is an automatic panic response.

Recently one resident suddenly grabbed me and I instinctively smacked his hand away. One of the staff immediately told me off and said “he can’t help it”. I understand that dementia affects behaviour and judgement, but I found it upsetting that the focus instantly became about him rather than acknowledging that I had just been touched without consent and panicked.

I’m not talking about beating vulnerable elderly people or deliberately hurting confused residents. But I also don’t think women should be expected to quietly accept unwanted touching because the person is elderly or cognitively impaired.

If that happened the brick shithouse dad would find himself in court and would discover the law wasn’t on his side.

I haven't apologised for my reflex action and neither will I. It was only one member of staff who said he can't help it. The rest of the staff and managers i spoke to understood my reflex action despite it being their home.

Grandad prefers seeing people in the day room as he spends enough time in his own room already. He gets claustrophobic in his room.

But that's far too late for the potentially seriously injured dementia patient that was relying on the home to keep him safe. Letting these people loose on the public and hoping for the best isn't good enough.

And have you expressed your concern to management?
Visitors with children need to make informed decision. It sounds like a very poor nursing home.

Try reading.

The care home has been reported to the CQC.

They’re not let loose on the public. They’re not in a public place. They’re essentially in a very expensive jail.

As I've said before, the visitors are completely unverified members of the public.

Who have to be let in or be provided with the entry code. Most care homes don’t allow people in unless they can provide the name of the person they’re visiting and they have to sign in and out.

They are untrained, unchecked and by the sounds of it not consented of the risks of being around uninhibited dementia patients. Some of them may lack capacity themselves. They are literally members of the public, there's nothing different about them.

They’re literally visitors to the care home’s residents who are not “let loose on the public”. They’re literally locked in.

So what's the difference between the visitors and members of the public? What makes them special?

They know one of the residents. They’re that person’s guest.

How does that qualify them to handle dementia patients? Sorry but I don't remember being given any training in that when entering a nursing home.

They’re not supposed to “handle dementia patients”. They’re supposed to go in and see their relative either in their own room or in a suitable space. I managed to have nothing to do with the other residents - they’re not patients - when I visited other than a quick smile and hello.

If the dementia patients are allowed to wander over and grope the visitors and the staff have expectations of how this should be handled then how else would you describe it other than the visitors are expected to be able to handle the dementia patients?

I’m not pandering to you any more. You’re just arguing for the sake of it now.

Well yes, some are, of course. Probably more often than care home residents (because they are young hormonal men without the ability to know groping is wrong, whereas old men are usually less libidinous and should have learned about acceptable and unacceptable behaviour in their youth.

But how though? How is assuming that a visitor with no more qualifications than knowing another person in the home will know how to safely handle getting groped by a stranger part of a safe care plan for someone so vulnerable?

So there is a private space available, but you and your grandad choose instead, repeatedly, to go somewhere where you have been sexually assaulted at least four times (on your account) and have "smacked" four disabled residents (on your account).

Isn't that more traumatic for you / upsetting for him / violating for the patients than sitting in a private room with company?

Did I say the exact locations of where I was assaulted?

But you carry on with your assumptions.

She doesn't have the answers!

Yes the instinctive response in most adults is to put extra effort in to protect vulnerable people from damaging themselves or others. Not to justify hitting strangers with the claim that they cannot help themselves cos PTSD.

That was uncalled for imo.

So you’d rather isolate the old man with dementia with non wandering hands and limit his opportunities, rather than the ones that sexually assault visitors? How does that work? In what world is that fair?

It’s illegal to slap hit or smack a child in the UK